with eyes wide open

It’s officially Autumn weather here in the STL. Maybe even a bit cooler than the average October. I don’t mind though, cause that means necessary layers which I love, but which looks and feels terrible in the summer. I don’t, however, like to layer it up while I’m at home. It’s a very strange thing. I actually wear as little clothing as possible while still maintaining proper roommate etiquette all throughout the year. So when I’m home and freezing cause we don’t want to turn the heat on there’s a problem.

The problem with turning the heat on so early though is that she wins. She, being Mother Nature and I look and feel like a wuss. She pulled a fast one here though. One day it was literally 83 degrees and the very next day it was 53. Wuss! Oh my word, I was such a wuss. I pulled out my heater fan, which I just think is the best thing ever, and warmed myself up.

However brilliant heater fans are, they are big energy suckers for being such small things.  None the less, my roomy had the same wussing out- heater fan experience. One thing led to the other and we flipped our breaker. Not such a big deal on a Saturday morning at 4 am when everyone gets up to their cell phone alarm anyway. It was a bigger deal when I was in the shower at 7 and the lights went out. You never really know just how dark those windowless interior rooms are until you’re unexpectedly left in the dark… in the shower, potentially already having your eyes closed… because it’s 7 in the morning on a Saturday… and you’re still not quite awake.

As I stood in that shower for those few confusing moments of darkness I thought about……. how dark it was. I know, pretty profound right? But really it was for me. I often do close my eyes in the shower and in those moments I could not tell whether my eyes were opened or closed. That’s how dark it was. But then the lights came back on and I could clearly tell darkness from light- eyes shut or eyes open.

2 Corinthians 4:4 says “In their case (those who are perishing vs.3) the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.”

I thought about how the god of this world, Satan, works and how he so blinds people that when they are in the dark they don’t know when their eyes are opened or when their eyes are shut. When in darkness, they don’t know that they are necessarily in darkness. It all looks the same with eyes open or with eyes shut.

But then light comes. John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  When the light comes it clearly distinguishes between dark and light. I know for certain whether my eyes are opened or closed. Even if I chose to keep them closed I know that light is on the other side.

Matthew 4:16 says “the people who walked in darkness have seen a great light,… on them a light has dawned.” 

 A light has graciously dawned on those who believe. It was no work that we did to make the light shine, it simply did and at that moment our eyes were opened. We don’t yell at physically impaired blind people to see because they in themselves cannot change their circumstances. Likewise, it is pointless to yell at a spiritually blind person. Instead, with eyes wide open, we speak of what light is like and pray that they too would have eyes pried open stepping out of darkness into glorious light.

Beautiful Things

There is an absurd amount of pain, suffering, and darkness in the world. Over the past few months my eyes and heart of have been awakened to it in the form of cancer. There are 3 women,my age,in my life,that are fighting cancer in its various forms and another older and dear aunt wrestling through leukemia. All of this has been very sobering for me and left me avoiding God for fear that He won't answer my questions and in anger at the compromised health of these young, vibrant lives. I came to despise all things beautiful, writing (hence the hiatus from blogging), crafting, singing, organizing (beauty is relative), and spending real time with my God. How I could I even think about much less look at beauty in the midst of so much darkness. My bedtime routine consisted of washing my face, brushing my teeth, and crying my self to sleep. I was broken. I am broken.

I'm confused with a myriad of questions followed by a myriad of biblical answers but forever finding the questioning spirit still there. I'm overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and yet feeling the comfort and confidence that only the Spirit brings. And then I'm reminded that I don't have cancer, that this wide pendulum of emotions I'm experiencing is also what my sweet sisters are experiencing while also fighting for their lives. And I'm brought to tears when I think my tear ducts have forever dried up.

I have had the completely divine opportunity though to see these woman in the face of death to become the women God has ordained them to be. One, who is filled with hope beyond measure, not in her circumstances but in her God and His ability to sustain her in life or in death. One whose encouraging spirit has only grown and has a joy about her that is tangible. And another, who once was far off, has drawn near to the Father and is a prayer warrior for others. He truly does turn our ashes into beauty.

I was listening to this song today that says, "You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust." And it got me thinking about dust and ash. Those little particles that float around us were once apart of a greater whole. Whether it was once apart of volcanic rock that was spewed, or a plant that shed, or human skin that has flaked, or pollutants in the air all of it was once apart of something larger. That thing had to be broken, crushed, or even die to become dust. The Lord takes our dust, those broken, crushed, dead places in us and makes beautiful things.

In hearing that song, and thinking about the beauty that has come from the crushing blow of cancer from these women, I am encouraged and inspired and hopeful again. He makes beautiful things. And I want to too. I want to write to lead others to see the beauty that is in Living. I want to make beautiful accessories and crafts to adorn sick bodies and bald heads. I want to laugh at the days to come for I know that in each one, life or death, He will make things beautiful, of this I am sure.



At The Pump

I hope that where you are gas prices are dropping. Today I found a spot that was $2.98! Miracle of miracles. So I of course stopped by after work.

Pulling up I saw this woman hopping from car to car. She eventually swung by mine as I had my card out ready to swipe. "Do you happen to have a dollar?" she asked. I smiled politely and said no cause I didn't. The lady on the back of my pump poked her head around frown smiling. <----- does that make sense? Like that look of fake sympathy. "Poor girl," the woman said. I continued pumping my gas, watching this lady flutter about collecting dollars. I wondered what she was collecting money for. My imagination swirled. But then I thought of my own situation but months ago, when I too would have been desperate enough to wander about a gas station asking for dollars.

 And it was then that gas started to pour onto my foot. I had heard the clicking sound, but I had also seen the price and the two didn't reconcile in my mind. Surely I needed to pump more, I hadn't paid this little in quite a long time. So instinctively I continued to pump, but even as I felt the gas dripping on my foot I was reminded of how the Lord has provided. Much like I was flooding my car with gas, God has flooded me with His mercy and His faithfulness. Corny? That's ok, cause it was a moment for me. A moment for me to remember. To remember my own desperation needing so much more than a dollar. And God's generosity of giving this "poor girl" SO much more than a dollar.

Home

Hello! Hola! Bonjour! My word it's been awhile. How are you? Anything new in your world?

I feel as though everything is new in mine. With the move that's less than 20 minutes from where I grew up and spent the past 2 years I feel like I'm in a totally different city. It's as though I'm living in Texas, specifically Plano. Every thing is so much more grandiose and extravagant. I'm taking roads I've never been on before, which you know is one of my favorite things, but it's strange because this is my town. I should know these roads. Instead, I'm driving with friends as a passenger just so I can acquaint myself with my surroundings, learn these new winding roads, and read sign after sign, another favorite past time. Are you the sign reader in the car? Every car has one and in mine it's me. It's a whole new side to St. Louis. One that I avoided frequently because well, I often don't feel like I belong in the environment.

I've moved to Town & Country, which is just that; both town and country. It's a sweet area of St. Louis that bustles with city life and nature. It holds some of the most expensive homes I've seen in real life and lil ole me is now living there. I really wrestled with the move, because of my insecurities but also because of my own bias towards the rich. So as I settled in to the new digs and adjusted to the new family I asked God why in the world He would move me out here. For the path that I saw for myself, this move was in the opposite direction. As Jeane and I drove, exploring the new surroundings we came across some interesting places that confirmed in my heart my purpose for this time.

Within but a 10 mile (+ or -) radius of my new home there is a Mormon Temple, a church of Christian Scientology, a Hindu Temple, and an Islamic Temple. Immediately there came to mind the verse about it being easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. Christianity, following Christ, is the only religion that requires a humbling of self, a giving up of ALL idols for the sake of The One King and His One Kingdom. All other beliefs are false and do not lead to everlasting abundant life. So, my conviction, after seeing these dear places is to pray for them and the various people that are associated with their false teachings.

A day is coming when no more will my prayers be heard by the Father because the eternal fate of the lost will be sealed. But, until that day, my heart and mouth will plead the cause of these people, that God, Jehovah, may be merciful in giving them time to see the error of their ways, to repent, and to draw near and live out the truth of The Gospel.

I thank God that He has brought me to this place, where I can swim, listen to cicadas and church bells, watch deer graze, and enjoy life. I thank God that I'm no further from my own church that challenges me to not get wrapped up in the things of this life and my own longings but pushes me to care more for Him and His Kingdom purposes. I thank God that He has placed me right here, right now, for such a time as this. And I thank God that He still hears the prayers of His people and acts on their behalf.

For His glory and His fame in this new place I now call home.

One Week Ago

Unless you live under a rock or just don't care I'm sure you've heard about the devastation St. Louis encountered Good Friday, the same series of storm systems that recently attacked Alabama. I wanted to write something, but I had no words, and honestly no real concept of what had just happened to my city. So I didn't write. I just watched. I watched every news cast that covered it. Turned through picture after picture on Facebook. Soaking it all in, trying to get some perspective on what just occurred a mile from my house.

                                   

As I viewed the coverage my mind just couldn't wrap around it. I've lived here 20 years and yet couldn't recognize one picture I saw. Everything broken, tattered, tossed about carelessly by an unleashed tornado. Precious trinkets from homes lay on the ground, entire trees uprooted lying as though they were just branches whipped about by the wind. These things don't happen in the city.

(photo courtesy of kmov 4) 

"Tornado's rarely come into the city." I had just heard a forecaster say those similar words and I freely told friends this news as to calm their nerves as church let out that Good Friday night to sirens blaring warning of the oncoming danger. I, confident that our area would not get hit, went to dinner with friends. It was only when I came home and turned the t.v. on that I knew anything had happened. I called my friend driving that way from my house to warn of the chaos she was about to run into. I had no idea.

Through Maryland Heights, Bridgeton, Lambert Airport, Berkley, Ferguson. I rarely travel that direction during the day, so I went the entire week without seeing the devastation myself. One week and I had already let it slip from my mind. My life was not affected, so my thoughts were not diverted from the every day tasks and family/ministry/relational thoughts I have normally. I had vaguely forgotten, remembering not to take certain ways if I had to travel that way, but never thinking about the people now displaced, not really.

(Photo courtesy of Victor Alexander)

Today, distracted by the sunshine, I took St. Charles Rock Road. I took it all the way down to the overpass. Things began to feel eerily different, disheveled. I began to see business' windows boarded up, blue tarps, bare tree tops, broken limbs. Then there was this clearing. A clearing that had never existed before. Greenery used to hide the homes that sat on the hill. For all I knew looking there, that forest continued on forever. But today, I saw. The thick destroyed and the damaged exposed. I felt I should turn away, to give them the privacy the trees once did but I couldn't. It was all I could do to not pull over and weep for them, for their loss, for their pain. Some homes a complete loss, others untouched, most having major chunks missing from them. The ruins were strewn about, wood beams that once made a home stable now looking like broken toothpicks.

I know my tears would not help. They would not heal. But the sight was all too overwhelming. A devastation our tender hearts were never to know, yet for The Fall. 35,000 without power, many homes completely destroyed, many more people displaced, yet NOT ONE life lost. What a miracle, what a gracious act of mercy from The Sovereign One.

For as destructive and powerful as these tornadoes have been both here and in the south they are but the very fringes of the power of The Lord, The God of Jacob, The Redeemer. A nation's shock at the turmoil these disasters bring, is nothing compared to the awe that will overwhelm the nations when Faithful and True rides in to redeem His own and demolish His enemies.

My dear friends (I know we don't know each other, but I consider us friends if that's ok?) those are your options; to be called His Own or to be an enemy. There is no third, secret option. He is withholding His full wrath so as to give time for decisions to be made. Choose now dear one. As a day will come, and is coming soon, when your choice will be made whether by your own deduction or an end of time.

I pray that you are made new in the life that Jesus Christ offers through salvation. I pray that when your days are done on this tumultuous earth that you will rejoice forever with The King remembering no more the devastation of the past.           

{When Tails Are Tangled}

I rode my new to me bike to the park today. I sat under a tree and watched the grass wave in the wild wind, birds flying despite the opposition, and squirrels and rabbits playing. It was peaceful. Exactly what I was needing. The twirling pedals up the hills allowed me to get out the anger and frustration gathered through the news of the day- yet again I did not get the job. I needed peace after my pedaling. As I sat there alone in the park I looked up and saw a Star Wars kite with Yoda plastered on it stuck in the branches of the tree, it's tail woven lightly in the sticks.

You know me and my metaphorical mind, I couldn't help but think that little kite was me. I have a purpose, a vision for myself and this waiting stuff, this being stuck up in a tree with my tail tangled in some branches is not what I envisioned. I imagined being foot loose and fancy free, dancing with the wind, and dipping but soaring above it all. I've got the d        down but the                g , well I'm not so much of a pro at that.
                                                  i                                         n   
                                                   p                                      i
                                                    p                                    r
                                                     i                                   a 
                                                      n                               o
                                                       g                             s

It's been a rough 3 years friends. I can say honestly that the disappointing news today frustrated me but it didn't destroy me. I tell you confidently that this strength is not of my own doing. In fact just moments before, at church, I had been completely broken, tears and all, about my lack of trust when God leads me through trials, my lack of stick-to-it-tiveness, my inclination to shout WHY to God. But here is the miraculous first thing that happened; I read the email, took a deep breath and asked God what now, what do you want to teach me in this time? !!!!!! Y'all that is victory! Cause if you know me, you know this is not my typical first instinct. It totally helps that the ink had not yet dried from my sermon notes and I got to put it into practice.

SO... another door closed, another opportunity for my heart to wallow and fear that the Lord has forgotten me but I will instead preach to myself what I know to be true. He has not forgotten me and is incapable of forgetting me. He has committed Himself to working out His purposes and righteousness in and through my life. And my responsibility now, then, and forever is to do good even when I feel devoid of all resources and abilities. Oh Lord may this be my heart's desire and my hand's actions in and through your power!

***************

But, did I tell y'all that I'm officially apart of this awesomeness and you should totally come and check out my boards! Very pinteresting isn't it?!

 Also, quick side note, I deactivated my Facebook account 2 weeks ago. It has taken me the entire 2 weeks to stop thinking in status updates.--One of the best things I could have done for myself? Yep.

I’m baking my cookies and eating them too.

1/20/11


Today the snow fell in droves. Not the gentle kind I’ve been used to seeing in recent years. An inch an hour. I’ll repeat it for dramatic affect, AN INCH AN HOUR! And it snowed for let’s say 9 hours. Cars covered, roads vanished, yards blinding white, and kids blissfully doing flips into 9 inch snow piles.

I personally like to let the sun do a little grunt work before I clean off what’s left on and around my car, but with 9 inches, the sun was even having a difficult time. I spent my day inside, cuddled up in my pj’s, unshowered and loving it. I prayed. I read. I worked on a puzzle. I did my nails. I watched The Doctors. I loved this day!

I’ve been convicted lately about my nonexistent daily prayer routine. I am a haphazard prayer. Things pop into my mind and I’ll pray for them, but I’m awful at setting aside daily time with my Savior to really pray. So, it has been my goal this week to get a routine going with this and I have to say it’s been great! I’ve been taking things to God that I usually try to handle on my own. I’ve been praying for others. I’ve been praying for those people of whom I’ve said I’ll pray for! WHAT! Actually doing what I’d said I’d do. Miraculous! And I really do mean miraculous!

So it was a miracle today when I finally did make it into regular clothes to go clean off my car and found a ticket nestled in the 9 inches piled on that I didn’t lose it!

Since I’ve been driving, 12 years now, I’ve parked my car in a spot in front of my parent’s house. It’s specially paved, not part of the road, but indeed part of our yard spot. Clearly marked in front of my spot is a sign that says No Parking This Side of Street. Great! I’m a law abiding citizen, good thing I’m parking on my yard spot and not the road. 12 YEARS I’ve been doing this. So today when I got a ticket in the amount of $789.00 for parking on the street during snow I was totally confused. This isn’t the street. This is my yard spot. Then reading further, I saw that I indeed had another ticket for $612.00 for parking on “unimproved surface- ‘No Parking This Side of Street’”. First I’m thinking he meant unapproved, but I digress. I know that sign. I live by that sign. I obey that sign! I PARK IN MY YARD SPOT!

If you aren’t so hot in math, or don’t care enough to count it, I’ll just tell you that is $1401 that I will refer to as $1,40 and 1 in tickets in one day for a car I wasn’t even driving!!!!!!!

1-4-0-1

That 1 dollar mocked me as I stood out in the cold reading my list of violations, snow seeping into my, not so equipped to handle 9 inches of snow, snow boots. For a woman who just quit her job and is hanging on for a paycheck just to pay her basic necessity bills, $140 and 1 is a slap in the face and would typically make one spit out some vulgarity fitting for the situation.

12 years. 12 years and not one ticket, not one warning, nothing and then BAM! $140 and 1!

So I cleaned off my car and shoveled thinking the whole time about how I wished I had a husband who would shovel with me and speak up for me during my COURT DATE!!!! what I would say while in front of the judge pleading my case. The tears that would inevitably come, because… well, I’m me. Did I need a lawyer? How do I go about getting a lawyer? How would I pay for that? Would I go to jail if I said all the things I really wanted to say to this police officer? Would they be able to go back in the records to see that they were indeed the ones that made us pave the yard spot so we could park there? Would I need evidence?

But in the midst of my racing, panicked mind, came that small voice. A small voice that led me to laugh, instead of cry, to shovel instead of pout, and to move my car to the deep back of our driveway instead of keeping it there in stubborn rebellion.

I was disappointed when I asked my mom what I was supposed to do and she said pray. PRAY! Well duh, but what do I DO?! I wanted to yell. The truth is she couldn’t have been more right. $1,40 and 1 is an insurmountable amount of money to me at this point in my life. Totally and completely impossible! B-U-T, through Hezekiah I have learned that He wants me to lay it all out before Him. To humble myself before Him. To show Him the odds stacked against me, so that He in His miraculous-ness could do just as huge a miracle as taking one who has no prayer life and giving her a rich and vibrant week of prayer to providing a mere $1,40 and 1.

So, instead of fretting over my court date, March 2nd @6:30, I’m laying out my tickets to God and asking Him to provide like only He can. I’m also making cookies and eating them too, cause you know, what’s a girl to do!

{Happy Christmas}

What a beautiful Christmas morning. Snow covered ground, the pitter patter of little feet next door, Livia snoozing upstairs, Maizy lounging by my side, and peaceful thoughts lingering in my bed. It's a good day.

My heart was burdened yesterday with thoughts of those who would be spending Christmas alone, in the absence of someone, or in the void of having no one. I'm house sitting a mere few minutes drive from my own home, where it's bustling with Christmas cheer. I choose to hang over here, with Maizy, in the quiet (and endless NetFlix). But my thoughts continue to go to those who are lonely these days.

I pray, that on this day, you know the hope that was brought to US in the form of a baby, the reason we even celebrate. I pray that in the midst of your loneliness the Messiah, Jesus Christ, meets you and gives you peace. He knows our need and to our weakness is no stranger. I can say this with the utmost confidence because I have been met by Him in my lowly estate. He is called Emmanuel, God with us. He is with you dear one! I pray that this truth brings your heart great comfort today, in the midst of your loss, in the midst of your pain, in the midst of your sorrow, in the midst of your lack. God is with you.

Yes, it is a truth of long ago, but it remains true today. God is still with us. God still sees. And He is still deeply concerned. When you feel like no one sees you in the midst of your despair, please know that He does.  And it is through this one that we call Prince of Peace, who didn't stay a baby but grew to die for the sins of a wayward people, that we ourselves can be reconciled to God, brought into eternal peace with God Himself!

My friends, that is good news. That is reason to rejoice. Yes, rejoice! Even in your loneliness, in your despair, in your grief. Because we who were once far off, have now been brought near. We who were enemies are now called sons and daughters of The Most High God! So though you suffer now for a little while, if your trust is in Him alone, it will not last forever. This is a promise from Our Great God that we can take to the bank!

Have a Happy Christmas, because Christ, Our King has come!

I Will Yet Praise Him

"I will yet praise Him. My Great Redeemer. I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life. He takes my darkness and He turns it into light. I will yet praise Him, My Lord, My God."

When I think about this blog I think about the people who read it. The way they might interpret my words because they do not hear my voice. I think of the honesty I try to portray here. And yet, I often hold back, only sharing the good. Only sharing that with which I have already processed and feel free to now share with others.

Tonight though, heavy hearted, yet longing to praise Him, I want to be transparent, even in the midst of the hurt, frustration, and pain. Why you ask? Why put all of that out there for the world to read? Well, because I want to praise Him. I want to give Him glory with my life. And this happens to be an avenue that He has allowed me to enter into, that I enjoy and that in some miraculous way transforms the mundane in my life to share the truth of a life lived in the Light of Him.

As many of you know I have recently accepted a job teaching 3rd grade. Teaching:: a battle that I have fought against for a few years. The idea of stepping into this class of 27 students in
January was thrilling both in a bad way and a good way. Immediately anxieties arose of capabilities, insecurities, and failures. At the same time though there were also true feelings of joy! Joy for teaching. Something I had not experienced in 2 years. There was a sense of caving. This wall I'd held against teaching was crumbling and I was entering a new chapter of excitement and anticipation over a career I had quit on.

In the days that followed my accepting the job, there was much joy and celebration as there should have been, given that we (new community and old) had been praying for this for nearly 2 years. I was hesitant. Skiddish, if you will. There have been way too many disappointments, broken promises, reneges, for me to take the bit and run with it, so I maintained some semblance of composure. Not allowing myself  to fully rejoice, believing somehow that the bottom would drop, as it had in the past.

Today, Thursday, was the day. The day I could walk away, smiling, shouting, celebrating completely AFTER I signed the contract. This one little piece of paper. This one black line. 

Finding parking in construction filled downtown St. Louis is kind of a witch~! None the less, I found a spot, blocks away from my actual destination, with a few scratches in the process. Meter filled. Bags remaining in the car hidden. I walked through cold air. Through the smoke spewing up from the man hole (there was no way of avoiding it). Into this building to sign in and sit. "Where did you park?" She must of smelled me. Darn man hole! "We validate parking, where did you park?" "You might as well go move your car to the parking lot because you have time. Get the ticket and we can validate it."

So I march myself right back out the door. Why bother sitting looking at the wall waiting for Mrs. H, when she's going to be awhile anyway and risk getting a ticket because my meter expired? Back over the man hole. Down several one way streets and there I arrived in a parking lot filled with endless reserved spots and few free ones. Parked. Got into the pee stained elevator. Back into the cold. Ughggg I hate the cold.

Staring at the wall, I was called in to wait more on Mrs. H. "Fill out this paper work." I kind of pride myself on doing what I'm told. So, in a quite room I sat filling out my paper work. Seemingly giving the same information a thousand times only in a different format. Race: other. I hate checking other. But I've been told to refile a sheet for checking both black and white, so I do what I'm told and check other. SSN, Phone, address. Over and over. 

Then I come to a sheet that has many words all saying the same thing reworded each time. You will not be employed as a teacher with SLPS if you are not certified. Interesting. I thought to myself. I myself am no longer certified, yet here I am, signing a contract, reading about my soon to be benefits as a teacher with SLPS. Question mark. Place it opposite so I know to ask Mrs. H when she comes in. Where was she anyway?

I had a moment right then of dread. Thinking ugh oh, maybe things aren't going to work out. But I shook them off trying to Perky Patty but Debbie Downer was yelling her head off in the back of my mind. Dang it Debbie! Let me enjoy this.

Finally Mrs. H comes in, destroying the system I had going of the sheets I had questions about. Strike 1. Then she asks me a question and cuts me off before I can answer to tell me this isn't orientation, but I will have to come back another day for that. Strike 2. She was a tornado. I was a Sunday afternoon. Obviously a busy day for Mrs. H. I then bring up the sheet I had placed aside. "Ummm, I told Mrs. C and it's on my application that I am no longer certified. I'm lacking 15 hours of professional development. Is this a problem?" 

Mrs. H: "We can't hire you as a teacher if you aren't certified."

Strike 3,4, 5, 6, 7, 8! Why would she offer me a job, congratulate me, and tell me my salary if I could not work for them! Debbie Downer snickers. I maintain my composure. She tells me they can hire me as permanent sub. Gives me back all my disheveled paper work. Tells me I can look over the benefits, though as sub I will not have them (no joke!). And excuses herself. 

That's it. Done. Mrs. H, the tornado, leaves me completely destroyed, but walks away as though she has told me the weather is fine. "They can validate your parking out front." She hollers behind her. 

Can you validate me?! I want to yell back at her. 

This has been a long process. These endless days of seeking something permanent or feeling unvalidated. These hopes dashed and plans thwarted. "Has she not been humbled enough!", a friend prays. 

O Lord! Help me to praise you. All I want to do is cry out HOW LONG OH LORD! HOW LONG! How long will my tears be my food both day and night? How long will my hearts desires be deferred?

Though no direct time answers me. Though no apology whispers in my ear. I am reminded of this song, "I will yet praise Him." I am led to these scriptures: 

 Isaiah 42:1- 3, 5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior.

Fear not, for I am with you."

Though written years ago, they bring truth and comfort to me today. I pray that God is exalted, I am humbled, and in whatever He leads me to He is glorified in my every reaction. 

God and Spanx

"What is this girl about to write about?" I hear you saying it. It's alright.

Today I shoved myself into my Spanx to go to yet another interview. Oh what women do to look 10 pounds thinner! At this point I'm trying to do anything I can to get a job and if looking 10 pds. less, not being able to breath properly, and being slightly irritable because that fat has not actually disappeared than daggum that's what I'll do!

Today, walking up the stairs I was having a little monologue in my brain that I invited myself to. I came in somewhere along the thought of "Alright Spanx you got me today?" rubbing my firm but still round belly. And I kid you not by the time I got to the door I sensed the very real presence that God Himself was saying, "No, I've got you." 

I know that sounds so ridiculous right!? But it meant so much to me that God would speak to me in the midst of body insecurities and anxiety over an interview. With these words I relaxed, not much though because let's remember God spoke but I was still strutting my Spanx. 

So I walked into that interview, not confident of how my love handles had sunken away, or how well my shirt now fit, but confident of the God who created me. The God who knew me in my mother's womb. The God who has a good plan for me.

And let me tell you friends, that gave me more freedom than those freaking Spanx did.    

Can Are

Today I saw a little boy crossing the street. He struck me in his red and blue striped shirt with blue cargo shorts and his little chest puffed out to the on coming traffic. I was struck the same way when I got to meet this beautiful little girl, Julianna, who is just 1 year old. She had the sweetest haircut that I wish I myself could pull off accompanied by the sweetest little features on her round face.

The boy with his "broad" chest wasn't overcome by the thoughts of I can't _________ (fill in the blank). This sweet little girl wasn't completely consumed with thoughts of  Am I pretty. Both, with his proud stance and her round eyes can and are.

My heart ached a little bit for them. For him and his future of potentially feeling inadequate and questioning his abilities. For her, the future of possibly questioning her beauty and under estimating her worth.

Today my heart was sad for Adam, Eve, and for us. Sad that sin seemed to be the more appealing thing, the more affirming thing, the more valuable thing so long ago and today. Sad that they and we struggle with such identity crisis when our true identity is found in Christ alone. Oh, how they were so wrong. Oh, how we were so wrong. Oh, how I was so wrong.

Shaved Legs and A New Perspective

1 Peter 5:6-11

Humble yourselves, therefore,  under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober- minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

This passage gave me so much hope today. Hope that was in the process of being lost a little bit each day. A loss that I could feel and see. I hadn't yet experienced anxiety taking a toll on me physically until this month. This month has come with a loss of hair, a loss of eaten food, and a loss of will to shower everyday much less shave my legs.

Today though, after reading this passage, I felt completely empowered. Not take on the world kind of empowerment, but the get out of bed kind. The kind that wills a person to shower. The kind that willed me to finally shave my legs.

Yea, today me and my bare shaved legs are walking the rows in the library and feeling pretty good.

Learning to Float

Sometimes I feel like I've jumped ship from my own life. Like I'm barely holding my head above the crashing waves around me, as I watch the ship I was on sail away over the horizon. And in all honesty sometimes I feel like I didn't jump, but rather God pushed me out of my possibly too comfortable ship. The waves still rage and I often feel like He's abandoned me to this sea of chaos without a life vest.

Sometimes I'm glad He pushed me out of the ship. Sometimes I'm glad life isn't at all what I expected it to be. But now. Right now at 2:23 in the morning, when I can't sleep because of anxiety, because of the fear that maybe He has abandoned me, the threat that life as I know it is over, I am not glad.

That ship I was on was nice. It held promise of better things, of stability, of permanence, of never really having to rely on God for my daily bread, not really. This. This flailing about in the open sea was exhilarating in the beginning. Something new. The unknown. But the thrill has gone now. My limbs are tired from treading water and I fear that if I stop, if I let go, I'll sink. Sink so deep that there will be no chance of revival. So I must tread. I must try to stay above water.

But I've felt the waves crash overhead. I've experienced the discombobulation of not knowing up from down. And somehow, this whole time of treading I've not drown, I've received strength when I didn't think I had anything left in me, and though I don't see Him and sometimes believe He sailed away with my life, I know He has not abandoned, I know it's been His hand always lifting my head back up from the overwhelming sea.

I find myself often looking for that ship I left one way or another. Maybe I should be looking for something totally different as that ship really has sailed. My feet are not set on solid ground just yet. Every time I feel they are, the earth shifts and I lose my footing, resuming the treading position. So I'm slowly learning not to trust the ground I find and instead maybe learn to float.

Fragile Hearts

Today as I washed my face I realized the area around my nose ring was still sensitive. Months later this little hole is still not healed and I still need to be gentle with it.

I instantly thought about my own heart. The little piercings it's had along the way and the two massive, but shrinking, holes I placed there myself. All are healing by the grace of God but every now and then there is a careless movement and I'm reminded of how fragile I am. How sensitive I am. And how gentle I must be with my breakable heart.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Tear Stained

I'm trying to take a minute to gather my thoughts, to make some sense of my world right now. I found out today a brother in my house church was found dead days after his death. He died alone. Alone. A news report that caught my ear and grasped my heart a few nights ago was about a body found on a corner a few streets down from me. Allegedly murdered and dropped on the side of the road.Just casually dropped. A commercial I heard Sunday on my way to church advertising abortions for up to 22 weeks along. At what point does that life growing in you become... living?

My heart is heavy for these deaths. None of whom I knew too well, but all cut from my same human fabric. And I ache tonight for the murder victim that has no face, the countless babies who have no voice, and for a fellow believer who had no warning.

Ya..., my heart is burdened with our fallen nature and I'm desperately longing for a day when everything is set right again. Yet I know I should cling to the hope, the knowledge that "mambo sawa sawa" (things are already better). The Lord is on His throne, He is the God who sees, He is the God who knows. He sees the injustices of the world and He is not waiting until the end of time to make it better. He is working on their behalf right now. His righteousness is being brought into the lives of the broken and the weary right now. This is the hope I must cling to. That the very power that rose Christ from the grave is at work even now.

And for those who believe in Him, who have placed their trust in Him, DEATH NO LONGER HAS THE VICTORY! God is in the process of redeeming a people for Himself and my sweet brother now gets to worship at the feet of the humble King. Though his family rejected him and even I thought him quirky at times, he is now worshipping in the presence of Our Abba Father.

Ya, tears stain my face tonight, but joy will come in the morning.

"I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ His only son, who was conceived of the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary and suffered under Pontious Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into Hell. On the third day He rose again from the dead, He ascended into Heaven and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty. From there He will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, and the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting." Amen, Amen.

Freedom in Commitment

Maybe it's just me, but I'm stunned at how quickly time is flying by. Jen, thanks for pointing out that February is shorter which justifies it seeming to be over so quickly, but what is the excuse for March? Seriously! I kept telling myself I need to post an update for March. And low and behold, hello April!
So here we are in April, celebrating Easter this very weekend and the Lord is revealing in my life His commitment to His people.

First, let me start by saying I have been living here for 7 months now and God has not stopped showing His faithfulness to me within that time (and when I look before my 7 months here I have to say in hindsight I am beginning to see His faithfulness there.) In these 7 months I have gone through some emotional hardships, heartbreaks, car issues, and financial issues. It has been a 7 months that I know someday I'll be able to look back on fondly and today is one of those days.

So, let me just update you quickly with what has most recently been in the forefront of my mind and prayers. My own financial situation coupled with Freedom School's. Many of you, I'm sure, have no idea what I'm talking about seeing as though we rarely e-talk, much less face to face. But we'll catch up, all in due time. :)

My own issues: Y'all, I did not know where the money was going to come from this month and was already stressed for paying bills coming next month. As I had figured I would be hundreds of dollars short. Don't you know that some how money stretched from last month over to this month to cover the gap and now money (that wasn't even there to start with) has stretched from this month to cover next month? And I got a pay check that was hundreds of dollars more than what I normally get paid. I told the Lord, you are going to have to miraculously provide this money because if you don't I'm done for. He has provided! Thank God that He doesn't work within the confines of my faith!

Freedom School: Ministry with the church I'm attending, New City Fellowship, that I'll soon be subbing at, hoping to get on full time. Freedom School deficit $90,000. That seemed like an insurmountable amount of money to me of little faith. We were told of this deficit just weeks before I am to start subbing there and my natural inclination is to RUN! Run to a place I "know" is financially stable and will be able to pay me on time because I'm dealing with my own financial stuff, right. Just last night we were told that God's people had gathered $195,000 for Freedom School! What?!?!?! He has provided!

My friends, those of you who really know me, know that I came to STL kicking and screaming and faith is not a spiritual gift of mine. Let me just tell you that God is beginning a visible work in me in this area. He has led me to every situation, where in my own strength there was NO way of anything good coming from the mess, but when I recognized that and called on Him , He has been faithful to meet the need. Not only monetarily but I've seen in it in my own emotions, my spiritual life, my mental life, His work around the world, His work in a lost person's life.

I have seen, the commitment God has made with His people. In this season of Easter isn't that what we are celebrating? God's commitment, even to sacrifice His own Son, so that we might be reconciled to Him, through Jesus' death and resurrection. Isn't that our hope? That God has so bound Himself to us that through these trials that we go through, He is working out goodness and righteousness in and through us. And that because of His power that is now at work in me through the Holy Spirit, I have freedom to love the "unlovable", to freely give to the orphan and the widow, to come alongside the prostitute, and to live among the poor and oppressed. He is committed to do good, even when my faith is the weakest of weak, when my joy is depleted, and I want to go Home. Thank God for His commitment!

Lovely Moments

So... inspired by my last post 5 minutes ago. I wanted to make a list of lovely moments I've had the chance to embrace.

watching the sunset in VA
first kiss
watching planes land at dusk
a walk in the park
hand in hand
a kiss on the head
a walk in the rain
a song made for me
piano melody in a coffee shop
laughing till tears
birth of first niece
4 course meal in Italy
looking out at the vineyards
knees to the earth looking up at the mountains
drives to nowhere
princess palaces
snow angels
washing feet
kisses covered floor
prayer
comforted by dearest friends
realizing love
dozing with sleeping baby
standing at Niagara
reconnecting with friends
realizing home
real worship

Goodbye January

Happy February! This month is Black History month and last month as legislated by Obama was Human Trafficking Prevention month. Today then culminates to be Freedom Day.

Not many people know of Freedom Day as it is the first year we are celebrating it (or at least I think so), nonetheless it is on my calendar and I took time to reflect on my freedom both as a free woman and a half black person.

How much freedom I have to be thankful for! To leave January respectably and the cause we support in this month, I must thank God for His provision and protection in my life, that I myself was not sold into slavery. My family has never considered the possibility of selling me to someone for our next meal or to escape a debt. HE has provided. And yet there are woman and children all around the world daily being trafficked, treated as merchandise and not the beautiful HUMANS they are. I thank God that this injustice is being brought to the foreground and there are abolitionists willing to fight for the helpless.

To welcome February gratefully; thank God, that though we are not reconciled together as we ought to be, blacks have a place in America. We are not forced out of our country because of the color of our skin or the dialect of our speech. Thank God that there were and are people who are brave enough to fight for racial equality, even at the cost of their lives. Thank God for people who are committed to bridging that division even at the risk of personal discomfort.

Today what I celebrate most though, on this Day of Freedom, is my freedom in Christ. I am no longer a slave to sin but to Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who dwells in me. Praise God that I am FREE from the grip of death and alive to walk in the joy of the Lord. And praise Him even more so that someday He will set right what man has done wrong. Someday there will be freedom brought to the families living under the oppression of the sex trafficking movement. Someday there will be unity among every tribe and nation, not over-looking our differences but embracing them and celebrating them. Someday the Lord will restore and that will be A DAY OF FREEDOM!

But for now I rejoice that small movements are springing up globally by those who love the Lord and His people and are on board with His commission. And the Lord is working, do not fret about that. He is not waiting to work but is in the midst of working right now. He sees and hears the cries of the brokenhearted, abused, and neglected. He never slumbers. Amen, that He will work all of it out for the good! Hope never fails!

Hope For Heaven Now

Last night I sat watching the Hope For Haiti Now telethon with a box of tissues. My heart was breaking for these people and the wreckage they are being pulled from. As I was listening I felt like these actors and musicians, with the best of intentions I realize, were saying the same things over and over again. The message that rang loud and clear in my heart was that we have known these statistics about Haiti forever. It is an impoverished country, many families live in shacks, and many children in orphanages. And the question that beckoned me was why has it taken devastation to break our hearts for this country? The real devastation is that before an earthquake came they were devastated and now that it has gone they are still devastated.

Why does it take disaster to unveil our eyes to see the hurt and oppression around the world? I am so amazed that people are pouring themselves out for Haiti right now. They need it and it is beautiful. American children giving out of their abundance, families praying, people rushing in to relieve, medics coming in to revive. But they also needed it before. Their need is just publicized more now.

There are war torn countries and other places that live like this on a regular basis and yet America still has our $51 million lottery. Hiring baseball players for contracts of $120 million. Releasing T.V. show hosts for $45 million. Doesn't this seem a little bizarre to anyone else? There are more countries with people concerned about where there next meal will come from than not and yet we have this excess of money to toss freely about. Really?

America is an "economic downturn". We are indebted to China and various other countries. Yet still we live in a ridiculous money driven society that generally has no thought for the poor in their own neighborhood much less those across any body of water. When we get rich we forget and when we are poor we don't remember.

I realize this isn't how the world turns and for reasons incomprehensible to me it can't be this way but wouldn't it be nice if every country gave out of their abundance and everyone had what they needed and no one lacked anything (Acts). We wouldn't have these astronomical gaps in society between the "haves" and the "have nots".

Oh how I long for heaven, when He will come and put right what has been made wrong and bring justice to the oppressed. Until then may my heart be burdened with the needs around the world and may I pour out the abundant love of Christ daily.

Creamy Cones and Life Lessons

After a ridiculous week at work (work I'm so grateful for) I felt I owed a treat to myself. What better way to say job well done than an ice cream cone from Ronald McDonald! Waiting in the drive-thru, exhaust and salt grime stuck to my windshield blurring the snow mounds, I realized how ludicrous it must sound for me to be ordering 1 vanilla cone in 30 degree weather. Even crazier when I pulled to the first window and there wasn't a toddler in the back seat anxiously awaiting their $1.03 snack.

When handed my ice cream I smiled and over exaggerated my first taste. I felt like a child driving away but wasn't really phased by it because I was also pleased like a child by my simple little cone. My tongue felt slightly frost bitten by the time I got home but I had just partaken of my wonderful reward.

It made me long to be a kid again. To be satisfied by simplicity. It made me think of that verse in the bible where Jesus tells us to enter into the Kingdom like little children. How I wish I could be so easily satisfied with my Creator. Not to ask anything more of Him but to simply delight in Him. Lessons I've yet to learn taught to me by toddlers.