Life Under Grace

defending delilah because i can

2012-02-01T23:09:00.000-06:00

Delilah was rockin tonight! Let me just go ahead and tell you I, as a grown woman, reserve the right to tune into Delilah Love Someone Tonight whenever I want. Why would you, you ask. I understand this question. I don't even judge you for it, because I myself was there once too. But I've come to a certain age and life stage where sometimes I just need to hear some classic love songs. Or as the case tonight KDHX wasn't playing anything good, nor any other station for that matter, and so my fingers did the walking on over to the preprogrammed Delilah station. Now, don't let that word preprogrammed fool you. It's not like I listen to Delilah every night. Just occasionally. Enough so that when I want to hear some cheesy story or song I don't want to have to remember what station she's on. So a little preprogramming never hurts.

I almost did the switch up on her because of the lame story introducing the song but then I heard the velvet voice of Bill Medley of whom I picture as Patrick Swazye himself singing to me and knew it was going to be a good night. So a little outrageous belting it out to The Time of My Life and I was set. My joy filled response to the next song however completely threw me and I might be entering an interesting musical phase of life. Hall and Oats You Make My Dreams. If you were driving next to me, you may have thought I was having a seizure as I danced like this song was the anthem of my high school prime. AMAZING! I couldn't even stop.

Now, I must confess to you that this morning I pulled a muscle in my shoulder. You don't need to the know the details of the event except to say it involved me, a pair of new tights, and a lot of wiggling to get in them. Yadda, yadda, yadda I have a sore shoulder blade, neck, and clavicle. Not even the searing pain of these sore muscles could stop me from dancing like it was 1999 to Hall and Oats. That says something.

So, in honor of ; my dear friends adopting for the first time, coffee, a man I've never met, and Stephanie whom I think of every time I hear Hall and Oats, here's my newest obsession!

I'm Hanging Out Without Everyone (And Other Concerns)

2012-01-31T23:54:00.000-06:00

This is dedicated to the middle schoolers sitting across the aisle from me at Kaldi's apparently skipping an after school class. Specifically to the girl who was shamelessly playing match maker between her doppelganger friend and the boy they were with. To each of you I say: 1) I don't blame you for skipping this class AFTER SCHOOL! 2) Pump the brakes on the raging hormones 3) Get out of Kaldi's! This is my place as a 29 year old to read my book and laugh to myself in a corner. I don't want overly flirtatious giggles invading my internal monologue. I've earned the right after a long day at work to find a dark corner and sip coffee. Find a smoothie bar, you'll have plenty of time to pump yourself full of legal addictive stimulants. This is my time (said with as much passion as the guy from Goonies) 4) I hope, for your sake, you were joking about your mom texting you and telling you she knew you were skipping. However the look of panic on your face and the immediate bolting out of the shop says otherwise. 5) Best of wishes to the 3 of you. You really were quite precious!

It's not actually a big deal, except for the fact that it's awesome- I finished reading my 6th book in January! I nestled myself up in Kaldi's to finish one just so I could say I finished 6 books because I personally feel 6 sounds more impressive than 5. Like, wow, that girl read more than a book a week! I know, impressive right?!

I'll also have you know that I am easily influenced. Not in the hey do you wanna try this cocaine kind of way but the I'm around a Canadian for 2 seconds and I'm saying aye, and doen't cha knoew way. In that same respect the way an author writes, therefore the way I imagine them speaking, rubs off on me as well. I've just finished reading Mindy Kaling's, Kelly Kapoor from The Office, book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). She is absolutely hilarious and I have found myself imitating her a bit in my conversations- or at least my mental version of her, and in my writings. If anything seems witty, humorous, or random in this or writtings to soon follow know they were influenced by her. Then again I can sometimes be those things apart from her influence so... how about if you feel compelled to compliment my writing I'll receive them and sort through which ones she deserves the credit for. Deal?

My reading her book has come at an interesting time in my life. Some of you may have felt a little sorry for me getting through 6 books in one month because you feel it speaks volumes about my social life. You, my dear readers, have no reason to fear but may have room for concern. It's ironic but in the 2 days it took me to finish her book I ate lunch by myself and then coffee in a dark corner... by myself. Yes, everyone is hanging out without me. The very feeling I've had for the past ohhh... well it doesn't matter.

None the less, my stifled laughs in a dark corner got me to thinking. Maybe everyone's not hanging out without me, maybe I'm hanging out without everyone else. I felt like I was having the time of my life. A Mayan latte and a cinnamon roll paid for by a generous man (birthday gift card style) and a book that makes me laugh like I'm in a public library which always make me want to laugh even harder. Do you find this is the case? Maybe, you don't spend much time in libraries anymore with newfangled technology and all. I however have found myself retreating more into libraries with the more technology produced. None the less, when something tickles me while I'm in a library I want to laugh 10 times louder and more than any other time. It's because I can't that I want to. Oh how I love that kind of laughter. It will either force its way out throw tears, possibly louder more obnoxious coughs, or a situation that might have me running for the ladies. Laughter, it really is quite curring.

I've felt relatively distant from friendships recently, which I speak about in a post that is maybe a little too fresh and (unfortunately this word is all I could think of) raw to release out to public just yet. So it waits in a vault, waiting for wounds to heal and the hurt to be less hurtful and maybe more humorous. But until then it will suffice to say I've had a lot of alone time lately , which could lead a person like myself to be a little Debbie Downerish. Thanks to those friends that have found themselves getting an earful from asking how are you or how was your day and actually caring enough to stick around to hear the legitimate answer. One day if I ever write a book you and your kindness will be mentioned in it. Today, however, you will get thanked on this little blog of mine that averages 5 views a month. 2 of those views may or may not be from me or kind family members. A special shout out today to a friend I'll call Katechelson for giving me a deep love for bearded lumberjack men in great fitting jeans. I love that I get to see this on display frequently. The End.
**************************
P.S.
It really bothers me that in spell checking this mug it asked me consider changing Goonies and didn't recognize texting as a word. I'm just saying, if "sexting" is a recognized word in the dictionary "texting" should definitely be on spell check!

one blank canvas

2012-01-05T22:10:00.000-06:00

I was just rereading Acts 17:29-31. With this new crafting self of mine coming out over the past 2 years I was struck by the idea of shrinking God to some art form; gold, silver, stone- an image formed by the art and imagination of man.

I imagined a blank canvas and what color I would paint it were I trying to contain the essence of God in art. I originally decided splatter paint of all the colors of the rainbow because no color seems to quiet grasp His beauty. But then I thought of how paint couldn't be the only medium used because that doesn't seem to really convey the many facets of His character. In my minds eye I placed some buttons, feathers, lace, and sequence on the canvas (mainly because those are things right next to me at my craft table). My imagined image was already a far cry from how I would actually want to portray Him. So I started over, cause that's the joy of imaginations. Just a blank canvas. The more I thought about that blank canvas the more I thought it was great just the way it was. Until I realized that even it, was not enough. One blank canvas couldn't come close to even the very fringes of the greatness of God.

I kind of love that about Him. While other gods are in the carved images of their worshippers , toppled over by any minor disturbance and broken in the fumbling hands of a toddler, God, Yahweh, stands firm, unable to be attained in the feeble attempts of man's artwork.

He is unattainable and yet has chosen, for those who believe in Him, to abide in them; to forever dwell with them, to set them free, and to one day bring them into eternal rest with Him. To the God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth.

Isaiah 62:1-5

2012-01-04T22:27:00.000-06:00

Today a 16 year old drooled directly into my mouth. I was worried she wouldn't remember me but she did and was in fact overjoyed to see me. I was suffocated with hugs and tickled by unexpected hand grasps. My eyelids are a little tender from her propping them wider so she could reacquaint herself with my eyes. It was in one of these eye propping hugging frenzies that I was laughing and she, in joy, was drooling and the two did meet. Her drool. My mouth. And though disgusted at the moment, I'm now warmed at her unabashed delight in me.

It had me thinking tonight, driving home, about His delight in me. His deep compassion set on me. And yet how I live as though He is the withholder of all things I long for. Tonight I'm moved by His earth shattering love for me and convicted by my flawed view of His character and intentions. He is giving me Himself, the King of the Universe, the one of whom all nations will one day bow- His delight is in me. I am His beloved.

And though I still feel the tension of how to long for those things that are not yet mine and how to surrender all to Him, tonight, in the quietness of my thoughts and this room, He is more than enough for this heart of mine.

Letting Go

2012-01-03T21:55:00.000-06:00

You know that moment in The Holiday where Arthur hears the song Jack Black's character has made for him and he conquers the stairs before the crowd there in his honor? I feel as though I am having one of those moments. I'm listening to these guys, finishing some upcycled jewelry, and thinking- always thinking.
Today has been a myriad of emotions. Better said, this Christmas break has been filled with the sublimely unexpected and now all the questions that lurked in the background have come to the forefront of my mind and all of these emotions are flowing with them.

Unfortunately, few of these questions can be answered in a concrete way for me to understand, so I've wrestled all day with being grateful and feeling utterly hopeless. Agitated at not being able to verbalize all I want to say I've become restless and anxious. What cures these things? Fresh air and letting go. So that's what I did.

I cut the helium filled birthday balloons, walked outside with no coat and strings clinched in hands. I took a deep breath and I let go. My balloons rose high above the roof I felt my prayers were hitting and continued to soar into the dark sky. I eventually lost sight of them as they floated above the tree and pond and with that I felt a release. My balloons are gone, somewhere over yonder and like them my prayers have left my lips and now lie in the Father's heart. I have no string to continue to clinch to but I trust they will be heard and He will respond.

A Note To You and The Roaring 20's

2011-12-18T23:18:00.000-06:00

Tonight I write from the sweet spot of my bed in pj's I haven't worn in years cause I forget about them. Today, because clothing options were low they emerged to the top. They are sassy and fun enough that I want to wake up in them on my 29th birthday.

In a few short hours it will be my birthday. Nothing will change in the world. People will get up, go to work, and continue on with their routines. I will too. Yet tonight, in my sassy pants, I feel like I'm on the precipice of something gigantic. A good gigantic. Like I'm at the peak of a roller coaster that's been building and all fun is about to break lose. It may be the sugar from all the dough I snuck bites of talking or I may just be on to something.

Midnight marks the first day of the last year of my twenties. This is a thrilling time. The twenties have held soooo much life in them. And at this moment in time (though it does change regularly) I anticipate with joy, what the 30's will hold. I can't just let my twenties go without giving them a proper farewell though.

So, I was thinking, what if we made a list of the things we love about our twenties! The Roaring 20's if you will. Post in the comment box or on my facebook page and I'll compile the best and some of my own onto a Roaring 20's page. And we can celebrate the life of our 20's before going into the Great Depression of our 30's. :) Just kidding! But wouldn't that be fun!

You can tell us, if you're younger, what you anticipate about your 20's (and we'll laugh at you). If you're older tell us what you loved about your 20's (and we'll cry with you). And if you're living in the midst of them this very moment tell us what you love about them (and we'll nod our heads in agreement with you). Married single, mother, childless, man, woman share away. This could be fun aye?

Reality part 2

2011-12-17T10:06:00.001-06:00

I typically like to come to the table with more than this, but today I can muster pj's and a robe. I imagine myself being like some of these other blogging women; posting pictures of my cutest new outfit, writing DIY instructions for the most creative thing I'm making, cooking up recipes and sharing them with you here; all while wearing a sweet dress, glorious flats, awesome jewelry, with well groomed hair, and makeup.

I'm a L-O-N-G way off from that today. My hair is in a pony atop my head with wild curls protruding from every direction, I'm considering not even showering, and I've just eaten leftover pizza for breakfast. Ya, not quiet the same as that overactive imagination of mine painted right?

But I laugh none the less, because the reality is that behind these computer screens are real people, with real lives, that can get real crazy and messy. And the reality is that pictures are taken when people are at their finest, some blogs are written in the wee morning hours in pjs with coffee breath, and no one lives a picture perfect life all of the time.

My reality right now is that ; I'm exhausted from the choices others are making that affect lots of little lives, my father is in the ICU, Cheshire Farm is turning into a mad house, and I'm beginning the last year of my 20's which is a daily roller coaster ride of emotions. I have clean laundry in a basket that's been folded but not put away and another load drying that will most likely sit in there for another few days. I have dishes in the sink that have been rinsed but not washed. And my tub, that refuses to drain correctly, has developed a nice thin soap film. Life is messy right now, alright.

But can I tell you something else? All of those things may be a disaster and slightly depressing but sitting in the hospital room with my dad yesterday, we had the best conversation we've had in my near 29 years of existence. We laughed. I cried. We talked about poverty and oppression and for the first time EVER had a similar view. My heart swells with joy just thinking about it. Then while he was resting soundly in his bed, my mom and I had a great discussion about Hebrews as I shared my bible study with her. And in a few moments I'm going to snuggle up with both off them in a cozy hospital room and watch my birthday movie of choice- You've Got Mail.

The dishes will be there when I come back. The laundry can always be wrinkled released. The tub will have to be cleaned another day. And at least I'll wash my face and brush my teeth. The chaos isn't changing any time soon, but moments like these with my parents are few and far between. So I'm going to savor them, even if they're in hospital rooms because well, this IS my reality.

Reality

2011-12-14T22:36:00.000-06:00

I think about this place often. Where I let my fingers wonder wherever my mind may go. And I've been thinking about how much I have neglected it, posting maybe once a month, if I can. My rationale is always that once life calms down a bit I'll be more consistent. :) But here's my reality, that maybe the rest of you have already come to grips with, but I am just coming to, life isn't calming down. Nor is there a foreseeable time in which it will. My reality is a little crazy but these are the days I've been given to live within and if I continue to wait until things are calm or typical I'm realizing I will have waited my life away.

My little spot's name is Life Under Grace not Life Under Control. It's wild, messy, and unpredictable which I'm just kind of resigning myself to love. And therefore resigning myself to write about. The days of having time to ponder things and then actually write about them are few and far between if I can even remember the pontifications.

So tonight I just wanted to tell you to watch out for me..., on the roads..., at night..., when it's raining.... Driving home there were moments of white knuckling the steering wheel praying that God would somehow give me eyes to see the lane before me. I have astigmatism that causes my vision to be completely JACKED UP at night with wet roads. I mean, for all I can tell, that stretch of highway is nothing but a mirror reflecting every light, sign, and drop of rain. Lines, that once in day light gave me clear guidelines as to where to drive, disappear and I'm left to guess where they may be based on the lights ahead of me. It's a crazy world I live in when it's raining at night. Things that used to make sense no longer do. Roads I know, now seem like foreign treacherous places. I told you about the time I flooded my engine by driving into a 2 foot puddle didn't I? Depth perception, also apart of those necessary qualities while driving that I lack due to this condition of mine.

All that to say be praying for the money for me to hire a chauffeur for rainy nights, or pray that God sends some awesome guy with fantastic vision day and night (not night vision cause that would be strange) to drive us home in these events, or encourage me to go ahead and chat with a doctor about getting glasses to help correct it because it's dangerous to me, to you, and to them- whoever they may be.

Over Flowing

2011-11-14T23:39:00.000-06:00

I've seen posted all over facebook the countdown of thanks or something like that. I must say honestly I'm often annoyed at the bombarding of my news feed. People whom I rarely keep up with I'm now privey to knowing what they're thankful for on any given day in November, 2 matching socks, a dog that doesn't shed, whatever the blessing may be.

And yet for the annoyance that it is, I'm also moved by those posts that are genuine and truly grateful, to think about my own blessings. I'm not one to post it daily on facebook but I thought I would post some things I'm thankful for here.

Tonight especially, I am unbelievably thankful for a God who truly does do all things well. A God who knew it would break my heart to leave a place and people I loved dearly but had a new and different work for me to do so moved me to St. Louis. I'm thankful for a God who has lavished His love on me in many ways. One of those ways is in the dear friendships He has given me. I am constantly reminded of His satisfying love because of how well I am loved by my friends. Tonight I stood at my car just talking with a friend about the ins and outs of life and I was struck by not only how well she has cared for and encouraged me but how I genuinely love this sweet friend. I, sadly, often find that friendships can be lopsided. One friend pursues and loves well while the other just receives often not giving back or not reciprocating equally. I have played both roles in friendships. I feel however God has given me more of a desire to love well and allow others to love me well. It's a rare thing and I treasure it and the opportunities I've been given to practice.
I'm also thankful for a church that was wise enough in its mass to develop house churches so that deep relationships could be formed among members. I'm thankful to have been in a house church that has challenged me, encouraged me, supported me, loved me, cried with me, laughed with me, and taught me. Though bitter sweet, I'm thankful for this very house church that is dividing for the sake of the hostess' sanity, intimate sharing, and growth of the kingdom. Oh, I'm so very thankful for the stability they have provided when my world has been shaken.
I'm so very thankful for my dear family being near and being able to actually be an aunt to my nieces and nephews and a sister to my brother and sister in law. I'm thankful that those words are actually legit and not b.s.! What a transforming work God is able to do! And I'm thankful for it.
I'm thankful for the beautiful home I'm sheltered by this very moment. The car that sits in the driveway, the computer at my fingertips, the phone and ipod at my side, and the food that's in my tummy.
I'm thankful for my job that I adore and am challenged daily to be salt and light in. I'm thankful that God in His mercy has actually made me good at it and enjoy it. I'm thankful for the other believer He has placed to work with me and the laughter that runs throughout every day.
I'm thankful for creativity, words, hot glue, Pintrest, and inspiration. I'm thankful that He uses everything at our hands for His use and His glory.
Tonight, I am thankful.

Beautiful Things

2011-11-11T00:32:00.001-06:00

There is an absurd amount of pain, suffering, and darkness in the world. Over the past few months my eyes and heart of have been awakened to it in the form of cancer. There are 3 women,my age,in my life,that are fighting cancer in its various forms and another older and dear aunt wrestling through leukemia. All of this has been very sobering for me and left me avoiding God for fear that He won't answer my questions and in anger at the compromised health of these young, vibrant lives. I came to despise all things beautiful, writing (hence the hiatus from blogging), crafting, singing, organizing (beauty is relative), and spending real time with my God. How I could I even think about much less look at beauty in the midst of so much darkness. My bedtime routine consisted of washing my face, brushing my teeth, and crying my self to sleep. I was broken. I am broken.

I'm confused with a myriad of questions followed by a myriad of biblical answers but forever finding the questioning spirit still there. I'm overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and yet feeling the comfort and confidence that only the Spirit brings. And then I'm reminded that I don't have cancer, that this wide pendulum of emotions I'm experiencing is also what my sweet sisters are experiencing while also fighting for their lives. And I'm brought to tears when I think my tear ducts have forever dried up.

I have had the completely divine opportunity though to see these woman in the face of death to become the women God has ordained them to be. One, who is filled with hope beyond measure, not in her circumstances but in her God and His ability to sustain her in life or in death. One whose encouraging spirit has only grown and has a joy about her that is tangible. And another, who once was far off, has drawn near to the Father and is a prayer warrior for others. He truly does turn our ashes into beauty.

I was listening to this song today that says, "You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust." And it got me thinking about dust and ash. Those little particles that float around us were once apart of a greater whole. Whether it was once apart of volcanic rock that was spewed, or a plant that shed, or human skin that has flaked, or pollutants in the air all of it was once apart of something larger. That thing had to be broken, crushed, or even die to become dust. The Lord takes our dust, those broken, crushed, dead places in us and makes beautiful things.

In hearing that song, and thinking about the beauty that has come from the crushing blow of cancer from these women, I am encouraged and inspired and hopeful again. He makes beautiful things. And I want to too. I want to write to lead others to see the beauty that is in Living. I want to make beautiful accessories and crafts to adorn sick bodies and bald heads. I want to laugh at the days to come for I know that in each one, life or death, He will make things beautiful, of this I am sure.

Nope

2011-09-27T00:32:00.000-05:00

So I started writing a post that was my attempt to explain the changes I've seen in myself recently but my words were muddled and didn't come close to what I actually wanted to say. Really the only thing that comes close to what I want to say in its simplest form is

I'm Happy.

It's the most amazing thing. I have a job that I love, hobbies I'm growing into, all of my family is near enough that I can hug and kiss them as much as I want. I have an amazing church that continues to reshape my skewed image of God. I'm apart of a bible study that holds me accountable to my own individual growth in the Lord while also challenging me in the leadership role He has placed me in. I have been blessed to have friends that I still keep up with from high school and from college. I have the privilege to make new friends in adulthood that I love and cherish deeply. I feel needed and valued.

It's no surprise to you, I'm sure, that the tears are streaming down my face as I write this. But I just think of the deep valleys My God has brought me through. The uncertainties, the loss of hope, and for moments the loss of a will to live. Y'all it got bad. But I just have to tell you how in awe I am right now that this overflowing spring in me is happiness, is freedom, is restoration.

I was asked Sunday by a person who I'm confident meant well, how things were going immediately followed by "any man?". I was a little shocked at how little I had to say about the matter, nope. There is so much other amazing stuff going on in my life that I didn't even feel the need to qualify my "nope". I allowed it to stand out there on its own. Nope.

I'm single (not that I would mind being in a relationship if the right guy asked). I have no children though my womb and heart ache to love on my own little one. I live in someone else's house. I'm a teacher who has taken the position of a T.A. and I am happy. The happiest I've been in a long time.

I know that His goal is not my happiness but my holiness so what a sweet bonus that He has taken into consideration my happiness and given me these moments. He is true to His promise to me through His word that He will restore the years the locust have eaten. (Joel 2:25)

This song, though meant for the luvas,

kind of is exactly how I feel.

A Day of Autumn

2011-09-23T23:53:00.001-05:00

Today is the first full day of Autumn and I felt every bit of it. I participate in this day the way people get amped up and dress out for Cardinals' opening day. I dreamed last night of dancing in falling leaves, purposely rolling my bike along the the side of the road just to hear the crunch. I dreamed of driving through the mountains with every tree being more brilliant than the last. Of long talks and hot drinks. I love Autumn. So, when my alarm went off this morning at 6:00 a.m.. I gladly woke and began my day.

I of course already had the outfit laid out; well the bottom portion at least. Whatever I wore I knew it would consist of the brown lace skirt and the boots. Anything else would simply be a bonus. So a fitted sweatshirt over a lace cami would have to do. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a staple outfit for me in the time ahead. None the less, today was a celebration so it called for a flower in the hair of course. And it was just nippie enough that a scarf had to accompany it. A quick change of purses and the outfit was together. I stepped into the air of Autumn. I love that first deep breath.

I love my drive to work. The roads leave the towering buildings in my rear view mirror, but ahead are nothing but cliffs and trees. It is beautiful. Everyday I get to see the leaves change a little bit more. This week though a fog has settled over some low lying areas of my commute. And though I know it's dangerous for drivers, I get lost in the romance of it. I always imagine my modern Mr. Darcy breaking through it to come to me. Always.

Today I had the joy of stopping by the grocery to pick up some things to make pumpkin muffins with the kids. Though they didn't have hot coffee I got myself a Starbucks drink and a Heath Bar for later, because for me if there's a candy that says happiness in Fall it's candy with toffee. Yes, please. (Sidebar: I literally just remembered that Heath Bar still in my purse, yay for not letting food consume my thoughts!)

To every person I crossed paths with I smiled and said Happy Autumn. I drank my coffee. We ate our muffins. We had a dance party at the end of the day. And life is as it should be.

Tomorrow after the Cards/Cubs game I'll put my Fall decorations up, drink some cider, and pull out my warmer wardrobe, craft, read, and of course pop in You've Got Mail. I love Autumn.

At The Pump

2011-09-22T17:00:00.002-05:00

I hope that where you are gas prices are dropping. Today I found a spot that was $2.98! Miracle of miracles. So I of course stopped by after work.

Pulling up I saw this woman hopping from car to car. She eventually swung by mine as I had my card out ready to swipe. "Do you happen to have a dollar?" she asked. I smiled politely and said no cause I didn't. The lady on the back of my pump poked her head around frown smiling. <----- does that make sense? Like that look of fake sympathy. "Poor girl," the woman said. I continued pumping my gas, watching this lady flutter about collecting dollars. I wondered what she was collecting money for. My imagination swirled. But then I thought of my own situation but months ago, when I too would have been desperate enough to wander about a gas station asking for dollars.

And it was then that gas started to pour onto my foot. I had heard the clicking sound, but I had also seen the price and the two didn't reconcile in my mind. Surely I needed to pump more, I hadn't paid this little in quite a long time. So instinctively I continued to pump, but even as I felt the gas dripping on my foot I was reminded of how the Lord has provided. Much like I was flooding my car with gas, God has flooded me with His mercy and His faithfulness. Corny? That's ok, cause it was a moment for me. A moment for me to remember. To remember my own desperation needing so much more than a dollar. And God's generosity of giving this "poor girl" SO much more than a dollar.

from the slow moving hands of the pooped

2011-09-21T23:30:00.000-05:00

I am so pooped. These are long days I'm living over here, but I LOVE most every bit of them.

So there were just a few things I wanted to tell you before my head hit the pillow. Remember how my computer is broken and I was borrowing the computer from the woman I live with? Well, luck of all luck, the computer screen broke. Like, shattered, brilliant colors splayed across the screen but impossible to actually see anything broken. Hence why I haven't posted anything in a few days and you know, that whole being pooped thing! But just tonight I mentioned to a friend my delima and wouldn't you know she was like hey borrow this computer we have just lying around! Don't mind if I do friend! So a big shout out to Stina and understanding how much I both need and love this blog (and Pinterest!). Thank you!

Of course during those few days without a computer is the time that I have the most ideas of what to write on here. I always remind myself to write it down so I won't forget, but then I inevitably forget to remind myself and the ideas are lost. Right now even searching around in my memory I vaguely remember something about animals, but vaguely remembering won't exactly be the most thrilling reading you've ever come across!

I'm in an Adele mood, not that's there's much difference between that and my normal mood, so I went to my "Someone Like You" Pandora station. I think I lose the mood as I start clicking those songs I like. Somehow I've gone from Adele, to Sinatra, Dean Martin, Otis Bedding, and now Nat King Cole singing in a language I don't understand. Whatever forlornness was there is now simply replaced with confusion. I guess maybe it's for the best, who needs to dream of unrequited love in English. Not I!

And lastly I have to tell you that on my Tuesday Thrifting I got a sweet little locket necklace that I'll be doting around, so go ahead and ask me about it. :) I also got a Banana Republic purse, brand new brown wedges, and a sweatshirt dress that is FAR cuter than it sounds and cuter than frumping around in a sweatshirt, but just as comfy!

Autumn Prep

2011-09-19T00:23:00.000-05:00

Today was a terribly rainy day. The kind that makes you drive slowly AND move slowly, specifically when you walk by your bedroom. Debating whether or not to just rest your eyes for a minute. One of those kind of rainy days. My debate lasted about 2 seconds before I caved and nestled into my now ready for fall bed.

Do you change your bedding in preparation for cooler temps?

I add a creamy white fleece blanket and another brown fleece sandwiching the sheet so I get weight and warmth. Oh my goodness it's heaven! Are you a weight lover? I've had this discussion with others before and I didn't realize not everyone enjoys feeling the heaviness of things on them sometimes. Clearly I'm a person with some extra sensory needs. In dog piles I would gladly take the bottom spot just so I could feel the weight of others piling on. During massages one of my favorite parts is when they put the weighted warm blanket on your back. But when I don't have that sensory need, which is rare, the things surrounding me better be light as a feather but as soft as a cactus. I can't stand the touch of things too soft, like those baby blankets. Yeah, they make me cringe. Oh, sensory needs. So interesting, but I digress.

So, I'm up right now due to a combination of things. One, I drank a cup of green tea around 10. Mistake. But to my advantage, I finished a load of laundry and began folding it only to stumble upon stain upon grease stain. A tube of my favorite lip gloss slipped into the laundry without me noticing, took off its lid and spilled its content all over my clothing. I don't know if you've ever had to deal with that kind of stain but it is a process, let me tell you! So, I'm now up, waiting to see the product of my efforts of scrubbing with a toothbrush and various products.

Besides this sad little incident this weekend was pretty fantastic. I spent all of it pretending I was a cowgirl and living in my boots. I only took them off to sleep. I love how I look and feel in boots. I may have just started a bit of an obsession for myself, especially for this fall. Oh, boots!

Source: polyvore.com via Angie on Pinterest

these are a few of my favorite things

2011-09-15T21:52:00.000-05:00

I adore hanging out with this little guy and his mommy and daddy. I got to do just that minus his daddy today after a day of long meetings. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Though Fall for me is the beginning of normal schedules and the business of life, I also feel like it's a perfect time to slow down and cuddle with those you love. So we did that on this cool end of summer day. He, with runny nose and pajamas, picked out a book, crawled up on my lap, and snugglebugged with me in the kitchen as his momma cooked. We listened to music and he listened to us talk. I love how he shakes his head practicing active listening skills. The kid's brilliant. I may be biased a bit.

He is one of the most precious things in my world and I look forward to more snuggles with him before he's too big and despises the snugglebug. He'll be snuggling with someone else tomorrow though as he watches the Balloon Glow at Forest Park. I love St. Louis in the fall.

I'm also thrilled to bits about Greentree Festival this weekend. If you have time Saturday, swing on by Kirkwood and check it out. Christmas is closer than you realize and who couldn't always use a new piece for their jewelry collection. I'll be there selling some goodies (booth # 203) made by the beautiful hands of the women of Forai. I know they would love your support and I would love to tell you all about the sweet ministry of Forai.

Rainy Day Boots

2011-09-14T22:26:00.000-05:00

It rained a-l-l day.

On any given day off

I would welcome the rain.

But today was not a day off.

Today I had to work.

I stared longingly outside,

wishing I could cuddle up with

The Help and some tea.

Wishing I could get out some cute rain boots

and stomp around a bit.

But alas, I was at that job

that I love.

Note:

For those of you that know me, I'm sure you've heard my rantings of movies or books being "too popular" for me to engage with. So you might be asking yourself about The Help as it is kind of a big thing right now. Here's my justification; I wanted to read it. Yep, that's it. Also, another side note. I don't own any rain boots. I think this calls for a casual shopping trip, yes?

Tuesday Thrifties {things you should know about me}

2011-09-13T19:29:00.002-05:00

A few things you should know about me.

I, more frequently than I'd care to admit, get so tickled sometimes I almost wet myself.

So tonight when a friend was telling me about the matching tennis shoes his girlfriend and he got and the matching velour suits that were bound to come at some point, you can imagine (or maybe you can't from that vague description of the convo.) I was laughing pretty hard with the imagery painted in my mind. I proudly say though, that my bladder and I held it together. Amigos!

You should also know that I ride a pendulum that swings, sometimes violently between laziness and perfection. Oddly enough I am a self labeled perfectionist that often quits at projects because of the fear of failure, therefore ruining my "perfect" image. Oh the pendulum rides I take sometimes! None the less, I feel it. I feel it swinging back up to perfection. I have all of these grand plans stirring around in my mind, all of these ideas, and dreams. All of these things I want to pursue coupled with the sobering reality of life around me right now.

I have 2 friends, my age, in the hospital right now. One fighting leukemia, the other a rare cancer. These are weighty words that came crashing down on me over the previous weekends. And I feel it. I feel myself seeing the uncontrollable circumstances they are in and so I'm grasping at straws to gain some kind of control in my own life. Jumping back into the vegetarian seat I let my legs drape out of as I enjoyed Chick-Fil-A. Nope, no more. I have to get this weight off. I have to do whatever is within my power to stave off cancer. See what I want and try to do it all. Sign me up. So what if I only get 5-6 hours of sleep. I'm going to be what they think I am; Martha Stewart. I bet Martha and MidWest Martha don't need 6 or more hours of sleep. Craft it? I will. Blog it? I will. Be the best at everything? It's a challenging job, but someone's got to do it. Right....?

Wrong. And I know that I'm wrong. So, yet again I'm trying to find a balance instead of the violent swinging.

I took a run through the woods today and I'm thinking I love that! Nothing makes running slightly more entertaining than hurdling overgrowth, avoiding swampy waters, and keeping an eye out for the unexpected log. I'm thinking maybe I should have thought about that cross country thing years ago. I anticipate doing it again tomorrow when it's only 70 degrees. It's gonna be awesome, I can tell.

I've also decided to make Tuesdays my thrifting days, but as I walked into Goodwill I considered making a calendar of when certain thrift stores have certain sales and shopping accordingly. That's my OCD rearing it's head. I'm just going to stick with Tuesdays. Today I walked out with black khakis, black flats, and a pair of scissors. All for $10! The scissors I just actually borrowed because I needed to cut the paper off of my newly purchased tennis racket. That's right! If I'm going to be an athlete, I'll need some equipment, even if it's the cheap stuff.

I didn't want to pull up to my tennis lesson tonight with my friend with it still in the packaging. Lame. Pishaw! So I cut it off and am now scooting out the door to get some lessons.

Found any great deals at your favorite thrift store recently?

Tell me.

And while we're at it, if you're local, where do you go?

I'm always looking to expand.

***

Here's a little project I want to try

with some thrift store

goodies.

Source: maryjanesandgaloshes.com via Angie on Pinterest

he knows every hair on my head and today he knows there's less

2011-09-13T00:35:00.001-05:00

This hair was meant to be touched.

I work at a school for the severe and profoundly disabled. It's guaranteed that each day will be an adventure. It's a strong possibility I will come home with a new bruise, scratch, or hilarious story. I love it. Today, however was not one of those I love it days. Today was a day packed full of "What the whats" and the like. As I was beginning to play a game today I was grabbed by the hair, a good gripper if I might say myself, and completely silenced in fear. I heard in my mind the tinkling music that would be played in a scene like this in a movie, where things in an instant changed from fun loving to dangerous. As I lay, torso sprawled on the desk, I whispered, please let go as it was yanked harder. Feeling as though the skin I've come to love protecting my skull, nerves, and things might begin to tear at any moment I quietly asked the other person in the room nearby watching helplessly to press the button and call for support. Just as the intercom clicked off and I heard the steps of quick approaching feet my hair was released, I gathered my things, went back to the room I was originally working in and continued my task as though nothing had happened. I had other students to work with. But as the calm that had flooded me at first grab began to fade, and the reality of the situation that just occurred and the pain I just began to feel replaced it, the tears began to flow. I excused myself to the solitary restroom and balled.

I cried over the pain and the fear.

I cried over the job, that this is the norm.

And I cried over the students; some of them simply people who have strong emotions but lack a positive way to express it.

The day continued from there with all the craziness that can happen in a day here. It's just the norm and you move on. I once asked myself why everyone doesn't do this work. I think I'm beginning to understand that maybe this is a gift that the Lord has given me for this time. That somehow, by His grace, I'm able to go home after a day like today, put a flower bow in my hair to tame the now frizzed parts and keep stepping. I love this job, I love my students, I dearly love my coworkers, but man is it WILD!

**********

On a lighter note:

BSF started tonight and besides my forgetfulness (we'll chalk it up to the hair pulling) it was a GREAT evening. It's gonna be such a good study. You should come!

I'm officially calling The Pioneer Woman, The Midwest Martha Stewart. It's true, right! Maybe I'll shorten it to Midwest Martha.

I myself was called Martha Stewart at school today. This was not the first time and in my little fantasy world, I'm beginning to believe I am. (Though in all honesty I am nowhere near her!)

I almost peed myself laughing tonight. Thanks Tommy.

{this 4 letter word called life}

2011-09-11T22:14:00.000-05:00

On a whim I visited a church on Saturday evening. As luck would have it, there was a bbq afterwards. I found a group of people who seemed as non-threatening as possible and settled there for the evening. As I threw my trash away and came back to my group I looked around realizing I was in a group of all men. Somehow, I found myself encircled by all but 1 single men at church on a Saturday evening. I don't know if this happens to you on the regular but for me, it does not. Not Ever. EVER. So, having better judgement than I normally do I gracefully bowed out knowing that if I stayed any longer, having realized my situation, I would begin rambling eventually making a fool of myself. I walked away confidently giddy that I had just found myself surrounded by men! ;)

Throughout the entire weekend I found myself being complimented, on my creativity, my weight loss, my style sense. Do you ever just need these times? Times of people taking notice. Not that I would consider myself vain, but I need assurances from others time to time in various areas, encouragements, compliments. It's not as though throughout my days I hear a constant barrage of negative comments from others in these areas. In fact, on the regular I hear nothing at all. But maybe that's because I'm fixated on the barrage of negative comments coming from my own self. I cannot tell you how many times in a day I belittle my own self, my own ideas, my own opinions. It's a battlefield over here with me, myself, and I. Most times I'm totally unaware of it until I find myself in a funk for no apparent reason. When taking time to process I can understand the funk because I've been listening to my unkind self talk for days and have begun to believe it. For a moment in that group of men that voice was blocked out and I was free to be me, without reserve for fear that I may not seem "marriage material", without looking at each of them through my own "marriage material" lens. Just me. Just them.

So this evening I'm quiet and reflective. Thinking about life, the shortness of it, all the tragedy that comes through it, yet all the joy that is meant to be lived in it. There are moments in our lives that are sobering, tonight I think of September 11, 2001 of course, my own near death car accident in 2006, and I think of friends whose lives have recently been radically rocked forever with the news of cancer in their young bodies. Sobering. Life. Life is messy and incalculable. It is full of the unexpected when we continue to plan for what we presume to be the expected. So tonight I'm thinking there's just not enough time. Not enough time to fill my mind with all the can'ts, won'ts, nevers. There's not enough time in this 4 letter word called life to listen to my own rage and bitterness, mockery and self-defeat. There is still life to live. Life to be had. Life to dream up and pursue without the nagging voice of negativity.

So this September 11th, I remember and am reminded that life is still mine to live.

*I remember being in my dorm room asleep 10 years ago today. A freshman in college with no early morning classes that day. A girl on the hall came in to wake me to tell me the 1st tower had just been struck in New York. I was so confused, feeling as though I had just woken up in someone elses' life. I live in America. Things like this don't happen here. She left and still completely confused I laid back down trying to process what I had just been told. There was so much commotion in the hall I realized this had to be for real. I opened my door to find girls racing up the stairs to get to the t.v. and on their cell phones. I meandered up as well still fuzzy about the whole thing. As I sat down in the silently hysterical room we watched as the rest of the events occurred. The second plane hitting the 2nd tower. The Pentagon. We watched on, helpless and horrified, fearful and perplexed. A stream of emotions felt so deeply that day, that even today as I write, even now, I remember and shudder. I remember walking ground zero the following year, ash and memorials crowding the sidewalks. A sight I wouldn't have ever in my wildest imagination created as stood in the very same spot the summer of 2001. I remember. In a moment, everything about the world as I knew it was different and I remember.

Foxes n Heels

2011-09-06T22:49:00.000-05:00

I hope that where ever you are, today was as gorgeous for you as it was for me. It could not have been any better. Clear blue skies, a chill in the air with the hint of fall sprinkled in. Too good. So what better thing to do then enjoy it. I imagined my way through the work day, dreaming of the things I would do when I left. I'd go to the park and take a walk since I'd been using the heat as my excuse to not exercise out of doors. I'd go to the library and get some brilliant book that I could get lost in. And then, a little too late but just fine because it's almost autumn and the rules can be bent a bit, I'd get some deliciously healthy dinner and cozy up with my book. Doesn't that sound so wonderfully perfect? It does, but my plan was already sabotaged over the weekend.

This weekend I went to the country house, without a camera of course! My dear friend Kate's family has this house in my favorite memory of the country. Once, when I was apart of a traveling drama team in college we stayed at this gorgeous home on a farm that had all of these animals. It was because of this experience that I could ever imagine myself as some real country girl. I'm not, but I could imagine it. We'll the country house was just on the other side of the river from my memory. There were horses and cows, deer, and fish, rafts and the river. It was glorious! Perfect weather, perfect friends, and the perfect little setting. However, my not actually being a country girl or maybe just a coordinated girl did not fair well for me on the river. To save the story for another time I'll just tell you that I left the country house completely exhausted and sore as all get out only to get to return to work the very next day, today.

I, sadly, was a zombie today. I'm not sure that I could actually tell you much of what happened or who was there. I was sleepy. Really sleepy. So instead of cruising on to my awesome plans I decided a nap would be better. Then I could do all the awesomeness lined up for me. I set my alarm for 5 and was up at 6:50. I'm not sure how I do it but I'm quite skilled at ignoring or dismissing the alarm. I still wanted my dream evening to work out so I scrambled to the park. The sun was beginning to set so I knew I wouldn't be taking any long paths into the woods. So I more sauntered on my little path, looking at the trees, shoving my head phones into my pocket choosing the natural playlist already engulfing me. I passed readers, athletes, Mormon mommies, and old folks. A baby fox and I played what he probably thought was peek-a-boo. Whereas I was playing I'm-keeping-an-eye-on-you. I kept envisioning turning my head for one minute and him coming to swipe me out at the ankles. Whatever. I'm glad I have an imagination.

I took the long way to the library. Choosing the back curvy roads, lined with mansions whose costs are unspeakable. I stared, as much as I could while still remaining safe on the road, at the house of my dreams. A white 2 story, with southern charm. A sweet wrap around porch, with a second floor balcony complete with 2 white rocking chairs, ceiling fan, and a view of the expansive park. A cute little family played basketball in front of the garage while I pined away alone in my little car. *sigh* Someday. Well, maybe not someday for that exact picture but someday for the warmth that scene brought to my heart. Someday. Walking into the library, to what should my searching eyes rest on but Ree Drummond's book Black Heels to Tractor Wheels. Who's Ree Drummond you ask. Maybe you know her better as The Pioneer Woman. If you've not yet heard of her, continue to claw your way out from underneath that rock and fall in love with her sassy personality and heart stopping kitchen creativity over at her blog. You'll not regret it!

Then on the heels of 9o'clock I swung by Qdoba because it sounded tasty and I have a rewards card with them. If I'm going to eat out I might as well be rewarded for it right? I chose the vegetarian option, light on the dairy. He told me as he wrapped my bulging burrito that there was a slight tear. He asked if I wanted him to re-wrap it. When they ask you if you want it re-wrapped say yes. Always say yes. For if you don't and you chose, out of hunger and fear of eating after 9, to eat the massive burrito while driving you will have the death of that burrito all over the front of your shirt and the seat of your car. Pulling into my driveway I emptied the rest of that burrito into the bag it came in sufficing to just eat the tortilla. Trying to find some way to walk into my house without exposing the murder scene on my shirt the bag tore and the burrito remnants fell on to the door step. As I was trying to pick them up and fling them elsewhere I dropped my keys and the book into the mess and the door opened. The Man I Live With (there's not a shortcut around explaining them so I will just say I live with a family and they will be referred to as The Family I Live With, I'm not actually just living with a dude.) stood there peering down at my disaster. His words of comfort were that the dogs would get it. I scrambled inside and soaked my bean drenched shirt.
So, though, it didn't turn out quite like I expected I did have my glorious evening and feel like tomorrow I just be coherent enough to have another splendid evening!

What are you most excited for

with Autumn approaching?

A Martha

2011-08-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today I was called a Martha. Before you start to think of me as holy I must tell you they were referring to Martha Stewart and I could not be happier. TODAY I WAS CALLED A MARTHA! It was a combination of things that brought on this compliment. The precise organization of my own desk. My slight obsession with organizing the supply closet, the cabinets, counters, and chairs. It was also the making of my jersey necklaces and turning the scraps into a flower broach. I'm sure my everyday cardigan wearing played a role. As well as my suggestion that we teach the kids how to make owl cupcakes for the fall. A Martha? For all the right reasons, I'll take it.

But speaking of fall, tomorrow is September 1st and I could not be more excited! Autumn is coming! Just saying September makes me want to light up a few warm candles, throw on a light sweater, crunch through the leaves, listen to bluegrass, and drink apple cider while crafting or reading some delightful book. Alas, it was 104 when I got into my car today. 104! Oh August, you never cease to amaze me. None the less, this weekend I'm going to The Country House with friends, which I feel has the potential to only make me desire the onset of Autumn further still. We'll chat and laugh, create, and relax while the men do their thing. There's sure to be floating and swimming in the river, roasting s'mores, and catching up. Doesn't it sound lovely? Yes, yes it does. You don't even have to say it I already know.

I hope you have an extended weekend filled with all the yumminess of life that you enjoy!

27th day of August

2011-08-27T23:41:00.003-05:00

Dear Friends,
You are the sweetest! Thank you for your sweet words, missing my blog :) That puts such a smile on this face, that not only do you read it, but you miss it when I'm not writing. Dear to my heart! Thank you. Today, I have hijacked a friends computer for a few hours to write a few words to you and of course catch up on Pintrest. It's like a friend I haven't seen in ages. We pick up right where we left off, as though no time has passed at all. That's right, I'm swooning over blogs and pins. It's the little things these days.

I had so many fun things I wanted to tell you but I'm listening to The Civil Wars and they have pushed out all those fun things with such contemplative thoughts and dreamings. They are some of my new favorites. Ever needing a folksy romantic fix they are the ticket!

Alright, so to spare you from the novel I could write about my life right now I will tell you 27 things, because it's the 27th day of August and that's good enough for me.

27. I had an odd sushi roll yesterday. Sweet potato and avocado. I was expecting those ingredients alone, you now like a PB&J sushi roll only has PB&J. This came with rice. Surprisingly delish!

26. I got said sushi roll because I'm now a vegetarian. Apparently an odd vegetarian because I don't like spicy stuff but restaurants tend not to make non spicy veggie things. (insert Debbie Downer sound effect here.)

25. I considered being vegan but then went to Jilly's Cupcake Bar and had a Space Monkey. I'm pretty committed to eating cream cheese for the rest of my life. If you haven't been to Jilly's, and I mean the actual shop, not just a place that sells her yummy products, you must go! She came in third place on Food Network's Cupcake Wars and she's right here in St. Louis!

24. My parents recently renewed their vows, which I was elected the planner of. I had to Google vow renewal etiquette cause I'd never attended one, much less planned it-- not much help as the general rule is there are no rules. It was a hit and made me question a bit why I didn't go the event planner route.

23. I've been helping to lead worship at my church recently. It feels like home, church, not the singing, I still want to vomit a bit before I sing each Sunday.

22. I've lived in St. Louis an entire 2 years and 6 days as an adult! And I can honestly say I LOVE IT~!! Who would have ever guessed?

21. I worked at the Jewish Community Center this summer. No, I am not Jewish. No, you do not have to be Jewish to work or work out there.

20. But I did find that the J (the cool name) is the place to meet attractive single men! Yowzers. It was a good summer. ;)

19. I'm still single.... so clearly it's a good place to meet them but anything beyond that is beyond me. Oh my ~~curse~~ blessing!

18. I'm coming into my own, style wise. I used to buy things that were just ok because I'm a bigger girl and what hope did I have of finding clothing that I actually enjoyed and looked GOOD in? Well, daggum, that phase is over and I'm committed to looking and feeling good in what I wear!

17. So in that respect I got myself two hot-to-trot dresses that I adore and look quiet fabulous in! Now, I just need some places to wear them to. Maybe not anymore weddings cause I'm kind of tired of looking so awesome at weddings where there are no single men.

16. To my married friends: get some male single friends and hook a sister up. Not even friendS, just A friend. sheesh. ;) I kid. I kid. kind of.

15. I lost 21 pds. this summer. Between the never ending heat wave and being out in it the whole time, being vegetarianish, and having a free membership my odds were pretty good.

14. I may have gained it all back because of my refound love of Chick-Fil-A! I know this is counter vegetarian, but when a girl needs meat what better establishment to go to than one that openly promotes Christ and has DELICIOUS food. I'm just saying, when I put chicken on a bun with a few pickles it doesn't taste nearly as good.

13. I finally made a jersey braided necklace and scarf! It's been on my mental crafting checklist for a while now.

12. I went solo to a crafters event in a mall! I don't know if I've told you but I abhor malls to the very fiber of my being. Which could explain why I've still never been to Charming Charlie's which I hear will be my nirvana if ever we meet.

11. I've been crooning Adele's newest album 21. (Side note: does anyone know why she's numbering her albums, are they symbolic or random?) For a minute I thought she had crept into my internal monologues, alas she did not.

10. In a delusional fit I cut my own bangs. The original product looked like a mullet but with a little finesse they look intentional and edgy!

9. I'm about 2 seconds away from a new tattoo. Not that I've been thinking about it for 2 seconds. I've been thinking about it for 3 years. It's time.

8. I'll have to be careful about the timing of said tattoo because of MY NEW FULL TIME JOB working with students with severe special needs and the likelihood of being slapped or bitten near the tender art.

6. My computer is broken. I feel at any moment my car is going to fall apart, as well, on the highway, tires rolling every which way, hood smoking, the whole nine yards. It will of course wait another few months when I will be finished paying for it and warranty expired.

5. I tried to reconcile a broken friendship only to find out reconciliation is messy and my worst imagining didn't come close to what actually happened. Heart breaking, I know.

4. BSF starts back in a few weeks and I could not be more thrilled to be studying Acts. Want to come? You totally should!

3. My brother and his family live with my parents now. It is soooo sweet to have them near.

2. I'm planning a trip to London next summer to potentially help in opening an Asha Shop. :)

1. I am loving being creative! Between Forai, my amazingly talented friends, and my own motivation, I've got thoughts a'stirrin and I am excited!

And so, that's me in a nut shell right now. 27 things for 27 days of August. I hope you are well, that your summer was fantastic, and that you are living in joy right now!

I Miss You!

2011-07-12T18:41:00.000-05:00

You're still here! Thank you. I was just doing a little check of the site and saw that you are still visiting, catching up on your summer reading I imagine. Well, thank you. The computer is still dead with little hope of revival and the possibility of gettig a new one seems distant. So, in the mean time I'll stalk myself through this little device I'm so greatful for. I miss this and I miss you.

Remember When?

2011-06-10T15:54:00.000-05:00

Hey, so do you remember when I used to blog? You remember, back when my computer worked? Well, I feel like that's been ages ago. I justed wanted to at least pop in via itouch and let y'all know I'm alive, but my computer isn't. Be praying for that, as this blog is such a fun outlet for me and I hope for you. Hope you're well and enjoying summer! Hopefully talk to you soon!
~ angielee

{The Great Divide} talking about what we don't talk about

2011-06-01T05:00:00.001-05:00

I'm presuming there are not a lot of men who visit this little world of mine. In fact I only know of one who has me in his Google Reader (or maybe HAD me there :) Thanks Jay!)
So what better platform to have a bit of a gripe about what awesome single ladies gripe about occasionally to close friends or acquaintances or in my case total strangers... our singleness and the lack of control we have over it.

So, recently I've had the privilege to speak with several a single lady who are baffled like me by the state of too many lovely christian women. I read a while ago there are people who are single for a reason and people who are single for a season. Despite either of these two logic's the alarming truth is that there are an astounding number of women who desire to be married, to raise children, are of a reasonable age and are AMAZING. I'm not just talking like hey I'm cool "amazing" but like hey I'm COOL, I LOVE Jesus, I'm about the work of HIS Kingdom, and I'm gonna do this thing with our without a husband kind of AMAZING.

But what IS lacking is AMAZING men to come along side these women. Don't get me wrong, there are guys out there. That's not the problem. The problem is these AMAY-ZA-ZING women don't just want some guy. They want a man. Can I just include myself in there? I mean I like to think of myself as pretty amay-za-zing as well. WE want a man. Stop me if I'm wrong.

I'm not expecting this man to be the best at everything or at anything. I'm expecting, and I assume I'm not alone in this, a man to love Jesus, to be committed to His Kingdom, and his purpose within the Kingdom. I'm expecting that he be apart of the Church and his church. These are foundational things. Anything outside of this is preference and is debatable.

So... what's up? For realsies? Cause I'm not seeing that this list is something insurmountable. But what I do see are churches or organizations filled with women, sprinkled with men, and many a man not willing, interested, or motivated to ask a lady out. I understand there is fear of rejection. Risk. Whatever else may be a hindrance. But men this is your biblical role, to initiate, to pursue, to risk the rejection, or maybe just maybe hear a resounding YES.

I know once there used to be a stigma maybe with dorkier, shyer, socially awkward men versus the smooth, popular guy. But men, can I just give you some encouragement if you're still reading this, nearly ALL of my friends, who are AMAZING, have said they prefer the shyer, dorkier, socially awkward men! No joke. You are not the underdog anymore, so stop behaving like it. Put on the pants that are rightfully yours, pray, and pursue. Yes, you may get rejected. Yes, it may hurt a bit. But you also might find an AMAY-ZA-ZING jewel.

And to my dear ladies, myself included, I think Oswald Chambers said it best " If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man can ever be- absolutely right. Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else." Our trust, hope, and desires cannot be wrapped up in man, for they will always disappoint and we will always disappoint them. But who we continue to trust in, look towards, and lean on is Christ. The One who never disappoints and indeed is shaping you into the amazing women you are.

I pray for our hope and strength to be found in Him. And I pray that our focus would be on the grand purposes He has set aside for you to do in the area He has placed you even now.

Home

2011-05-31T13:11:00.000-05:00

Hello! Hola! Bonjour! My word it's been awhile. How are you? Anything new in your world?

I feel as though everything is new in mine. With the move that's less than 20 minutes from where I grew up and spent the past 2 years I feel like I'm in a totally different city. It's as though I'm living in Texas, specifically Plano. Every thing is so much more grandiose and extravagant. I'm taking roads I've never been on before, which you know is one of my favorite things, but it's strange because this is my town. I should know these roads. Instead, I'm driving with friends as a passenger just so I can acquaint myself with my surroundings, learn these new winding roads, and read sign after sign, another favorite past time. Are you the sign reader in the car? Every car has one and in mine it's me. It's a whole new side to St. Louis. One that I avoided frequently because well, I often don't feel like I belong in the environment.

I've moved to Town & Country, which is just that; both town and country. It's a sweet area of St. Louis that bustles with city life and nature. It holds some of the most expensive homes I've seen in real life and lil ole me is now living there. I really wrestled with the move, because of my insecurities but also because of my own bias towards the rich. So as I settled in to the new digs and adjusted to the new family I asked God why in the world He would move me out here. For the path that I saw for myself, this move was in the opposite direction. As Jeane and I drove, exploring the new surroundings we came across some interesting places that confirmed in my heart my purpose for this time.

Within but a 10 mile (+ or -) radius of my new home there is a Mormon Temple, a church of Christian Scientology, a Hindu Temple, and an Islamic Temple. Immediately there came to mind the verse about it being easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. Christianity, following Christ, is the only religion that requires a humbling of self, a giving up of ALL idols for the sake of The One King and His One Kingdom. All other beliefs are false and do not lead to everlasting abundant life. So, my conviction, after seeing these dear places is to pray for them and the various people that are associated with their false teachings.

A day is coming when no more will my prayers be heard by the Father because the eternal fate of the lost will be sealed. But, until that day, my heart and mouth will plead the cause of these people, that God, Jehovah, may be merciful in giving them time to see the error of their ways, to repent, and to draw near and live out the truth of The Gospel.

I thank God that He has brought me to this place, where I can swim, listen to cicadas and church bells, watch deer graze, and enjoy life. I thank God that I'm no further from my own church that challenges me to not get wrapped up in the things of this life and my own longings but pushes me to care more for Him and His Kingdom purposes. I thank God that He has placed me right here, right now, for such a time as this. And I thank God that He still hears the prayers of His people and acts on their behalf.

For His glory and His fame in this new place I now call home.

Dancing In The Streets

2011-05-20T12:37:00.000-05:00

Today driving to work I noticed the elegance and balance it takes to drive down the highway between these little lines we call lanes. Today, maybe it was the shining sun or the beautiful breeze but I was feeling whimsical. As I watched these cars float by me I just thought about how much this driving thing is like a dance. There are some people who know what they're doing in their dance shoes, others who are totally uncomfortable. There are some who keep beat, those who are a little spastic zipping and racing around the floor, and those that are slow and off beat. There are times when toes get stepped on or bums get bumped and cause a jam but the dance goes on.
Just my little thoughts from my pleasant dance to work this morning.

But for real, I'd like to go dancing sometime soon (cough, cough, this weekend). A little rump shaking, a little fox trot, a little ball change, maybe some salsa, and a lot of fun.

What are your plans for

the weekend?

Any dancing involved?

Cause you know...

Nobody

puts

baby

corner

Favorites

2011-05-15T20:28:00.002-05:00

My friends. I went to another craft show on Saturday (AHHHHHH!!! LOVE). My heart soars. MY HEART SOARS!!! So I just wanted to show you two of my faves.

It was a rainy, kind of icks day for an outdoor craft show so there weren't as many vendors there. However the one that sent me over board in giddiness at the last show at Oak Knoll was there. I nabbed a card and can show you her stuff!

I have to tell you, when I was in high school I used to wear thrift store bought ties around my head as head bands. I loved it, minus the having to retie it because, well ties weren't meant for heads. SO, Buffalo Blue has solved my dilemma! Yippie!

Then, I found Cristin Rae, who is the cutest, sweetest, and talented BELIEVER. I LOVED all of her stuff. So, I bought a sweet flower clip and rocked it all day yesterday. I got lots o'compliments!

Like Cristin Rae's stuff?

You can get 10% off your online purchase.

Just use this code:

10PERCENT

enjoy!

Cheers!

2011-05-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

Heart soaring.
Cheeks beaming.
The Giddies.

I'm looking to transfer within the company, a promotion of sorts. I was called today and told that I had OUTSTANDING recommendations and I could "pretty much pick the job of my choice". When I told her my heart was set on one particular position, she said she'd "whisper in ears and get me to the top of the list." Someone please pinch me cause this would be cruel if it were a dream.

Just this week I've concluded my study of Isaiah with BSF. Today I'm reminded of one of my favorite promises from the study; Isaiah 60:22 "I am the Lord; in its time I will hasten it." Dear friends, many of you have walked this long road with me. Some of you have just joined in. I thank you for your consistent and faithful prayers for me. I know that it has been for my good that I had great bitterness (38:17). Without those times I would not know the true character of my Savior. I would not know the true strength of His Spirit that dwells within man. So thank you for your encouraging words, your physical provision, and your comic relief. You truly have strengthened my weak hands and feeble knees. You have soothed my anxious heart with your assurance that He will come to save (35:3&4). I have searched for stability in many lesser things and even without this good news He has been just that: stable (33:5&6). I am confident that everything He begins, He will also bring to pass (37:26). I have experienced many a let down in these recent years, so I'm cautiously thrilled about the possibilities. I'm seeking to not let my hope be built on them but on the faithfulness of The One who restores the years the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25). I know that I have nothing to fear, even if the bottom drops out again, because I know that His delight is in me (62:1-5) and that He, the Mighty One of Israel is with me (43).

So cheers for ALL that the Lord is doing in the heart and lives of His people even now.

*Now for you all who have been praying with me, you know the 3 things we've been praying about. And I'm just saying: home (check), job (potential check) within a matter of literally 1 week. Hows about we step up our praying about a Heath Sundae with Caramel?! ;)

For Lauren

2011-05-11T21:46:00.000-05:00

I'm done pretending that any of these blogs have cohesive meaningful thought. I'm just gonna tell you it as it comes. So, if you want to come visit me, which you should, you'll need to come before Wednesday the 25th. If you come after then, which you totally can, you won't be seeing me cause I'll have moved to my new place, which I am forever referring to as Cheshire Mansion. Yes, that's right I'm moving! I'm sure I'll write more about it later, but if I forget the short of it is; my brother's family is moving in which means I'm moving out. Want more info than that, stay tuned, drop a message, or give me a ring on the telle. Y'all know I'm an open book!

None the less, if you're coming to visit me, you should know some things before the trek. First, you should know how much I adore guests. Second, you should know that the streets leading to my house are all speed traps. Third, you should know that I will probably challenge you to a face off. That's right a face off! A favorite past time of mine is making silly faces in the mirror. Any of you who speak to me in person on the regular obviously know this as you tell me all the time how "expressive" (code for crazy) my faces are.

You should also know that a new hobby is developing, but rarely occurs outside of my car. I'm developing my mad skills as a beat boxer. Go ahead, reread it b-e-a-t--b-o-x-e-r. So tonight, driving home after a great time at house church and catching up with Lo (see title) I was a beat boxing fool. I was kind of impressed with myself, not as good as this guy but I'm a rookie. Turning on to my street a sweet beat started rumbling through my lips and I turned down the air (cause it's gone from 50-90 in the STL) so I could hear it. Wrapped up in my own rhythms I didn't notice that I was going 25 in my ~~lame~~ 20mph neighborhood. Well, I didn't notice that is, until the police car parked on my right turned on his lights. My beats weren't so awesome right then, however my heart beat was rockin out! "Dang, why my beats gotta be so dope?" I asked myself. I didn't actually ask myself that, I was more like "Shoot! I definitely deserve this one."

Do you want to know what happened next? He just sat there. Lights on. Parked. So I hesitantly kept driving, not wanting to make him think he was going to have to high speed chase me down. I knew I was wrong, I was ready for my ticket. I went over the hill, staring through my rear view mirror, fully expecting a patrol car to come barreling over the hill meeting me just as I pulled up to my house! He didn't. I got out and went inside. What grace! Totally knowing what I deserve, but not receiving it. Mmmmm. That's good stuff.

So, I'm thinking, I might need to move my mad skills to the house, where distraction is welcomed, maybe not so much on the road.

{Free}

2011-05-04T22:37:00.001-05:00

Yep, still feeling free as a bird. Lots of exciting things happening over here friends! I'll update you as they come along. (excuse the cheesy video but I just love the idea of that freedom!)

*Side note: Is anyone else completely in love with almost everything in this issue of Anthropologie? I'm glad there are crafty people out there who can teach me to make those things for WAY cheaper.

My Messy, Thrilling Life

2011-05-03T07:51:00.000-05:00

I follow this completely adorable blog called My Messy, Thrilling Life and I could think of NO better title for this post than that. There's so much to say that just doesn't fit together quite right so pardon my scattered thoughts here:

1. I just murdered the biggest bug (not a spider) I've ever seen in real life. I say murdered, because I heard its oxygen and goo seeping from it's smashed shell underneath my shoe. I say shoe because it was too large to be killed with a flip flop- my normal weapon of choice. Who won't be sleeping well tonight? That's me!
2. The giddies over took me again today, the hope of... well hope springing up. See # 5 the purpose of this post.
3. I saw a friend who is a hilarious, well mannered, skinny man playing his cello like it was a guitar tonight. I almost cried it looked so great. ~~I also almost cried when he stopped before anyone could get a picture of it.~~
4. I have been abundantly blessed with women in my life that pour truth into me. Recently, I have had 3 separate women who don't know each other and aren't intimately involved in my life on a day to day basis speak similar words of encouragement and peace to me through thoughtful emails. I will share with you anonymously the sweet words these women shared with me some day soon.
5. THE BEAST, the reason this post exists.

Have you seen The Holiday? Oh dear one, it's a must and I don't often call movies a must but this one, it's there. So there's this part in the movie when Kate Winslet's character (you already know what I'm going to say don't you? Ya, it's one of those moments!) has a breakthrough with a man that has captivated her heart for FAR too long. She finds her voice, gathers a little "gumption" (no but seriously you have to watch it. Call me, we' ll watch it together) and kicks this man out for good, slamming the door behind him in utter VICTORY! And from the pits, deep with in, a yell comes from the depths of her soul that screams of freedom!

(Ok, here's a tiny clip, but then really, you must see the whole thing!)

Oh, my sweet friends. Today was my day. Today I screamed for freedom over and over and over again as I retold the story. The story of the 16 year long saga of me and a guy that came to a beautiful, completely final END. I found my voice and it wasn't at all what I thought it would sound like. At least in this situation. The voice I found was of deep compassion, care, and concern for him and his well being, but confident that that well being is completely apart from me. I spoke words of kindness, when I expected words of hate. I spoke words of care when I thought there was bitterness. My friends, we call lesser things epic, but this, THIS IS EPIC!

And the most glorious thing is that it's by absolutely no effort of my own. In 16 years I consistently ran back, in 16 years I questioned to be or not to be, in 16 years I never felt completely sold on no. But I'm here tonight telling you confidently, Freedom is mine! The Lord IS making all things new, even now! EVEN NOW! He is restoring the years the locusts have eaten. Sisters, brothers, this is GOOD news. This has been a long awaited time, prayed for by many, answered by One! There's no other reasoning for it, than from the hand of God Himself. Without me realizing it, He has brought healing to some of the most broken parts of me. He has given me a voice to say "no more." He's given me genuine love for one I once called an enemy. Y'all, I don't know if you get it, but this is H-U-G-E (regular sized letters would not have done the trick.)!

This little life of mine, that I don't know what the Lord is doing with, is messy, but today I could not be more thrilled about it! This song only makes me a bit more thrilled about it!

10 Years Later

2011-05-02T01:09:00.000-05:00

In 4 months and 10 days it will be September 11, 2011, 10 years after the tragedy that struck New York, DC, America. Today, Osama Bin Laden was killed, announced officially dead by President Obama.

I imagine the memorial of 9/11 will have a much different feel this year. A sense of some sort of punishment served, justice prevailed. Tonight we celebrate. There are people dancing in the streets, shouting American anthems, rejoicing in the victory of the moment. There is joy to be had at the death of one who indeed brought so much death.

I myself, am conflicted. I rejoice, not with dancing in the streets, but with a smile, a deep sense of gratitude to my God and to those who did the act that I myself never could. But I also mourn. I think of the lives that were lost on 9/11 and since then through war. Bin Laden's death doesn't make up for their's. It doesn't some how make everything right again. And I'm confident, where ever the souls of those slain lay, they no longer care about Bin Laden. I'm sure there is rejoicing in heaven, but of a different kind. A rejoicing that God again proves that evil will not win the day. Not a rejoicing that a sinful and unrepentant man received his reward of death.

My soul aches with the thought that he has led so many astray. Many that will now, in retaliation, scheme, plot, and attack those of whom they hate. My soul aches with the thought that many Americans will no longer see their need for God. When there are times of victory our hearts turn from the true Victor. The combination in lethal. May God have mercy.

So tonight, as I lay my head down for bed, I pray that we not have a false sense of security but that we would rest in the Sovereign hand of God. I pray that I would not be glad in the death of an evil man, but that I would be glad in the death of the evil practices of that one man. I pray that my American pride would not overshadow my call to love those that despise me, my religion, or my country. And I pray that just as we turned to God in times of severe duress, that we again would Trust In God and give Him the honor He deserves.

I Think I'm In Love

2011-05-01T15:52:00.000-05:00

A Whole New World the song kept running through my mind while I was at the St. Louis Indie Craft Revolution. My heart was bursting with gladness, my eyes wide and grasping every last morsel of crafted goodness. My hands roamed over every beautiful thing.

I think I'm in love. I don't know if other people go to a craft show and have the same kid of thrilling experience that I had. I don't know if they have to physically restrain themselves from squealing in delight over neck tie head bands. YES!!!! You read it right. Or if they feel the urge to tell every vendor they delight in how wonderful their work is. If this was a love language I would have found mine. If this is a personality type, I fit right here! I could have stayed there all day, literally all day, chatting with people, feeling their products, imagining my life with those things. Ahhhh. SO energizing.

So you know, because I have no money but the hope that someday I will I grabbed up ALL of the cards I could. Literally, all the things I loved I took a card for. 14 in total. 14 booths that made my heart skip a beat. 14 booths that made me giddy with the thought of crafting it myself, being friends with them, or someday having their product in my life. And... I couldn't wait to tell you about it. I had to tell you about it.

I know you know my heart but lack of ability. I've got a crafters heart but a doorposts skills and a poor man's budget. Oh if I could!

But for now I'll dream and wish of the day that I'll live in some other land, married, with 5 little ones racing around, crafting away while telling women about the Good News of Christ. One day my friends, mark my words.

********
I needed today to lift me from my pit. I don't know if you read my rantings here, if you did bless your heart and I'm not always that Debbie Downer, just one of those days. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean....hmmph maybe not. If you didn't, keep my light heartedness read here in mind as you read my release of pint up emotions there. ;)

One Week Ago

2011-05-01T00:57:00.001-05:00

Unless you live under a rock or just don't care I'm sure you've heard about the devastation St. Louis encountered Good Friday, the same series of storm systems that recently attacked Alabama. I wanted to write something, but I had no words, and honestly no real concept of what had just happened to my city. So I didn't write. I just watched. I watched every news cast that covered it. Turned through picture after picture on Facebook. Soaking it all in, trying to get some perspective on what just occurred a mile from my house.

As I viewed the coverage my mind just couldn't wrap around it. I've lived here 20 years and yet couldn't recognize one picture I saw. Everything broken, tattered, tossed about carelessly by an unleashed tornado. Precious trinkets from homes lay on the ground, entire trees uprooted lying as though they were just branches whipped about by the wind. These things don't happen in the city.

(photo courtesy of kmov 4)

"Tornado's rarely come into the city." I had just heard a forecaster say those similar words and I freely told friends this news as to calm their nerves as church let out that Good Friday night to sirens blaring warning of the oncoming danger. I, confident that our area would not get hit, went to dinner with friends. It was only when I came home and turned the t.v. on that I knew anything had happened. I called my friend driving that way from my house to warn of the chaos she was about to run into. I had no idea.

Through Maryland Heights, Bridgeton, Lambert Airport, Berkley, Ferguson. I rarely travel that direction during the day, so I went the entire week without seeing the devastation myself. One week and I had already let it slip from my mind. My life was not affected, so my thoughts were not diverted from the every day tasks and family/ministry/relational thoughts I have normally. I had vaguely forgotten, remembering not to take certain ways if I had to travel that way, but never thinking about the people now displaced, not really.

(Photo courtesy of Victor Alexander)

Today, distracted by the sunshine, I took St. Charles Rock Road. I took it all the way down to the overpass. Things began to feel eerily different, disheveled. I began to see business' windows boarded up, blue tarps, bare tree tops, broken limbs. Then there was this clearing. A clearing that had never existed before. Greenery used to hide the homes that sat on the hill. For all I knew looking there, that forest continued on forever. But today, I saw. The thick destroyed and the damaged exposed. I felt I should turn away, to give them the privacy the trees once did but I couldn't. It was all I could do to not pull over and weep for them, for their loss, for their pain. Some homes a complete loss, others untouched, most having major chunks missing from them. The ruins were strewn about, wood beams that once made a home stable now looking like broken toothpicks.

I know my tears would not help. They would not heal. But the sight was all too overwhelming. A devastation our tender hearts were never to know, yet for The Fall. 35,000 without power, many homes completely destroyed, many more people displaced, yet NOT ONE life lost. What a miracle, what a gracious act of mercy from The Sovereign One.

For as destructive and powerful as these tornadoes have been both here and in the south they are but the very fringes of the power of The Lord, The God of Jacob, The Redeemer. A nation's shock at the turmoil these disasters bring, is nothing compared to the awe that will overwhelm the nations when Faithful and True rides in to redeem His own and demolish His enemies.

My dear friends (I know we don't know each other, but I consider us friends if that's ok?) those are your options; to be called His Own or to be an enemy. There is no third, secret option. He is withholding His full wrath so as to give time for decisions to be made. Choose now dear one. As a day will come, and is coming soon, when your choice will be made whether by your own deduction or an end of time.

I pray that you are made new in the life that Jesus Christ offers through salvation. I pray that when your days are done on this tumultuous earth that you will rejoice forever with The King remembering no more the devastation of the past.

{I Could Write A Country Song After Today}

2011-04-29T11:01:00.000-05:00

*To be read in Paula Dean southern accent, as that is how I'm writing it.*

Y'all! Today was a doozie to say the least. With every new thing that happened I thought dog, this could be my long, depressing tribute to trucks, ticks, dogs, and chicks. Yes, I just went there, but I have to tell you my story before you judge me.

Today, I went to sub at a middle school looking fairly cute if I might say myself. I thought, what 68 degrees, indoors until 2:45 with kids I'm not squirming around on the floor with? Why not wear a skirt, t-shirt, light cardigan (always), and flip flops. Here's why not! Hows about this, I may not have been squirming on the floor but I was squishing in the mud. Today was Special Olympics, a privilege I was honored to partake in, but a little heads up would have been nice. So, with Arctic like winds, a field that has soaked up every last drop of rain and could hold no more, we dashed, sprinted, and catapulted our way through the day. Me in my pencil skirt and flops, flipping mud up the back of my legs, squishing saturated grass between my toes. Oh yes, my friends, this girl went barefoot for a time for fear of breaking a strap off my flip flops. Who knows what little gems lay lurking in those fields but I'm sure my mud covered feet gathered it all throughout the course of the day.

At home, I got a call from jail. Yes, a call from jail y'all where "V" is being held for the next few days. Probation broken, they're looking at 3 years in prison. I'm still waiting for the blood to come back to my face from that one.

Then, as I went to go wash my feet and legs there was an urgent knock on my door. It was the neighbor asking me to help push her car into her drive way from the street. And by help, she meant simply, to push her car into the driveway alone because she herself was pregnant.. So, in a dash I slipped back on my mud covered flops and marched my skirt covered butt to the car. Gathering all of my strength I pushed that Blazer into the spot. I stood up to pat myself on the back when the truck began rolling back on me. No, no, not today blazer, I will not give my life or toes to you today. So I squatted down and girded up more strength and pushed the car back, only to have another car slowly drive by seeing me in a skirt and cardigan pushing a truck. Do these things happen in anyone else's life cause I don't ever hear about it?

After washing my feet and legs I needed to get out of my house after the news of "V" and all the repercussions that would have. I went to Whole Foods, grabbed the necessities, and then sat in my car crying; crying, completely overwhelmed by the darkness, both in the clouds and in the life of "V" and family. I looked up noticing that everywhere I looked around there was bright beautiful sky, but looming overhead, was a dark cloud releasing all of it's pint up water on me. I kept looking thinking I must be seeing wrong, but there arching above the highways was a rainbow. Our reminder that He will be faithful to keep His promises. Yes, it was pouring on me, but I was confident that He would be faithful, even to "V", even now.

Then driving home from a friend's house (after crying to her of course) every road I went down was in the early process of being repaved. The top layer had been removed, making it quiet rough and vibrating my car. At one point I felt myself getting nauseous with all the jostling. But just then I hopped the line and was again driving on a smooth surface. Maybe I over-spritiualize things but it helps me make it through these days. My rough roads, "V's" rough roads, the family's rough roads will come to an end and some day soon we will be riding on smooth surfaces again. Someday.

So there's my little country song for you; mud, blazers, tears, rainbows, and rough roads. You've got the tune, I 've got the inspired lyrics.

Have a good one y'all.

A True Life Under Grace

2011-04-22T13:32:00.002-05:00

Today is Good Friday, a title that seems ironic, yet for those who have believed indeed know that it is good. I went to my first Christian Seder last night. I was told how somber it would be, how bitter everything would taste. I anticipated an evening of realizing the weight of my sin and wrestling with that all night. I am so glad that my expectations were wrong.

As Rick read in Hebrew and English, there were moments of seeing the great sacrifice made on my behalf by the innocent Lamb of God. There were moments of tasting such bitterness, symbolizing the consequential wrath for my sin that Jesus, the sinless Savior ate instead. There were also moments of realizing how unworthy I was to eat the matzo and drink the wine (grape juice) His body broken and poured out for me. There were all of these moments.

But, each of those moments were cut with the sweetness of what had been freely given, no one took His life, but He willingly laid it down so that sinners might be reconciled to God. At one point eating the powerful horseradish I felt the sting in my nose but then the sweetness of the apple mixture, the sweetness of Atonement. I will never have to feel the full the sting of death, the eternal separation from God, because Jesus had mercy and Atoned for me with His life and God accepted that Atonement as Dayeinu, enough. Now, by that payment and my acceptance of that Atonement, I, though I did nothing to earn it, though I don't always feel it, am made righteous and at the same time am being made righteous!

My friends, that is good news! Though, today, Good Friday, marks a colossal misjudgement in human history, it marks the greatest story of redemption ever told. Jesus, Son of God and Son of Man, innocent of all sin, was tried and unjustly convicted of things not one could prove. He was beaten, mocked, scourged, and nailed to a tree, bearing the weight of all our sin. Despised and rejected. Those He came to save, the very ones who hung Him there to die, watched on waiting for Him to save Himself. Instead, with the very few breaths He had left He asked for their forgiveness from the Father, experienced being forsaken by God, His Father, and committed Himself into His Father's hands breathing His last.

But dear friends spoiler alert: THAT'S NOT THE END for if it were, it would be just another sad story of some innocent guy unjustly killed.

They took Him off the cross, wrapped Him and laid Him in the tomb. The Jews didn't declare someone truly dead until after a certain time had passed. 2 days passed, the declaration was made that Jesus was for sure dead. But, on the third day they went to visit His tomb and He was not there! Christ, God Incarnate, had indeed risen from the dead and IS alive. Death seemed to have conquered but Life, Light, Jesus won. And by that victory, because of the defeat of sin by one man, all those who accept Him as Savior are also declared righteous, made right, and made victorious in Him.

So now, we are freed up to be Jesus to the world. We no longer have to worry about the sacrifices we have to make to be right with God, for there are none. The work is completed. Our sacrifice now, is to willingly, like Jesus, give our time, energy, resources, and efforts into furthering The Truth to those that do not know.

Friends, that is grace at it's finest. And that is why I rejoice in living this life under grace!

Coming Home

2011-04-17T22:13:00.000-05:00

I have a confession that will not be easy to make like most confessions. I have prided myself for years on not being "that" girl. Oh I've owned the crying, the emotions, the fragility, but this, this I have refused until recently. Dear friends, I've been watching Lifetime. Oh I know, I know!!!! I can feel your judgement. Can I just tell you it had an innocent beginning?

A favorite show of mine is How I Met Your Mother, despite the never ending story and the raunchiness of Barney I do really like it. I don't however have time to watch the new episodes so I just watch the reruns that of course air on Lifetime. Then one thing leads to another and that show is finished only then without my real attention moves on to another show. It started with Army Wives and has now moved on to Coming Home. I sit with a box of tissues watching the stories of these soldiers being reunited with their wives and children and my heart aches with them and rejoices for them. I'm a total sucker for it every time!

Sundays I usually forget that my show doesn't come on and I turn there and get caught up watching Coming Home. But recently, I have chosen to turn there knowing my show won't be on, anticipating even watching Coming Home followed by Army Wives. What has happened to me?!!! I've become a Lifetime girl.

But... maybe I can still say I'm not a Lifetime Original Movie girl...?

* I must side note that I have dear friends that are Lifetime fans. To that I say, to each her own, no judgement here.

Obsession

2011-04-10T22:28:00.000-05:00

Alright friends. As I've told you before I deactivated my Facebook account because I was slightly obsessive about it. I'm discovering I have an obsession with obsessions! You want to know what my new obsession is?

It's Pinterest! I cannot get enough of it. I'm either catching up on blogs, capturing those pictures I love and putting them on my boards or looking at other boards repining their genius. I'm hooked!

It's like when I was younger and I would cut out pictures of all my favorite things except so much easier since I can just point and click!

On one hand I hope you can check it out. On the other hand, for your sake, I'm hoping you don't have an easily obsessed personality, like moi.

Men and Marriage

2011-04-05T23:45:00.000-05:00

Just read this over at Boundless. Read it. Think about it. What are your thoughts?

Tid bits

2011-04-05T00:44:00.000-05:00

Bike riding in a skirt isn't all it's cracked up to be
Maybe not my most brilliant moment, but yesterday I rode my bike with a medium length skirt going against the wind. I don't know how they do it on t.v. but let me tell you, that's not how it goes and it indeed gets quiet awkward for oncoming traffic and my one handed attempt to maneuver my bike and skirt.

********** In searching for this picture I actually found that riding a bike with a skirt is not as uncommon as I thought. There are actually blogs and sites dedicated to it. Hmmm.**********

No Not One
I left with a Tupperware container full and returned home with it empty. Filled with what you ask. Well none other than these, which were a hit. I think they might be my "thing" now. Any who, not one little morsel was left. I L-O-V-E that!

I'm a big fan of the giddies.
You know that feeling in your stomach when you're on the breech of something so completely fantastic? The giddies. I got that feeling recently and am looking into a way to bottle it up so I can sniff it when feeling low. I love how we were really are so geniusly made that something that makes my heart skip a beat, my breath catch in my throat, my brain make a billion snap decisions in a millisecond, also effects my toes and tummy releasing a palm full of giddies that well up with in. Oh I love the giddies, but more so I love the moments that create those giddies.

{When Tails Are Tangled}

2011-04-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

I rode my new to me bike to the park today. I sat under a tree and watched the grass wave in the wild wind, birds flying despite the opposition, and squirrels and rabbits playing. It was peaceful. Exactly what I was needing. The twirling pedals up the hills allowed me to get out the anger and frustration gathered through the news of the day- yet again I did not get the job. I needed peace after my pedaling. As I sat there alone in the park I looked up and saw a Star Wars kite with Yoda plastered on it stuck in the branches of the tree, it's tail woven lightly in the sticks.

You know me and my metaphorical mind, I couldn't help but think that little kite was me. I have a purpose, a vision for myself and this waiting stuff, this being stuck up in a tree with my tail tangled in some branches is not what I envisioned. I imagined being foot loose and fancy free, dancing with the wind, and dipping but soaring above it all. I've got the d        down but the                g , well I'm not so much of a pro at that.
                                                  i                                         n
                                                   p                                      i
                                                    p                                    r
                                                     i                                   a
                                                      n                               o
                                                       g                             s

It's been a rough 3 years friends. I can say honestly that the disappointing news today frustrated me but it didn't destroy me. I tell you confidently that this strength is not of my own doing. In fact just moments before, at church, I had been completely broken, tears and all, about my lack of trust when God leads me through trials, my lack of stick-to-it-tiveness, my inclination to shout WHY to God. But here is the miraculous first thing that happened; I read the email, took a deep breath and asked God what now, what do you want to teach me in this time? !!!!!! Y'all that is victory! Cause if you know me, you know this is not my typical first instinct. It totally helps that the ink had not yet dried from my sermon notes and I got to put it into practice.

SO... another door closed, another opportunity for my heart to wallow and fear that the Lord has forgotten me but I will instead preach to myself what I know to be true. He has not forgotten me and is incapable of forgetting me. He has committed Himself to working out His purposes and righteousness in and through my life. And my responsibility now, then, and forever is to do good even when I feel devoid of all resources and abilities. Oh Lord may this be my heart's desire and my hand's actions in and through your power!

***************

But, did I tell y'all that I'm officially apart of this awesomeness and you should totally come and check out my boards! Very pinteresting isn't it?!

Also, quick side note, I deactivated my Facebook account 2 weeks ago. It has taken me the entire 2 weeks to stop thinking in status updates.--One of the best things I could have done for myself? Yep.

Open Book

2011-03-29T23:17:00.000-05:00

hmmm.... how do I say this? Have you ever wanted something so badly you could taste it? I mean, you've wanted this thing for a long time and tried your hand at grasping it every way but always came up short. Ya, me too. With what you ask? Well, with my weight. EEEKKKK! I shrink back and want to delete this just typing that, knowing that your eyes will read it.

So I tread cautiously on this water for fear of humiliation. But here's the truth, my body isn't hiding the fact that I'm overweight, it's out there everyday for the world to see. I suppose it's just difficult to say the words. To acknowledge my lack of self control. To admit that there is a problem. But I'm thinking.... maybe there's hope in this public acknowledgement. Maybe there's encouragement to be had. So.... what did I go and do?

I started another blog so you could follow along on my journey with me of course. I know some of you may be like what the what, this girl is blogging out of control. You may be right. But I know others will think this is completely expected, far more exposed then they would care to be but expected by me the alleged open book.

I'm gonna to go ahead and own that title with the start of this new blog if you don't mind. There's not much I keep hidden, which may be wrong or right but not the point of discussion. My struggle with weight is surely one of those things I keep hidden, specifically to those who don't know me, you know those of you around the globe that I've never met, that pop in every now and again (thanks so much btw, hope you are well).

Remember when I told you about Joel 2:25. Well, this is apart of that restoration. The new site is called My Delight Is In Her located at From Azubah To Hephzibah. Meaning I will no longer forsake myself but I will delight in me the way He delights in me, which means the freedom to truly pursue this goal I've wanted for so long.

So join me, check in, encourage, hold me accountable. See ya at the new site!

***********************************
So do you remember just 2 paragraphs above when I told you to remember when I told you about Joel 2:25? Well as I went looking to link up I realized I never told y'all about Joel 2:25. So here's the short of it. When I went on my church's retreat I sensed very clearly the Lord leading me to read Joel 2:25 (I was in the midst of a very difficult time forgiving a person from the past (that ghost I never told you about either).) I was completely comforted by those words, "I will restore the years the locust have eaten." As though the Lord was saying I'm beginning a work of complete restoration in you. It was a really sweet time and I have treasured those words since.

{...And More Snow}

2011-03-26T17:21:00.006-05:00

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bit peeved right now. It's March 26th and I've got Let it Snow in my head because well, it's snowing. Not just a few flurries, but actually snowing. Like 4 inches of snow and still going- snowing. I had my flip flops out, was packing away my wool coat and heavy scarves. I was ready for the new that Spring holds. The few days of Spring we had here in the Lou were producing so much hope in me I could explode. The feeling of being on the brink of something so exciting, so long waited for, so beautiful. Only to be snatched back into a time that, as appreciated as it was, I had mentally left.

The weather, for as topseeturvy as it's been, has also been a physical reminder of what my life feels like right now. The hope of better things to come dangling before me, but the seasons of the past not letting up. My walk in the rain yesterday was kind of perfect. It was the right amount of drizzle for how I was feeling. Just a touch sad, a touch thoughtful, and a bit angry. Stomping in puddles... kind of perfect for releasing anger. I know that's not typical Emo video style, as I was feeling, but I'm not Emo, so I figured it was ok. I wanted to dance, to sing, to cry, and yell. To thank God for all that He's given and yet cry out for all that's been deferred.

I instead kept walking, bouncing my hands to the beat, bobbing my head, listening to my It's Friday And I'm in Love genius playlist. And somehow in the course of my walk my shoulders eased and I hit a stride, my cares hovering above me waiting to float back down, but for then the weight was lifted. So today, as look out at the trees that had begun to blossom, now bending under the weight of the heavy snow I understand. And as I come to a breaking point I have to remind myself that someday it won't just be Spring in word only but I will see the fruit of Spring in my life.

*****************************

Ohhh... did I tell you I left Facebook? Feels a bit like what I think it would be like to give up any addiction. CRAZY!! Going on Day 4 of Facebooklessness. Catch up with me and the slow moving adventure over at Something New.

A Change of Perspective

2011-03-22T09:58:00.001-05:00

Dear Winter,
I must confess, I have not ~~always~~ ever thought the best of you. As I have grown older and you seem to have grown more bitter my perspective has changed. Or maybe it's better said that my perspective is changing. This has been a terrible season. The expected cold that bears down is not surprising, yet I'm saddened or even angry when it's here. Then there are the sometimes unbearable snows that bust in on my already dreary days debilitating me. And then pity of all pities you present these sweet rays of hope scattered throughout the season that one day you will be gone and brighter days will surely be around again, but then you dash those hopes when after those bright peeks the temperatures plummet.

I could focus on all of these things, but here's what I'm seeing more. I'm seeing that I need you. You come and kill things, which if stopped there seems so bleak. But you kill things so that new life can spring forth at the proper time. You burst in with your crazy snows providing the very sustaining water plants will need when the scorching heat of summer saps them. You bring a crispness to the oxygen my lungs crave like no other season does. I need you. I need you because I need to remember how great Spring and Autumn are. You build anticipation for the very season I long for. But here's something I've seen as well. You hold a beauty of your own. You are not just a bridge for me to get from lovely season to lovely season, but you actually are quite lovely.

Snow, glitter from the heavens, looks so beautiful fluttering down blanketing the ground. It's so dreamy when I look up at the old lamp posts and see the magic swirling. I love awaking to see the snow pulled taught across my yard, no footprints yet marring the canvas. I love bundling up and braving your cold to play in the fluff. The ice that is too treacherous to tread on is magnificent when dangling so delicately off branches reflecting the tiniest rays of light. I love your clear nights, soup, and hot chocolate. You are beautiful and I need you.

It's funny because as I've seen you in a new light, I've also seen the past 3 years and future differently. You are not just a season to get through, as this is not a season of my life to just get through. There is a beauty to be seen here and I am confident my eyes are opening to see that. My trials are too be expected, that's what He has promised. The burial under the weight of many a snow shower is a time to hunker down and rest, to save my energy for a season when I will need more than I have. And this waiting, these trials, will one day give some relief to a new season. A season that is maybe more favored but no more valuable. Every season has its issues. Spring is a little too rainy for my liking, Summer can be brutal, and Autumn can be so fickle. You've gotten a bad rap and I've contributed to it but I'm changing.

As Spring enters in I welcome it gladly, likewise as a new season of life for me seems to be on the brink I wait expectantly for it. I cherish the memories I made in my Winter and I anticipate a time when you will come around again, because you always do, He promised.

Growing to Appreciate Who You Are,
A Life Under Grace

Have you heard this song?

{Now That The Wait Is Over} A Wedding Story

2011-03-13T23:37:00.000-05:00

My best friend married yesterday. A day we waited and waited and waited and waited for. Finally it was here for her. It flew by but I was able to steal away moments in my mind that I will cherish forever.

On rehersal night we laughed about favorite memories we had together. We had the same favorite. When we were in high school we use to lay out on the trampoline in her backyard at night looking up at the stars, dreaming of our wedding days and talking about the boys we had crushes on at the time. Becky dated Mike in high school for a brief moment and I distinctly remember him being the topic of one of our trampoline talks. Who could have known, but the Lord, the plans He had of bringing them back together 12 years later. I love that!

I also loved seeing her so completely beautiful. I've heard people say that a woman will rarely look more beautiful than she does on her wedding day. She was stunning. We're talking magazine bride x10. At one point while taking pictures before the wedding we were all silenced as she stood in the shadows of an old church. She was breath taking. If she ever looks more beautiful than that moment it will be SICKENING!

As the doors opened for her grand entry I saw her face, burning red. She was losing it before everyone even stood to welcome her. Upon seeing her and the sweet uncontrollable release of all the emotion she had withheld, I too sobbed with my sister. There were few dry eyes in the church. And though we laughed about it, I'm positive I would have done the same were I her. I think of what my response will be when we, the Bride of Christ, will procede to our Groom, Jesus Christ himself, as that is indeed what the wedding ceremony is symbolic of. I imagine that her dear response walking down the aisle toward her love is a similar response that we will have walking towards our Love; so grateful, so overwhelmed with emotion, so glad the waiting is over.

I loved the proud father getting his line "Her mother and I do" right and standing proudly forgetting to give his daughter's hand to his soon to be son.

I adored the view I had. I know what Becky's face looked like in her vows to Mike, I've seen her face for 15 years, I could imagine. But I was looking straight at Mike. I saw the excitement, sincerity, happiness, and love in his eyes. I loved watching him make covenant promises to my sister that through God's grace he will uphold. I loved seeing him get choked up saying he would be her husband. It brought to tears to my eyes but comforted my heart to know that I was placing my dearest friend in the world in the hands of a man that is so honored to call himself her husband.

I laughed with the Best Man giving the pastor the box instead of just the ring.

I blushed when Becky, the girl who doesn't like attention, made out with her husband for the first time as Mrs. Crowell. I mean, there is something to be said about a woman who's proudly waited 29 years. HELLO!

I honored signing the marriage license as a witness to their union though the bride and groom forgot to sign them at all.

Sitting in the limo warming up, as the sun was going down, waiting for the newly married couple to finish up a few pictures I watched as they snuggled and posed against a tree near the river by the big gazebo. Completely perfect.

I treasured being bitterness free! Y'all know as a single lady there could be a tendancy even in the happiest of moments to feel the twinge of jealously, to be bitter, to ask why not me. But I tell you in all truth, I was completely elated for and with her. I wanted to celebrate like it was going out of style, because how often does your best friend get married! So I twirled my way into the reception hall and danced all night for the joy of my sister marrying her best friend.

I appreciated Mike's every hug and calling me his sister as it was reassurance for me that I wasn't being replaced but that we were growing.

I love that I didn't cry a drop during my speech because the microphone was shoved in my face and I had no time to get emotional.

And I enjoyed worshipping side by side Mr. and Mrs. Mike Crowell on Sunday morning as they began their marriage going to the very church I invited Becky to 15 years ago.

Can You Stand The Rain?

2011-03-03T23:08:00.000-06:00

Tonight I smelled the storm. You know that smell right before a good rain comes? The dirt stirred up by the whipping air. The dampness hanging overhead, waiting. It was great. I wanted to go for a walk, a jog, a skip, a gallop, anything to stay, to smell, to be outside waiting for the storm to come.

But I walked to my car. Because, well, my crazy life doesn't allow me the leisure to stand outside in parking lots dancing around like a mad person for as long as I want. My life hollers for me to run here, go there, do this, see them, stop here. So, I rolled the windows down, welcoming the organic warning of rain.

A friend reminded me recently that storms don't last forever. No storm does. Not even a storm that flooded the entire earth. Tonight, thinking of the storms that have rolled through my life and the one soon to be rolling through St. Louis I found hope.

It's strange to me that I so easily welcomed a storm that would bring down more tree limbs, sweep in more gray clouds, and potentially leave people without electricity again. But when it comes to storms in my life, I resist. I roll up the window, bunker down in my bed, and wait.Wouldn't it be great if I could put my face to my storms like I do for rain? If I could delight in my Lord even in a down pour?

There's still hope. I may not be there yet, but I'm thinking with 2 years of tornado weather in my life I'm not the same girl I was when it first began and surely won't be the same when it does eventually end. And I'm confident of this, some day these crazy weather patterns for my life will end.

Extraordinarily Plain

2011-03-02T22:56:00.000-06:00

Have you seen this commercial?

I haven't tasted the yogurt but just by the commercial alone, I'm sure it's awesome!

Thoughts on Greek yogurt. It seems to be pretty popular right now.

For Better or For Worse

2011-03-01T22:25:00.001-06:00

Happy March! Good news first.

Good news: It's March, which puts us one month closer to warm weather, flip flops, and bike riding. My Besty gets married in 11 days. Bambie is being released from the Disney vault.

Bad news: Farmer's Almanac says winter isn't over with unseasonable cold and significant snows still to come. Dear Mrs. Pulley passed today and yet the silver lining is she is with her Savior.

Losers Never Win

2011-03-01T10:00:00.000-06:00

I lost at a game on Sunday that doesn't have winners or losers. I played the game "Would You Rather" with God. Scary territory. I of course, being the headstrong lady I am, changed the rules and in all practicality the entire game. It became an "I Would Rather" passive aggressive fight with God. Who was I kidding?

As you know, if you've followed my little spot here for any amount of time, life has not looked like what I thought it should at any point in the past 3 years. God has not met my expectations. In moments of spiritual strength (only given by the Spirit) I can handle this. In moments of weakness (doing it in my own strength), well, I play foolish games like this.

So Sunday, to put God in His place for again disappointing me over the weekend, I skipped church. That would show Him! Thus the game began. I'd rather skip church (which I NEVER do) than to go and be with YOUR people. I'd rather do, fold, and put away laundry (which I DESPISE) than talk to you. I'd rather read this book I have no interest in than listen to you. Of course, our Gracious Father would only let this go so far and then He would break my arrogant, misinformed, calloused heart.

I found myself through out the day, having to mentally stop myself from praying because I couldn't possibly talk to The One I was angry with. Then, I ran out of mental strength. I couldn't stop what my natural inclination was. I wanted to talk to God. I wanted to take my tears to Him, so he could bottle them up. I wanted to vent and be restored.

I crumbled on my bed, sobbing in only words He could understand. Game Over, I lost. I aapologized profusely for being angry with one who has loved me so well, who has graciously provided all things, who has carried me. And bringing before Him my worries.

A friend had encouraged me the previous day to not hold bitterness in my heart towards God. I heard it, responded, but didn't think it applied to me. I wasn't bitter, I was just momentarily angry. Well, those moments doubled on each other and other frustrations I had with God were thrown into the mix and tada, there I was that very evening into Sunday morning FUMING with my Savior.

I hate that I responded this way and yet I'm encouraged that it was a very quick process. He did not let me linger in my anger too long, but instead pulled me out of my pit, bringing conviction, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.

These areas are still sensitive. I still have deferred hopes, unmet expectations, desires in waiting. But, I am continuously being reminded by Him of His commitment to me. No, He will not meet my every expectation, I am a finite thinker, compared to an infinite God. He will supersede my expectations every time. I need to be looking for the new things He is and wants to be doing in my life instead clinging mercilessly to my plans, my hopes, my expectations. He, indeed, is SO much bigger than I can begin to give Him credit for.

Just Another Manic Monday

2011-02-28T09:00:00.001-06:00

{Link Love}

I am completely fascinated with owls right now. You? Your kiddos?

I found this sweet little lunch box that any one of your daughters would love to carry with her and actually eat out of!

And how stinking cute are these little gift boxes!

Wouldn't you love these colorful tins in your chic kitchen!

Hope your Monday is a hoot! ;)

Out With A Bang

2011-02-27T23:19:00.001-06:00

Well, hello there winter. Aren't you going out with a bang?!

Right now as I write I'm listening to our local tornado sirens going off and watching the news. Just last week a random blast of snow after 70 degree weather, today multiple tornadoes and nasty storms.

Oh winter, you are so dramatic! Hope you all are safe and cozy in your homes tonight.

If seasons had a birth order what do you think they'd be? This year I'm taking winter as a first born or one of the middles.

Wanting What You Don't Have, When You Don't Know What You Want

2011-02-26T00:23:00.000-06:00

Tonight I drove home and was shocked to not see my houses lit up. My heart sulked a little bit because go figure, for all my griping, I actually liked seeing them. I wondered if these houses visited my corner here and saw my ugly post? Empty, dark streets now lay waiting for spring to shed some life. Sadly, this isn't the first time I've griped about something I wanted, then changed my mind realizing I wanted the very thing I complained about. Oh my...

{has this ever happened to you?}

2011-02-25T16:32:00.000-06:00

i'm thinking about starting a new little segment of my blog called "has this ever happened to you?" because my life is filled with things that i question happen to other people, so i need to confirm or deny this possible truth. so let's try it. i write it. you respond. and we'll see how this crazy thing goes!

having the innate desire to tell teenagers to put more clothes on when it's a blustery 35 degree day?
i have a way i like things in my shower, however, those i live with like to rearrange these things. i arrange them back only to find them in an instant rearranged. i had to laugh out loud in the bathroom by myself last night as i saw my again rearranged shampoo bottles.
showing a "human life" video as a substitute not quite knowing how to explain why a couple is "tangoing" and then boop they have a baby to 5th and 6th graders. true story.
eating that 1 too many chocolate only to feel sick moments later

anybody with me?

also, thinking about starting a seperate little blog called "yumin" (like the country Yemen but with 'yum') for all the awesome food stuff I find, cause well i don't know if food is really a major part of my 'life under grace'. i thought about play on words subtitles like 'o'man' for super yumin stuff and "ja-booty" for the healthier yumins. thoughts, questions, concerns? i'm open.

{Not in Elementary Anymore}

2011-02-22T21:24:00.000-06:00

Today I worked at a high school for the first time ever....
I'd like to share some things I observed that let me know I wasn't in an elementary school.

PDA icks I don't remember seeing all that in my day but my oh my
Sex Position "Trade Cards" Ummmmm..... reason number 1,328 why I want to home school
A girl who was either clinically insane or was SO doped up she was CrAzY!
Posters for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered after school club! Definitely not in elementary schools anymore.
Teachers cursing while teaching???? what the what!
students recording fights to then analyze with friends at a later date hmmmm.
I met a younger, more fashionable, more vulgar me now, back then! Confused? Let me explain. I think I'm becoming the person I saw myself as in high school or maybe that I wished myself to be. Whatever it is, I am she or at least becoming her. Today I met that me, except she IS in high school and has those same qualities I longed for myself then, but am developing now. I enjoyed just watching her interact with her classmates minus the outrageous mouth!

What a new found respect I have for you high school teachers. NO, NO that one is not for me!

I'm there!

2011-02-21T22:50:00.000-06:00

Can we just talk for a minute about how inappropriate it is for homes to still be lit up with Christmas lights. To not have taken them down, ok, I might be that person some day as well but to continuously be plugging them in every night. Come on now. I have a friend, who has purposely kept up their Christmas tree and will do so until March! Love it! All for it! It works in their house. And that's just the thing it's IN their house. There are two houses in my neighborhood alone that won't give it up. Maybe they're having a competition. But I'm a girl longing for spring, I don't need anymore reminders that we are not far removed from the Christmas season, which comes with lots of snow.

I think as obnoxious as it is, I'd rather live next to this house,(like my Besty does) glowing palm trees and all, just for the reminder that spring and summer are coming. A fake tropical oasis! Does it get any better? :)

Stuffed

2011-02-21T17:15:00.000-06:00

I wish I was talking about how stuffed I was after Chinese yesterday or how stuffed I was after Little Hills yumminess, but no, no I've just found THESE THINGS and my life will never be the same.

{Oh Bakerella}

2011-02-20T00:56:00.000-06:00

Oh and did I tell you all that I made these for Valentines Day and they were a big hit! So easy, so cute, and so yummy! Thanks to my trial BSFers! Glad you liked them.

happy month of love to you

Loves- Ang

How Sweet It Is!

2011-02-20T00:41:00.000-06:00

I just found 2 new blogs I am in LOVE with! Each had completely scrumptious desserts I'm itching to make. Keep an eye out for some yumminess possibly coming your way! Here are some pics to get your taste buds excited!

Uhhhh, can you say YUMS!

Lord knows I love sprinkles! So cute right?

Are you wishing you lived closer now?
Loves-Ang

Blast From The Past

2011-02-17T23:38:00.000-06:00

Today I had the privilege of working at a middle school, which is always fascinating for me. I love sitting in the cafeteria people watching. I know most people do this at malls, but since I typically hate malls and I especially hate middle schoolers in malls. I'll take what I can. There are still those same lunch tables that have some great divide among them, but now that I'm out of that phase it's harder to pinpoint who's who. Or maybe I just don't care, but as I tried to determine labels for each (judge me if you must) I did find the table with all Latino students, one with all African American boys, another with African American girls, the table with the "abnormally cute for middle schoolers", near a table of slightly punk couples. I giggled to myself of course, so glad that time does indeed move on. Problems that were so major then are put into perspective now.

Then the door I was standing in front of to make sure my student left was located in front of an awkward boys table. They themselves didn't seem that awkward, but middle school boys I just find to be goofily awkward. None the less, the "looking" began. I'm not a normal face in this school and it does not go unrecognized surprisingly for this age that tends to be so self involved. The insecure me began to wonder what they were looking at. I've had a cold and been blowing my nose like crazy, which is causing some dry skin and anxieties about "escapees". My mind was aflutter with all the wardrobe malfunctions there could be as some at the table began to whisper. Just as I was about to give them a piece of my I'm 28 years old and I don't care about your looks face a woman swept in front of me pleading for me to look at her butt to see if she sat in something. As I stared at this strange woman's pants she told me the story of how some girls at the table she was manning told her she had stuff on her butt as she walked away. I smiled as I saw nothing and reassured her of the nothing on her pants and was reassured of the nothing malfunctioning on me.

Later we had a tornado drill. My student who typically, I'm told, has no behavior issues, refused to sit and cover. His classmate did exactly as told in skinny jeans as are the trend. So skinny jeans and all this other student sat and covered her head, which uncovered her bottom. Oh the many issues with skinny jeans. So I asked my student to sit again. He said, "I can't my jeans are too tight." I tried to compel him to try. Looking down at his classmate and her skinny jean butt issue he looked back at me and simply shook his head as though to say, I'm not gonna show off my butt like that!

I couldn't blame him. Because the truth I came to today was that I do care. It's not an all consuming, nerve racking, anxiety producing care. But it's there. And I think it's good. Well, I know it's good. It's the very thing that wills me to shower ~~most~~ every morning, to check my zipper, to gently graze my nose, to chew gum or have a mint after lunch, or to tug at my shirt during a tornado drill. I cared in middle school. I care now. And I'm ok with that. ;)

Spring Sunsets

2011-02-15T22:35:00.000-06:00

Here in St. Louis the weather has been AMAZING. Each day filled with blue skys, singing birds, running athletes, and the hope of spring. I hope that you have had the divine privilege of expereincing this in the throws of February. I'm glad February has something going for it, the month for lovers, because what month wants to be known for bleak, depressive, and oppresive for those that struggle with seasonal depression. I'm so grateful that right here on February 15th I can tell you about the beautiful sunset I saw tonight.

I was leaving a friend's house at 5:49 and it wasn't pitch black! Amazing number 1. Then as I was driving, the pink haze really did make the city look rosier. Amazing number 2. But then as the highway raised to the sky for a moment I was able to look and see that just above the tops of the trees the sun was setting. This was no typical winter sunset that always seems to be lacking or non exisistant. This sunset was filled with the beautiful pinks and oranges, soft blues and hazy purples of spring. The colors I long to see in the bleak mid winter. I'm so glad that somehow the Lord has equppied our eyes and mind to multitask, because I was mesmorized by this stunning picture yet HULLO I was driving 60mph (or a few more) on the part of the highway that stretches far above the rest leaving one wrong move for me to go plumeting to my death! None the less, my eyes got to behold this lovely sight, and my spirit for spring was revived. Just a bit more and we'll be there. Amazing numbers 3, 4, & 5.

The Sweet Life

2011-02-14T00:34:00.000-06:00

This weekend was filled with lots of needed fun and friends. Friday of course my beloved BSF with a yummy trip to Apple Bee's to chow down on wanton tacos! Haven't had them? You must! Then home early to finish a paper for class and to bed for a packed Saturday.

However, when I woke up Saturday, my throat was achy, my nose was stuffed, and my ears were itching insanely! NOOOOO! It's supposed to be so beautiful this weekend but my head will be all foggy with sickness. I refused to let that stop me though. So to Brunch O' Love I went. I'm so glad I did, because it was truly lovely. From the sweet decor, to the great friends, the yummy snacks, and the sweet favors being a white rose and a ribbon rose pin. All things girly and love filled. It did my heart good.

With no time to waste I galloped over to The Bride's to prepare for the lingerie shower. A relaxing event filled with all the shades of red faces can go. From the innocent to the border raunchy. I was glad it was not me opening my intimates in front of everyone. A fun game of naming the gifts left me rolling on the floor in laughter. "Granny No Panties" I laugh just thinking about it.

And then the event planned a year in advance, Janelle's 30th birthday party. With signs pointing the way to various fun events in the house there was no way to lament the passing of the 20's. For the first time, maybe ever, 30 looked appealing for a spunky single girl in St. Louis! F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!

With my foggy head finally hitting the pillow around 1 I thought about the events of the day. The beautiful weather, the windows down, the laughter of friends. I live a great life. Most of it completely unexpected.

On Saturday, in the midst of my gallivanting, I ran across 2 dogs, tongues out and face to the wind enjoying the ride in the front seat of the car. In times like these, when I'm immensely thankful for my sweet life, I fancy that's what I look like. Just maybe not with my tongue out. ;)

What sweetness are you thankful for this Valentine's Day?

I've Got A Feeling

2011-02-10T22:52:00.000-06:00

This morning I walked out of my house to be completely blinded by the sun beaming off the ice still coating the yards. I was slapped in the chest from the cool of the air in my lungs. Strangely the first thought that came to my mind was, I wonder if this is what heaven is going to be like? Not bitterly cold and blindingly bright. But will the glory of the Lord be that kind of brilliance? Will my eyes squint and squirm trying to make sense of what they are perceiving? Trying to see so as to take a step. Will my breath catch in my throat as I am struck with His presence? Will it be refreshing and somehow overwhelming to stand right before Him?

At this very moment I just watched a short news clip about RFID chips being embedded in credit cards, passports, and pet's ears which reminds me of what I've been told end days will be like. Only instilling the thought that maybe my faith will be my eyes relatively soon.

But until then let's laugh. Here's this great band that a friend showed me today because she knows that I'm in a bluegrass kick yet I likey the pop! Enjoy!

I Forgot I Loved

2011-02-08T22:11:00.001-06:00

Tonight I watched a rerun of The Office. Which one you ask. Well, of course the one where Jim and Pam get married. And the totally unexpected song that makes my heart throb when I hear it, just from this TV show moment. So, I just wanted to share it with you again, so you could have a "remember when" moment with fictional characters and me.

My Spiral

2011-02-08T00:05:00.000-06:00

The other day I was asked to come up with a number between 1 and 255. I chose 133. I don't know why, I just did. I, in my analytical mind, continue to question why 133. Strange that I would question and not just move on with life I know, but I am who I am. So, like my FAVE movie, You've Got Mail, I'm coming up with reasons I would have subconsciously chosen 133.

Thus follows my downward spiral thought pattern:

Tonight, driving home, the number popped in my head again. Maybe 1 exciting event is going to happen when I'm 33.
Wow I'm going to be 33 in 5 years.
Oh my, in 12 years I'm going to be 40. (Here panic sets in.)
Oh Lord please let me move out of my parents house by the time I'm 40. Oh who are we kidding, by the time I'm 33,...but really 29.
I'm going to be single forever.
Depressed eye glaze.

All within moments while driving after an encouraging lecture and fellowship time. Sometimes it is a slow fade down the slippery slope of pity. Other times it's taking the unexpected entrance ramp and going 0 to 133 in 60 seconds.

Guilty Pleasures

2011-02-06T23:22:00.002-06:00

The movie I refuse to see. But the song, the song makes me smile and pretend that I'm 14 again dancing to my most recent heart throb!

Does this make me a Bielber?

And I chose to watch Pretty Woman instead of watching my favorite NFL team the Packers!
On one hand I'm glad I missed Christina's big flop. On the other, I missed the big win. Ah, well. I watched a small portion and halftime. No need for regrets!

LOVE AND ALL THAT

2011-02-03T22:30:00.000-06:00

Happy February, the month for Lovers.....

I know I'm single. I know Valentine's Day has more hype than what it's worth. I know single women around the world ignore the fact that this day exists or bitterly throw something resembling a funeral to celebrate. I know. BUT, I love love. I love celebrating love. I love seeing others in love and not the I can't keep my hands off of you or I'm hopeless when I'm not near you love, but real true, I care about you as a human being and treasure your friendship love. I love dreaming of myself in love. And I love that there is a month dedicated to the celebration of love. How could you not when there are such awesome things like this

yummy red velvet cake from I'm A Baker.

Or these sweet displays that I'm going to do some version of by Julie.

And what about these totally delicious M&M's by Whipperberry that are somehow cuter because they're pink and gray and in my fave coffee drink bottles!

A day for lovers indeed! Here's the great thing, I may not have a lover but I am a lover. I love all sorts of things but more importantly I love so many amazing people. And though I myself am spending another Valentine's season single, I love and I will celebrate the whole month away loving every minute of it!

Snowed In

2011-02-02T18:01:00.001-06:00

Not as bad as expected but bunkered down in the house none the less. Well, not my house but my dear friends Kate and Emily's apartment. In the foreknowledge of the coming snow storm there was some fun to be had with friends, so we decided to have a slumber party! What better way to spend a "blizzard"?

Night 1- An awesome game of Phase 10 where I won for the first time ever!

Day 1- A little reading, a lot of dancing -belly and wii, painting the nails, tortilla pizzas- a new favorite, and for dinner steak, potatoes, and corn! Yums!

Day2- A little reading, salsa dancing, treking through the snow and then playing- sliding, snowball toss, and the building of our lovely snowman, Edward.

Hope you are enjoying your snow!

January 30th

2011-01-30T21:29:00.000-06:00

Tonight as I sat in a cozy home, listening to the silence of 2 sleeping little boys, outside my windows came the boom of fireworks. At first, I thought they were gun shots but they were so rapid my mind leaped with the excitement that it just might be my favorite! Yes! FIREWORKS! Beautiful ones, lighting up the sky in an array of color. Annie laid on the couch as though it's everyday someone paints the sky with these vibrant dots of color. Or that it's everyday someone interrupts your peaceful evening with booming brilliance. Well, Annie, that may be your life, but it surely isn't mine.

My life, at this point, is forecasted to have 12in. of snow with a sweet little bit of ice before hand. Blah. I'm ready for spring and summer. I'm ready for picnics and flip flops, for flowers, and outdoor concerts. I'm ready for bike rides and long walks, and the hope of a budding romance. I've enjoyed this winter for all of it's snow and mess. It's been unusually bright and cheery in the sky this year. But I'm so ready for NEW. New grass, new hopes, a clean car,and new peek-a-boo shoes.

So, to whoever you were, celebrating January 30th like it was the last day on earth, thanks for sparking a little hope in my heart for spring and summer, love, and all things beautiful.

I hope that as these last storms of winter blow through we can enjoy them with the expectation that new is just around the river bend.

Puzzled

2011-01-27T17:25:00.000-06:00

I've recently been into puzzles. Probably because everything else in my life seems like it is in little pieces. Something to be figured out and pieced together to make sense.

Just yesterday I finished the puzzle I was working on. A sweet little country scene with a farm house, red barn, wooden fence, lots of trees, and a winding road that vanishes off the edge. As I finished this little 500 piece jigsaw I sat back, hesitating to put in that last piece. I hate looking at it incomplete. Yet couldn't bear the thought that once this piece was in, my days of figuring it out were through.

Begrudgingly I put the piece in. There it was. The reward for my hard work. Completed, so small, and yet as I was going through it there were times I just had to put the pieces down, take a step back, and reorient myself. I often thought, oh surely the puzzle maker messed up, they must have cut this piece wrong, I know it goes here. Not once though was a piece cut wrong. I would make it fit somewhere, looking slightly askew but averting my eyes so I wouldn't have to deal with it. In the end though, every piece found it's home, it's fit, and the picture was made complete and just as the puzzle maker had intended.

When I finished there was this desire in me to rip it all apart and start over, the way sometimes after I finish reading a good book I want to start back at the beginning and read it all over again right then. But ick, not with all those grassy, tree limb pieces. Then a thought occurred to me. I can't say it's the smartest thing but it was just my next thought. I could flip it over, number the pieces, break it apart and then put it together again, just using the numbers.

As I thought about that idea I realized how silly that would be. The fun of doing a puzzle isn't in simply placing pieces together in a number order. The fun of doing a puzzle is the shifting, the searching, the twisting, the matching. That's the fun!

I realize there are many things in this writing, as I look back over it, that could be compared to the spiritual journey but this is what stuck out to me most. This last thought.

Life is hard. There are pieces that seem to have no place in my picture. Pieces whose corners seem to need a bit of a trimming. Pieces that seem to be missing or scattered on the floor. But this, this is my life. Random pieces and all! God could have given me each piece numbered on the back so that it was easy to figure out but He hasn't. He has given some pieces and reserved others and asks that I would trust Him in developing a beautiful picture. And that is half the fun. No, it surely doesn't seem like fun when pieces can't be used when I want them to, when they don't fit, when I steal a piece from a friends puzzle to compensate for my seeming lack of a piece. But the fun is slowly watching this picture take shape, to begin to make a little sense, to see how all of these little pieces actually do fit together to create something meaningful and meant for His glory.

So yes, I'm often puzzled staring at these pieces He has given, but I'm also amazed as I see Him taking my pieces, placing them in spots I didn't see and creating in me something spectacular!

Post 100

2011-01-25T10:36:00.001-06:00

So yesterday was just one of those opps days. Where all I can say to any given thing is oops!

I called my Alderman (woman) to take care of my $1401 tickets. To find out out that indeed 789.0 and 612.0 are the ordinances I violated, not the ticket amounts. Oops!
I called to make sure I still had a job with Special School District and because I had never called to unblock my number for them I wasn't receiving any jobs. Oops!
I went to Clayton to register my car a year late. Oops!
I paid to park at the wrong building. Oops.
In getting in and out of my car I ripped my tights at the butt, which led to what you could imagine as butt-less tights. (so sad and embarrassing but true.) Oops!
I wore ear rings that sounded like wind chimes in my ears on a night where I need to be able to hear other people speaking. Oops!

Yes, a day filled with "oops" but it was a great day! Hope your Tuesday is great one!

I’m baking my cookies and eating them too.

2011-01-22T14:45:00.000-06:00

1/20/11

Today the snow fell in droves. Not the gentle kind I’ve been used to seeing in recent years. An inch an hour. I’ll repeat it for dramatic affect, AN INCH AN HOUR! And it snowed for let’s say 9 hours. Cars covered, roads vanished, yards blinding white, and kids blissfully doing flips into 9 inch snow piles.

I personally like to let the sun do a little grunt work before I clean off what’s left on and around my car, but with 9 inches, the sun was even having a difficult time. I spent my day inside, cuddled up in my pj’s, unshowered and loving it. I prayed. I read. I worked on a puzzle. I did my nails. I watched The Doctors. I loved this day!

I’ve been convicted lately about my nonexistent daily prayer routine. I am a haphazard prayer. Things pop into my mind and I’ll pray for them, but I’m awful at setting aside daily time with my Savior to really pray. So, it has been my goal this week to get a routine going with this and I have to say it’s been great! I’ve been taking things to God that I usually try to handle on my own. I’ve been praying for others. I’ve been praying for those people of whom I’ve said I’ll pray for! WHAT! Actually doing what I’d said I’d do. Miraculous! And I really do mean miraculous!

So it was a miracle today when I finally did make it into regular clothes to go clean off my car and found a ticket nestled in the 9 inches piled on that I didn’t lose it!

Since I’ve been driving, 12 years now, I’ve parked my car in a spot in front of my parent’s house. It’s specially paved, not part of the road, but indeed part of our yard spot. Clearly marked in front of my spot is a sign that says No Parking This Side of Street. Great! I’m a law abiding citizen, good thing I’m parking on my yard spot and not the road. 12 YEARS I’ve been doing this. So today when I got a ticket in the amount of $789.00 for parking on the street during snow I was totally confused. This isn’t the street. This is my yard spot. Then reading further, I saw that I indeed had another ticket for $612.00 for parking on “unimproved surface- ‘No Parking This Side of Street’”. First I’m thinking he meant unapproved, but I digress. I know that sign. I live by that sign. I obey that sign! I PARK IN MY YARD SPOT!

If you aren’t so hot in math, or don’t care enough to count it, I’ll just tell you that is $1401 that I will refer to as $1,40 and 1 in tickets in one day for a car I wasn’t even driving!!!!!!!

1-4-0-1

That 1 dollar mocked me as I stood out in the cold reading my list of violations, snow seeping into my, not so equipped to handle 9 inches of snow, snow boots. For a woman who just quit her job and is hanging on for a paycheck just to pay her basic necessity bills, $140 and 1 is a slap in the face and would typically make one spit out some vulgarity fitting for the situation.

12 years. 12 years and not one ticket, not one warning, nothing and then BAM! $140 and 1!

So I cleaned off my car and shoveled thinking the whole time about ~~how I wished I had a husband who would shovel with me and speak up for me during my COURT DATE!!!!~~ what I would say while in front of the judge pleading my case. The tears that would inevitably come, because… well, I’m me. Did I need a lawyer? How do I go about getting a lawyer? How would I pay for that? Would I go to jail if I said all the things I really wanted to say to this police officer? Would they be able to go back in the records to see that they were indeed the ones that made us pave the yard spot so we could park there? Would I need evidence?

But in the midst of my racing, panicked mind, came that small voice. A small voice that led me to laugh, instead of cry, to shovel instead of pout, and to move my car to the deep back of our driveway instead of keeping it there in stubborn rebellion.

I was disappointed when I asked my mom what I was supposed to do and she said pray. PRAY! Well duh, but what do I DO?! I wanted to yell. The truth is she couldn’t have been more right. $1,40 and 1 is an insurmountable amount of money to me at this point in my life. Totally and completely impossible! B-U-T, through Hezekiah I have learned that He wants me to lay it all out before Him. To humble myself before Him. To show Him the odds stacked against me, so that He in His miraculous-ness could do just as huge a miracle as taking one who has no prayer life and giving her a rich and vibrant week of prayer to providing a mere $1,40 and 1.

So, instead of fretting over my court date, March 2nd @6:30, I’m laying out my tickets to God and asking Him to provide like only He can. I’m also making cookies and eating them too, cause you know, what’s a girl to do!

Catch Up

2011-01-18T14:26:00.000-06:00

Welcome to 2011! It has made a spectacular entrance or maybe 2010 made a splendid exit. It all got pretty messy there in between. None the less. Hullo! I'm happy to tell you I'm still alive. At points in the past few weeks I've been M.I.A. from here I've felt as though I were going to die, I am here to tell you I didn't. Good news right!

I feel the need to play another quick game of catch up, both to clear things up for you of where I've been and to show me exactly what the Lord has brought me through.

So a recap of 2010 crazies:
still living with parents
lost a job
got a job
lost a job again
got a real job offer
lost the offer
got a permanent sub job
got a permanent teaching job
quit sub job
4 days later quit the teaching job
went back to subbing
met an ex-girlfriend of my ex-fiance
slightly devastated by this news because they were dating during the awkward engagement
got a message from the ex, wanting to reconcile, deleted
And moved on
Started BSF (Bible Study Fellowship)
Became a leader of BSF
Am thriving in BSF
Best friend got engaged
A thousand other friends got engaged
A million more got pregnant
Lots of highs
lots of lows
Became friends with some of the best people ever!

Enter 2011
delighting in new friendships
continuing to hope
and wait
and trust
and wait....

So that seems to be the big and small of it. I'm sure my life has been riddled with the little moments in between that make life worth living, but those I get to live with those dearest to me! So here's wishing you and yours a blessed, refreshing, and exciting new year!

He Remains.

2010-12-29T11:36:00.000-06:00

I had to make a relatively long drive today over to north county from the city. It's a dreary day today. It's not 30 degrees which is great but it is somewhere around 40 and drizzly. This type of weather always puts me in a contemplative mood. With the radio tuned in to Joy FM (yes, I listen to christian radio which has apparently become taboo in the trendy christian circles. Opps.) there was song after song that badgered my heart.

I've written before how every break tends to leave me a little less spiritual and a lot more lazy. This break has not been that way, by God's grace. I've been productive. Busy making plans for my future classroom, organizing, visiting with friends, doing the "farm" chores. It's been great. But, even in the midst of my finding time to still meet with the Lord, I've found my heart still on vacation, somewhere far off and removed. So, I've been reading the word without a real connection to it. Some people can do that, have the Bible be merely a factual story, no need for emotion. I, however, am NOT one of those people.

I'm moved by scripture. I'm thrilled to connect it to my life. And though painful, I'm joyful of the conviction it brings. This far removed me, could just as easily be reading a book in all Mandarin ( a language I don't speak) and have the same reactions.

So today as I drove, there was a continuous stream of songs convicting my heart and tearing down the little walls that had already begun to build after a week of vacation. Songs reminding me that I am not who I once was, that God is making me and all things new. Songs reiterating that He, Immanuel, has cast my sins as far as the east is from the west. "I don't have to see the man I've been rising up in me again." And songs declaring that it's not me doing the work, but because God is with us I can sing.

On this dreary day, I found my eyes even more clouded with tears and a heart softened as these reminders sunk deep into the dry places. Amen! He does not abandon the works of His hands. And though I am so faithless, He remains ever true, ever faithful, ever good.

So enjoy a little diddy that struck this hard heart today.

{Happy Christmas}

2010-12-25T11:37:00.000-06:00

What a beautiful Christmas morning. Snow covered ground, the pitter patter of little feet next door, Livia snoozing upstairs, Maizy lounging by my side, and peaceful thoughts lingering in my bed. It's a good day.

My heart was burdened yesterday with thoughts of those who would be spending Christmas alone, in the absence of someone, or in the void of having no one. I'm house sitting a mere few minutes drive from my own home, where it's bustling with Christmas cheer. I choose to hang over here, with Maizy, in the quiet (and endless NetFlix). But my thoughts continue to go to those who are lonely these days.

I pray, that on this day, you know the hope that was brought to US in the form of a baby, the reason we even celebrate. I pray that in the midst of your loneliness the Messiah, Jesus Christ, meets you and gives you peace. He knows our need and to our weakness is no stranger. I can say this with the utmost confidence because I have been met by Him in my lowly estate. He is called Emmanuel, God with us. He is with you dear one! I pray that this truth brings your heart great comfort today, in the midst of your loss, in the midst of your pain, in the midst of your sorrow, in the midst of your lack. God is with you.

Yes, it is a truth of long ago, but it remains true today. God is still with us. God still sees. And He is still deeply concerned. When you feel like no one sees you in the midst of your despair, please know that He does. And it is through this one that we call Prince of Peace, who didn't stay a baby but grew to die for the sins of a wayward people, that we ourselves can be reconciled to God, brought into eternal peace with God Himself!

My friends, that is good news. That is reason to rejoice. Yes, rejoice! Even in your loneliness, in your despair, in your grief. Because we who were once far off, have now been brought near. We who were enemies are now called sons and daughters of The Most High God! So though you suffer now for a little while, if your trust is in Him alone, it will not last forever. This is a promise from Our Great God that we can take to the bank!

Have a Happy Christmas, because Christ, Our King has come!

Reflections of a 28 year old

2010-12-23T21:14:00.000-06:00

December 19th was my 28th birthday. I don't remember as a teenager ever thinking about what 28 would look like for me. 25?yes. 30? yes But never 28. I'm sure at some point when I was 18 I thought in 10 years I would be 28 and shrinked at the thought. But here we are, 10 years later.

I had never had a birthday party. With it being so close to Christmas there just wasn't ever a good time for a party. I had dinners. I had presents. I had songs. But never a party, for me, with all my friends. (If you remember me having a party please let me know. I even asked my mom, who also didn't recall me ever having a party.) But this year, this completion of the 28th year of my life, some dear friends decided to throw me a party!

I loved every bit of it. From the decor, to the food, to the gifts, to the worlds colliding, to the laughter and singing! Perfect! I could not have asked for a better introduction into my 29th year of life. To make up for the birthday parties that I lacked my dear friends sang to me 28 times, each time just a little different. I felt completely and totally loved.

(Kate on the air mandolin)

(Emily on the air guitar)

Considering that 25 was not what I thought it would be like. 28 surely is nothing I expected either. According to the plan I made in high school, for some future planning class, by 28 I would have been married for 3 or 4 years working on baby 2, being a stay at home mom in my sweet little subdivision. Oh how reality hits when I think about that plan. Because the reality is, I'm 28, with a short string of failed relationships, living with my parents, and entering a job that holds inevitable chaos.

And when looked at through that lens alone, it could seem pretty bleak. It could seem really disappointing. It could seem like failure. But here's what I also didn't plan. I didn't plan on finding such amazing friendships that feel more like family. I didn't plan on going to the deepest pit of despair only to be met by My Savior holding me up so that I would not fall. I didn't plan on loving HIM more than anything else in life. I didn't plan on being apart of such an astounding community of believers that challenge me along the journey. I also didn't plan on learning from each heartbreak, healing from each wound, growing from each set back. And I surely didn't plan on teaching a classroom of 27 kiddos that aren't my own.

But this, this is the adventure! This is the discovering who I am, who He is making me to be! This waiting (today :) ) is the fun part. When those things that I planned so meticulously for eventually come about, Lord willing, I will, in some respect know what's next. Marriage, a home, kids, missions, grandkids,.... there's a pattern. But this, this not knowing, this unplanned time; as heart wrenching as it is when another friend gets married or has a child or any other barrage of things I desire, it's also exciting because who knows what's next. It could literally be anything!

Tonight at a sisters reunion a friend told the story of an elderly woman who had recently become a widow. She said that this woman no longer knew who she was if she wasn't this man's wife. I couldn't help but find a small sense of hope in that. That by being single these 28 years, I am discovering who I am apart from someone else.

So, at 28, I'm choosing not to look at all I don't have. I'm instead looking at all the Lord has blessed me with and anticipating the excitement that is yet to come!

I Will Yet Praise Him

2010-12-09T19:25:00.001-06:00

"I will yet praise Him. My Great Redeemer. I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life. He takes my darkness and He turns it into light. I will yet praise Him, My Lord, My God."

When I think about this blog I think about the people who read it. The way they might interpret my words because they do not hear my voice. I think of the honesty I try to portray here. And yet, I often hold back, only sharing the good. Only sharing that with which I have already processed and feel free to now share with others.

Tonight though, heavy hearted, yet longing to praise Him, I want to be transparent, even in the midst of the hurt, frustration, and pain. Why you ask? Why put all of that out there for the world to read? Well, because I want to praise Him. I want to give Him glory with my life. And this happens to be an avenue that He has allowed me to enter into, that I enjoy and that in some miraculous way transforms the mundane in my life to share the truth of a life lived in the Light of Him.

As many of you know I have recently accepted a job teaching 3rd grade. Teaching:: a battle that I have fought against for a few years. The idea of stepping into this class of 27 students in
January was thrilling both in a bad way and a good way. Immediately anxieties arose of capabilities, insecurities, and failures. At the same time though there were also true feelings of joy! Joy for teaching. Something I had not experienced in 2 years. There was a sense of caving. This wall I'd held against teaching was crumbling and I was entering a new chapter of excitement and anticipation over a career I had quit on.

In the days that followed my accepting the job, there was much joy and celebration as there should have been, given that we (new community and old) had been praying for this for nearly 2 years. I was hesitant. Skiddish, if you will. There have been way too many disappointments, broken promises, reneges, for me to take the bit and run with it, so I maintained some semblance of composure. Not allowing myself to fully rejoice, believing somehow that the bottom would drop, as it had in the past.

Today, Thursday, was the day. The day I could walk away, smiling, shouting, celebrating completely AFTER I signed the contract. This one little piece of paper. This one black line.

Finding parking in construction filled downtown St. Louis is kind of a witch~! None the less, I found a spot, blocks away from my actual destination, with a few scratches in the process. Meter filled. Bags remaining in the car hidden. I walked through cold air. Through the smoke spewing up from the man hole (there was no way of avoiding it). Into this building to sign in and sit. "Where did you park?" She must of smelled me. Darn man hole! "We validate parking, where did you park?" "You might as well go move your car to the parking lot because you have time. Get the ticket and we can validate it."

So I march myself right back out the door. Why bother sitting looking at the wall waiting for Mrs. H, when she's going to be awhile anyway and risk getting a ticket because my meter expired? Back over the man hole. Down several one way streets and there I arrived in a parking lot filled with endless reserved spots and few free ones. Parked. Got into the pee stained elevator. Back into the cold. Ughggg I hate the cold.

Staring at the wall, I was called in to wait more on Mrs. H. "Fill out this paper work." I kind of pride myself on doing what I'm told. So, in a quite room I sat filling out my paper work. Seemingly giving the same information a thousand times only in a different format. Race: other. I hate checking other. But I've been told to refile a sheet for checking both black and white, so I do what I'm told and check other. SSN, Phone, address. Over and over.

Then I come to a sheet that has many words all saying the same thing reworded each time. You will not be employed as a teacher with SLPS if you are not certified. Interesting. I thought to myself. I myself am no longer certified, yet here I am, signing a contract, reading about my soon to be benefits as a teacher with SLPS. Question mark. Place it opposite so I know to ask Mrs. H when she comes in. Where was she anyway?

I had a moment right then of dread. Thinking ugh oh, maybe things aren't going to work out. But I shook them off trying to Perky Patty but Debbie Downer was yelling her head off in the back of my mind. Dang it Debbie! Let me enjoy this.

Finally Mrs. H comes in, destroying the system I had going of the sheets I had questions about. Strike 1. Then she asks me a question and cuts me off before I can answer to tell me this isn't orientation, but I will have to come back another day for that. Strike 2. She was a tornado. I was a Sunday afternoon. Obviously a busy day for Mrs. H. I then bring up the sheet I had placed aside. "Ummm, I told Mrs. C and it's on my application that I am no longer certified. I'm lacking 15 hours of professional development. Is this a problem?"

Mrs. H: "We can't hire you as a teacher if you aren't certified."

Strike 3,4, 5, 6, 7, 8! Why would she offer me a job, congratulate me, and tell me my salary if I could not work for them! Debbie Downer snickers. I maintain my composure. She tells me they can hire me as permanent sub. Gives me back all my disheveled paper work. Tells me I can look over the benefits, though as sub I will not have them (no joke!). And excuses herself.

That's it. Done. Mrs. H, the tornado, leaves me completely destroyed, but walks away as though she has told me the weather is fine. "They can validate your parking out front." She hollers behind her.

Can you validate me?! I want to yell back at her.

This has been a long process. These endless days of seeking something permanent or feeling unvalidated. These hopes dashed and plans thwarted. "Has she not been humbled enough!", a friend prays.

O Lord! Help me to praise you. All I want to do is cry out HOW LONG OH LORD! HOW LONG! How long will my tears be my food both day and night? How long will my hearts desires be deferred?

Though no direct time answers me. Though no apology whispers in my ear. I am reminded of this song, "I will yet praise Him." I am led to these scriptures:

Isaiah 42:1- 3, 5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior.

Fear not, for I am with you."

Though written years ago, they bring truth and comfort to me today. I pray that God is exalted, I am humbled, and in whatever He leads me to He is glorified in my every reaction.

Middle School

2010-12-08T13:09:00.000-06:00

The difference between being in middle school and teaching in middle school:

1. When falling up the stairs, like I did today, I don't fall nearly as graceful and the pain lasts a lot longer.

2. The kids walking by don't point, stare, and laugh. They do however gasp, rush to your side, and ask if you are ok.

I'm still limping around hours later, complaining of muscle aches, headaches, and laughing at my own clumsiness. But I am so very grateful that the humiliation doesn't last as long as it did when I was 13 and that I've finally learned to laugh at myself.

Hope you have a great day!

#70

2010-11-29T23:17:00.001-06:00

I met and took a picture with a celebrity and her family! Check out my progress over at Something New!

Pictures to come!

************************************************************************
Pictures are here! Check them out at Something New!

That Love and Hate Tension

2010-11-28T18:26:00.000-06:00

I don't know about you but I thrive off of schedules, consistency, structure. I like it. It keeps me balanced and it keeps me taking my vitamins. 5 days of vacation has thrown off my schedule and therefore my life! I am ready for structure again.

It's funny, because I know I just complained that I need a break, life is too crazy, I am too busy, yet here I am complaining about vacation! Ugh! I know.

Here's where I find myself though. I may not like my busy schedule, but I get things done when I have things to do. When I have nothing to do a whole lot of nothing gets done. I hate feeling lazy! I hate being on Facebook for hours on end, neglecting my bible study, watching Netflix for days, eating unhealthy things, being sluggish because the practice of vitamin taking has gone out the window. Hate it! Which I suppose is a good thing.

But as I told a friend today, I found relaxation this week turning into laziness, minutes turning into hours, and joy turning into GRUMPINESS as I thought of all the things I should have/ could have done! Too much of a good thing if you will.

So, I've decided that over the Christmas break I'll be making a schedule for each day. Not anything that is super binding, just something that will keep me focused, motivated, and not feeling sluggish. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving I am thankful for rest but I am also thankful for schedules and good habits and this life of mine that keeps me ever running!

He Sets The Lonely In Families

2010-11-27T21:54:00.001-06:00

Hello there! I hope this Thanksgiving found you plenty thankful and endlessly counting your blessings. I know it did for me.

This has been an intense year. Coming to the end of ropes and finding grace to keep going, hopes continuously deferred, plans set to the side on a regular basis to follow that which God has called me to. Intense is the word I find. And yet blessed is what I feel.

I have known in the past year the depths God will go with you, the absolute resiliency of the human spirit (only by the Holy Spirit), and the love and support of family. I have had enough and I have gone without. I have been hurt by the imperfections of man and blessed by the generosity of friends. I feel, in this one year that I have truly lived. I began new endeavors with friends and quit some old habits and am none the worse for the wear. I am thankful for each defeat and each victory this year.

No better way was there to celebrate this victory than with family and friends. SO that is just what I did! Relaxing since Wednesday, I accepted the invitation to join a friends family for the weekend and feast with them. It was so much more than feasting. It was delighting in and enjoying! We baked, we ate, we talked, we ate, we laughed, we ate, we played! Oh it was fantastic!

My family is not big on traditions. I somehow got all of the desire for traditions genes and no one to help me express it. I love them. I kind of thrive off of them. So joining this beloved family, in all their craziness and traditions was the perfect topper to my already thankful heart.

How was your Thanksgiving? I hope it was just what you needed to get your heart into a place of thankfulness in this now Christmas season. Blessings!

Overactive Imagination

2010-11-27T01:58:00.000-06:00

Written 11/20/10 @ 11:45 pm

Fighting Peonies

I just finished “chat and chow” at Cheesecake Factory with some friends. Had Vietnamese Tacos, if you haven’t had them- you need to try ‘em. Yum! But there was even yummier conversation. I love chatting with people who come from all different stages of life and yet finding we have this common thread among us. Simply lovely.

What’s not so lovely however is coming home from that time of sweet sharing to a scratching at your window. That’s right, I came home to scratching at my window!

First of all, can I tell you how weak I feel right now? Walking from the restaurant across the parking lot (Galleria uhg! Awful parking!) to my car was the most nerve racking thing. I was freezing, thank you Missouri weather, and tired and just wanted to be here, at home, but instead I’m hiking across that parking lot ALONE! Lord knows I know having a husband won’t solve these fears I have but goodnight, it would be nice to have a man protecting me from the cool weather and possible lurkers. But I digress. I felt slightly panicked walking to my car. I don’t frequent the mall often, especially not during holiday times, for fear of being robbed. So walking alone had my little imagination creating tons of scenarios where some beastly man came at me and I, a) startled and fainted like these guys, b) gauged them with my key that was clenched in my fist, or c) screamed like mad with nothing coming out. Oh the imagination! So thankfully this little imagination of mine kept me preoccupied and I made it to my car safely releasing the clutch I had on my beloved FREE Coach bag (thanks Michelle).

Listening to my bluegrass music on the way home (my new love!), I felt relieved and no longer stressed over potential lurkers. Pulling up to my house though, my new fear (click here for that story) of popping a tire kicked into over drive and I anxiously parked and headed for bed. Fears behind me, I started taking out my earrings when I heard a scratch on my window. All the adrenaline that was not far removed from previous incidents now rushed back. The sound came again, this time seeming far more amplified. Someone was turning the lock on my window slowly. Except, there is no lock on my window, at least not from the outside. SO, at that point I was pretty grateful I lived with my parents as I rushed upstairs to tell my dad. He sprang out of his sleep saying “That sounds like a challenge.” (How great is that. Ugh I love men being heroes!) SO he skulked around the house looking for a weapon for the potential intruder, while my freshly awakened mom and I cowered inside. He left into the dark to fight returning moments later with a burp. “Peonies”, he said. I’m confused. “It’s the peonies stems scratching against your window.”

Whoops. That over active imagination will get you every time!

Metal Tubes and Hummingbirds

2010-11-20T12:58:00.000-06:00

Written 11/19/10 @ 12:55

I have not done much research on elephants. To be completely honest, I’ve done zero research on elephants. So I cannot be certain that the old saying of someone having the memory of an elephant is totally verifiable. If however this is true and their memory capacity is correlated to their size, then I have the memory of let’s say a squirrel. If I write things down, that is a different story, but simply remembering things such as birthdays, event times, dates, where I placed things, etc….. it’s in one ear and out the other rarely stopping to make a mental note.

Today for example doing homiletics for BSF I wrote an “r” to represent a word in my 10 word sentence. 10 words, that’s all I had to remember. I wanted to mull over this sentence so I moved on to other things I had yet to work on. Literally about 5 minutes later I came back to this sentence resolved that indeed I wanted to use the “r” word. But, as luck would have it, I forgot what the “r” represented. Pondering, pondering, reconcile…no, restore…no, return…no, recompense… no! Ah!!! So frustrating. Time ticking I had to scurry out the door to make it to BSF on time and get dinner. So I freshen up the makeup finding a lip gloss I hadn’t used in while. I wanted to remember to take it with me, and knowing me if I put it down I’d forget it and I had no pockets in my dress. So I did what any scrambling, busty women would do and tossed it in my cleavage. Surely I’d remember a nestled metal tube. So, “packed” and ready to go I run upstairs remembering that I’d been wanting to find that word. So I tossed the challenge to my mom and grabbed a dictionary, explaining that I couldn’t just change my sentence or use different words that got the same message across because I had only 1 allotted space left in my subject sentence. (Any BSFers understand my dilemma!) RECIPROCATING! Found it! Now much later and having no time to stop for dinner I race to BSF! Literally 1 minute to spare. Substitute leader, visitor, lots of catching up to do equals negative memory retention for Angie. So, anything I was hoping to remember is now booted as I have to get into BSF mode and adjust to a different routine. 2 hours of BSF, chatting, then dinner with friends and I’m racing home at 11:30. Luckily, I remember this weekend of all weekends I don’t want to make a pit stop in the morning on my way to breakfast with Beckyboo at the grocery store to be with those Thanksgiving shoppers! Yikes. SO I swing by the store to pick up stuff to make pumpkin muffins. It’s only God’s grace that I remembered that. Getting home around midnight I change into my pj’s and what falls to my feet? Oh yeah, that lip gloss I wanted to make sure I remembered.

Oh and I forgot to tell you when I pulled up to my house I forget how close I can get to the road ties we have. So I realized I got too close this time when it pulled the plastic guard for my wheel well off my car. Awesome!

My little squirrel memory may not be any sort of competition in memory games with an elephant but I’ll take on a hummingbird any day!

Arm Holes and Such

2010-11-20T12:55:00.000-06:00

Written 11/9/10 9:10

This evening in preparing for bed, doing my evening routine, I found my arms searching for a hole to slide through in my strapless nightgown. The thought occurred to me “Arms searching for holes in strapless dresses is as senseless as “he” and me trying “we” AGAIN.” Little bits of confirmation go a long way for me.

A Quick Visit

2010-11-16T13:42:00.000-06:00

Hi. I've missed you and those seem to be the only words I can seem to find to say what I've been feeling these last few weeks without you. I'm not ready to come back full fledged, still pulling a balancing act but I'm learning, and shifting, reprioritizing, and hoping someday soon, I can slip this back into the mix without completely losing balance again.

I do want to share with you, in the short time I have, some thoughts I've been having, some completely random, others a little to real.

I have been longing for heaven recently. In a way I haven't ever before. What that means is, well that finally maybe my emphasis is being put in the right place. Recently, people I've known from a distance have parted this world and I've found myself mourning with their families and friends but internally completely joyful for them as they were believers. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and teared up with her in her description of heaven, of her longing for heaven, of our longing for a simpler life with God. But with that longing has come a new sense of determination to live each moment, to delight in my life, and to share this delight with others. Deep I know, but it's where I'm at.

For something a little lighter, losing weight is a CHALLENGE (not the word I wanted to say, but let's keep it classy!) You may know I've started taking a Zumba toning class. I hated it for the first few weeks and now I find myself actually looking forward to my Tuesday routine. What! I like food, it's brought me comfort over the years but daggum, like many other things I've held on to it for too long and the Lord is breaking those unhealthy bonds. So, you know I rebel, my body rebels, but in the end God is continuously gracious is helping me to overcome this addiction. HONESTY, yikes!

Lastly, y'all this is true victory for me. Sleep is an idol for me. I mean a real idol. I'd much rather sleep than most anything else, but as God is dethroning these other idols in my life, He's not leaving this one standing either. I have been waking up early for....... 8 days in a row now! HEY!!!!! This may seem like a trivial thing for you but sister, or brother, I would love nothing more to stay in my cozy little bed, with those pillows and warm sheets for hours. But with God's help I have been able to get up in the morning, do my bible study, eat breakfast, have my little Honey Lemon, get ready and be at work on time without stress! This is huge for me because usually I'm rushing around the house, spilling hot Honey Lemon on me on my way out the door and totally frazzled by the time I get to work, where I then have to work with 7th graders with special needs. WHAT! If there were ever a job for me that I need to come to work as peaceful as possible it is this!

So there's my little bit of life right now. Little victory, after little victory. Now, I have a 10k to start training for that I've been saying I'm going to start training for for about a month now. Running and I have a love/hate relationship and the thought of even training for this thing keeps me on the hate side. Maybe someday, but today is still one of those "nu-ugh" days. Little by, little friends. ;)

Miss you all!

Sweet Friends

2010-10-31T17:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your continued support of my little writings in this, my little corner of the world. As you may have noticed I have not been blogging. My life's pace has picked up quite a bit and I haven't yet found the rhythm. As soon as I do you will be among the first to know.

Know that I miss sharing my life and thoughts about it with you. Some stories to look forward to when I return are:

Perfectly Timed "Ghost" of My Past (Happy Halloween btw)
Another Year, Another Move?
New Hobbies and Such

And of course you can always check in over at anglinlaurae.blogspot.com and see what we are up to. Thanks for your patience and your prayers. They are much needed right now dear ones.

With Love,
Angielee

Link Love.

2010-10-18T13:41:00.000-05:00

Don't you just love that little radio at Decor8!

Found this over at My Favorite Things.

This reminded me of working at Eugene Field and doing our Gross Grub day for Halloween.

Pretty gross Eye Ball Cookies huh?! Oh but the kids love it.

And I just kind of love the dramatic affect of this.

A Black Rose Wreath hanging from your door. It says Halloween without SCREAMING it.

Know what I mean?

Have a great one!

Any Better?

2010-10-18T03:55:00.001-05:00

Today I was left with few words, many tears, and much love.

I'm leaving Hannibal in a few moments and suprisingly my heart aches. I have felt more and more that St. Louis has been becoming my home, a place I can see myself building a life. The place I am choosing to build my life right now. Yet, the ache is still here.

Buildings have changed. Children have grown up. New people have come. But I still call this place home. As I think about it though, it's not the place at all. It's the people. I still call these people home.

Bumping into friendly faces in the crowd. Spotting old friends from across the crowded street. Nothing to do with the place, everything to do with the people.

My heart aches because some friendships are not like they were. My heart aches because some friendships are exactly as they were. My heart aches because though we are only 100 miles away I feel as though I live on another plant.

I've missed the women who have invested in my life, teaching me how to make sweet tea, showing me what it takes to be a good wife, allowing me to see the messiness of life. I miss the men who have been Godly examples, men who have made me laugh histarically, men who have taught me the truth of God' word.

I miss my dear friends that are far more appropriately labled family. I miss my sister. I miss watching her children grow up, hearing what the Lord is doing in her family, getting coffee and munching on scones.

But as much as I miss them all already. I have also come to love the people God has placed in my life in St. Louis, the people I am beginning to really call family, my home.

I'm again learning from brilliant women just no accents to listen through. I'm laughing with their families. I'm teaching their children. I'm gaining more sisters and brothers. I'm drinking coffee, eating pumpkin bread, and making sweet tea.

That makes this leaving a little less hard. It has been a sweet weekend treasuring all I love about this place. And it will be a sweet week treasuring all I love in my new home.

I have been blessed beyond measure to feel so much love in 2 places that are worlds apart. I love each of these people deeply and I am loved by them. Can life get any better than this?

Wordless Weekends

2010-10-17T00:41:00.002-05:00

Friendly Friday

2010-10-15T07:00:00.006-05:00

Overwhelmed. That's how I'm feeling today. Yes, overwhelmed by the Lord's goodness and His miraculous provision in my life but also simply overwhelmed by the business of my life right now. Maybe it's just after unemployment doing much of anything seems like a packed day but maybe not. Maybe I am just busy.

The things I'm apart of, I feel like I'm called to and they are things I want to do. My job, BSF, tutoring, babysitting, organizing, house church, church, Mrs. Brown. So to cut these things is an impossibility. To add more hours to my day is an impossibility. Maybe I simply need to become more efficient, therefore more effective? Hmmm... things I can cut; Thursday night T.V. (the only night I'm home to watch it), Facebook, Blogging. It breaks my heart to think of not blogging. Yeah, that's about it.

I bet you are wondering where the "Friendly Friday" part comes in huh?

Well, today I simply commend you mothers out there! I don't know how in the world you do it. My life is busy but some of you are involved in just as many things as I am and still find time to raise a family and encourage your husbands. I came home today completely exhausted. I cannot imagine coming home exhausted to a family that needs me. By the time I come home now as a single woman I feel like I have nothing left to give which is ok most days because there is no one awake to give to.

I was told, partially jokingly, the other day that I wasn't married because I was so stubborn and unwelcoming in the mornings. I was slightly offended but too stubborn to show it. But both are true. Today I am so grateful that I'm not married, today my heart feels both the pain and relief of the thought of never being married, of never having children. Today I'm reveling in my ability to be completely tired. To be at the end of my rope. To rest in my pity party. Because I know if and when that chapter is ever started all of that will be gone. I will be continually moving in auto pilot, never having enough sleep, always giving, never being able to say woe is me.

So, to you moms out there who are the real deal, know that simply looking at your life exhausts me but also inspires me. You make me appreciate my time, you help me extend my rope, and you pull me out of my pity party and back into reality. I pray for your strength, endurance, and patience. And I pray that I will have it someday.

Link Love.

2010-10-12T00:44:00.000-05:00

I learned to knit this weekend! The very very basics but it's learned and actually in there. My hands are itching to get my own needles and yarn and get to work with newly learned activities of knitting and crocheting! I've been wanting to do this for years and now the Lord has blessed me with brilliantly talented friends that don't mind teaching this often slow learner.

But with all this crafting energy going on here it makes me kind of jealous that I wasn't there.

With all this new fabric crafting I'm inspired to do, I've forgotten my first love of making jewelry. But when I look at all of this, I'm confident she's got it under wraps. So darling don't you think?

Then, to tote with some outfit that exists in my imagination's closet.

This fantastic little clutch or wallet, whichever I choose.

And Oh GOSH! I should never browse because guess what I found.

A little spot called The Breadman's Wife.

Y'all know my addiction to bread!

This Link Love. comes directly from Dandee! I couldn't get past all of her awesome stuff and links. Be sure to check out her blog.

Wordless Weekend (with a few words)

2010-10-11T23:48:00.000-05:00

Posted over at Something New. Take a peek at my sweet little weekend.

Friendly Friday

2010-10-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

I sure hope you have friends in your life that make you feel like you are smart, beautiful, and inspirational. Though thousands of miles away, Stephanie still makes me feel like that.

Stephanie is this brilliant woman of God. She currently sets up her home and home school in Zambia, Africa. I'm sure, had you asked her when she was younger if she ever thought her life would look like this, she would laugh, her great laugh, considering it a joke. Yet, this is the path the Lord has led her on.

Our paths crossed only about 4 years ago. God decided to drop this wonderful gift into my lap only mere months before she was to move to AL with her family in preparation for Zambia. In our short time in Hannibal though, I was blessed to see her love her husband, care for her children, and serve her church. She has some beautiful friendships with women in the church, that though these miles span the distance, they seem more attached than ever. I love stalking on Facebook to see messages written between them reveling in their time spent on Skype together. It's sweet.

She is so intentional with maintaining friendships. I'm sure a small part of that comes from simply needing the support from home. But a lot of it simply comes from her heart, her love for people and being truly invested in their lives. She is so invested that there have been many times that she has simply let me rant all about the "woes" in my life, given encouraging words and then ended the conversation without ever venting her own frustrations about life in that new place. But that's just Steph.

She is an amazing listener and gives such wonderful, spirit led wisdom. I know things aren't quite like she expected half way across the world and yet she seems to face each day with joy and a full confidence that God has called her and her family to Zambia, to the Lozi people, to be a light in a dark place.

Stephanie, YOU are smart, YOU are beautiful, and YOU are wonderfully inspiring. Thank you for being such a sweet, dear, friend to me. You are such a blessing to me. I love you from a million miles away!

Me, Steph, and Jessica in AL packing up for Zambia

Vindicated

2010-10-07T22:45:00.000-05:00

Oh, you've read it right. The Lord has vindicated me!

Not to be too dramatic but it's dramatic for me. So you have followed, whether on the blog (thanks) or in real life, my on going story of unemployment. It has been quite the story. Here's the short of it. The job I had last year (SSD) required me to send back a letter of intent. I, the procrastinator, waited until the last minute to send it in, but then didn't because at that last minute my dad was put in the hospital and that was a major distraction.

Weeks later I realized I had forgotten to turn in said letter and called SSD to verbally inform them of my intent. No call back. So I went the rest of the summer thinking I had screwed myself out of a job. Interview after interview, rejection after rejection. Still no job. Then miracle of miracles as the start of school is soon approaching I get mail from SSD explaining beginning of the school year procedures and what all I had to do. What the what! I had a job! So....

I do what I'm supposed to do except one thing requiring a password that when entered would never work. Must be a glitch I thought. I called, got my area changed to closer to home and was poised and ready. Weeks went by, no calls for sub jobs. Hmmm... I guess people just don't need subs at the beginning of the school year. 1 month down. I began thinking this was very strange, but continued to hold out hope. Almost 2 months in and still no calls and I'm still not able to do this password requirement. So, I phone up SSD. Oh what's that, because I didn't turn in my letter of intent I don't have a job! What the what! I don't have a job! So...

I give SSD a piece of my mind, explaining that this would have been something to tell me before sending me all this paperwork I needed to fill out, and changing my area to closer to home. Now I am without a job. "I'll let you talk to the manager." the innocent woman said. So I gave the manager my whole rant about not having a job due to their terrible miscommunication. We'll make an exception the manager says. Yay! my heart cries. Do XYand Z and you will have said job. So....

I do XYZ for SSD and DESE. DESE then tells me that I've done XYZ but I needed to do EFG. SSD is silent. I know there are a lot of letters here but stick with me. So I do EFG for DESE. Oh what's that wrong again. OK DESE I'M DONE. How about that?! I realize now that I only hurt myself there because DESE could really give a RIP about me. In the meantime....

I finally get a letter from SSD telling me I had lost my job. Well thanks, but you already verbally told me that. The next week I get mail saying I need to do this password requiring thing for SSD. I ignore because as now mentioned twice, I'm no longer employed by them.

This week I get a call from HR with SSD. I call back. The woman on the other line, Sarah, tells me I'm no longer employed with SSD because I didn't do required password thing. What the what! I'm not employed with SSD, I tell her in the most unfrustrated voice I could pull together at the time. What the what! Sarah exclaims with me. (Except Sarah used more professional words.) It seems as though in her computer system I am still actively employed with SSD. So sweet Sarah got an earful of my no longer withheld frustration with SSD. Sarah, the angel that she is, spent the day figuring out the issue(s).

Sarah called back today to tell me that I have a job with SSD. What the what! I say. She says I know. Then apologizes for the awful communication SSD has and tells me what I need to do. I ask her if she is for real, if it's official. She laughs and says yep. So what the what! I have a job again.

I should have asked for it in writing. We'll save that for tomorrow.

Oh, thank God for my little life under His grace! ;)

So here's a song for my vindication (that really has nothing to do with my vindication rather just has the word) hahaha, enjoy!

{Link Love}

2010-10-04T16:01:00.001-05:00

Is anyone else obsessed with vintage like I am? YES! Need some good stuff? Find it here.

Don't you just adore this floor cushion! I could get used to sitting on the floor with this beauty!

And I just love this little apron. So lovely and light!

Wordless Weekends

2010-10-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

Amnesia

2010-10-01T09:24:00.000-05:00

i saw a man that looked like you today.

made me miss you.

miss your friendship.

miss your embrace.

miss your voice.

and as much as i don't want to

i remember

and i miss you all over again.

Friendly Friday

2010-10-01T09:17:00.001-05:00

Hello October! I really like October. Usually we are in the full throws of Autumn by this time, but this year we are moving a little more sporadically, at least in St. Louis. One day it could be 83 degrees followed by a day with a high of 60. Oh St. Louis. Hannibal isn't that much better. And that's exactly where memories of this Featured Friend come from.

Caitlyn and I went to a small christian college together but didn't really become friends until both of us had graduated and started our careers in education. I was looking to move from my eclectic but crummy apartment and she was looking to get out of hers as well. As God would have it, we had a mutual teacher friend that suggested we talk to each other and the rest is history.

We found this great little spot together that I now lovingly refer to as Wellman House. Those first few weeks of friendship and then moving into together were the best. I remember just sitting on our wooden floors thinking, laughing, crying, plotting. Oh I miss that house. But more than that I miss Caity.

I love that time helps to erase bad memories and enhances the good ones. I know we had some bad times, but for the life of me I can't see past the good ones. Like the night of dancing at the house that turned into a night of weeping, turned into laughter, and then it was morning. Do you remember that?

I simply adore Caity's heart. She is one of the most thoughtful, genuine, caring people I know.
She's a first grade teacher and I think that tenderness comes naturally to her. She is pretty fearless, knowing what she wants and going after it. There were times I'd beg her to use more discretion and she would consider it but in the end go her own way. That's what I love about her. She is so independent. And if there were ever a person that came anywhere near close of really not caring what other people thought of her, it is Caity.

Autumn makes me miss my now married friend. She is a true lover of Autumn. Given any color palate to choose from for any given thing and you could be guaranteed Caity would choose the warmest, most Fall looking colors. She's so predictable, which should speak to her consistency, dependability, and loyalty and not be taken as anything less.

I look forward to the day when my sweet friend and I can get together, sing, laugh, cry, and laugh some more. That day cannot come soon enough!

Go Ahead and Sing Along

2010-09-30T18:54:00.002-05:00

Today while driving I remembered the best summer concert! Now on my Autumn playlist, none other than Sara Bareilles. It's ok, turn up the volume and rock out, who made them king of anything?