Yesterday the question "do I continue" was posed to me. It was in regards to my raising support for my trip to London. Posed by the person handeling the finances of it all and wondering should they go on processing the checks that were recently turned in.
You see, my deadline to have all money turned in and tickets purchased was to be May 31st. The day that looms only mere minutes away as I type.
Do I continue? This question ate at me yesterday and today until just moments ago. Do I continue? With the planning for this trip much sin has been exposed and shows no sign of stopping. As I deal with each area, I find that another sin habit has crept up in it's place unbeknownst to me. And I find myself often questioning, really, now that I'm at a place of committing this week and my life to missions, now all of this sin comes to light? Do I continue?
Multiple times over the course of the past few weeks I've been asked one way or another what I dream of doing, what my dream job would be? I stammer every time and even now I hesitate to type it through tears of deepest desire. I dream of missions, of marriage, and motherhood. This is my dream.
************
Insert "personal" rant here:
I'm hesitating now to write words that mean something to me so I'm going to get on a soap box for a second. I've heard people say from time to time how it irritates them and makes them uncomfortable when people get too personal in beginning conversations or in their writings. I've read this book recently and at the risk of misunderstanding what the author was saying I'll refrain from using the title. But what I understood this author to be saying and what I believe to be true myself is that we spend SO much time being impersonal nothing ever becomes personal. We become self absorbed people who don't bother to look outside themselves to see the concerns of others. I don't want to live life like that. I deeply desire to know you and be known by you. I know the reality of actually knowing each of you who stumble across this space of mine or your wanting to be known by me is unrealistic. But you get the idea. I want to be personal and to steal a line from my fave " whatever anything else is, it oughta start with being personal."
*********************
I have come to a place in my life, turning 30 in a few months, where I've had to wrestle with my desire for marriage and a family. In this wrestle I keep coming back to the truth that God is sufficient. I know I will continue to hear "you're young", "there's plenty of time", and other well meaning things. But the reality is that there is an equal possibility God may call me to a lifetime of singleness. I want to be prepared for this and have no reason for bitterness in my heart towards God. So as I think about "The Dream" I'm having to also hold loosely to those parts. Specifically those parts that are not within my reach to do a thing about. I cannot actively pursue (and stay within my God given role as a woman) a man and a family. But those 2 things are only part of the dream. The rest of the dream is also missions. This, I can do something about. Of course not haphazardly, but led by the spirit. So do I continue?
As the wrestle wore on through the day and people asked of my plans while in London I didn't feel at leisure to say "if". I instead felt very strongly that even if I was terribly wrong I had to saw I "will". In London I will do this, we will do that, I will be going to London this summer. Period. A very bizarre thing to happen at an orientation for summer camp but the none the less this is where it occurred to me. Do I continue?
YES. Yes, because I'm not the quitter I used to be. Yes, because God has placed a desire in me to go. To build relationships and proclaim His goodness to the nations. Yes, because my sin issues ARE being brought to light so they CAN be dealt with. Yes, because otherwise I'll always wonder if I could've, should've, would've. Yes, because He is faithful to lead and guide His people in the way they should go. Yes, because He is still faithfully providing, even if in the 11th hour.
Do I continue? Absolutely 100% YES.
And if this trip shall never come to pass I'll know that still My God is sufficient.
No comments:
Post a Comment