Reflections of a 28 year old

December 19th was my 28th birthday. I don't remember as a teenager ever thinking about what 28 would look like for me. 25?yes. 30? yes But never 28. I'm sure at some point when I was 18 I thought in 10 years I would be 28 and shrinked at the thought. But here we are, 10 years later.

I had never had a birthday party. With it being so close to Christmas there just wasn't ever a good time for a party. I had dinners. I had presents. I had songs. But never a party, for me, with all my friends. (If you remember me having a party please let me know. I even asked my mom, who also didn't recall me ever having a party.) But this year, this completion of the 28th year of my life, some dear friends decided to throw me a party!

I loved every bit of it. From the decor, to the food, to the gifts, to the worlds colliding, to the laughter and singing! Perfect! I could not have asked for a better introduction into my 29th year of life. To make up for the birthday parties that I lacked my dear friends sang to me 28 times, each time just a little different. I felt completely and totally loved.



(Kate on the air mandolin)



(Emily on the air guitar)

Considering that 25 was not what I thought it would be like. 28 surely is nothing I expected either. According to the plan I made in high school, for some future planning class, by 28 I would have been married for 3 or 4 years working on baby 2, being a stay at home mom in my sweet little subdivision. Oh how reality hits when I think about that plan. Because the reality is, I'm 28, with a short string of failed relationships, living with my parents, and entering a job that holds inevitable chaos.

And when looked at through that lens alone, it could seem pretty bleak. It could seem really disappointing. It could seem like failure. But here's what I also didn't plan. I didn't plan on finding such amazing friendships that feel more like family. I didn't plan on going to the deepest pit of despair only to be met by My Savior holding me up so that I would not fall. I didn't plan on loving HIM more than anything else in life. I didn't plan on being apart of such an astounding community of believers that challenge me along the journey. I also didn't plan on learning from each heartbreak, healing from each wound, growing from each set back. And I surely didn't plan on teaching a classroom of 27 kiddos that aren't my own.

But this, this is the adventure! This is the discovering who I am, who He is making me to be! This waiting (today :) ) is the fun part. When those things that I planned so meticulously for eventually come about, Lord willing, I will, in some respect know what's next. Marriage, a home, kids, missions, grandkids,.... there's a pattern. But this, this not knowing, this unplanned time; as heart wrenching as it is when another friend gets married or has a child or any other barrage of things I desire, it's also exciting because who knows what's next. It could literally be anything!

Tonight at a sisters reunion a friend told the story of an elderly woman who had recently become a widow. She said that this woman no longer knew who she was if she wasn't this man's wife. I couldn't help but find a small sense of hope in that. That by being single these 28 years, I am discovering who I am apart from someone else.

So, at 28, I'm choosing not to look at all I don't have. I'm instead looking at all the Lord has blessed me with and anticipating the excitement that is yet to come!

Any Better?

Today I was left with few words, many tears, and much love.

I'm leaving Hannibal in a few moments and suprisingly my heart aches. I have felt more and more that St. Louis has been becoming my home, a place I can see myself building a life. The place I am choosing to build my life right now. Yet, the ache is still here.

Buildings have changed. Children have grown up. New people have come. But I still call this place home. As I think about it though, it's not the place at all. It's the people. I still call these people home.

Bumping into friendly faces in the crowd. Spotting old friends from across the crowded street. Nothing to do with the place, everything to do with the people.

My heart aches because some friendships are not like they were. My heart aches because some friendships are exactly as they were. My heart aches because though we are only 100 miles away I feel as though I live on another plant.

I've missed the women who have invested in my life, teaching me how to make sweet tea, showing me what it takes to be a good wife, allowing me to see the messiness of life. I miss the men who have been Godly examples, men who have made me laugh histarically, men who have taught me the truth of God' word.

I miss my dear friends that are far more appropriately labled family. I miss my sister. I miss watching her children grow up, hearing what the Lord is doing in her family, getting coffee and munching on scones.

But as much as I miss them all already. I have also come to love the people God has placed in my life in St. Louis, the people I am beginning to really call family, my home.

 I'm again learning from brilliant women just no accents to listen through. I'm laughing with their families. I'm teaching their children. I'm gaining more sisters and brothers. I'm drinking coffee, eating pumpkin bread, and making sweet tea.

That makes this leaving a little less hard. It has been a sweet weekend treasuring all I love about this place. And it will be a sweet week treasuring all I love in my new home.

I have been blessed beyond measure to feel so much love in 2 places that are worlds apart. I love each of these people deeply and I am loved by them. Can life get any better than this?

Boundless Relationship Week Day 1

Task 3 How did meditating on this passage further shape your view on relationship?

Romans 12:9-13
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another is showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

It's funny that this would be the first task and "Let love be genuine" would be the first words. Over the past few weeks I have felt a real absence of intimate community in my life. I was telling a friend that in this move, I have done a good job at getting a good quantity of friends but now I want some of those friendships to be better quality. And it really is all about being real, or genuine, with each other. Having this community and accountability will encourage and challenge me to hate what is evil and cling to what is good, while being able to truly come to a point of loving with sisterly affections these women in my life.

In thinking about the list of 7 things to be doing given in this passage, it's really easy for me to separate this from the context of relationships and simply apply it to my life. Though that's good and well, these 3 verses are within the context of relationships and cannot just be removed from that. So keeping that in mind, I'm challenged by these things. Outdo one another in showing honor, don't be lazy in your excitement, be active listening and obeying the spirit, serve God, be happy in hope, be long suffering in trials, and always be in prayer! Imagine what friendships or relationships of all facets would look like if this was how we truly lived. If this was how I truly lived.

Comparing myself to these 7 standards brings conviction to my selfish heart, but also empowers me by clearly laying out the picture of true Christianity, knowing that it is not I who has a good work to finish in me but Christ alone! I can boast in my weakness because where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more.

The Now and The Not Yet

Y'all! Can I just tell you how crazy I think it is that every month I am baffled by the fact that I've been here another month. Rereading some entries I find it hilarious that every month I inevitably repeat something dealing with time going so quickly and my being here yet another month. Too funny! So I will spare you the time going quickly point and simply say that I've been here 9 months. Much like a pregnant woman longs to see her child and in all honesty is most likely sick of being pregnant and ready to birth out a kid. I too have found myself ready to birth.

I have been in this process of remembering passions I once had and dreams I let fall to the side as I've trudged on through life. I've picked up other interests along the way and intentionally packed up other hopes for safe keeping, knowing that to daydream of those things would not be beneficial to my psyche or to anyone around me or just wasn't right timing. So, in unloading some of those mental boxes as I settle into St. Louis I've come across one that seems ready to open as it is bursting at the seams.

I have dreamed since I was 16 or so of going to Africa. I had opportunities to go but my parents didn't find that to be in my best interest. Then in college, there were many missions organizations that visited, again leaving doors open to go to this place I've dreamed of. Yet, I didn't commit myself to these opportunities because at the time I was committing to spending my life with someone else and that was my priority. Those first years after college I was again presented with the chance to go and I had grown comfortable with my average, single, American life. I enjoyed my money, my freedom, and my luxuries. And then....

As I think back on it, I'm surprised that it has taken me this long to see but I guess that God unveils our eyes when it's time to see and dear friends it's time.

...then I grew in a quick friendship with a family that were themselves packing and moving to AL to prepare to move to Zambia, Africa. Intertwining my life with theirs and the families already in relationship with them my heart began beating wildly for Africa again. Seeing pictures of the people, of the children, of the land, of the plans that my friends were making made me long to be in this place I've never known.

At the time situations had risen at my job and I felt like I was being led to another place. When these things fell through and I was forced to move to St. Louis, Africa was no where near my mind. I was in survival mode. But now that things have calmed down and I have a chance to really process all that has been taking place in my heart and physically around me, I'm noticing that 9 months have passed and I am obviously "pregnant" with restored hopes and dreams spilling out of my box.

I have remained, these 9 months in a very transitional place, which has led me to question why I am allowed to be so nomadic at this point in my life. It is for a purpose, of this I am sure. So, I'm using this transitional time to seek opportunities to go and to minister while I can. And I have found an opportunity to teach overseas in nowhere other than North Africa. I am applying for this opportunity and am confident that God will continue to lead. If I am accepted I will leave in a year to live a year at a time in North Africa (the country is not yet specified).

So... as my community I am asking that you pray for His direction, my obedience, and their ( www.teachOverseas.org )acceptance. I realize this is just in the very infant stages but just like time and aging, it all goes too fast and I want for you to have a part in it.

So, I'm hoping that you will gather with me to pray me through from now to the not yet.

Lovely Moments

So... inspired by my last post 5 minutes ago. I wanted to make a list of lovely moments I've had the chance to embrace.

watching the sunset in VA
first kiss
watching planes land at dusk
a walk in the park
hand in hand
a kiss on the head
a walk in the rain
a song made for me
piano melody in a coffee shop
laughing till tears
birth of first niece
4 course meal in Italy
looking out at the vineyards
knees to the earth looking up at the mountains
drives to nowhere
princess palaces
snow angels
washing feet
kisses covered floor
prayer
comforted by dearest friends
realizing love
dozing with sleeping baby
standing at Niagara
reconnecting with friends
realizing home
real worship

Pray first, then eat!

I've just had the pleasure of chatting with some new friends. I was pleasantly surprised to find that many were in a similar situation as I. Isn't it great when the Lord brings along those people in your life, that you can walk with through this season. That's, I think, what we must remember at the forefront is that, indeed this is just a season. It will not forever be this tight-rope walk of sanity and trusting the Lord. We will again, someday, come back around to a feeling of rested assurance, knowing that of course God can handle everything and wondering why we ever distrusted Him.

But right now, that assurance isn't there all the time and it's nice to know that I'm not doubting alone. What's even better is that He, in His infinite wisdom, knows we need each other and so has placed us in various places in these trials so that we can unite together, in community, to encourage one another when we cannot stand on our own.

So, here is my encouragement to new and old friends alike; who are struggling with trusting the Lord and His direction and timing in our lives. Read the book Just Do Something. I read it within my first 5 months of moving back and found such great wisdom (which I always forget). It's an easy read but will definitely challenge you. Maybe I should take it up again. Enjoy!