I Will Yet Praise Him

"I will yet praise Him. My Great Redeemer. I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life. He takes my darkness and He turns it into light. I will yet praise Him, My Lord, My God."

When I think about this blog I think about the people who read it. The way they might interpret my words because they do not hear my voice. I think of the honesty I try to portray here. And yet, I often hold back, only sharing the good. Only sharing that with which I have already processed and feel free to now share with others.

Tonight though, heavy hearted, yet longing to praise Him, I want to be transparent, even in the midst of the hurt, frustration, and pain. Why you ask? Why put all of that out there for the world to read? Well, because I want to praise Him. I want to give Him glory with my life. And this happens to be an avenue that He has allowed me to enter into, that I enjoy and that in some miraculous way transforms the mundane in my life to share the truth of a life lived in the Light of Him.

As many of you know I have recently accepted a job teaching 3rd grade. Teaching:: a battle that I have fought against for a few years. The idea of stepping into this class of 27 students in
January was thrilling both in a bad way and a good way. Immediately anxieties arose of capabilities, insecurities, and failures. At the same time though there were also true feelings of joy! Joy for teaching. Something I had not experienced in 2 years. There was a sense of caving. This wall I'd held against teaching was crumbling and I was entering a new chapter of excitement and anticipation over a career I had quit on.

In the days that followed my accepting the job, there was much joy and celebration as there should have been, given that we (new community and old) had been praying for this for nearly 2 years. I was hesitant. Skiddish, if you will. There have been way too many disappointments, broken promises, reneges, for me to take the bit and run with it, so I maintained some semblance of composure. Not allowing myself  to fully rejoice, believing somehow that the bottom would drop, as it had in the past.

Today, Thursday, was the day. The day I could walk away, smiling, shouting, celebrating completely AFTER I signed the contract. This one little piece of paper. This one black line. 

Finding parking in construction filled downtown St. Louis is kind of a witch~! None the less, I found a spot, blocks away from my actual destination, with a few scratches in the process. Meter filled. Bags remaining in the car hidden. I walked through cold air. Through the smoke spewing up from the man hole (there was no way of avoiding it). Into this building to sign in and sit. "Where did you park?" She must of smelled me. Darn man hole! "We validate parking, where did you park?" "You might as well go move your car to the parking lot because you have time. Get the ticket and we can validate it."

So I march myself right back out the door. Why bother sitting looking at the wall waiting for Mrs. H, when she's going to be awhile anyway and risk getting a ticket because my meter expired? Back over the man hole. Down several one way streets and there I arrived in a parking lot filled with endless reserved spots and few free ones. Parked. Got into the pee stained elevator. Back into the cold. Ughggg I hate the cold.

Staring at the wall, I was called in to wait more on Mrs. H. "Fill out this paper work." I kind of pride myself on doing what I'm told. So, in a quite room I sat filling out my paper work. Seemingly giving the same information a thousand times only in a different format. Race: other. I hate checking other. But I've been told to refile a sheet for checking both black and white, so I do what I'm told and check other. SSN, Phone, address. Over and over. 

Then I come to a sheet that has many words all saying the same thing reworded each time. You will not be employed as a teacher with SLPS if you are not certified. Interesting. I thought to myself. I myself am no longer certified, yet here I am, signing a contract, reading about my soon to be benefits as a teacher with SLPS. Question mark. Place it opposite so I know to ask Mrs. H when she comes in. Where was she anyway?

I had a moment right then of dread. Thinking ugh oh, maybe things aren't going to work out. But I shook them off trying to Perky Patty but Debbie Downer was yelling her head off in the back of my mind. Dang it Debbie! Let me enjoy this.

Finally Mrs. H comes in, destroying the system I had going of the sheets I had questions about. Strike 1. Then she asks me a question and cuts me off before I can answer to tell me this isn't orientation, but I will have to come back another day for that. Strike 2. She was a tornado. I was a Sunday afternoon. Obviously a busy day for Mrs. H. I then bring up the sheet I had placed aside. "Ummm, I told Mrs. C and it's on my application that I am no longer certified. I'm lacking 15 hours of professional development. Is this a problem?" 

Mrs. H: "We can't hire you as a teacher if you aren't certified."

Strike 3,4, 5, 6, 7, 8! Why would she offer me a job, congratulate me, and tell me my salary if I could not work for them! Debbie Downer snickers. I maintain my composure. She tells me they can hire me as permanent sub. Gives me back all my disheveled paper work. Tells me I can look over the benefits, though as sub I will not have them (no joke!). And excuses herself. 

That's it. Done. Mrs. H, the tornado, leaves me completely destroyed, but walks away as though she has told me the weather is fine. "They can validate your parking out front." She hollers behind her. 

Can you validate me?! I want to yell back at her. 

This has been a long process. These endless days of seeking something permanent or feeling unvalidated. These hopes dashed and plans thwarted. "Has she not been humbled enough!", a friend prays. 

O Lord! Help me to praise you. All I want to do is cry out HOW LONG OH LORD! HOW LONG! How long will my tears be my food both day and night? How long will my hearts desires be deferred?

Though no direct time answers me. Though no apology whispers in my ear. I am reminded of this song, "I will yet praise Him." I am led to these scriptures: 

 Isaiah 42:1- 3, 5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior.

Fear not, for I am with you."

Though written years ago, they bring truth and comfort to me today. I pray that God is exalted, I am humbled, and in whatever He leads me to He is glorified in my every reaction. 

Vindicated

Oh, you've read it right. The Lord has vindicated me!

Not to be too dramatic but it's dramatic for me. So you have followed, whether on the blog (thanks) or in real life, my on going story of unemployment. It has been quite the story. Here's the short of it. The job I had last year (SSD) required me to send back a letter of intent. I, the procrastinator, waited until the last minute to send it in, but then didn't because at that last minute my dad was put in the hospital and that was a major distraction.

Weeks later I realized I had forgotten to turn in said letter and called SSD to verbally inform them of my intent. No call back. So I went the rest of the summer thinking I had screwed myself out of a job. Interview after interview, rejection after rejection. Still no job. Then miracle of miracles as the start of school is soon approaching I get mail from SSD explaining beginning of the school year procedures and what all I had to do. What the what! I had a job! So....

I do what I'm supposed to do except one thing requiring a password that when entered would never work. Must be a glitch I thought. I called, got my area changed to closer to home and was poised and ready. Weeks went by, no calls for sub jobs. Hmmm... I guess people just don't need subs at the beginning of the school year. 1 month down. I began thinking this was very strange, but continued to hold out hope. Almost 2 months in and still no calls and I'm still not able to do this password requirement. So, I phone up SSD. Oh what's that, because I didn't turn in my letter of intent I don't have a job! What the what! I don't have a job! So...

I give SSD a piece of my mind, explaining that this would have been something to tell me before sending me all this paperwork I needed to fill out, and changing my area to closer to home. Now I am without a job. "I'll let you talk to the manager." the innocent woman said. So I gave the manager my whole rant about not having a job due to their terrible miscommunication. We'll make an exception the manager says. Yay! my heart cries. Do XYand Z and you will have said job. So....

I do XYZ for SSD and DESE. DESE then tells me that I've done XYZ but I needed to do EFG. SSD is silent. I know there are a lot of letters here but stick with me. So I do EFG for DESE. Oh what's that wrong again. OK DESE I'M DONE. How about that?! I realize now that I only hurt myself there because DESE could really give a RIP about me. In the meantime....

I finally get a letter from SSD telling me I had lost my job. Well thanks, but you already verbally told me that. The next week I get mail saying I need to do this password requiring thing for SSD. I ignore because as now mentioned twice, I'm no longer employed by them.

This week I get a call from HR with SSD. I call back. The woman on the other line, Sarah, tells me I'm no longer employed with SSD because I didn't do required password thing. What the what! I'm not employed with SSD, I tell her in the most unfrustrated voice I could pull together at the time. What the what! Sarah exclaims with me. (Except Sarah used more professional words.) It seems as though in her computer system I am still actively employed with SSD. So sweet Sarah got an earful of my no longer withheld frustration with SSD. Sarah, the angel that she is, spent the day figuring out the issue(s).

Sarah called back today to tell me that I have a job with SSD. What the what! I say. She says I know. Then apologizes for the awful communication SSD has and tells me what I need to do. I ask her if she is for real, if it's official. She laughs and says yep. So what the what! I have a job again.

I should have asked for it in writing. We'll save that for tomorrow.

Oh, thank God for my little life under His grace!  ;) 

So here's a song for my vindication (that really has nothing to do with my vindication rather just has the word) hahaha, enjoy!
 

On We Go

Have I told you that I am currently jobless? I'm going on week 4 of unemployment after Harambee. Each week has started with a very distinctive feeling on Monday that has carried through the entire week. The first week was VACATION! Of course there was a small undercurrent of anxiety only because it was so strange to go from working so hard everyday to then relaxing. Nonetheless, that week was highly enjoyable. Week two I was in power mode. I knew if I just diddled around home I would drive myself insane, so I planned something everyday and was always on the hunt for a job. Week three? An absolute crash and burn in the beginning. I didn't take the time to plan anything so when Monday came without a job and without a specified activity, all hell broke loose and the wrestle began. Over the course of the week I spent some quality time on my knees, sobbing, trying to understand the mind of my Savior when I wasn't in my bed weeping over His infinitness. I wholly related to David in Psalms when he says that my tears were my food both day and night. As the week marched on, as time always does, I became a little less "why" focused and a little more "what now".

So it's Monday of week 4 and I'm feeling a little take the bull by the horns attitude stirring. I'm also pretty infatuated with the coming Autumn season and wanting to clean away the mess that summer left on my home and do a little crafting to welcome my new love. So, here's to a positive, productive, cleaning and crafting week! Hope yours is as filled with excitement as mine is sure to be!