Repost: Revered

Today I repost this blog in loving memory of Charmayne Singer, the first woman listed in the revered women of my life section from a piece I wrote in 2010. I leave in just a moment to attend her memorial service which I'm sure will be a time of deep mourning but not without a confident hope that she now stands beside her Savior. What a blessing she was to me. I pray that my life would leave as beautiful a fragrance as hers has.
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I checked out an Oprah book. It now sits in my home by the orange chair delighting my evenings and leading me to pontificate. Tonight I read about self-esteem and all that other mambo-jumbo (you know Oprah and her "spirituality"). One thing that did make me reflect and feel the flicker of joy was thinking about influential people in my life.

I want all the women who have inspired, encouraged, embraced, and invested in me to be together in one room. Oh what joy would fill my heart and laughter fill the room. There would be beautiful women in every corner sharing stories of what the Lord has done in their lives and the journey He has led them on. We would sip our preferred beverage and eat lovely things, because Lord knows a party ain't a party till someone brings the food. We would laugh, cry, hug, think, and pray. We would sing sweet melodies, read beautiful writings, and tell adventurous stories. I know they would all get along so well. Just thinking of it brings a smile to my face.

This, I imagine, will only have the likelihood of happening when, Lord willing, I get married. And if that should never happen, as it very well may not, would it be weird of me to throw myself a Single party? ...I'm afraid it would. So, to save myself the embarrassment I will send out a thank you and list some names of beautiful women who have forever changed my life. I cannot wait to spend eternity with you my lovely family, worshipping our Abba Father.

So, to some of the revered women of my life: Charmayne, Rachel, Becky, Judy, Katherine, Betty, Cindy, Stephanie, Jessica, Ashlie, Mandy, Nicole, Lisa, Laurie

Thank you so much for all you did, are doing, and will continue to do in the years to come in shaping me to become the woman I am today and will be tomorrow. I thank my God EVERY time I think of you.

I’m baking my cookies and eating them too.

1/20/11


Today the snow fell in droves. Not the gentle kind I’ve been used to seeing in recent years. An inch an hour. I’ll repeat it for dramatic affect, AN INCH AN HOUR! And it snowed for let’s say 9 hours. Cars covered, roads vanished, yards blinding white, and kids blissfully doing flips into 9 inch snow piles.

I personally like to let the sun do a little grunt work before I clean off what’s left on and around my car, but with 9 inches, the sun was even having a difficult time. I spent my day inside, cuddled up in my pj’s, unshowered and loving it. I prayed. I read. I worked on a puzzle. I did my nails. I watched The Doctors. I loved this day!

I’ve been convicted lately about my nonexistent daily prayer routine. I am a haphazard prayer. Things pop into my mind and I’ll pray for them, but I’m awful at setting aside daily time with my Savior to really pray. So, it has been my goal this week to get a routine going with this and I have to say it’s been great! I’ve been taking things to God that I usually try to handle on my own. I’ve been praying for others. I’ve been praying for those people of whom I’ve said I’ll pray for! WHAT! Actually doing what I’d said I’d do. Miraculous! And I really do mean miraculous!

So it was a miracle today when I finally did make it into regular clothes to go clean off my car and found a ticket nestled in the 9 inches piled on that I didn’t lose it!

Since I’ve been driving, 12 years now, I’ve parked my car in a spot in front of my parent’s house. It’s specially paved, not part of the road, but indeed part of our yard spot. Clearly marked in front of my spot is a sign that says No Parking This Side of Street. Great! I’m a law abiding citizen, good thing I’m parking on my yard spot and not the road. 12 YEARS I’ve been doing this. So today when I got a ticket in the amount of $789.00 for parking on the street during snow I was totally confused. This isn’t the street. This is my yard spot. Then reading further, I saw that I indeed had another ticket for $612.00 for parking on “unimproved surface- ‘No Parking This Side of Street’”. First I’m thinking he meant unapproved, but I digress. I know that sign. I live by that sign. I obey that sign! I PARK IN MY YARD SPOT!

If you aren’t so hot in math, or don’t care enough to count it, I’ll just tell you that is $1401 that I will refer to as $1,40 and 1 in tickets in one day for a car I wasn’t even driving!!!!!!!

1-4-0-1

That 1 dollar mocked me as I stood out in the cold reading my list of violations, snow seeping into my, not so equipped to handle 9 inches of snow, snow boots. For a woman who just quit her job and is hanging on for a paycheck just to pay her basic necessity bills, $140 and 1 is a slap in the face and would typically make one spit out some vulgarity fitting for the situation.

12 years. 12 years and not one ticket, not one warning, nothing and then BAM! $140 and 1!

So I cleaned off my car and shoveled thinking the whole time about how I wished I had a husband who would shovel with me and speak up for me during my COURT DATE!!!! what I would say while in front of the judge pleading my case. The tears that would inevitably come, because… well, I’m me. Did I need a lawyer? How do I go about getting a lawyer? How would I pay for that? Would I go to jail if I said all the things I really wanted to say to this police officer? Would they be able to go back in the records to see that they were indeed the ones that made us pave the yard spot so we could park there? Would I need evidence?

But in the midst of my racing, panicked mind, came that small voice. A small voice that led me to laugh, instead of cry, to shovel instead of pout, and to move my car to the deep back of our driveway instead of keeping it there in stubborn rebellion.

I was disappointed when I asked my mom what I was supposed to do and she said pray. PRAY! Well duh, but what do I DO?! I wanted to yell. The truth is she couldn’t have been more right. $1,40 and 1 is an insurmountable amount of money to me at this point in my life. Totally and completely impossible! B-U-T, through Hezekiah I have learned that He wants me to lay it all out before Him. To humble myself before Him. To show Him the odds stacked against me, so that He in His miraculous-ness could do just as huge a miracle as taking one who has no prayer life and giving her a rich and vibrant week of prayer to providing a mere $1,40 and 1.

So, instead of fretting over my court date, March 2nd @6:30, I’m laying out my tickets to God and asking Him to provide like only He can. I’m also making cookies and eating them too, cause you know, what’s a girl to do!

{Happy Christmas}

What a beautiful Christmas morning. Snow covered ground, the pitter patter of little feet next door, Livia snoozing upstairs, Maizy lounging by my side, and peaceful thoughts lingering in my bed. It's a good day.

My heart was burdened yesterday with thoughts of those who would be spending Christmas alone, in the absence of someone, or in the void of having no one. I'm house sitting a mere few minutes drive from my own home, where it's bustling with Christmas cheer. I choose to hang over here, with Maizy, in the quiet (and endless NetFlix). But my thoughts continue to go to those who are lonely these days.

I pray, that on this day, you know the hope that was brought to US in the form of a baby, the reason we even celebrate. I pray that in the midst of your loneliness the Messiah, Jesus Christ, meets you and gives you peace. He knows our need and to our weakness is no stranger. I can say this with the utmost confidence because I have been met by Him in my lowly estate. He is called Emmanuel, God with us. He is with you dear one! I pray that this truth brings your heart great comfort today, in the midst of your loss, in the midst of your pain, in the midst of your sorrow, in the midst of your lack. God is with you.

Yes, it is a truth of long ago, but it remains true today. God is still with us. God still sees. And He is still deeply concerned. When you feel like no one sees you in the midst of your despair, please know that He does.  And it is through this one that we call Prince of Peace, who didn't stay a baby but grew to die for the sins of a wayward people, that we ourselves can be reconciled to God, brought into eternal peace with God Himself!

My friends, that is good news. That is reason to rejoice. Yes, rejoice! Even in your loneliness, in your despair, in your grief. Because we who were once far off, have now been brought near. We who were enemies are now called sons and daughters of The Most High God! So though you suffer now for a little while, if your trust is in Him alone, it will not last forever. This is a promise from Our Great God that we can take to the bank!

Have a Happy Christmas, because Christ, Our King has come!

I Will Yet Praise Him

"I will yet praise Him. My Great Redeemer. I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life. He takes my darkness and He turns it into light. I will yet praise Him, My Lord, My God."

When I think about this blog I think about the people who read it. The way they might interpret my words because they do not hear my voice. I think of the honesty I try to portray here. And yet, I often hold back, only sharing the good. Only sharing that with which I have already processed and feel free to now share with others.

Tonight though, heavy hearted, yet longing to praise Him, I want to be transparent, even in the midst of the hurt, frustration, and pain. Why you ask? Why put all of that out there for the world to read? Well, because I want to praise Him. I want to give Him glory with my life. And this happens to be an avenue that He has allowed me to enter into, that I enjoy and that in some miraculous way transforms the mundane in my life to share the truth of a life lived in the Light of Him.

As many of you know I have recently accepted a job teaching 3rd grade. Teaching:: a battle that I have fought against for a few years. The idea of stepping into this class of 27 students in
January was thrilling both in a bad way and a good way. Immediately anxieties arose of capabilities, insecurities, and failures. At the same time though there were also true feelings of joy! Joy for teaching. Something I had not experienced in 2 years. There was a sense of caving. This wall I'd held against teaching was crumbling and I was entering a new chapter of excitement and anticipation over a career I had quit on.

In the days that followed my accepting the job, there was much joy and celebration as there should have been, given that we (new community and old) had been praying for this for nearly 2 years. I was hesitant. Skiddish, if you will. There have been way too many disappointments, broken promises, reneges, for me to take the bit and run with it, so I maintained some semblance of composure. Not allowing myself  to fully rejoice, believing somehow that the bottom would drop, as it had in the past.

Today, Thursday, was the day. The day I could walk away, smiling, shouting, celebrating completely AFTER I signed the contract. This one little piece of paper. This one black line. 

Finding parking in construction filled downtown St. Louis is kind of a witch~! None the less, I found a spot, blocks away from my actual destination, with a few scratches in the process. Meter filled. Bags remaining in the car hidden. I walked through cold air. Through the smoke spewing up from the man hole (there was no way of avoiding it). Into this building to sign in and sit. "Where did you park?" She must of smelled me. Darn man hole! "We validate parking, where did you park?" "You might as well go move your car to the parking lot because you have time. Get the ticket and we can validate it."

So I march myself right back out the door. Why bother sitting looking at the wall waiting for Mrs. H, when she's going to be awhile anyway and risk getting a ticket because my meter expired? Back over the man hole. Down several one way streets and there I arrived in a parking lot filled with endless reserved spots and few free ones. Parked. Got into the pee stained elevator. Back into the cold. Ughggg I hate the cold.

Staring at the wall, I was called in to wait more on Mrs. H. "Fill out this paper work." I kind of pride myself on doing what I'm told. So, in a quite room I sat filling out my paper work. Seemingly giving the same information a thousand times only in a different format. Race: other. I hate checking other. But I've been told to refile a sheet for checking both black and white, so I do what I'm told and check other. SSN, Phone, address. Over and over. 

Then I come to a sheet that has many words all saying the same thing reworded each time. You will not be employed as a teacher with SLPS if you are not certified. Interesting. I thought to myself. I myself am no longer certified, yet here I am, signing a contract, reading about my soon to be benefits as a teacher with SLPS. Question mark. Place it opposite so I know to ask Mrs. H when she comes in. Where was she anyway?

I had a moment right then of dread. Thinking ugh oh, maybe things aren't going to work out. But I shook them off trying to Perky Patty but Debbie Downer was yelling her head off in the back of my mind. Dang it Debbie! Let me enjoy this.

Finally Mrs. H comes in, destroying the system I had going of the sheets I had questions about. Strike 1. Then she asks me a question and cuts me off before I can answer to tell me this isn't orientation, but I will have to come back another day for that. Strike 2. She was a tornado. I was a Sunday afternoon. Obviously a busy day for Mrs. H. I then bring up the sheet I had placed aside. "Ummm, I told Mrs. C and it's on my application that I am no longer certified. I'm lacking 15 hours of professional development. Is this a problem?" 

Mrs. H: "We can't hire you as a teacher if you aren't certified."

Strike 3,4, 5, 6, 7, 8! Why would she offer me a job, congratulate me, and tell me my salary if I could not work for them! Debbie Downer snickers. I maintain my composure. She tells me they can hire me as permanent sub. Gives me back all my disheveled paper work. Tells me I can look over the benefits, though as sub I will not have them (no joke!). And excuses herself. 

That's it. Done. Mrs. H, the tornado, leaves me completely destroyed, but walks away as though she has told me the weather is fine. "They can validate your parking out front." She hollers behind her. 

Can you validate me?! I want to yell back at her. 

This has been a long process. These endless days of seeking something permanent or feeling unvalidated. These hopes dashed and plans thwarted. "Has she not been humbled enough!", a friend prays. 

O Lord! Help me to praise you. All I want to do is cry out HOW LONG OH LORD! HOW LONG! How long will my tears be my food both day and night? How long will my hearts desires be deferred?

Though no direct time answers me. Though no apology whispers in my ear. I am reminded of this song, "I will yet praise Him." I am led to these scriptures: 

 Isaiah 42:1- 3, 5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior.

Fear not, for I am with you."

Though written years ago, they bring truth and comfort to me today. I pray that God is exalted, I am humbled, and in whatever He leads me to He is glorified in my every reaction. 

Vindicated

Oh, you've read it right. The Lord has vindicated me!

Not to be too dramatic but it's dramatic for me. So you have followed, whether on the blog (thanks) or in real life, my on going story of unemployment. It has been quite the story. Here's the short of it. The job I had last year (SSD) required me to send back a letter of intent. I, the procrastinator, waited until the last minute to send it in, but then didn't because at that last minute my dad was put in the hospital and that was a major distraction.

Weeks later I realized I had forgotten to turn in said letter and called SSD to verbally inform them of my intent. No call back. So I went the rest of the summer thinking I had screwed myself out of a job. Interview after interview, rejection after rejection. Still no job. Then miracle of miracles as the start of school is soon approaching I get mail from SSD explaining beginning of the school year procedures and what all I had to do. What the what! I had a job! So....

I do what I'm supposed to do except one thing requiring a password that when entered would never work. Must be a glitch I thought. I called, got my area changed to closer to home and was poised and ready. Weeks went by, no calls for sub jobs. Hmmm... I guess people just don't need subs at the beginning of the school year. 1 month down. I began thinking this was very strange, but continued to hold out hope. Almost 2 months in and still no calls and I'm still not able to do this password requirement. So, I phone up SSD. Oh what's that, because I didn't turn in my letter of intent I don't have a job! What the what! I don't have a job! So...

I give SSD a piece of my mind, explaining that this would have been something to tell me before sending me all this paperwork I needed to fill out, and changing my area to closer to home. Now I am without a job. "I'll let you talk to the manager." the innocent woman said. So I gave the manager my whole rant about not having a job due to their terrible miscommunication. We'll make an exception the manager says. Yay! my heart cries. Do XYand Z and you will have said job. So....

I do XYZ for SSD and DESE. DESE then tells me that I've done XYZ but I needed to do EFG. SSD is silent. I know there are a lot of letters here but stick with me. So I do EFG for DESE. Oh what's that wrong again. OK DESE I'M DONE. How about that?! I realize now that I only hurt myself there because DESE could really give a RIP about me. In the meantime....

I finally get a letter from SSD telling me I had lost my job. Well thanks, but you already verbally told me that. The next week I get mail saying I need to do this password requiring thing for SSD. I ignore because as now mentioned twice, I'm no longer employed by them.

This week I get a call from HR with SSD. I call back. The woman on the other line, Sarah, tells me I'm no longer employed with SSD because I didn't do required password thing. What the what! I'm not employed with SSD, I tell her in the most unfrustrated voice I could pull together at the time. What the what! Sarah exclaims with me. (Except Sarah used more professional words.) It seems as though in her computer system I am still actively employed with SSD. So sweet Sarah got an earful of my no longer withheld frustration with SSD. Sarah, the angel that she is, spent the day figuring out the issue(s).

Sarah called back today to tell me that I have a job with SSD. What the what! I say. She says I know. Then apologizes for the awful communication SSD has and tells me what I need to do. I ask her if she is for real, if it's official. She laughs and says yep. So what the what! I have a job again.

I should have asked for it in writing. We'll save that for tomorrow.

Oh, thank God for my little life under His grace!  ;) 

So here's a song for my vindication (that really has nothing to do with my vindication rather just has the word) hahaha, enjoy!
 

Your Domestic Handywoman

So, I have a confession to make. Last night I watched All American Handyman on HGTV and I really liked it. I realize this isn't a life changing announcement but I just thought I would share.

I've been in domestic mode for a few months now, friends would probably say I've been in this mode for life, but recently it's been really intense. I mean like wanting to drive a swagger wagon kind of intense. Wanting to make all things homemade intense. Wanting to crochet, knit, and sew intense. Wanting to cuddle babies all day long intense. You hear what I'm saying? 

So in watching this sweet little show I was imagining My Handyman and me being His Domestic Handywoman, you know doing all things domestic:
Oh yeah My Handyman so you can install that toilet, well I can clean it. Oh yeah My Handyman you just put together an entire kitchen in 2 hours, well I'll slave over a meal in that kitchen and then clean it all in 2 hours. Oh yeah My Handyman, you can roof a dog house, well I can... well I can't find an equivalent to roofing a dog house...none-the-less...

I so appreciated these men and their ability to do tasks in a home that I just cannot or will not do. So a big thank you to all you handymen out there and a preemptive thank you to My Future Handyman (if only in my dreams). 

-Domestic Handywoman (if only in my dreams) 

Shaved Legs and A New Perspective

1 Peter 5:6-11

Humble yourselves, therefore,  under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober- minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

This passage gave me so much hope today. Hope that was in the process of being lost a little bit each day. A loss that I could feel and see. I hadn't yet experienced anxiety taking a toll on me physically until this month. This month has come with a loss of hair, a loss of eaten food, and a loss of will to shower everyday much less shave my legs.

Today though, after reading this passage, I felt completely empowered. Not take on the world kind of empowerment, but the get out of bed kind. The kind that wills a person to shower. The kind that willed me to finally shave my legs.

Yea, today me and my bare shaved legs are walking the rows in the library and feeling pretty good.

Learning to Float

Sometimes I feel like I've jumped ship from my own life. Like I'm barely holding my head above the crashing waves around me, as I watch the ship I was on sail away over the horizon. And in all honesty sometimes I feel like I didn't jump, but rather God pushed me out of my possibly too comfortable ship. The waves still rage and I often feel like He's abandoned me to this sea of chaos without a life vest.

Sometimes I'm glad He pushed me out of the ship. Sometimes I'm glad life isn't at all what I expected it to be. But now. Right now at 2:23 in the morning, when I can't sleep because of anxiety, because of the fear that maybe He has abandoned me, the threat that life as I know it is over, I am not glad.

That ship I was on was nice. It held promise of better things, of stability, of permanence, of never really having to rely on God for my daily bread, not really. This. This flailing about in the open sea was exhilarating in the beginning. Something new. The unknown. But the thrill has gone now. My limbs are tired from treading water and I fear that if I stop, if I let go, I'll sink. Sink so deep that there will be no chance of revival. So I must tread. I must try to stay above water.

But I've felt the waves crash overhead. I've experienced the discombobulation of not knowing up from down. And somehow, this whole time of treading I've not drown, I've received strength when I didn't think I had anything left in me, and though I don't see Him and sometimes believe He sailed away with my life, I know He has not abandoned, I know it's been His hand always lifting my head back up from the overwhelming sea.

I find myself often looking for that ship I left one way or another. Maybe I should be looking for something totally different as that ship really has sailed. My feet are not set on solid ground just yet. Every time I feel they are, the earth shifts and I lose my footing, resuming the treading position. So I'm slowly learning not to trust the ground I find and instead maybe learn to float.

I Have A Hope

I have a hope
I have a future
I have a destiny
That is yet awaiting me
My life's not over
A new beginning's just begun
I have a hope
I have this hope

God has a plan
It's not to harm me
But it's to prosper me
And to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me
Working all things for my good
Though trials may come
We have this hope

I will yet praise Him
My great Redeemer
I will yet stand up
And give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness
And He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him
My Lord my God

My God is for me
He's not against me
So tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great work He'll help me to complete
I have a hope
I have this hope

Goodness and mercy
They're gonna follow me
And I'll forever dwell
In the house of my great King
No eyes has ever seen
All He's preparing there for me
Though trials may come
I have this hope

There's still hope for me today
For the God of Heaven loves me.

~Tommy Walker~

The Now and The Not Yet

Y'all! Can I just tell you how crazy I think it is that every month I am baffled by the fact that I've been here another month. Rereading some entries I find it hilarious that every month I inevitably repeat something dealing with time going so quickly and my being here yet another month. Too funny! So I will spare you the time going quickly point and simply say that I've been here 9 months. Much like a pregnant woman longs to see her child and in all honesty is most likely sick of being pregnant and ready to birth out a kid. I too have found myself ready to birth.

I have been in this process of remembering passions I once had and dreams I let fall to the side as I've trudged on through life. I've picked up other interests along the way and intentionally packed up other hopes for safe keeping, knowing that to daydream of those things would not be beneficial to my psyche or to anyone around me or just wasn't right timing. So, in unloading some of those mental boxes as I settle into St. Louis I've come across one that seems ready to open as it is bursting at the seams.

I have dreamed since I was 16 or so of going to Africa. I had opportunities to go but my parents didn't find that to be in my best interest. Then in college, there were many missions organizations that visited, again leaving doors open to go to this place I've dreamed of. Yet, I didn't commit myself to these opportunities because at the time I was committing to spending my life with someone else and that was my priority. Those first years after college I was again presented with the chance to go and I had grown comfortable with my average, single, American life. I enjoyed my money, my freedom, and my luxuries. And then....

As I think back on it, I'm surprised that it has taken me this long to see but I guess that God unveils our eyes when it's time to see and dear friends it's time.

...then I grew in a quick friendship with a family that were themselves packing and moving to AL to prepare to move to Zambia, Africa. Intertwining my life with theirs and the families already in relationship with them my heart began beating wildly for Africa again. Seeing pictures of the people, of the children, of the land, of the plans that my friends were making made me long to be in this place I've never known.

At the time situations had risen at my job and I felt like I was being led to another place. When these things fell through and I was forced to move to St. Louis, Africa was no where near my mind. I was in survival mode. But now that things have calmed down and I have a chance to really process all that has been taking place in my heart and physically around me, I'm noticing that 9 months have passed and I am obviously "pregnant" with restored hopes and dreams spilling out of my box.

I have remained, these 9 months in a very transitional place, which has led me to question why I am allowed to be so nomadic at this point in my life. It is for a purpose, of this I am sure. So, I'm using this transitional time to seek opportunities to go and to minister while I can. And I have found an opportunity to teach overseas in nowhere other than North Africa. I am applying for this opportunity and am confident that God will continue to lead. If I am accepted I will leave in a year to live a year at a time in North Africa (the country is not yet specified).

So... as my community I am asking that you pray for His direction, my obedience, and their ( www.teachOverseas.org )acceptance. I realize this is just in the very infant stages but just like time and aging, it all goes too fast and I want for you to have a part in it.

So, I'm hoping that you will gather with me to pray me through from now to the not yet.

Tear Stained

I'm trying to take a minute to gather my thoughts, to make some sense of my world right now. I found out today a brother in my house church was found dead days after his death. He died alone. Alone. A news report that caught my ear and grasped my heart a few nights ago was about a body found on a corner a few streets down from me. Allegedly murdered and dropped on the side of the road.Just casually dropped. A commercial I heard Sunday on my way to church advertising abortions for up to 22 weeks along. At what point does that life growing in you become... living?

My heart is heavy for these deaths. None of whom I knew too well, but all cut from my same human fabric. And I ache tonight for the murder victim that has no face, the countless babies who have no voice, and for a fellow believer who had no warning.

Ya..., my heart is burdened with our fallen nature and I'm desperately longing for a day when everything is set right again. Yet I know I should cling to the hope, the knowledge that "mambo sawa sawa" (things are already better). The Lord is on His throne, He is the God who sees, He is the God who knows. He sees the injustices of the world and He is not waiting until the end of time to make it better. He is working on their behalf right now. His righteousness is being brought into the lives of the broken and the weary right now. This is the hope I must cling to. That the very power that rose Christ from the grave is at work even now.

And for those who believe in Him, who have placed their trust in Him, DEATH NO LONGER HAS THE VICTORY! God is in the process of redeeming a people for Himself and my sweet brother now gets to worship at the feet of the humble King. Though his family rejected him and even I thought him quirky at times, he is now worshipping in the presence of Our Abba Father.

Ya, tears stain my face tonight, but joy will come in the morning.

"I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ His only son, who was conceived of the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary and suffered under Pontious Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into Hell. On the third day He rose again from the dead, He ascended into Heaven and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty. From there He will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, and the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting." Amen, Amen.

Freedom in Commitment

Maybe it's just me, but I'm stunned at how quickly time is flying by. Jen, thanks for pointing out that February is shorter which justifies it seeming to be over so quickly, but what is the excuse for March? Seriously! I kept telling myself I need to post an update for March. And low and behold, hello April!
So here we are in April, celebrating Easter this very weekend and the Lord is revealing in my life His commitment to His people.

First, let me start by saying I have been living here for 7 months now and God has not stopped showing His faithfulness to me within that time (and when I look before my 7 months here I have to say in hindsight I am beginning to see His faithfulness there.) In these 7 months I have gone through some emotional hardships, heartbreaks, car issues, and financial issues. It has been a 7 months that I know someday I'll be able to look back on fondly and today is one of those days.

So, let me just update you quickly with what has most recently been in the forefront of my mind and prayers. My own financial situation coupled with Freedom School's. Many of you, I'm sure, have no idea what I'm talking about seeing as though we rarely e-talk, much less face to face. But we'll catch up, all in due time. :)

My own issues: Y'all, I did not know where the money was going to come from this month and was already stressed for paying bills coming next month. As I had figured I would be hundreds of dollars short. Don't you know that some how money stretched from last month over to this month to cover the gap and now money (that wasn't even there to start with) has stretched from this month to cover next month? And I got a pay check that was hundreds of dollars more than what I normally get paid. I told the Lord, you are going to have to miraculously provide this money because if you don't I'm done for. He has provided! Thank God that He doesn't work within the confines of my faith!

Freedom School: Ministry with the church I'm attending, New City Fellowship, that I'll soon be subbing at, hoping to get on full time. Freedom School deficit $90,000. That seemed like an insurmountable amount of money to me of little faith. We were told of this deficit just weeks before I am to start subbing there and my natural inclination is to RUN! Run to a place I "know" is financially stable and will be able to pay me on time because I'm dealing with my own financial stuff, right. Just last night we were told that God's people had gathered $195,000 for Freedom School! What?!?!?! He has provided!

My friends, those of you who really know me, know that I came to STL kicking and screaming and faith is not a spiritual gift of mine. Let me just tell you that God is beginning a visible work in me in this area. He has led me to every situation, where in my own strength there was NO way of anything good coming from the mess, but when I recognized that and called on Him , He has been faithful to meet the need. Not only monetarily but I've seen in it in my own emotions, my spiritual life, my mental life, His work around the world, His work in a lost person's life.

I have seen, the commitment God has made with His people. In this season of Easter isn't that what we are celebrating? God's commitment, even to sacrifice His own Son, so that we might be reconciled to Him, through Jesus' death and resurrection. Isn't that our hope? That God has so bound Himself to us that through these trials that we go through, He is working out goodness and righteousness in and through us. And that because of His power that is now at work in me through the Holy Spirit, I have freedom to love the "unlovable", to freely give to the orphan and the widow, to come alongside the prostitute, and to live among the poor and oppressed. He is committed to do good, even when my faith is the weakest of weak, when my joy is depleted, and I want to go Home. Thank God for His commitment!

Out with February, In with March

Where on Earth has the time even gone? Honestly! It's already 3 days into March, seriously? Yet somehow, as I type, I'm trying to remember what February even looked like. It was in and out like the high waisted pants fashion trend. Unlike the sad pants, this February will be remembered for various reasons in my life. This speedy month held the quick engagements of a few friends and the ridiculously slow arrival of a dear baby. The month my car got hit and reality hit me a little harder. The celebration of relationships finally coming around and the mourning of lying other relationships to rest. Ya, February you have been quite the balancing act.

I'm ready for March and it's inevitable hope inducing sunshine. Oh how I need a hope inducer. Between the gray days of February and the normal "wait" of life, a girl can get bogged down and feel a little hopeless. But it's nothing a little sunshine and a lot of Son time ;) can't fix.

So here's to March; basketball, sunshine, green grass and all! Hoping you find a little hope this month!

6 months

So... I've been here 6 months today. I am alive and doing well. The Lord is stretching and growing me in areas I expected but in ways I could not have anticipated. There are some new ministries coming into focus for me that I'm sure I will be sharing with you as things become clearer. Real friendships are blossoming, roots are digging in, and I feel the groove coming.
I've deleted the number vowing to give in and let go. I've thought better of thinking. And I'm relearning to hope.
Ya, I'd say at 6 months things are getting better. The here and there of me are learning to coexist happily. Ya,....happily.

Lovely Moments

So... inspired by my last post 5 minutes ago. I wanted to make a list of lovely moments I've had the chance to embrace.

watching the sunset in VA
first kiss
watching planes land at dusk
a walk in the park
hand in hand
a kiss on the head
a walk in the rain
a song made for me
piano melody in a coffee shop
laughing till tears
birth of first niece
4 course meal in Italy
looking out at the vineyards
knees to the earth looking up at the mountains
drives to nowhere
princess palaces
snow angels
washing feet
kisses covered floor
prayer
comforted by dearest friends
realizing love
dozing with sleeping baby
standing at Niagara
reconnecting with friends
realizing home
real worship

Hope For Heaven Now

Last night I sat watching the Hope For Haiti Now telethon with a box of tissues. My heart was breaking for these people and the wreckage they are being pulled from. As I was listening I felt like these actors and musicians, with the best of intentions I realize, were saying the same things over and over again. The message that rang loud and clear in my heart was that we have known these statistics about Haiti forever. It is an impoverished country, many families live in shacks, and many children in orphanages. And the question that beckoned me was why has it taken devastation to break our hearts for this country? The real devastation is that before an earthquake came they were devastated and now that it has gone they are still devastated.

Why does it take disaster to unveil our eyes to see the hurt and oppression around the world? I am so amazed that people are pouring themselves out for Haiti right now. They need it and it is beautiful. American children giving out of their abundance, families praying, people rushing in to relieve, medics coming in to revive. But they also needed it before. Their need is just publicized more now.

There are war torn countries and other places that live like this on a regular basis and yet America still has our $51 million lottery. Hiring baseball players for contracts of $120 million. Releasing T.V. show hosts for $45 million. Doesn't this seem a little bizarre to anyone else? There are more countries with people concerned about where there next meal will come from than not and yet we have this excess of money to toss freely about. Really?

America is an "economic downturn". We are indebted to China and various other countries. Yet still we live in a ridiculous money driven society that generally has no thought for the poor in their own neighborhood much less those across any body of water. When we get rich we forget and when we are poor we don't remember.

I realize this isn't how the world turns and for reasons incomprehensible to me it can't be this way but wouldn't it be nice if every country gave out of their abundance and everyone had what they needed and no one lacked anything (Acts). We wouldn't have these astronomical gaps in society between the "haves" and the "have nots".

Oh how I long for heaven, when He will come and put right what has been made wrong and bring justice to the oppressed. Until then may my heart be burdened with the needs around the world and may I pour out the abundant love of Christ daily.

5 Months and Counting

Not to be confused with pregnancy, though this is a birthing of sorts. I have lived in my new home for 5 months now. The time has passed by relatively quickly. In moments I have felt like time was stagnant, like things would never change, like I was without hope. But I find myself at this 5 month mark completely sane and happy. I live in this house which speaks volumes of my sanity. I was just offered the position that I desperately hoped and prayed for. Relationships are solidifying. And I'm finding my groove. It feels like things are on the upswing in my life. Everything I dreamed of? Not at all. Potentially birthing a whole new dream? Definitely maybe.

Pray first, then eat!

I've just had the pleasure of chatting with some new friends. I was pleasantly surprised to find that many were in a similar situation as I. Isn't it great when the Lord brings along those people in your life, that you can walk with through this season. That's, I think, what we must remember at the forefront is that, indeed this is just a season. It will not forever be this tight-rope walk of sanity and trusting the Lord. We will again, someday, come back around to a feeling of rested assurance, knowing that of course God can handle everything and wondering why we ever distrusted Him.

But right now, that assurance isn't there all the time and it's nice to know that I'm not doubting alone. What's even better is that He, in His infinite wisdom, knows we need each other and so has placed us in various places in these trials so that we can unite together, in community, to encourage one another when we cannot stand on our own.

So, here is my encouragement to new and old friends alike; who are struggling with trusting the Lord and His direction and timing in our lives. Read the book Just Do Something. I read it within my first 5 months of moving back and found such great wisdom (which I always forget). It's an easy read but will definitely challenge you. Maybe I should take it up again. Enjoy!

Foggy Nights

A few days ago a deep fog fell over the St. Louis area. Billboards that usually anchored the city were no longer existent. Lights guiding the path were now a faint glowing in the distance. As I tried to maneuver my way back home I was surprised how lost I felt with this veil of fog. My head lights seemed to disappear in the thick of it. At one point the only car traveling with me vanished as I tried to keep up, using their back lights as point of reference.

It's funny but this scene is exactly how I feel lately. Like a dense fog has shrouded my life. I have lost all sense of direction and the light that I have doesn't seem strong enough to cut through this darkness. I'm traveling alone and the only hope I had of finding my way out has just vanished.

I however can find hope that tomorrow will be a new day and the fog may not have completely lifted but someday, someday, the light will shine and I will find my way again. Until then, I will use the dim light I have and continue this journey though the path is unclear.