He Remains.

I had to make a relatively long drive today over to north county from the city. It's a dreary day today. It's not 30 degrees which is great but it is somewhere around 40 and drizzly. This type of weather always puts me in a contemplative mood. With the radio tuned in to Joy FM (yes, I listen to christian radio which has apparently become taboo in the trendy christian circles. Opps.) there was song after song that badgered my heart.

I've written before how every break tends to leave me a little less spiritual and a lot more lazy. This break has not been that way, by God's grace. I've been productive. Busy making plans for my future classroom, organizing, visiting with friends, doing the "farm" chores. It's been great. But, even in the midst of my finding time to still meet with the Lord, I've found my heart still on vacation, somewhere far off and removed. So, I've been reading the word without a real connection to it. Some people can do that, have the Bible be merely a factual story, no need for emotion. I, however, am NOT one of those people.

I'm moved by scripture. I'm thrilled to connect it to my life. And though painful, I'm joyful of the conviction it brings. This far removed me, could just as easily be reading a book in all Mandarin ( a language I don't speak) and have the same reactions.

So today as I drove, there was a continuous stream of songs convicting my heart and tearing down the little walls that had already begun to build after a week of vacation. Songs reminding me that I am not who I once was, that God is making me and all things new. Songs reiterating that He, Immanuel, has cast my sins as far as the east is from the west. "I don't have to see the man I've been rising up in me again." And songs declaring that it's not me doing the work, but because God is with us I can sing.

On this dreary day, I found my eyes even more clouded with tears and a heart softened as these reminders sunk deep into the dry places. Amen! He does not abandon the works of His hands. And though I am so faithless, He remains ever true, ever faithful, ever good.

So enjoy a little diddy that struck this hard heart today.

{Happy Christmas}

What a beautiful Christmas morning. Snow covered ground, the pitter patter of little feet next door, Livia snoozing upstairs, Maizy lounging by my side, and peaceful thoughts lingering in my bed. It's a good day.

My heart was burdened yesterday with thoughts of those who would be spending Christmas alone, in the absence of someone, or in the void of having no one. I'm house sitting a mere few minutes drive from my own home, where it's bustling with Christmas cheer. I choose to hang over here, with Maizy, in the quiet (and endless NetFlix). But my thoughts continue to go to those who are lonely these days.

I pray, that on this day, you know the hope that was brought to US in the form of a baby, the reason we even celebrate. I pray that in the midst of your loneliness the Messiah, Jesus Christ, meets you and gives you peace. He knows our need and to our weakness is no stranger. I can say this with the utmost confidence because I have been met by Him in my lowly estate. He is called Emmanuel, God with us. He is with you dear one! I pray that this truth brings your heart great comfort today, in the midst of your loss, in the midst of your pain, in the midst of your sorrow, in the midst of your lack. God is with you.

Yes, it is a truth of long ago, but it remains true today. God is still with us. God still sees. And He is still deeply concerned. When you feel like no one sees you in the midst of your despair, please know that He does.  And it is through this one that we call Prince of Peace, who didn't stay a baby but grew to die for the sins of a wayward people, that we ourselves can be reconciled to God, brought into eternal peace with God Himself!

My friends, that is good news. That is reason to rejoice. Yes, rejoice! Even in your loneliness, in your despair, in your grief. Because we who were once far off, have now been brought near. We who were enemies are now called sons and daughters of The Most High God! So though you suffer now for a little while, if your trust is in Him alone, it will not last forever. This is a promise from Our Great God that we can take to the bank!

Have a Happy Christmas, because Christ, Our King has come!

Reflections of a 28 year old

December 19th was my 28th birthday. I don't remember as a teenager ever thinking about what 28 would look like for me. 25?yes. 30? yes But never 28. I'm sure at some point when I was 18 I thought in 10 years I would be 28 and shrinked at the thought. But here we are, 10 years later.

I had never had a birthday party. With it being so close to Christmas there just wasn't ever a good time for a party. I had dinners. I had presents. I had songs. But never a party, for me, with all my friends. (If you remember me having a party please let me know. I even asked my mom, who also didn't recall me ever having a party.) But this year, this completion of the 28th year of my life, some dear friends decided to throw me a party!

I loved every bit of it. From the decor, to the food, to the gifts, to the worlds colliding, to the laughter and singing! Perfect! I could not have asked for a better introduction into my 29th year of life. To make up for the birthday parties that I lacked my dear friends sang to me 28 times, each time just a little different. I felt completely and totally loved.



(Kate on the air mandolin)



(Emily on the air guitar)

Considering that 25 was not what I thought it would be like. 28 surely is nothing I expected either. According to the plan I made in high school, for some future planning class, by 28 I would have been married for 3 or 4 years working on baby 2, being a stay at home mom in my sweet little subdivision. Oh how reality hits when I think about that plan. Because the reality is, I'm 28, with a short string of failed relationships, living with my parents, and entering a job that holds inevitable chaos.

And when looked at through that lens alone, it could seem pretty bleak. It could seem really disappointing. It could seem like failure. But here's what I also didn't plan. I didn't plan on finding such amazing friendships that feel more like family. I didn't plan on going to the deepest pit of despair only to be met by My Savior holding me up so that I would not fall. I didn't plan on loving HIM more than anything else in life. I didn't plan on being apart of such an astounding community of believers that challenge me along the journey. I also didn't plan on learning from each heartbreak, healing from each wound, growing from each set back. And I surely didn't plan on teaching a classroom of 27 kiddos that aren't my own.

But this, this is the adventure! This is the discovering who I am, who He is making me to be! This waiting (today :) ) is the fun part. When those things that I planned so meticulously for eventually come about, Lord willing, I will, in some respect know what's next. Marriage, a home, kids, missions, grandkids,.... there's a pattern. But this, this not knowing, this unplanned time; as heart wrenching as it is when another friend gets married or has a child or any other barrage of things I desire, it's also exciting because who knows what's next. It could literally be anything!

Tonight at a sisters reunion a friend told the story of an elderly woman who had recently become a widow. She said that this woman no longer knew who she was if she wasn't this man's wife. I couldn't help but find a small sense of hope in that. That by being single these 28 years, I am discovering who I am apart from someone else.

So, at 28, I'm choosing not to look at all I don't have. I'm instead looking at all the Lord has blessed me with and anticipating the excitement that is yet to come!

I Will Yet Praise Him

"I will yet praise Him. My Great Redeemer. I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life. He takes my darkness and He turns it into light. I will yet praise Him, My Lord, My God."

When I think about this blog I think about the people who read it. The way they might interpret my words because they do not hear my voice. I think of the honesty I try to portray here. And yet, I often hold back, only sharing the good. Only sharing that with which I have already processed and feel free to now share with others.

Tonight though, heavy hearted, yet longing to praise Him, I want to be transparent, even in the midst of the hurt, frustration, and pain. Why you ask? Why put all of that out there for the world to read? Well, because I want to praise Him. I want to give Him glory with my life. And this happens to be an avenue that He has allowed me to enter into, that I enjoy and that in some miraculous way transforms the mundane in my life to share the truth of a life lived in the Light of Him.

As many of you know I have recently accepted a job teaching 3rd grade. Teaching:: a battle that I have fought against for a few years. The idea of stepping into this class of 27 students in
January was thrilling both in a bad way and a good way. Immediately anxieties arose of capabilities, insecurities, and failures. At the same time though there were also true feelings of joy! Joy for teaching. Something I had not experienced in 2 years. There was a sense of caving. This wall I'd held against teaching was crumbling and I was entering a new chapter of excitement and anticipation over a career I had quit on.

In the days that followed my accepting the job, there was much joy and celebration as there should have been, given that we (new community and old) had been praying for this for nearly 2 years. I was hesitant. Skiddish, if you will. There have been way too many disappointments, broken promises, reneges, for me to take the bit and run with it, so I maintained some semblance of composure. Not allowing myself  to fully rejoice, believing somehow that the bottom would drop, as it had in the past.

Today, Thursday, was the day. The day I could walk away, smiling, shouting, celebrating completely AFTER I signed the contract. This one little piece of paper. This one black line. 

Finding parking in construction filled downtown St. Louis is kind of a witch~! None the less, I found a spot, blocks away from my actual destination, with a few scratches in the process. Meter filled. Bags remaining in the car hidden. I walked through cold air. Through the smoke spewing up from the man hole (there was no way of avoiding it). Into this building to sign in and sit. "Where did you park?" She must of smelled me. Darn man hole! "We validate parking, where did you park?" "You might as well go move your car to the parking lot because you have time. Get the ticket and we can validate it."

So I march myself right back out the door. Why bother sitting looking at the wall waiting for Mrs. H, when she's going to be awhile anyway and risk getting a ticket because my meter expired? Back over the man hole. Down several one way streets and there I arrived in a parking lot filled with endless reserved spots and few free ones. Parked. Got into the pee stained elevator. Back into the cold. Ughggg I hate the cold.

Staring at the wall, I was called in to wait more on Mrs. H. "Fill out this paper work." I kind of pride myself on doing what I'm told. So, in a quite room I sat filling out my paper work. Seemingly giving the same information a thousand times only in a different format. Race: other. I hate checking other. But I've been told to refile a sheet for checking both black and white, so I do what I'm told and check other. SSN, Phone, address. Over and over. 

Then I come to a sheet that has many words all saying the same thing reworded each time. You will not be employed as a teacher with SLPS if you are not certified. Interesting. I thought to myself. I myself am no longer certified, yet here I am, signing a contract, reading about my soon to be benefits as a teacher with SLPS. Question mark. Place it opposite so I know to ask Mrs. H when she comes in. Where was she anyway?

I had a moment right then of dread. Thinking ugh oh, maybe things aren't going to work out. But I shook them off trying to Perky Patty but Debbie Downer was yelling her head off in the back of my mind. Dang it Debbie! Let me enjoy this.

Finally Mrs. H comes in, destroying the system I had going of the sheets I had questions about. Strike 1. Then she asks me a question and cuts me off before I can answer to tell me this isn't orientation, but I will have to come back another day for that. Strike 2. She was a tornado. I was a Sunday afternoon. Obviously a busy day for Mrs. H. I then bring up the sheet I had placed aside. "Ummm, I told Mrs. C and it's on my application that I am no longer certified. I'm lacking 15 hours of professional development. Is this a problem?" 

Mrs. H: "We can't hire you as a teacher if you aren't certified."

Strike 3,4, 5, 6, 7, 8! Why would she offer me a job, congratulate me, and tell me my salary if I could not work for them! Debbie Downer snickers. I maintain my composure. She tells me they can hire me as permanent sub. Gives me back all my disheveled paper work. Tells me I can look over the benefits, though as sub I will not have them (no joke!). And excuses herself. 

That's it. Done. Mrs. H, the tornado, leaves me completely destroyed, but walks away as though she has told me the weather is fine. "They can validate your parking out front." She hollers behind her. 

Can you validate me?! I want to yell back at her. 

This has been a long process. These endless days of seeking something permanent or feeling unvalidated. These hopes dashed and plans thwarted. "Has she not been humbled enough!", a friend prays. 

O Lord! Help me to praise you. All I want to do is cry out HOW LONG OH LORD! HOW LONG! How long will my tears be my food both day and night? How long will my hearts desires be deferred?

Though no direct time answers me. Though no apology whispers in my ear. I am reminded of this song, "I will yet praise Him." I am led to these scriptures: 

 Isaiah 42:1- 3, 5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior.

Fear not, for I am with you."

Though written years ago, they bring truth and comfort to me today. I pray that God is exalted, I am humbled, and in whatever He leads me to He is glorified in my every reaction. 

Middle School

The difference between being in middle school and teaching in middle school:

1. When falling up the stairs, like I did today, I don't fall nearly as graceful and the pain lasts a lot longer.

2. The kids walking by don't point, stare, and laugh. They do however gasp, rush to your side, and ask if you are ok.

I'm still limping around hours later, complaining of muscle aches, headaches, and laughing at my own clumsiness. But I am so very grateful that the humiliation doesn't last as long as it did when I was 13 and that I've finally learned to laugh at myself.

Hope you have a great day!