Both In One

One is there.
Another here.
Will there ever be
both here and there?

A bridge to span
the space between,
where I am found,
not confused, rather
convinced that I am
indeed fully there and
fully here.

With no morphing or swaying,
I cannot change you.
Since you are there
be fully there.
And you are here
so be all here.

But I stand confidently
where I am,
where the here and there
will never meet.
I wait for you to find me.
-AngieLee

My attempt at poetry. I really love this piece because it is exactly what I wanted to say and exactly how I felt.

Hope For Heaven Now

Last night I sat watching the Hope For Haiti Now telethon with a box of tissues. My heart was breaking for these people and the wreckage they are being pulled from. As I was listening I felt like these actors and musicians, with the best of intentions I realize, were saying the same things over and over again. The message that rang loud and clear in my heart was that we have known these statistics about Haiti forever. It is an impoverished country, many families live in shacks, and many children in orphanages. And the question that beckoned me was why has it taken devastation to break our hearts for this country? The real devastation is that before an earthquake came they were devastated and now that it has gone they are still devastated.

Why does it take disaster to unveil our eyes to see the hurt and oppression around the world? I am so amazed that people are pouring themselves out for Haiti right now. They need it and it is beautiful. American children giving out of their abundance, families praying, people rushing in to relieve, medics coming in to revive. But they also needed it before. Their need is just publicized more now.

There are war torn countries and other places that live like this on a regular basis and yet America still has our $51 million lottery. Hiring baseball players for contracts of $120 million. Releasing T.V. show hosts for $45 million. Doesn't this seem a little bizarre to anyone else? There are more countries with people concerned about where there next meal will come from than not and yet we have this excess of money to toss freely about. Really?

America is an "economic downturn". We are indebted to China and various other countries. Yet still we live in a ridiculous money driven society that generally has no thought for the poor in their own neighborhood much less those across any body of water. When we get rich we forget and when we are poor we don't remember.

I realize this isn't how the world turns and for reasons incomprehensible to me it can't be this way but wouldn't it be nice if every country gave out of their abundance and everyone had what they needed and no one lacked anything (Acts). We wouldn't have these astronomical gaps in society between the "haves" and the "have nots".

Oh how I long for heaven, when He will come and put right what has been made wrong and bring justice to the oppressed. Until then may my heart be burdened with the needs around the world and may I pour out the abundant love of Christ daily.

5 Months and Counting

Not to be confused with pregnancy, though this is a birthing of sorts. I have lived in my new home for 5 months now. The time has passed by relatively quickly. In moments I have felt like time was stagnant, like things would never change, like I was without hope. But I find myself at this 5 month mark completely sane and happy. I live in this house which speaks volumes of my sanity. I was just offered the position that I desperately hoped and prayed for. Relationships are solidifying. And I'm finding my groove. It feels like things are on the upswing in my life. Everything I dreamed of? Not at all. Potentially birthing a whole new dream? Definitely maybe.

"Chubbs"

"Chubbs", a name I don't think I'll ever forget. I don't know this student at all but I do however spend most days in the Kirkwood School District working with special needs students. Today I had the opportunity to watch this video with some of my students and was overwhelmed with emotion.

I knew I worked in a district that was intentional about meeting the needs of all students. I was already proud to be apart of that, but to see their commitment to special needs students socialization. Well, that is huge. Having worked in the educational world and knowing kids, I know that special education kids are easy targets. Kirkwood has made it an essential part of their curriculum to teach peace and acceptance. It is evident in the students I work with and this video of David "Chubbs" Stillman. I am truely inspired and encouraged.

Pray first, then eat!

I've just had the pleasure of chatting with some new friends. I was pleasantly surprised to find that many were in a similar situation as I. Isn't it great when the Lord brings along those people in your life, that you can walk with through this season. That's, I think, what we must remember at the forefront is that, indeed this is just a season. It will not forever be this tight-rope walk of sanity and trusting the Lord. We will again, someday, come back around to a feeling of rested assurance, knowing that of course God can handle everything and wondering why we ever distrusted Him.

But right now, that assurance isn't there all the time and it's nice to know that I'm not doubting alone. What's even better is that He, in His infinite wisdom, knows we need each other and so has placed us in various places in these trials so that we can unite together, in community, to encourage one another when we cannot stand on our own.

So, here is my encouragement to new and old friends alike; who are struggling with trusting the Lord and His direction and timing in our lives. Read the book Just Do Something. I read it within my first 5 months of moving back and found such great wisdom (which I always forget). It's an easy read but will definitely challenge you. Maybe I should take it up again. Enjoy!

Foggy Nights

A few days ago a deep fog fell over the St. Louis area. Billboards that usually anchored the city were no longer existent. Lights guiding the path were now a faint glowing in the distance. As I tried to maneuver my way back home I was surprised how lost I felt with this veil of fog. My head lights seemed to disappear in the thick of it. At one point the only car traveling with me vanished as I tried to keep up, using their back lights as point of reference.

It's funny but this scene is exactly how I feel lately. Like a dense fog has shrouded my life. I have lost all sense of direction and the light that I have doesn't seem strong enough to cut through this darkness. I'm traveling alone and the only hope I had of finding my way out has just vanished.

I however can find hope that tomorrow will be a new day and the fog may not have completely lifted but someday, someday, the light will shine and I will find my way again. Until then, I will use the dim light I have and continue this journey though the path is unclear.

Creamy Cones and Life Lessons

After a ridiculous week at work (work I'm so grateful for) I felt I owed a treat to myself. What better way to say job well done than an ice cream cone from Ronald McDonald! Waiting in the drive-thru, exhaust and salt grime stuck to my windshield blurring the snow mounds, I realized how ludicrous it must sound for me to be ordering 1 vanilla cone in 30 degree weather. Even crazier when I pulled to the first window and there wasn't a toddler in the back seat anxiously awaiting their $1.03 snack.

When handed my ice cream I smiled and over exaggerated my first taste. I felt like a child driving away but wasn't really phased by it because I was also pleased like a child by my simple little cone. My tongue felt slightly frost bitten by the time I got home but I had just partaken of my wonderful reward.

It made me long to be a kid again. To be satisfied by simplicity. It made me think of that verse in the bible where Jesus tells us to enter into the Kingdom like little children. How I wish I could be so easily satisfied with my Creator. Not to ask anything more of Him but to simply delight in Him. Lessons I've yet to learn taught to me by toddlers.

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shatters and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
Know there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

~Bob Dylan
~Adele

My thoughts exactly.

The Open Road

I look into my rearview mirror. Nothing but black. It's late and I'm driving to what I now call home. There are no other cars on the open road. Just me and Cadence, my Cobalt. There are no street lights, who needs streetlights to interfere with the stars and moon. But not tonight. Tonight it's cloudy and the sky is dark. I can't seem to move beyond the black behind me. And all that is cutting through the dark ahead of me are two small head lights. It's in this moment alone in my car, whispering my heart's desires to the Lord, hoping He hears me over the engine and heat, that He meets with me.

"But one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining torward to what lies ahead..." Philippians 3:13

Maybe, in the future, living in this sweet town will come back around, but right now what I've been brought to is the city. And He has given me the promise that He will fulfill His purpose for me (Psalm 57:2). So, what I must do is look to the open road ahead of me that has been lit with a lamp or in this case 2 head lights. I cannot see beyond those 2 headlights but with every movement forward more of the road is revealed. And though the road is unknown and scary at times I must put my trust in Him because I know that HE IS FOR ME(Psalm 56:9&10).

Where The Heart Is

I found myself waking up this morning between two of my best friends in a town my heart aches for. It's a girls weekend at HOME and I couldn't be happier to be in this place I love with people I cherish.

Driving to the theatre last night I took all the shortcuts I rememebered. This place is beautiful snow covered. Not even the bitter cold could steal away its beauty. Christmas decorations still hanged on the street lights casting the soft glow I dream of often. I passed all the old places nestled in their blankets of snow. The 1504 Wellman house, small and cozy with memories of even our first day moving in, sitting on the floor talking of things we knew nothing about. Oh Caity. My dear friend. Field. A large resort resembling nursing home has been built in front of it but it's still lovely. Though it's 8:30 at night and a snow day has been called I can see the memories we've made. Pictures in front of the tree. The many firedrills. Waiting for buses, parents, friends, anyone to take you so my day could end. What I would give for just one more day with you Field. Java Jive. If your walls could speak, oh the stories they could tell of me alone. Reunions, counseling sessions, accountability, studying, advice, dates, and heartbreaks. If only you could make a scrapbook for me, journaling the memories I've made there as I will ineveitably forget. The post office and my annual visit claiming new residancy. Always moving. Always. But always calling you home. Always.

I sit cuddled this morning in a cheetah print snuggie, the smell of chocolate chip muffins filling the Wellman house, wishing this place was still my home.

lazy days

I'm finding that the more I try to be technologically savvy, the more technologically retarded I find myself! In trying to change my blogger template it took me literally about 5 hours to figure it out. How frustrating! Nonetheless it is done and here we are.

So today is the first snow day in St. Louis. It is absoutely beautiful out. I can say that because I am inside snuggled and warm. Snuggled and warm. There are little chores to be done around the house. There are books I could be reading. A bible I could be studying but instead I choose to cozy up to my oh so frustrating technology to keep me company. And I sit here now asking myself why. I know at the end of this day I will regret having done nothing, yet everyday I'm off I have to convince myself to be a productful human being.

My bed will always call my name. I will just have to choose to not listen. The computer will always try to lure me in for hours on end. I must choose to walk away. The TV will always offer hours of mind numbing activity but I must choose to use my mind. I find that when I have nothing to do I literally do nothing but when I have an agenda I get so much more done. How I wish I could be more motivated and not look back on days wishing I had done something more, loved Jesus more.

It's now 12:45 and I am still in my pjs, which I don't regret, and still haven't met with my savior.I guess this is where I find my real dilema. I have become so selfish with my time yet in that selfishness I'm not really being selfish. I'm simply choosing to give my time away to meaningless things, while the most meaningful person in my life I put on standby. Until I'm bored enough, inspired enough, or guilted enough. Ouch! My laziness has shifted from physical to spiritual. I have repeatedly choosen fine over best and found myself in the hole of fine which is actually waste. I am wasting not just this beautiful snow day, a lovely day off, my time right now, but in essence my life.

I want my life to be characterized by doing and being a believer when the times are good and time is in excess. When things are rushed and bad I some how mangage to find time because I know I need Him. When time is nothing and life is good, then, then I find myself becoming my own savior. Oh how I need HIM! I can't even save myself from my own technology woes, what makes me think I can save myself on any given lazy day.

Dopamine and my happiness

So not that I have a resolution or anything but Janurary just seems like the most reasonable time to begin new things. I mean it's the beginning of a whole new year, a whole new start. SO with that I recently read an article, "Why is it so Damn Hard to Change" about a chemical called dopamine that your body produces when things are pleasurable. The author said (which I found phenomenal) "We must have a magnificant creator to know that in order for the human race to survive we would have to have a chemical reaction triggered when we ate, so that we would eventually eat again." With that in mind she went on to say that we need to find activities that we enjoyed when we were younger because that produced this dopamine.
In thinking about that, I loved dancing when I was in high school. I was a Rythemette and practicing for hours during the summer was so much fun. I'd be down in some waiting position, sweat dripping from my head but I loved hearing the music and then beginning this choreographed movement. LOVE IT! So, I'm enrolling in a dance class. I loved volleyball. I went to a volleyball camp in hopes of trying out for the team which never happened because I had a fear of jumping on those boxes to practice spiking. I was always scared I would break my shin because I couldn't jump high enough but I digress. I loved playing on a team, serving, and hollering MINE! So I'm looking for a volleyball team to join. I also loved riding bikes. The wind blowing in my hair, the adrenaline of rushing down a steep hill, the exhaustion of making it to the top of a hill. Even pretending I was driving a car making signals to warn other "drivers" of my next move. I'm looking for a bike for when spring comes. And lastly though not physical activity I really did love playing the piano. I had one awful teacher and let that stop me. I liked that I was creating beauty. So, I'm gonna get myself a little keyboard! I found a wonderful deal on one and found my old piano books. Nothing like self teaching!
So, I'm not resolving to do things but I really want to. They are things I once really enjoyed doing and when I think of them I get happy. So dopamine here I come!

Side note: Dopamine is also the technical name for dope (the street drug) which creates that same kind of feeling of happiness. I'm not so much talking about that. I'm a natural girl! :) Have a great one!