A Note To You and The Roaring 20's

Tonight I write from the sweet spot of my bed in pj's I haven't worn in years cause I forget about them. Today, because clothing options were low they emerged to the top. They are sassy and fun enough that I want to wake up in them on my 29th birthday.

In a few short hours it will be my birthday. Nothing will change in the world. People will get up, go to work, and continue on with their routines. I will too. Yet tonight, in my sassy pants, I feel like I'm on the precipice of something gigantic. A good gigantic. Like I'm at the peak of a roller coaster that's been building and all fun is about to break lose. It may be the sugar from all the dough I snuck bites of  talking or I may just be on to something.

Midnight marks the first day of the last year of my twenties. This is a thrilling time. The twenties have held soooo much life in them. And at this moment in time (though it does change regularly) I anticipate with joy, what the 30's will hold. I can't just let my twenties go without giving them a proper farewell though.

So, I was thinking, what if we made a list of the things we love about our twenties! The Roaring 20's if you will. Post in the comment box or on my facebook page and I'll compile the best and some of my own onto a Roaring 20's page. And we can celebrate the life of our 20's before going into the Great Depression of our 30's. :) Just kidding! But wouldn't that be fun!

You can tell us, if you're younger, what you anticipate about your 20's (and we'll laugh at you). If you're older tell us what you loved about your 20's (and we'll cry with you). And if you're living in the midst of them this very moment tell us what you love about them (and we'll nod our heads in agreement with you). Married single, mother, childless, man, woman share away. This could be fun aye?

Reality part 2

I typically like to come to the table with more than this, but today I can muster pj's and a robe. I imagine myself being like some of these other blogging women; posting pictures of my cutest new outfit, writing DIY instructions for the most creative thing I'm making, cooking up recipes and sharing them with you here; all while wearing a sweet dress, glorious flats, awesome jewelry, with well groomed hair, and makeup.

I'm a L-O-N-G way off from that today. My hair is in a pony atop my head with wild curls protruding from every direction, I'm considering not even showering, and I've just eaten leftover pizza for breakfast. Ya, not quiet the same as that overactive imagination of mine painted right?

But I laugh none the less, because the reality is that behind these computer screens are real people, with real lives, that can get real crazy and messy. And the reality is that pictures are taken when people are at their finest, some blogs are written in the wee morning hours in pjs with coffee breath, and no one lives a picture perfect life all of the time.

My reality right now is that ; I'm exhausted from the choices others are making that affect lots of little lives, my father is in the ICU, Cheshire Farm is turning into a mad house, and I'm beginning the last year of my 20's which is a daily roller coaster ride of emotions. I have clean laundry in a basket that's been folded but not put away and another load drying that will most likely sit in there for another few days. I have dishes in the sink that have been rinsed but not washed. And my tub, that refuses to drain correctly, has developed a nice thin soap film. Life is messy right now, alright.

But can I tell you something else? All of those things may be a disaster and slightly depressing but sitting in the hospital room with my dad yesterday, we had the best conversation we've had in my near 29 years of existence. We laughed. I cried. We talked about poverty and oppression and for the first time EVER had a similar view. My heart swells with joy just thinking about it. Then while he was resting soundly in his bed, my mom and I had a great discussion about Hebrews as I shared my bible study with her. And in a few moments I'm going to snuggle up with both off them in a cozy hospital room and watch my birthday movie of choice- You've Got Mail.

The dishes will be there when I come back. The laundry can always be wrinkled released. The tub will have to be cleaned another day. And at least I'll wash my face and brush my teeth. The chaos isn't changing any time soon, but moments like these with my parents are few and far between. So I'm going to savor them, even if they're in hospital rooms because well, this IS my reality. 

Reality

I think about this place often. Where I let my fingers wonder wherever my mind may go. And I've been thinking about how much I have neglected it, posting maybe once a month, if I can. My rationale is always that once life calms down a bit I'll be more consistent. :) But here's my reality, that maybe the rest of you have already come to grips with, but I am just coming to, life isn't calming down. Nor is there a foreseeable time in which it will. My reality is a little crazy but these are the days I've been given to live within and if I continue to wait until things are calm or typical I'm realizing I will have waited my life away.

My little spot's name is Life Under Grace not Life Under Control. It's wild, messy, and unpredictable which I'm just kind of resigning myself to love. And therefore resigning myself to write about. The days of having time to ponder things and then actually write about them are few and far between if I can even remember the pontifications.

So tonight I just wanted to tell you to watch out for me..., on the roads..., at night..., when it's raining....  Driving home there were moments of white knuckling the steering wheel praying that God would somehow give me eyes to see the lane before me. I have astigmatism that causes my vision to be completely JACKED UP at night with wet roads. I mean, for all I can tell, that stretch of highway is nothing but a mirror reflecting every light, sign, and drop of rain. Lines, that once in day light gave me clear guidelines as to where to drive, disappear and I'm left to guess where they may be based on the lights ahead of me. It's a crazy world I live in when it's raining at night. Things that used to make sense no longer do. Roads I know, now seem like foreign treacherous places. I told you about the time I flooded my engine by driving into a 2 foot puddle didn't I? Depth perception, also apart of those necessary qualities while driving that I lack due to this condition of mine.

All that to say be praying for the money for me to hire a chauffeur for rainy nights, or pray that God sends some awesome guy with fantastic vision day and night (not night vision cause that would be strange) to drive us home in these events, or encourage me to go ahead and chat with a doctor about getting glasses to help correct it because it's dangerous to me, to you, and to them- whoever they may be.

Over Flowing

I've seen posted all over facebook the countdown of thanks or something like that. I must say honestly I'm often annoyed at the bombarding of my news feed. People whom I rarely keep up with  I'm now privey to knowing what they're thankful for on any given day in November, 2 matching socks, a dog that doesn't shed, whatever the blessing may be.

And yet for the annoyance that it is, I'm also moved by those posts that are genuine and truly grateful, to think about my own blessings. I'm not one to post it daily on facebook but I thought I would post some things I'm thankful for here.

Tonight especially, I am unbelievably thankful for a God who truly does do all things well. A God who knew it would break my heart to leave a place and people I loved dearly but had a new and different work for me to do so moved me to St. Louis. I'm thankful for a God who has lavished His love on me in many ways. One of those ways is in the dear friendships He has given me. I am constantly reminded of His satisfying love because of how well I am loved by my friends. Tonight I stood at my car just talking with a friend about the ins and outs of life and I was struck by not only how well she has cared for and encouraged me but how I genuinely love this sweet friend. I, sadly, often  find that friendships can be lopsided. One friend pursues and loves well while the other just receives often not giving back or not reciprocating equally. I have played both roles in friendships. I feel however God has given me more of a desire to love well and allow others to love me well. It's a rare thing and I treasure it and the opportunities I've been given to practice.
I'm also thankful for a church that was wise enough in its mass to develop house churches so that deep relationships could be formed among members. I'm thankful to have been in a house church that has challenged me, encouraged me, supported me, loved me, cried with me, laughed with me, and taught me. Though bitter sweet, I'm thankful for this very house church that is dividing for the sake of the hostess' sanity, intimate sharing, and growth of the kingdom. Oh, I'm so very thankful for the stability they have provided when my world has been shaken.
I'm so very thankful for my dear family being near and being able to actually be an aunt to my nieces and nephews and a sister to my brother and sister in law. I'm thankful that those words are actually legit and not b.s.! What a transforming work God is able to do! And I'm thankful for it.
I'm thankful for the beautiful home I'm sheltered by this very moment. The car that sits in the driveway, the computer at my fingertips, the phone and ipod at my side, and the food that's in my tummy.
I'm thankful for my job that I adore and am challenged daily to be salt and light in. I'm thankful that God in His mercy has actually made me good at it and enjoy it. I'm thankful for the other believer He has placed to work with me and the laughter that runs throughout every day.
I'm thankful for creativity, words, hot glue, Pintrest, and inspiration. I'm thankful that He uses everything at our hands for His use and His glory.
Tonight, I am thankful.

Beautiful Things

There is an absurd amount of pain, suffering, and darkness in the world. Over the past few months my eyes and heart of have been awakened to it in the form of cancer. There are 3 women,my age,in my life,that are fighting cancer in its various forms and another older and dear aunt wrestling through leukemia. All of this has been very sobering for me and left me avoiding God for fear that He won't answer my questions and in anger at the compromised health of these young, vibrant lives. I came to despise all things beautiful, writing (hence the hiatus from blogging), crafting, singing, organizing (beauty is relative), and spending real time with my God. How I could I even think about much less look at beauty in the midst of so much darkness. My bedtime routine consisted of washing my face, brushing my teeth, and crying my self to sleep. I was broken. I am broken.

I'm confused with a myriad of questions followed by a myriad of biblical answers but forever finding the questioning spirit still there. I'm overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and yet feeling the comfort and confidence that only the Spirit brings. And then I'm reminded that I don't have cancer, that this wide pendulum of emotions I'm experiencing is also what my sweet sisters are experiencing while also fighting for their lives. And I'm brought to tears when I think my tear ducts have forever dried up.

I have had the completely divine opportunity though to see these woman in the face of death to become the women God has ordained them to be. One, who is filled with hope beyond measure, not in her circumstances but in her God and His ability to sustain her in life or in death. One whose encouraging spirit has only grown and has a joy about her that is tangible. And another, who once was far off, has drawn near to the Father and is a prayer warrior for others. He truly does turn our ashes into beauty.

I was listening to this song today that says, "You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust." And it got me thinking about dust and ash. Those little particles that float around us were once apart of a greater whole. Whether it was once apart of volcanic rock that was spewed, or a plant that shed, or human skin that has flaked, or pollutants in the air all of it was once apart of something larger. That thing had to be broken, crushed, or even die to become dust. The Lord takes our dust, those broken, crushed, dead places in us and makes beautiful things.

In hearing that song, and thinking about the beauty that has come from the crushing blow of cancer from these women, I am encouraged and inspired and hopeful again. He makes beautiful things. And I want to too. I want to write to lead others to see the beauty that is in Living. I want to make beautiful accessories and crafts to adorn sick bodies and bald heads. I want to laugh at the days to come for I know that in each one, life or death, He will make things beautiful, of this I am sure.



Nope

So I started writing a post that was my attempt to explain the changes I've seen in myself recently but my words were muddled and didn't come close to what I actually wanted to say. Really the only thing that comes close to what I want to say in its simplest form is

I'm Happy.

It's the most amazing thing. I have a job that I love, hobbies I'm growing into, all of my family is near enough that I can hug and kiss them as much as I want. I have an amazing church that continues to reshape my skewed image of God. I'm apart of a bible study that holds me accountable to my own individual growth in the Lord while also challenging me in the leadership role He has placed me in. I have been blessed to have friends that I still keep up with from high school and from college. I have the privilege to make new friends in adulthood that I love and cherish deeply. I feel needed and valued. 

It's no surprise to you, I'm sure, that the tears are streaming down my face as I write this. But I just think of the deep valleys My God has brought me through. The uncertainties, the loss of hope, and for moments the loss of a will to live. Y'all it got bad. But I just have to tell you how in awe I am right now that this overflowing spring in me is happiness, is freedom, is restoration. 

I was asked Sunday by a person who I'm confident meant well, how things were going immediately followed by "any man?".  I was a little shocked at how little I had to say about the matter, nope. There is so much other amazing stuff going on in my life that I didn't even feel the need to qualify my "nope". I allowed it to stand out there on its own. Nope.

I'm single (not that I would mind being in a relationship if the right guy asked). I have no children though my womb and heart ache to love on my own little one. I live in someone else's house. I'm a teacher who has taken the position of a T.A. and I am happy. The happiest I've been in a long time.

I know that His goal is not my happiness but my holiness so what a sweet bonus that He has taken into consideration my happiness and given me these moments. He is true to His promise to me through His word that He will restore the years the locust have eaten. (Joel 2:25)

This song, though meant for the luvas,

kind of is exactly how I feel.

A Day of Autumn

Today is the first full day of Autumn and I felt every bit of it. I participate in this day the way people get amped up and dress out for Cardinals' opening day. I dreamed last night of dancing in falling leaves, purposely rolling my bike along the the side of the road just to hear the crunch. I dreamed of driving through the mountains with every tree being more brilliant than the last. Of long talks and hot drinks. I love Autumn. So, when my alarm went off this morning at 6:00 a.m.. I gladly woke and began my day.

I of course already had the outfit laid out; well the bottom portion at least. Whatever I wore I knew it would consist of the brown lace skirt and the boots. Anything else would simply be a bonus. So a fitted sweatshirt over a lace cami would have to do. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a staple outfit for me in the time ahead. None the less, today was a celebration so it called for a flower in the hair of course. And it was just nippie enough that a scarf had to accompany it. A quick change of purses and the outfit was together. I stepped into the air of Autumn. I love that first deep breath.

I love my drive to work. The roads leave the towering buildings in my rear view mirror, but ahead are nothing but cliffs and trees. It is beautiful. Everyday I get to see the leaves change a little bit more. This week though a fog has settled over some low lying areas of my commute. And though I know it's dangerous for drivers, I get lost in the romance of it. I always imagine my modern Mr. Darcy breaking through it to come to me. Always. 

Today I had the joy of stopping by the grocery to pick up some things to make pumpkin muffins with the kids. Though they didn't have hot coffee I got myself a Starbucks drink and a Heath Bar for later, because for me if there's a candy that says happiness in Fall it's candy with toffee. Yes, please. (Sidebar: I literally just remembered that Heath Bar still in my purse, yay for not letting food consume my thoughts!)

To every person I crossed paths with I smiled and said Happy Autumn. I drank my coffee. We ate our muffins. We had a dance party at the end of the day. And life is as it should be.

Tomorrow after the Cards/Cubs game I'll put my Fall decorations up, drink some cider, and pull out my warmer wardrobe, craft, read, and of course pop in You've Got Mail. I love Autumn.

At The Pump

I hope that where you are gas prices are dropping. Today I found a spot that was $2.98! Miracle of miracles. So I of course stopped by after work.

Pulling up I saw this woman hopping from car to car. She eventually swung by mine as I had my card out ready to swipe. "Do you happen to have a dollar?" she asked. I smiled politely and said no cause I didn't. The lady on the back of my pump poked her head around frown smiling. <----- does that make sense? Like that look of fake sympathy. "Poor girl," the woman said. I continued pumping my gas, watching this lady flutter about collecting dollars. I wondered what she was collecting money for. My imagination swirled. But then I thought of my own situation but months ago, when I too would have been desperate enough to wander about a gas station asking for dollars.

 And it was then that gas started to pour onto my foot. I had heard the clicking sound, but I had also seen the price and the two didn't reconcile in my mind. Surely I needed to pump more, I hadn't paid this little in quite a long time. So instinctively I continued to pump, but even as I felt the gas dripping on my foot I was reminded of how the Lord has provided. Much like I was flooding my car with gas, God has flooded me with His mercy and His faithfulness. Corny? That's ok, cause it was a moment for me. A moment for me to remember. To remember my own desperation needing so much more than a dollar. And God's generosity of giving this "poor girl" SO much more than a dollar.

from the slow moving hands of the pooped

I am so pooped. These are long days I'm living over here, but I LOVE most every bit of them.

So there were just a few things I wanted to tell you before my head hit the pillow. Remember how my computer is broken and I was borrowing the computer from the woman I live with? Well, luck of all luck, the computer screen broke. Like, shattered, brilliant colors splayed across the screen but impossible to actually see anything broken. Hence why I haven't posted anything in a few days and you know, that whole being pooped thing! But just tonight I mentioned to a friend my delima and wouldn't you know she was like hey borrow this computer we have just lying around! Don't mind if I do friend! So a big shout out to Stina and understanding how much I both need and love this blog (and Pinterest!). Thank you!

Of course during those few days without a computer is the time that I have the most ideas of what to write on here. I always remind myself to write it down so I won't forget, but then I inevitably forget to remind myself and the ideas are lost. Right now even searching around in my memory I vaguely remember something about animals, but vaguely remembering won't exactly be the most thrilling reading you've ever come across!

I'm in an Adele mood, not that's there's much difference between that and my normal mood, so I went to my "Someone Like You" Pandora station. I think I lose the mood as I start clicking those songs I like. Somehow I've gone from Adele, to Sinatra, Dean Martin, Otis Bedding, and now Nat King Cole singing in a language I don't understand. Whatever forlornness was there is now simply replaced with confusion. I guess maybe it's for the best, who needs to dream of unrequited love in English. Not I!

And lastly I have to tell you that on my Tuesday Thrifting I got a sweet little locket necklace that I'll be doting around, so go ahead and ask me about it. :) I also got a Banana Republic purse, brand new brown wedges, and a sweatshirt dress that is FAR cuter than it sounds and cuter than frumping around in a sweatshirt, but just as comfy!

Autumn Prep

Today was a terribly rainy day. The kind that makes you drive slowly AND move slowly, specifically when you walk by your bedroom. Debating whether or not to just rest your eyes for a minute. One of those kind of rainy days. My debate lasted about 2 seconds before I caved and nestled into my now ready for fall bed.

Do you change your bedding in preparation for cooler temps?

I add a creamy white fleece blanket and another brown fleece sandwiching the sheet so I get weight and warmth. Oh my goodness it's heaven! Are you a weight lover? I've had this discussion with others before and I didn't realize not everyone enjoys feeling the heaviness of things on them sometimes. Clearly I'm a person with some extra sensory needs. In dog piles I would gladly take the bottom spot just so I could feel the weight of others piling on. During massages one of my favorite parts is when they put the weighted warm blanket on your back. But when I don't have that sensory need, which is rare, the things surrounding me better be light as a feather but as soft as a cactus. I can't stand the touch of things too soft, like those baby blankets. Yeah, they make me cringe. Oh, sensory needs. So interesting, but I digress. 

So, I'm up right now due to a combination of things. One, I drank a cup of green tea around 10. Mistake. But to my advantage, I finished a load of laundry and began folding it only to stumble upon stain upon grease stain. A tube of my favorite lip gloss slipped into the laundry without me noticing, took off its lid and spilled its content all over my clothing. I don't know if you've ever had to deal with that kind of stain but it is a process, let me tell you! So, I'm now up, waiting to see the product of my efforts of scrubbing with a toothbrush and various products.

Besides this sad little incident this weekend was pretty fantastic. I spent all of it pretending I was a cowgirl and living in my boots. I only took them off to sleep. I love how I look and feel in boots. I may have just started a bit of an obsession for myself, especially for this fall. Oh, boots!

Source: polyvore.com via Angie on Pinterest

these are a few of my favorite things

I adore hanging out with this little guy and his mommy and daddy. I got to do just that minus his daddy today after a day of long meetings. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Though Fall for me is the beginning of normal schedules and the business of life, I also feel like it's a perfect time to slow down and cuddle with those you love. So we did that on this cool end of summer day. He, with runny nose and pajamas, picked out a book, crawled up on my lap, and snugglebugged with me in the kitchen as his momma cooked. We listened to music and he listened to us talk. I love how he shakes his head practicing active listening skills. The kid's brilliant. I may be biased a bit.

He is one of the most precious things in my world and I look forward to more snuggles with him before he's too big and despises the snugglebug. He'll be snuggling with someone else tomorrow though as he watches the Balloon Glow at Forest Park. I love St. Louis in the fall.

I'm also thrilled to bits about Greentree Festival this weekend. If you have time Saturday, swing on by Kirkwood and check it out. Christmas is closer than you realize and who couldn't always use a new piece for their jewelry collection. I'll be there selling some goodies (booth # 203) made by the beautiful hands of the women of Forai. I know they would love your support and I would love to tell you all about the sweet ministry of Forai.

Rainy Day Boots

                                            

It rained a-l-l day.

On any given day off

I would welcome the rain.

But today was not a day off.

Today I had to work.

I stared longingly outside,

wishing I could cuddle up with

The Help and some tea.

Wishing I could get out some cute rain boots

and stomp around a bit.

But alas, I was at that job

that I love.

Note:

For those of you that know me, I'm sure you've heard my rantings of movies or books being "too popular" for me to engage with. So you might be asking yourself about The Help as it is kind of a big thing right now. Here's my justification; I wanted to read it. Yep, that's it. Also, another side note. I don't own any rain boots. I think this calls for a casual shopping trip, yes? 

Tuesday Thrifties {things you should know about me}

A few things you should know about me.

I, more frequently than I'd care to admit, get so tickled sometimes I almost wet myself.

So tonight when a friend was telling me about the matching tennis shoes his girlfriend and he got and the matching velour suits that were bound to come at some point, you can imagine (or maybe you can't from that vague description of the convo.) I was laughing pretty hard with the imagery painted in my mind. I proudly say though, that my bladder and I held it together. Amigos!

You should also know that I ride a pendulum that swings, sometimes violently between laziness and perfection. Oddly enough I am a self labeled perfectionist that often quits at projects because of the fear of failure, therefore ruining my "perfect" image. Oh the pendulum rides I take sometimes! None the less, I feel it. I feel it swinging back up to perfection. I have all of these grand plans stirring around in my mind, all of these ideas, and dreams. All of these things I want to pursue coupled with the sobering reality of life around me right now.

I have 2 friends, my age, in the hospital right now. One fighting leukemia, the other a rare cancer. These are weighty words that came crashing down on me over the previous weekends. And I feel it. I feel myself seeing the uncontrollable circumstances they are in and so I'm grasping at straws to gain some kind of control in my own life. Jumping back into the vegetarian seat I let my legs drape out of as I enjoyed Chick-Fil-A. Nope, no more. I have to get this weight off. I have to do whatever is within my power to stave off cancer. See what I want and try to do it all. Sign me up. So what if I only get 5-6 hours of sleep. I'm going to be what they think I am; Martha Stewart. I bet Martha and MidWest Martha don't need 6 or more hours of sleep. Craft it? I will. Blog it? I will. Be the best at everything? It's a challenging job, but someone's got to do it. Right....?

Wrong. And I know that I'm wrong. So, yet again I'm trying to  find a balance instead of the violent swinging.

I took a run through the woods today and I'm thinking I love that! Nothing makes running slightly more entertaining than hurdling overgrowth, avoiding swampy waters, and keeping an eye out for the unexpected log. I'm thinking maybe I should have thought about that cross country thing years ago. I anticipate doing it again tomorrow when it's only 70 degrees. It's gonna be awesome, I can tell.

I've also decided to make Tuesdays my thrifting days, but as I walked into Goodwill I considered making a calendar of when certain thrift stores have certain sales and shopping accordingly. That's my OCD rearing it's head. I'm just going to stick with Tuesdays. Today I walked out with black khakis, black flats, and a pair of scissors. All for $10! The scissors I just actually borrowed because I needed to cut the paper off of my newly purchased tennis racket. That's right! If I'm going to be an athlete, I'll need some equipment, even if it's the cheap stuff.

I didn't want to pull up to my tennis lesson tonight with my friend with it still in the packaging. Lame. Pishaw! So I cut it off and am now scooting out the door to get some lessons.

Found any great deals at your favorite thrift store recently?

Tell me.

And while we're at it, if you're local, where do you go?

I'm always looking to expand.  

***

Here's a little project I want to try

with some thrift store

goodies.

Source: maryjanesandgaloshes.com via Angie on Pinterest

he knows every hair on my head and today he knows there's less

This hair was meant to be touched.

I work at a school for the severe and profoundly disabled. It's guaranteed that each day will be an adventure. It's a strong possibility I will come home with a new bruise, scratch, or hilarious story. I love it. Today, however was not one of those I love it days. Today was a day packed full of  "What the whats" and the like. As I was beginning to play a game today I was grabbed by the hair, a good gripper if I might say myself, and completely silenced in fear. I heard in my mind the tinkling music that would be played in a scene like this in a movie, where things in an instant changed from fun loving to dangerous. As I lay, torso sprawled on the desk,  I whispered, please let go as it was yanked harder. Feeling as though the skin I've come to love protecting my skull, nerves, and things might begin to tear at any moment I quietly asked the other person in the room nearby watching helplessly to press the button and call for support. Just as the intercom clicked off and I heard the steps of quick approaching feet my hair was released, I gathered my things, went back to the room I was originally working in and continued my task as though nothing had happened. I had other students to work with. But as the calm that had flooded me at first grab began to fade, and the reality of the situation that just occurred and the pain I just began to feel replaced it, the tears began to flow. I excused myself to the solitary restroom and balled.

I cried over the pain and the fear.

I cried over the job, that this is the norm.

And I cried over the students; some of them simply people who have strong emotions but lack a positive way to express it.  

The day continued from there with all the craziness that can happen in a day here. It's just the norm and you move on. I once asked myself why everyone doesn't do this work. I think I'm beginning to understand that maybe this is a gift that the Lord has given me  for this time. That somehow, by His grace, I'm able to go home after a day like today, put a flower bow in my hair to tame the now frizzed parts and keep stepping. I love this job, I love my students, I dearly love my coworkers, but man is it WILD!

**********

On a lighter note:

BSF started tonight and besides my forgetfulness (we'll chalk it up to the hair pulling) it was a GREAT evening. It's gonna be such a good study. You should come!

I'm officially calling The Pioneer Woman, The Midwest Martha Stewart. It's true, right! Maybe I'll shorten it to Midwest Martha.

I myself was called Martha Stewart at school today. This was not the first time and in my little fantasy world, I'm beginning to believe I am. (Though in all honesty I am nowhere near her!)

I almost peed myself laughing tonight. Thanks Tommy.

{this 4 letter word called life}

On a whim I visited a church on Saturday evening. As luck would have it, there was a bbq afterwards. I found a group of people who seemed as non-threatening as possible and settled there for the evening. As I threw my trash away and came back to my group I looked around realizing I was in a group of all men. Somehow, I found myself encircled by all but 1 single men at church on a Saturday evening. I don't know if this happens to you on the regular but for me, it does not. Not Ever. EVER. So, having better judgement than I normally do I gracefully bowed out knowing that if I stayed any longer, having realized my situation, I would begin rambling eventually making a fool of myself. I walked away confidently giddy that I had just found myself surrounded by men! ;)

Throughout the entire weekend I found myself being complimented, on my creativity, my weight loss, my style sense. Do you ever just need these times? Times of people taking notice. Not that I would consider myself vain, but I need assurances from others time to time in various areas, encouragements, compliments. It's not as though throughout my days I hear a constant barrage of negative comments from others in these areas. In fact, on the regular I hear nothing at all. But maybe that's because I'm fixated on the barrage of negative comments coming from my own self. I cannot tell you how many times in a day I belittle my own self, my own ideas, my own opinions. It's a battlefield over here with me, myself, and I. Most times I'm totally unaware of it until I find myself in a funk for no apparent reason. When taking time to process I can understand the funk because I've been listening to my unkind self talk for days and have begun to believe it. For a moment in that group of men that voice was blocked out and I was free to be me, without reserve for fear that I may not seem "marriage material",  without looking at each of them through my own "marriage material" lens. Just me. Just them.

So this evening I'm quiet and reflective. Thinking about life, the shortness of it, all the tragedy that comes through it, yet all the joy that is meant to be lived in it. There are moments in our lives that are sobering, tonight I think of September 11, 2001 of course, my own near death car accident in 2006, and I think of friends whose lives have recently been radically rocked forever with the news of cancer in their young bodies. Sobering. Life. Life is messy and incalculable. It is full of the unexpected when we continue to plan for what we presume to be the expected. So tonight I'm thinking there's just not enough time. Not enough time to fill my mind with all the can'ts, won'ts, nevers. There's not enough time in this 4 letter word called life to listen to my own rage and bitterness, mockery and self-defeat. There is still life to live. Life to be had. Life to dream up and pursue without the nagging voice of negativity.  

So this September 11th, I remember and am reminded that life is still mine to live.

*I remember being in my dorm room asleep 10 years ago today. A freshman in college with no early morning classes that day. A girl on the hall came in to wake me to tell me the 1st tower had just been struck in New York. I was so confused, feeling as though I had just woken up in someone elses' life. I live in America. Things like this don't happen here. She left and still completely confused I laid back down trying to process what I had just been told. There was so much commotion in the hall I realized this had to be for real. I opened my door to find girls racing up the stairs to get to the t.v. and on their cell phones. I meandered up as well still fuzzy about the whole thing. As I sat down in the silently hysterical room we watched as the rest of the events occurred. The second plane hitting the 2nd tower. The Pentagon. We watched on, helpless and horrified, fearful and perplexed. A stream of emotions felt so deeply that day, that even today as I write, even now, I remember and shudder. I remember walking ground zero the following year, ash and memorials crowding  the sidewalks. A sight I wouldn't have ever in my wildest imagination created as stood in the very same spot the summer of 2001. I remember. In a moment, everything about the world as I knew it was different and I remember.      

Foxes n Heels

I hope that where ever you are, today was as gorgeous for you as it was for me. It could not have been any better. Clear blue skies, a chill in the air with the hint of fall sprinkled in. Too good. So what better thing to do then enjoy it. I imagined my way through the work day, dreaming of the things I would do when I left. I'd go to the park and take a walk since I'd been using the heat as my excuse to not exercise out of doors. I'd go to the library and get some brilliant book that I could get lost in. And then, a little too late but just fine because it's almost autumn and the rules can be bent a bit, I'd get some deliciously healthy dinner and cozy up with my book. Doesn't that sound so wonderfully perfect? It does, but my plan was already sabotaged over the weekend.

This weekend I went to the country house, without a camera of course! My dear friend Kate's family has this house in my favorite memory of the country. Once, when I was apart of a traveling drama team in college we stayed at this gorgeous home on a farm that had all of these animals. It was because of this experience that I could ever imagine myself as some real country girl. I'm not, but I could imagine it. We'll the country house was just on the other side of the river from my memory. There were horses and cows, deer, and fish, rafts and the river. It was glorious! Perfect weather, perfect friends, and the perfect little setting. However, my not actually being a country girl or maybe just a coordinated girl did not fair well for me on the river. To save the story for another time I'll just tell you that I left the country house completely exhausted and sore as all get out only to get to return to work the very next day, today.

I, sadly, was a zombie today. I'm not sure that I could actually tell you much of what happened or who was there. I was sleepy. Really sleepy. So instead of cruising on to my awesome plans I decided a nap would be better. Then I could do all the awesomeness lined up for me. I set my alarm for 5 and was up at 6:50. I'm not sure how I do it but I'm quite skilled at ignoring or dismissing the alarm. I still wanted my dream evening to work out so I scrambled to the park. The sun was beginning to set so I knew I wouldn't be taking any long paths into the woods. So I more sauntered on my little path, looking at the trees, shoving my head phones into my pocket choosing the natural playlist already engulfing me. I passed readers, athletes, Mormon mommies, and old folks. A baby fox and I played what he probably thought was peek-a-boo. Whereas I was playing I'm-keeping-an-eye-on-you. I kept envisioning turning my head for one minute and him coming to swipe me out at the ankles. Whatever. I'm glad I have an imagination.

I took the long way to the library. Choosing the back curvy roads, lined with mansions whose costs are unspeakable. I stared, as much as I could while still remaining safe on the road, at the house of my dreams. A white 2 story, with southern charm. A sweet wrap around porch, with a second floor balcony complete with 2 white rocking chairs, ceiling fan, and a view of the expansive park. A cute little family played basketball in front of the garage while I pined away alone in my little car. *sigh* Someday. Well, maybe not someday for that exact picture but someday for the warmth that scene brought to my heart. Someday. Walking into the library, to what should my searching eyes rest on but Ree Drummond's book Black Heels to Tractor Wheels. Who's Ree Drummond you ask. Maybe you know her better as The Pioneer Woman. If you've not yet heard of her, continue to claw your way out from underneath that rock and fall in love with her sassy personality and heart stopping kitchen creativity over at her blog. You'll not regret it!

Then on the heels of 9o'clock I swung by Qdoba because it sounded tasty and I have a rewards card with them. If I'm going to eat out I might as well be rewarded for it right? I chose the vegetarian option, light on the dairy. He told me as he wrapped my bulging burrito that there was a slight tear. He asked if I wanted him to re-wrap it. When they ask you if you want it re-wrapped say yes. Always say yes. For if you don't and you chose, out of hunger  and fear of eating after 9, to eat the massive burrito while driving you will have the death of that burrito all over the front of your shirt and the seat of your car. Pulling into my driveway I emptied the rest of that burrito into the bag it came in sufficing to just eat the tortilla. Trying to find some way to walk into my house without exposing the murder scene on my shirt the bag tore and the burrito remnants fell on to the door step. As I was trying to pick them up and fling them elsewhere I dropped my keys and the book into the mess and the door opened. The Man I Live With (there's not a shortcut around explaining them so I will just say I live with a family and they will be referred to as The Family I Live With, I'm not actually just living with a dude.) stood there peering down at my disaster. His words of comfort were that the dogs would get it. I scrambled inside and soaked my bean drenched shirt.
 So, though, it didn't turn out quite like I expected I did have my glorious evening and feel like tomorrow I just be coherent enough to have another splendid evening!

What are you most excited for

with Autumn approaching?   

A Martha

Today I was called a Martha. Before you start to think of me as holy I must tell you they were referring to Martha Stewart and I could not be happier. TODAY I WAS CALLED A MARTHA! It was a combination of things that brought on this compliment. The precise organization of my own desk. My slight obsession with organizing the supply closet, the cabinets, counters, and chairs. It was also the making of my jersey necklaces and turning the scraps into a flower broach. I'm sure my everyday cardigan wearing played a role. As well as my suggestion that we teach the kids how to make owl cupcakes for the fall. A Martha? For all the right reasons, I'll take it.

But speaking of fall, tomorrow is September 1st and I could not be more excited! Autumn is coming! Just saying September makes me want to light up a few warm candles, throw on a light sweater, crunch through the leaves, listen to bluegrass, and drink apple cider while crafting or reading some delightful book. Alas, it was 104 when I got into my car today. 104! Oh August, you never cease to amaze me. None the less, this weekend I'm going to The Country House with friends, which I feel has the potential to only make me desire the onset of Autumn further still. We'll chat and laugh, create, and relax while the men do their thing. There's sure to be floating and swimming in the river, roasting s'mores, and catching up. Doesn't it sound lovely? Yes, yes it does. You don't even have to say it I already know.

I hope you have an extended weekend filled with all the yumminess of life that you enjoy!

27th day of August

Dear Friends,
You are the sweetest! Thank you for your sweet words, missing my blog :) That puts such a smile on this face, that not only do you read it, but you miss it when I'm not writing. Dear to my heart! Thank you. Today, I have hijacked a friends computer for a few hours to write a few words to you and of course catch up on Pintrest. It's like a friend I haven't seen in ages. We pick up right where we left off, as though no time has passed at all. That's right, I'm swooning over blogs and pins. It's the little things these days.

I had so many fun things I wanted to tell you but I'm listening to The Civil Wars and they have pushed out all those fun things with such contemplative thoughts and dreamings. They are some of my new favorites. Ever needing a folksy romantic fix they are the ticket!

Alright, so to spare you from the novel I could write about my life right now I will tell you 27 things, because it's the 27th day of August and that's good enough for me.

27. I had an odd sushi roll yesterday. Sweet potato and avocado. I was expecting those ingredients alone, you now like a PB&J sushi roll only has PB&J. This came with rice. Surprisingly delish!

26. I got said sushi roll because I'm now a vegetarian. Apparently an odd vegetarian because I don't like spicy stuff but restaurants tend not to make non spicy veggie things.  (insert Debbie Downer sound effect here.)

25. I considered being vegan but then went to Jilly's Cupcake Bar and had a Space Monkey. I'm pretty committed to eating cream cheese for the rest of my life. If you haven't been to Jilly's, and I mean the actual shop, not just a place that sells her yummy products, you must go! She came in third place on Food Network's Cupcake Wars and she's right here in St. Louis!

24.  My parents recently renewed their vows, which I was elected the planner of. I had to Google vow renewal etiquette cause I'd never attended one, much less planned it-- not much help as the general rule is there are no rules. It was a hit and made me question a bit why I didn't go the event planner route.

23. I've been helping to lead worship at my church recently. It feels like home, church, not the singing, I still want to vomit a bit before I sing each Sunday.

22. I've lived in St. Louis an entire 2 years and 6 days as an adult! And I can honestly say I LOVE IT~!! Who would have ever guessed?

21. I worked at the Jewish Community Center this summer. No, I am not Jewish. No, you do not have to be Jewish to work or work out there.

20. But I did find that the J (the cool name) is the place to meet attractive single men! Yowzers. It was a good summer. ;)

19. I'm still single.... so clearly it's a good place to meet them but anything beyond that is beyond me. Oh my curse blessing!

18. I'm coming into my own, style wise. I used to buy things that were just ok because I'm a bigger girl and what hope did I have of finding clothing that I actually enjoyed and looked GOOD in? Well, daggum, that phase is over and I'm committed to looking and feeling good in what I wear!

17. So in that respect I got myself two hot-to-trot dresses that I adore and look quiet fabulous in! Now, I just need some places to wear them to. Maybe not anymore weddings cause I'm kind of tired of looking so awesome at weddings where there are no single men.

16. To my married friends: get some male single friends and hook a sister up. Not even friendS, just A friend. sheesh. ;) I kid. I kid. kind of.

15. I lost 21 pds. this summer. Between the never ending heat wave and being out in it the whole time, being vegetarianish, and having a free membership my odds were pretty good.

14. I may have gained it all back because of my refound love of Chick-Fil-A! I know this is counter vegetarian, but when a girl needs meat what better establishment to go to than one that openly promotes Christ and has DELICIOUS food. I'm just saying, when I put chicken on a bun with a few pickles it doesn't taste nearly as good.

13. I finally made a jersey braided necklace and scarf! It's been on my mental crafting checklist for a while now.

12. I went solo to a crafters event in a mall! I don't know if I've told you but I abhor malls to the very fiber of my being. Which could explain why I've still never been to Charming Charlie's which I hear will be my nirvana if ever we meet.

11. I've been crooning Adele's newest album 21. (Side note: does anyone know why she's numbering her albums, are they symbolic or random?) For a minute I thought she had crept into my internal monologues, alas she did not.

10.   In a delusional fit I cut my own bangs. The original product looked like a mullet but with a little finesse they look intentional and edgy!

9. I'm about 2 seconds away from a new tattoo. Not that I've been thinking about it for 2 seconds. I've been thinking about it for 3 years. It's time.

8. I'll have to be careful about the timing of said tattoo because of MY NEW FULL TIME JOB working with students with severe special needs and the likelihood of being slapped or bitten near the tender art.


6. My computer is broken. I feel at any moment my car is going to fall apart, as well, on the highway, tires rolling every which way, hood smoking, the whole nine yards. It will of course wait another few months when I will be finished paying for it and warranty expired.

5. I tried to reconcile a broken friendship only to find out reconciliation is messy and my worst imagining didn't come close to what actually happened. Heart breaking, I know.

4. BSF starts back in a few weeks and I could not be more thrilled to be studying Acts. Want to come? You totally should!

3. My brother and his family live with my parents now. It is soooo sweet to have them near.

2. I'm planning a trip to London next summer to potentially help in opening an Asha Shop. :)

1. I am loving being creative! Between Forai, my amazingly talented friends, and my own motivation, I've got thoughts a'stirrin and I am excited!

And so, that's me in a nut shell right now. 27 things for 27 days of August. I hope you are well, that your summer was fantastic, and that you are living in joy right now!

I Miss You!

You're still here! Thank you. I was just doing a little check of the site and saw that you are still visiting, catching up on your summer reading I imagine. Well, thank you. The computer is still dead with little hope of revival and the possibility of gettig a new one seems distant. So, in the mean time I'll stalk myself through this little device I'm so greatful for. I miss this and I miss you.

Remember When?

Hey, so do you remember when I used to blog? You remember, back when my computer worked? Well, I feel like that's been ages ago. I justed wanted to at least pop in via itouch and let y'all know I'm alive, but my computer isn't. Be praying for that, as this blog is such a fun outlet for me and I hope for you. Hope you're well and enjoying summer! Hopefully talk to you soon!
~ angielee

{The Great Divide} talking about what we don't talk about

I'm presuming there are not a lot of men who visit this little world of mine. In fact I only know of one who has me in his Google Reader (or maybe HAD me there :) Thanks Jay!)
So what better platform to have a bit of a gripe about what awesome single ladies gripe about occasionally to close friends or acquaintances or in my case total strangers... our singleness and the lack of control we have over it.

So, recently I've had the privilege to speak with several a single lady who are baffled like me by the state of too many lovely christian women. I read a while ago there are people who are single for a reason and people who are single for a season. Despite either of these two logic's the alarming truth is that there are an astounding number of women who desire to be married, to raise children, are of a reasonable age and are AMAZING. I'm not just talking like hey I'm cool "amazing" but like hey I'm COOL, I LOVE Jesus, I'm about the work of HIS Kingdom, and I'm gonna do this thing with our without a husband kind of AMAZING.

But what IS lacking is AMAZING men to come along side these women. Don't get me wrong, there are guys out there. That's not the problem. The problem is these AMAY-ZA-ZING  women don't just want some guy. They want a man. Can I just include myself in there? I mean I like to think of myself as pretty amay-za-zing as well. WE want a man. Stop me if I'm wrong.

I'm not expecting this man to be the best at everything or at anything. I'm expecting, and I assume I'm not alone in this, a man to love Jesus, to be committed to His Kingdom, and his purpose within the Kingdom. I'm expecting that he be apart of the Church and his church. These are foundational things. Anything outside of this is preference and is debatable.

So... what's up? For realsies? Cause I'm not seeing that this list is something insurmountable. But what I do see are churches or organizations filled with women, sprinkled with men, and many a man not willing, interested, or motivated to ask a lady out. I understand there is fear of rejection. Risk. Whatever else may be a hindrance. But men this is your biblical role, to initiate, to pursue, to risk the rejection, or maybe just maybe hear a resounding YES.

I know once there used to be a stigma maybe with dorkier, shyer, socially awkward men versus the smooth, popular guy. But men, can I just give you some encouragement if you're still reading this, nearly ALL of my friends, who are AMAZING, have said they prefer the shyer, dorkier, socially awkward men! No joke. You are not the underdog anymore, so stop behaving like it. Put on the pants that are rightfully yours, pray, and pursue. Yes, you may get rejected. Yes, it may hurt a bit. But you also might find an AMAY-ZA-ZING jewel.

And to my dear ladies, myself included, I think Oswald Chambers said it best " If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man can ever be- absolutely right. Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else." Our trust, hope, and desires cannot be wrapped up in man, for they will always disappoint and we will always disappoint them. But who we continue to trust in, look towards, and lean on is Christ. The One who never disappoints and indeed is shaping you into the amazing women you are.

I pray for our hope and strength to be found in Him. And I pray that our focus would be on the grand purposes He has set aside for you to do in the area He has placed you even now.

Home

Hello! Hola! Bonjour! My word it's been awhile. How are you? Anything new in your world?

I feel as though everything is new in mine. With the move that's less than 20 minutes from where I grew up and spent the past 2 years I feel like I'm in a totally different city. It's as though I'm living in Texas, specifically Plano. Every thing is so much more grandiose and extravagant. I'm taking roads I've never been on before, which you know is one of my favorite things, but it's strange because this is my town. I should know these roads. Instead, I'm driving with friends as a passenger just so I can acquaint myself with my surroundings, learn these new winding roads, and read sign after sign, another favorite past time. Are you the sign reader in the car? Every car has one and in mine it's me. It's a whole new side to St. Louis. One that I avoided frequently because well, I often don't feel like I belong in the environment.

I've moved to Town & Country, which is just that; both town and country. It's a sweet area of St. Louis that bustles with city life and nature. It holds some of the most expensive homes I've seen in real life and lil ole me is now living there. I really wrestled with the move, because of my insecurities but also because of my own bias towards the rich. So as I settled in to the new digs and adjusted to the new family I asked God why in the world He would move me out here. For the path that I saw for myself, this move was in the opposite direction. As Jeane and I drove, exploring the new surroundings we came across some interesting places that confirmed in my heart my purpose for this time.

Within but a 10 mile (+ or -) radius of my new home there is a Mormon Temple, a church of Christian Scientology, a Hindu Temple, and an Islamic Temple. Immediately there came to mind the verse about it being easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. Christianity, following Christ, is the only religion that requires a humbling of self, a giving up of ALL idols for the sake of The One King and His One Kingdom. All other beliefs are false and do not lead to everlasting abundant life. So, my conviction, after seeing these dear places is to pray for them and the various people that are associated with their false teachings.

A day is coming when no more will my prayers be heard by the Father because the eternal fate of the lost will be sealed. But, until that day, my heart and mouth will plead the cause of these people, that God, Jehovah, may be merciful in giving them time to see the error of their ways, to repent, and to draw near and live out the truth of The Gospel.

I thank God that He has brought me to this place, where I can swim, listen to cicadas and church bells, watch deer graze, and enjoy life. I thank God that I'm no further from my own church that challenges me to not get wrapped up in the things of this life and my own longings but pushes me to care more for Him and His Kingdom purposes. I thank God that He has placed me right here, right now, for such a time as this. And I thank God that He still hears the prayers of His people and acts on their behalf.

For His glory and His fame in this new place I now call home.

Dancing In The Streets

Today driving to work I noticed the elegance and balance it takes to drive down the highway between these little lines we call lanes. Today, maybe it was the shining sun or the beautiful breeze but I was feeling whimsical. As I watched these cars float by me I just thought about how much this driving thing is like a dance. There are some people who know what they're doing in their dance shoes, others who are totally uncomfortable. There are some who keep beat, those who are a little spastic zipping and racing around the floor, and those that are slow and off beat. There are times when toes get stepped on or bums get bumped and cause a jam but the dance goes on.
Just my little thoughts from my pleasant dance to work this morning.

But for real, I'd like to go dancing sometime soon (cough, cough, this weekend). A little rump shaking, a little fox trot, a little ball change, maybe some salsa, and a lot of fun.

What are your plans for

the weekend?

Any dancing involved?

Cause you know...

Nobody

puts

baby

in

a

corner 

!

Favorites

My friends. I went to another craft show on Saturday (AHHHHHH!!! LOVE). My heart soars. MY HEART SOARS!!! So I just wanted to show you two of my faves.

It was a rainy, kind of icks day for an outdoor craft show so there weren't as many vendors there. However the one that sent me over board in giddiness at the last show at Oak Knoll was there. I nabbed a card and can show you her stuff!

I have to tell you, when I was in high school I used to wear thrift store bought ties around my head as head bands. I loved it, minus the having to retie it because, well ties weren't meant for heads. SO, Buffalo Blue has solved my dilemma! Yippie!

Then, I found Cristin Rae, who is the cutest, sweetest, and talented BELIEVER. I LOVED all of her stuff. So, I bought a sweet flower clip and rocked it all day yesterday. I got lots o'compliments!

Like Cristin Rae's stuff?

You can get 10% off your online purchase.

Just use this code:

10PERCENT

enjoy!

Cheers!

Heart soaring.
Cheeks beaming.
The Giddies.

I'm looking to transfer within the company, a promotion of sorts. I was called today and told that I had OUTSTANDING recommendations and I could "pretty much pick the job of my choice". When I told her my heart was set on one particular position, she said she'd "whisper in ears and get me to the top of the list." Someone please pinch me cause this would be cruel if it were a dream.

Just this week I've concluded my study of Isaiah with BSF. Today I'm reminded of one of my favorite promises from the study; Isaiah 60:22 "I am the Lord; in its time I will hasten it." Dear friends, many of you have walked this long road with me. Some of you have just joined in. I thank you for your consistent and faithful prayers for me. I know that it has been for my good that I had great bitterness (38:17). Without those times I would not know the true character of my Savior. I would not know the true strength of His Spirit that dwells within man. So thank you for your encouraging words, your physical provision, and your comic relief. You truly have strengthened my weak hands and feeble knees. You have soothed my anxious heart with your assurance that He will come to save (35:3&4). I have searched for stability in many lesser things and even without this good news He has been just that: stable (33:5&6). I am confident that everything He begins, He will also bring to pass (37:26). I have experienced many a let down in these recent years, so I'm cautiously thrilled about the possibilities. I'm seeking to not let my hope be built on them but on the faithfulness of The One who restores the years the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25). I know that I have nothing to fear, even if the bottom drops out again, because I know that His delight is in me (62:1-5) and that He, the Mighty One of Israel is with me (43).

So cheers for ALL that the Lord is doing in the heart and lives of His people even now.

*Now for you all who have been praying with me, you know the 3 things we've been praying about. And I'm just saying: home (check), job (potential check) within a matter of literally 1 week. Hows about we step up our praying about a Heath Sundae with Caramel?! ;)

For Lauren

I'm done pretending that any of these blogs have cohesive meaningful thought. I'm just gonna tell you it as it comes. So, if you want to come visit me, which you should, you'll need to come before Wednesday the 25th. If you come after then, which you totally can, you won't be seeing me cause I'll have moved to my new place, which I am forever referring to as Cheshire Mansion. Yes, that's right I'm moving! I'm sure I'll write more about it later, but if I forget the short of it is; my brother's family is moving in which means I'm moving out. Want more info than that, stay tuned, drop a message, or give me a ring on the telle. Y'all know I'm an open book!

None the less, if  you're coming to visit me, you should know some things before the trek. First, you should know how much I adore guests. Second, you should know that the streets leading to my house are all speed traps. Third, you should know that I will probably challenge you to a face off. That's right a face off! A favorite past time of mine is making silly faces in the mirror. Any of you who speak to me in person on the regular obviously know this as you tell me all the time how "expressive" (code for crazy) my faces are.

You should also know that a new hobby is developing, but rarely occurs outside of my car. I'm developing my mad skills as a beat boxer. Go ahead, reread it b-e-a-t--b-o-x-e-r. So tonight, driving home after a great time at house church and catching up with Lo (see title) I was a beat boxing fool. I was kind of impressed with myself, not as good as this guy but I'm a rookie. Turning on to my street a sweet beat started rumbling through my lips and I turned down the air (cause it's gone from 50-90 in the STL) so I could hear it. Wrapped up in my own rhythms I didn't notice that I was going 25 in my lame 20mph neighborhood. Well, I didn't notice that is, until the police car parked on my right turned on his lights. My beats weren't so awesome right then, however my heart beat was rockin out! "Dang, why my beats gotta be so dope?" I asked myself. I didn't actually ask myself that, I was more like "Shoot! I definitely deserve this one."

Do you want to know what happened next? He just sat there. Lights on. Parked. So I hesitantly kept driving, not wanting to make him think he was going to have to high speed chase me down. I knew I was wrong, I was ready for my ticket. I went over the hill, staring through my rear view mirror, fully expecting a patrol car to come barreling over the hill meeting me just as I pulled up to my house! He didn't. I got out and went inside. What grace! Totally knowing what I deserve, but not receiving it. Mmmmm. That's good stuff.

So, I'm thinking, I might need to move my mad skills to the house, where distraction is welcomed, maybe not so much on the road.

{Free}

Yep, still feeling free as a bird. Lots of exciting things happening over here friends! I'll update you as they come along. (excuse the cheesy video but I just love the idea of that freedom!)

*Side note: Is anyone else completely in love with almost everything in this issue of Anthropologie? I'm glad there are crafty people out there who can teach me to make those things for WAY cheaper.

My Messy, Thrilling Life

I follow this completely adorable blog called My Messy, Thrilling Life and I could think of NO better title for this post than that. There's so much to say that just doesn't fit together quite right so pardon my scattered thoughts here:

1. I just murdered the biggest bug (not a spider) I've ever seen in real life. I say murdered, because I heard its oxygen and goo seeping from it's smashed shell underneath my shoe. I say shoe because it was too large to be killed with a flip flop- my normal weapon of choice. Who won't be sleeping well tonight? That's me!
2. The giddies over took me again today, the hope of... well hope springing up. See # 5 the purpose of this post.
3. I saw a friend who is a hilarious, well mannered, skinny man playing his cello like it was a guitar tonight. I almost cried it looked so great. I also almost cried when he stopped before anyone could get a picture of it.
4. I have been abundantly blessed with women in my life that pour truth into me. Recently, I have had 3 separate women who don't know each other and aren't intimately involved in my life on a day to day basis speak similar words of encouragement and peace to me through thoughtful emails. I will share with you anonymously the sweet words these women shared with me some day soon.
5. THE BEAST, the reason this post exists.

Have you seen The Holiday? Oh dear one, it's a must and I don't often call movies a must but this one, it's there. So there's this part in the movie when Kate Winslet's character (you already know what I'm going to say don't you? Ya, it's one of those moments!) has a breakthrough with a man that has captivated her heart for FAR too long. She finds her voice, gathers a little "gumption" (no but seriously you have to watch it. Call me, we' ll watch it together) and kicks this man out for good, slamming the door behind him in utter VICTORY! And from the pits, deep with in, a yell comes from the depths of her soul that screams of freedom!

(Ok, here's a tiny clip, but then really, you must see the whole thing!)

Oh, my sweet friends. Today was my day. Today I screamed for freedom over and over and over again as I retold the story. The story of the 16 year long saga of me and a guy that came to a beautiful, completely final END. I found my voice and it wasn't at all what I thought it would sound like. At least in this situation. The voice I found was of deep compassion, care, and concern for him and his well being, but confident that that well being is completely apart from me. I spoke words of kindness, when I expected words of hate. I spoke words of care when I thought there was bitterness. My friends, we call lesser things epic, but this, THIS IS EPIC!

And the most glorious thing is that it's by absolutely no effort of my own. In 16 years I consistently ran back, in 16 years I questioned to be or not to be, in 16 years I never felt completely sold on no. But I'm here tonight telling you confidently, Freedom is mine! The Lord IS making all things new, even now! EVEN NOW! He is restoring the years the locusts have eaten. Sisters, brothers, this is GOOD news. This has been a long awaited time, prayed for by many, answered by One! There's no other reasoning for it, than from the hand of God Himself. Without me realizing it, He has brought healing to some of the most broken parts of me. He has given me a voice to say "no more." He's given me genuine love for one I once called an enemy. Y'all, I don't know if you get it, but this is H-U-G-E (regular sized letters would not have done the trick.)!

This little life of mine, that I don't know what the Lord is doing with, is messy, but today I could not be more thrilled about it! This song only makes me a bit more thrilled about it!

10 Years Later

In 4 months and 10 days it will be September 11, 2011, 10 years after the tragedy that struck New York, DC, America. Today, Osama Bin Laden was killed, announced officially dead by President Obama.

I imagine the memorial of 9/11 will have a much different feel this year. A sense of some sort of punishment served, justice prevailed. Tonight we celebrate. There are people dancing in the streets, shouting American anthems, rejoicing in the victory of the moment. There is joy to be had at the death of one who indeed brought so much death.

I myself, am conflicted. I rejoice, not with dancing in the streets, but with a smile, a deep sense of gratitude to my God and to those who did the act that I myself never could. But I also mourn. I think of the lives that were lost on 9/11 and since then through war. Bin Laden's death doesn't make up for their's. It doesn't some how make everything right again. And I'm confident, where ever the souls of those slain lay, they no longer care about Bin Laden. I'm sure there is rejoicing in heaven, but of a different kind. A rejoicing that God again proves that evil will not win the day. Not a rejoicing that a sinful and unrepentant man received his reward of death.

My soul aches with the thought that he has led so many astray. Many that will now, in retaliation, scheme, plot, and attack those of whom they hate. My soul aches with the thought that many Americans will no longer see their need for God. When there are times of victory our hearts turn from the true Victor. The combination in lethal. May God have mercy.

So tonight, as I lay my head down for bed, I pray that we not have a false sense of security but that we would rest in the Sovereign hand of God. I pray that I would not be glad in the death of an evil man, but that I would be glad in the death of the evil practices of that one man. I pray that my American pride would not overshadow my call to love those that despise me, my religion, or my country. And I pray that just as we turned to God in times of severe duress, that we again would Trust In God and give Him the honor He deserves.

I Think I'm In Love

A Whole New World the song kept running through my mind while I was at the St. Louis Indie Craft Revolution. My heart was bursting with gladness, my eyes wide and grasping every last morsel of crafted goodness. My hands roamed over every beautiful thing.

I think I'm in love. I don't know if other people go to a craft show and have the same kid of thrilling experience that I had. I don't know if they have to physically restrain themselves from squealing in delight over neck tie head bands. YES!!!! You read it right. Or if they feel the urge to tell every vendor they delight in how wonderful their work is. If this was a love language I would have found mine. If this is a personality type, I fit right here! I could have stayed there all day, literally all day, chatting with people, feeling their products, imagining my life with those things. Ahhhh. SO energizing.

So you know, because I have no money but the hope that someday I will I grabbed up ALL of the cards I could. Literally, all the things I loved I took a card for. 14 in total. 14 booths that made my heart skip a beat. 14 booths that made me giddy with the thought of crafting it myself, being friends with them, or someday having their product in my life. And... I couldn't wait to tell you about it. I had to tell you about it.

I know you know my heart but lack of ability. I've got a crafters heart but a doorposts skills and a poor man's budget. Oh if I could!

But for now I'll dream and wish of the day that I'll live in some other land, married, with 5 little ones racing around, crafting away while telling women about the Good News of Christ. One day my friends, mark my words.  

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I needed today to lift me from my pit. I don't know if you read my rantings here, if you did bless your heart and I'm not always that Debbie Downer, just one of those days. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean....hmmph maybe not. If you didn't, keep my light heartedness read here in mind as you read my release of pint up emotions there. ;)  

One Week Ago

Unless you live under a rock or just don't care I'm sure you've heard about the devastation St. Louis encountered Good Friday, the same series of storm systems that recently attacked Alabama. I wanted to write something, but I had no words, and honestly no real concept of what had just happened to my city. So I didn't write. I just watched. I watched every news cast that covered it. Turned through picture after picture on Facebook. Soaking it all in, trying to get some perspective on what just occurred a mile from my house.

                                   

As I viewed the coverage my mind just couldn't wrap around it. I've lived here 20 years and yet couldn't recognize one picture I saw. Everything broken, tattered, tossed about carelessly by an unleashed tornado. Precious trinkets from homes lay on the ground, entire trees uprooted lying as though they were just branches whipped about by the wind. These things don't happen in the city.

(photo courtesy of kmov 4) 

"Tornado's rarely come into the city." I had just heard a forecaster say those similar words and I freely told friends this news as to calm their nerves as church let out that Good Friday night to sirens blaring warning of the oncoming danger. I, confident that our area would not get hit, went to dinner with friends. It was only when I came home and turned the t.v. on that I knew anything had happened. I called my friend driving that way from my house to warn of the chaos she was about to run into. I had no idea.

Through Maryland Heights, Bridgeton, Lambert Airport, Berkley, Ferguson. I rarely travel that direction during the day, so I went the entire week without seeing the devastation myself. One week and I had already let it slip from my mind. My life was not affected, so my thoughts were not diverted from the every day tasks and family/ministry/relational thoughts I have normally. I had vaguely forgotten, remembering not to take certain ways if I had to travel that way, but never thinking about the people now displaced, not really.

(Photo courtesy of Victor Alexander)

Today, distracted by the sunshine, I took St. Charles Rock Road. I took it all the way down to the overpass. Things began to feel eerily different, disheveled. I began to see business' windows boarded up, blue tarps, bare tree tops, broken limbs. Then there was this clearing. A clearing that had never existed before. Greenery used to hide the homes that sat on the hill. For all I knew looking there, that forest continued on forever. But today, I saw. The thick destroyed and the damaged exposed. I felt I should turn away, to give them the privacy the trees once did but I couldn't. It was all I could do to not pull over and weep for them, for their loss, for their pain. Some homes a complete loss, others untouched, most having major chunks missing from them. The ruins were strewn about, wood beams that once made a home stable now looking like broken toothpicks.

I know my tears would not help. They would not heal. But the sight was all too overwhelming. A devastation our tender hearts were never to know, yet for The Fall. 35,000 without power, many homes completely destroyed, many more people displaced, yet NOT ONE life lost. What a miracle, what a gracious act of mercy from The Sovereign One.

For as destructive and powerful as these tornadoes have been both here and in the south they are but the very fringes of the power of The Lord, The God of Jacob, The Redeemer. A nation's shock at the turmoil these disasters bring, is nothing compared to the awe that will overwhelm the nations when Faithful and True rides in to redeem His own and demolish His enemies.

My dear friends (I know we don't know each other, but I consider us friends if that's ok?) those are your options; to be called His Own or to be an enemy. There is no third, secret option. He is withholding His full wrath so as to give time for decisions to be made. Choose now dear one. As a day will come, and is coming soon, when your choice will be made whether by your own deduction or an end of time.

I pray that you are made new in the life that Jesus Christ offers through salvation. I pray that when your days are done on this tumultuous earth that you will rejoice forever with The King remembering no more the devastation of the past.