Nope

So I started writing a post that was my attempt to explain the changes I've seen in myself recently but my words were muddled and didn't come close to what I actually wanted to say. Really the only thing that comes close to what I want to say in its simplest form is

I'm Happy.

It's the most amazing thing. I have a job that I love, hobbies I'm growing into, all of my family is near enough that I can hug and kiss them as much as I want. I have an amazing church that continues to reshape my skewed image of God. I'm apart of a bible study that holds me accountable to my own individual growth in the Lord while also challenging me in the leadership role He has placed me in. I have been blessed to have friends that I still keep up with from high school and from college. I have the privilege to make new friends in adulthood that I love and cherish deeply. I feel needed and valued. 

It's no surprise to you, I'm sure, that the tears are streaming down my face as I write this. But I just think of the deep valleys My God has brought me through. The uncertainties, the loss of hope, and for moments the loss of a will to live. Y'all it got bad. But I just have to tell you how in awe I am right now that this overflowing spring in me is happiness, is freedom, is restoration. 

I was asked Sunday by a person who I'm confident meant well, how things were going immediately followed by "any man?".  I was a little shocked at how little I had to say about the matter, nope. There is so much other amazing stuff going on in my life that I didn't even feel the need to qualify my "nope". I allowed it to stand out there on its own. Nope.

I'm single (not that I would mind being in a relationship if the right guy asked). I have no children though my womb and heart ache to love on my own little one. I live in someone else's house. I'm a teacher who has taken the position of a T.A. and I am happy. The happiest I've been in a long time.

I know that His goal is not my happiness but my holiness so what a sweet bonus that He has taken into consideration my happiness and given me these moments. He is true to His promise to me through His word that He will restore the years the locust have eaten. (Joel 2:25)

This song, though meant for the luvas,

kind of is exactly how I feel.

Reflections of a 28 year old

December 19th was my 28th birthday. I don't remember as a teenager ever thinking about what 28 would look like for me. 25?yes. 30? yes But never 28. I'm sure at some point when I was 18 I thought in 10 years I would be 28 and shrinked at the thought. But here we are, 10 years later.

I had never had a birthday party. With it being so close to Christmas there just wasn't ever a good time for a party. I had dinners. I had presents. I had songs. But never a party, for me, with all my friends. (If you remember me having a party please let me know. I even asked my mom, who also didn't recall me ever having a party.) But this year, this completion of the 28th year of my life, some dear friends decided to throw me a party!

I loved every bit of it. From the decor, to the food, to the gifts, to the worlds colliding, to the laughter and singing! Perfect! I could not have asked for a better introduction into my 29th year of life. To make up for the birthday parties that I lacked my dear friends sang to me 28 times, each time just a little different. I felt completely and totally loved.



(Kate on the air mandolin)



(Emily on the air guitar)

Considering that 25 was not what I thought it would be like. 28 surely is nothing I expected either. According to the plan I made in high school, for some future planning class, by 28 I would have been married for 3 or 4 years working on baby 2, being a stay at home mom in my sweet little subdivision. Oh how reality hits when I think about that plan. Because the reality is, I'm 28, with a short string of failed relationships, living with my parents, and entering a job that holds inevitable chaos.

And when looked at through that lens alone, it could seem pretty bleak. It could seem really disappointing. It could seem like failure. But here's what I also didn't plan. I didn't plan on finding such amazing friendships that feel more like family. I didn't plan on going to the deepest pit of despair only to be met by My Savior holding me up so that I would not fall. I didn't plan on loving HIM more than anything else in life. I didn't plan on being apart of such an astounding community of believers that challenge me along the journey. I also didn't plan on learning from each heartbreak, healing from each wound, growing from each set back. And I surely didn't plan on teaching a classroom of 27 kiddos that aren't my own.

But this, this is the adventure! This is the discovering who I am, who He is making me to be! This waiting (today :) ) is the fun part. When those things that I planned so meticulously for eventually come about, Lord willing, I will, in some respect know what's next. Marriage, a home, kids, missions, grandkids,.... there's a pattern. But this, this not knowing, this unplanned time; as heart wrenching as it is when another friend gets married or has a child or any other barrage of things I desire, it's also exciting because who knows what's next. It could literally be anything!

Tonight at a sisters reunion a friend told the story of an elderly woman who had recently become a widow. She said that this woman no longer knew who she was if she wasn't this man's wife. I couldn't help but find a small sense of hope in that. That by being single these 28 years, I am discovering who I am apart from someone else.

So, at 28, I'm choosing not to look at all I don't have. I'm instead looking at all the Lord has blessed me with and anticipating the excitement that is yet to come!

He Sets The Lonely In Families

Hello there! I hope this Thanksgiving found you plenty thankful and endlessly counting your blessings. I know it did for me.

This has been an intense year. Coming to the end of ropes and finding grace to keep going, hopes continuously deferred, plans set to the side on a regular basis to follow that which God has called me to. Intense is the word I find. And yet blessed is what I feel.

I have known in the past year the depths God will go with you, the absolute resiliency of the human spirit (only by the Holy Spirit), and the love and support of family. I have had enough and I have gone without. I have been hurt by the imperfections of man and blessed by the generosity of friends. I feel, in this one year that I have truly lived. I began new endeavors with friends and quit some old habits and am none the worse for the wear. I am thankful for each defeat and each victory this year.

No better way was there to celebrate this victory than with family and friends. SO that is just what I did! Relaxing since Wednesday, I accepted the invitation to join a friends family for the weekend and feast with them. It was so much more than feasting. It was delighting in and enjoying! We baked, we ate, we talked, we ate, we laughed, we ate, we played! Oh it was fantastic!

My family is not big on traditions. I somehow got all of the desire for traditions genes and no one to help me express it. I love them. I kind of thrive off of them. So joining this beloved family, in all their craziness and traditions was the perfect topper to my already thankful heart.

How was your Thanksgiving? I hope it was just what you needed to get your heart into a place of thankfulness in this now Christmas season. Blessings!

Wordless Weekends

  

Wordless Weekends

Pumpkins in September

I enjoyed this delicious piece of pumpkin bread accompanied by a sweet cup of Pumpkin Spice Latte! Here's hoping you enjoy every morsel of September.

Dopamine and my happiness

So not that I have a resolution or anything but Janurary just seems like the most reasonable time to begin new things. I mean it's the beginning of a whole new year, a whole new start. SO with that I recently read an article, "Why is it so Damn Hard to Change" about a chemical called dopamine that your body produces when things are pleasurable. The author said (which I found phenomenal) "We must have a magnificant creator to know that in order for the human race to survive we would have to have a chemical reaction triggered when we ate, so that we would eventually eat again." With that in mind she went on to say that we need to find activities that we enjoyed when we were younger because that produced this dopamine.
In thinking about that, I loved dancing when I was in high school. I was a Rythemette and practicing for hours during the summer was so much fun. I'd be down in some waiting position, sweat dripping from my head but I loved hearing the music and then beginning this choreographed movement. LOVE IT! So, I'm enrolling in a dance class. I loved volleyball. I went to a volleyball camp in hopes of trying out for the team which never happened because I had a fear of jumping on those boxes to practice spiking. I was always scared I would break my shin because I couldn't jump high enough but I digress. I loved playing on a team, serving, and hollering MINE! So I'm looking for a volleyball team to join. I also loved riding bikes. The wind blowing in my hair, the adrenaline of rushing down a steep hill, the exhaustion of making it to the top of a hill. Even pretending I was driving a car making signals to warn other "drivers" of my next move. I'm looking for a bike for when spring comes. And lastly though not physical activity I really did love playing the piano. I had one awful teacher and let that stop me. I liked that I was creating beauty. So, I'm gonna get myself a little keyboard! I found a wonderful deal on one and found my old piano books. Nothing like self teaching!
So, I'm not resolving to do things but I really want to. They are things I once really enjoyed doing and when I think of them I get happy. So dopamine here I come!

Side note: Dopamine is also the technical name for dope (the street drug) which creates that same kind of feeling of happiness. I'm not so much talking about that. I'm a natural girl! :) Have a great one!