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That part was written a week ago. This week it's been 100 degrees... literally and Sunday it will be September. In case I don't say it, welcome September!
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I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, she's been gone for 5 months and she's talking about the weather? THE WEATHER!! Well... my response to you is.... yep. It's hard being gone 5 months and then trying to catch up without being too overwhelming. So my default was the weather, but I lacked a transition. I've been gone too long. Bare with me.
So... the quick update so that you can make sense of what I'm about to say is:
In the span of 6 months 3 people I cared for deeply died. And 3 others were diagnosed with cancer.
I fell apart emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
After months of perpetual grieving I came back to life.
I postponed leaving for London one year.
I began eating less and moving more.
You are now caught up.
The other day I was running (because I run 3 miles everyday now! I know right. DO you even know me anymore??). My path, originally completely unintentional, gives me a view of the hospital my friend lived in the last months of her life. Everyday, I run by it and think of her. Some days are more emotional than others. Some days I'm more exhausted than others, you know how that goes.
Usually when I round the bend at the hospital there is grown up prairie on either side of the path. Just the day before there had been. But that day I rounded the bend to find the prairie on one side had been cut down. In the shadow of the looming hospital, standing next to the naked land my heart began to ache. I continued putting one foot in front of the other but my mind would not move forward. Why would they cut down my prairie? It was so pretty, so peaceful, a little hideaway home for animals of the woods. Why would they cut it down like that, without warning, without notice? As I ran slowly by it again I tried to pry my eyes away but could not. I wondered why I was so emotionally attached to this prairie land. I looked to the opposite side, where there was lush growing prairie and beyond it the hospital. And the tears began to flow. I missed my friend Jenny. And as confused as I was about the prairie land I was confused about her death. And in that moment I was oddly comforted by the words of John 12:24, I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives.
In order to preserve the prairie it had to be cut down. It's a strange concept that from death will come life. But Jesus is kind of in the business of doing strange things that seem counter intuitive. I've seen this truth in my own life over the last few months of mourning. I've been led to a life filled place because of the death that once surrounded me. How many times have we heard of someone making a positive dramatic life change because of their loss? This is Jesus being faithful to His promise that from death, life will spring.
I miss my friend dearly. But I'm convinced that, just like on the opposite side of my path there is still lush green, wild prairie there is beautiful life springing up in me because of the life she lived.
I of course didn't always have that perspective. There were many days spent on the couch or in bed avoiding life. We'll call those my "Reliving Dawson's Creek Days". I questioned everything and shouted psychotically at God when my silence treatment had grown too loud, only to retreat back. I'm so grateful, on this side of it, that He can handle my outbursts and not just handle it but knows me so intimately to know what I'm actually saying under and through all my hurt and mourning. He has proven Himself more faithful and loyal than I know what to do with. It's because of His gentle kindness that I am gladly back at pursuing His plans for me in London after a few month hiatus from support raising.
There has been much pain and sorrow but I've also been able to experience more life and joy because of it. I've been encouraged to whole heartedly pursue losing weight and making healthy decisions in general. I have said yes to wonderful opportunities and no to things that have no value. I've treasured friendships and family more than I ever have. Life has come and is coming, but I only know that because death was once here.
