{do i continue} the dream?

Yesterday the question "do I continue" was posed to me. It was in regards to my raising support for my trip to London. Posed by the person handeling the finances of it all and wondering should they go on processing the checks that were recently turned in.

You see, my deadline to have all money turned in and tickets purchased was to be May 31st. The day that looms only mere minutes away as I type.

Do I continue? This question ate at me yesterday and today until just moments ago. Do I continue? With the planning for this trip much sin has been exposed and shows no sign of stopping. As I deal with each area, I find that another sin habit has crept up in it's place unbeknownst to me. And I find myself often questioning, really, now that I'm at a place of committing this week and my life to missions, now all of this sin comes to light? Do I continue?

Multiple times over the course of the past few weeks I've been asked one way or another what I dream of doing, what my dream job would be? I stammer every time and even now I hesitate to type it through tears of deepest desire. I dream of missions, of marriage, and motherhood. This is my dream.
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Insert "personal" rant here:

I'm hesitating now to write words that mean something to me so I'm going to get on a soap box for a second. I've heard people say from time to time how it irritates them and makes them uncomfortable when people get too personal in beginning conversations or in their writings. I've read this book recently and at the risk of misunderstanding what the author was saying I'll refrain from using the title. But what I understood this author to be saying and what I believe to be true myself is that we spend SO much time being impersonal nothing ever becomes personal. We become self absorbed people who don't bother to look outside themselves to see the concerns of others. I don't want to live life like that. I deeply desire to know you and be known by you. I know the reality of actually knowing each of you who stumble across this space of mine or your wanting to be known by me is unrealistic. But you get the idea. I want to be personal and to steal a line from my fave " whatever anything else is, it oughta start with being personal."
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I have come to a place in my life, turning 30 in a few months, where I've had to wrestle with my desire for marriage and a family. In this wrestle I keep coming back to the truth that God is sufficient. I know I will continue to hear "you're young", "there's plenty of time", and other well meaning things. But the reality is that there is an equal possibility God may call me to a lifetime of singleness. I want to be prepared for this and have no reason for bitterness in my heart towards God. So as I think about "The Dream" I'm having to also hold loosely to those parts. Specifically those parts that are not within my reach to do a thing about. I cannot actively pursue (and stay within my God given role as a woman) a man and a family. But those 2 things are only part of the dream. The rest of the dream is also missions. This, I can do something about. Of course not haphazardly, but led by the spirit. So do I continue?

As the wrestle wore on through the day and people asked of my plans while in London I didn't feel at leisure to say "if". I instead felt very strongly that even if I was terribly wrong I had to saw I "will".  In London I will do this, we will do that, I will be going to London this summer. Period. A very bizarre thing to happen at an orientation for summer camp but the none the less this is where it occurred to me. Do I continue?

YES. Yes, because I'm not the quitter I used to be. Yes, because God has placed a desire in me to go. To build relationships and proclaim His goodness to the nations. Yes, because my sin issues ARE being brought to light so they CAN be dealt with. Yes, because otherwise I'll always wonder if I could've, should've, would've. Yes, because He is faithful to lead and guide His people in the way they should go. Yes, because He is still faithfully providing, even if in the 11th hour.

Do I continue? Absolutely 100% YES.

And if this trip shall never come to pass I'll know that still My God is sufficient. 

"Can I just tell you..."

This is how I've been starting most of my stories lately. I go through trends like this in my writing and speaking where I will just latch onto a phrase and wear it out until I get sick of it. I was VERY tempted to begin this blog this way and decided the title might very well be the better option for that!

SO here we are, me with a story to tell and without some intro line I'm just going to jump right in.

I've cried over every donation that has come through my hands. This is not an exaggeration. Every one of these envelopes, checks, or dollars has a story behind it of a person who has been moved by the Lord enough to reach into an often closed place and give freely to me. To send lil ole me to London.

I can't articulate well enough what this does to my heart every time. Every time I look into the eyes of the supporter or listen to their kind words of encouragement and support. I think that's the very reason I'm crying. Because I just can't articulate the the gratefulness that wells up in me. The awe of obedience in peoples lives. The reality of the Spirit being alive and well and in fact impressing upon people's hearts and minds to support me.

Then there is another part of the tears that is just a humbled reverence for what the Lord is doing and that He's called me to be apart of it. I don't know if y'all know this but I'm not a Paul, or a Peter, or a James. I'm not something to be made much of but here I am feeling this urgency matched with desire to model my life after them modeling their lives after Jesus.

I am IMPERFECT and flawed with bruises and bumps and ugly wounds that are en route to healing but I'm kind of a mess. And I know head knowledge wise that these were mere men as well with their own ugly places but Christ has been made much of because of their commitment to Him.

I want Christ to be made much of in my life. And I feel as though Christ echos those words back to me, "I delight in you! I want to be made much of in your life." I have to be honest and say there is fear when I hear these words. Paul, Peter, and James may have had moments of stupidity but I often feel like I'm in that state constantly. God used them to write beautiful and profound things, to speak clearly and articulate the gospel in a way that made sense to others. Me? Really?

Hephzibah- which means My Delight is in You
(Isaiah 62:4)

Could it be? Could it be that God could use me? Of course it won't be in the same way that He used these men or any one else on earth. It would be a new and different thing He would do with my life. But could He use me?

This is what I'm asking as I go to London this summer. Lord, could you use me? Can it be that you've actually met me in my desires and called me out to be your servant abroad? Can it be?

Would you prayerfully consider supporting me in this?

I cried earlier because I'm nearly 50% of the way to having complete funding. Amen! I cried also because I'm only nearly 50% of the way to having complete funding. Oh man!

I will close collections on May 31st. If you desire to support me in any way, can you please do so before this time.

To God be the Glory!

Angie

You're Killin Me Smalls!

Yesterday I watched The Sandlot with the kids, far more profanity than I remember but classic none the less. F-o-r-ev-er, For-ev-er.

Do you ever feel like that? Slow motion? Sticky shoes? For-ev-er?

I have to be honest when I tell you these are the extremes I live in; either immediately or waiting for-ev-er. Tonight I found myself in the throws of an emotional melt down over waiting for-ev-er.

Sometimes God answers those prayers we have immediately. Other times I fear I am a resounding gong as I regularly bring my petitions to Him, day after day, week after week, month after month, and in some instances year after year.

Sometimes there is the answer of yes after these long suffering prayers. Sometimes no or maybe later. But sometimes, there is silence. A silence that can grip me so tightly it's tangible. A silence that speaks louder than the words I long to hear.

I feel, in these areas I'm praying over, that the silence can be a bit overwhelming. The unknown can be paralyzing, nauseating, confusing, and scary.

But what I'm also learning is sometimes in that silence is something better than His words. It's His presence. The awareness that He is near. He notices my distress and sees my brokenness. He recognizes my desperation and meets me where I am, not to whisper words I long for, but to bring comfort because waiting is hard work.

There are few things that last for-ev-er. This season of waiting will not, but The One leading me through this season will. I need not worry myself with the fear that any time will last for-ev-er. I rather, trust that He is in the business of answering and responding in tangible real ways. And when He does, He will hasten it and FOR-EV-ER will be no more.

Life According to The Secretary

I've taken to calling my phone The Secretary. She really does help me with so much in a day and without her I'd be a mess! Or maybe I'm still a mess but less of one... maybe.

Life's been a little nutty around here. For as quickly as this London opportunity came into my life, May sure does seem to be moving slowly. Maybe it's because everyday feels as though 2 days have been lived. None the less I appreciate that time is consistent. I don't actually have less or more of it on any given day. I'm given the same amount of hours daily to use them as best as possible.


Stumbled upon How To Be A Man in th least likely place. Watched Tangled.
A sweet house party interrupted by pounding hail.
Laumeire Sculpture Park.


That's something that's been on my mind lately. Time. The productive use of it or lack there of. I struggle with that a bit. I find that my life is quite busy but when I look back to reflect on and evaluate it I find that I waste a lot of time, a lot of opportunities. I may be busy but what is being produced from that business.

I've been convicted while studying the life of Paul through BSF's study, The Acts of the Epistles, to make each moment count. In each letter there is the heart of a man committed to the Lord and fulfilling His purposes in the world by submitting his life to His will. In the mundane, in the adventurous, they were submitted without reservation to the cause of Christ in the world.

This is, I believe, the very life God calls us to live now. That God calls me to live now. In the mundane, in the waiting, in the adventure to be committed without reservation to His cause in ALL of the world.

Enter London. I don't know that support will be raised in time to go on this trip (I pray fervently that God would help my unbelief) but I know benefits have already come from the preparation of it. 1) I've had to break my ugly habit of procrastination because there has been literally NO time for it. 2) I have been humbled by the generosity of people. 3) I've been more honest in relating the details of the trip to friends who are not believers. A confidence and fearlessness has come when entering these conversations. 4) I have prayed more earnestly and fervently as I feel this is actually something God has called me to. Yes and Amen!

And though I'm finding I really treasure my Sidekick Assistant I know this work is not hers or mine alone but a work of the holy spirit. Who really is making all things new!