Open Book

hmmm.... how do I say this? Have you ever wanted something so badly you could taste it? I mean, you've wanted this thing for a long time and tried your hand at grasping it every way but always came up short. Ya, me too. With what you ask? Well, with my weight. EEEKKKK! I shrink back and want to delete this just typing that, knowing that your eyes will read it.

So I tread cautiously on this water for fear of humiliation. But here's the truth, my body isn't hiding the fact that I'm overweight, it's out there everyday for the world to see. I suppose it's just difficult to say the words. To acknowledge my lack of self control. To admit that there is a problem. But I'm thinking.... maybe there's hope in this public acknowledgement. Maybe there's encouragement to be had. So.... what did I go and do?

I started another blog so you could follow along on my journey with me of course. I know some of you may be like what the what, this girl is blogging out of control. You may be right. But I know others will think this is completely expected, far more exposed then they would care to be but expected by me the alleged open book.

I'm gonna to go ahead and own that title with the start of this new blog if you don't mind. There's not much I keep hidden, which may be wrong or right but not the point of discussion. My struggle with weight is surely one of those things I keep hidden, specifically to those who don't know me, you know those of you around the globe that I've never met, that pop in every now and again (thanks so much btw, hope you are well).

Remember when I told you about Joel 2:25. Well, this is apart of that restoration. The new site is called My Delight Is In Her located at From Azubah To Hephzibah. Meaning I will no longer forsake myself but I will delight in me the way He delights in me, which means the freedom to truly pursue this goal I've wanted for so long.

So join me, check in, encourage, hold me accountable. See ya at the new site!

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So do you remember just 2 paragraphs above when I told you to remember when I told you about Joel 2:25? Well as I went looking to link up I realized I never told y'all about Joel 2:25. So here's the short of it. When I went on my church's retreat I sensed very clearly the Lord leading me to read Joel 2:25 (I was in the midst of a very difficult time forgiving a person from the past (that ghost I never told you about either).) I was completely comforted by those words, "I will restore the years the locust have eaten." As though the Lord was saying I'm beginning a work of complete restoration in you. It was a really sweet time and I have treasured those words since.

{...And More Snow}

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bit peeved right now. It's March 26th and I've got Let it Snow in my head because well, it's snowing. Not just a few flurries, but actually snowing. Like 4 inches of snow and still going- snowing. I had my flip flops out, was packing away my wool coat and heavy scarves. I was ready for the new that Spring holds. The few days of Spring we had here in the Lou were producing so much hope in me I could explode. The feeling of being on the brink of something so exciting, so long waited for, so beautiful. Only to be snatched back into a time that, as appreciated as it was, I had mentally left.

The weather, for as topseeturvy as it's been, has also been a physical reminder of what my life feels like right now. The hope of better things to come dangling before me, but the seasons of the past not letting up. My walk in the rain yesterday was kind of perfect. It was the right amount of drizzle for how I was feeling. Just a touch sad, a touch thoughtful, and a bit angry. Stomping in puddles... kind of perfect for releasing anger. I know that's not typical Emo video style, as I was feeling, but I'm not Emo, so I figured it was ok. I wanted to dance, to sing, to cry, and yell. To thank God for all that He's given and yet cry out for all that's been deferred.

I instead kept walking, bouncing my hands to the beat, bobbing my head, listening to my It's Friday And I'm in Love genius playlist. And somehow in the course of my walk my shoulders eased and I hit a stride, my cares hovering above me waiting to float back down, but for then the weight was lifted. So today, as look out at the trees that had begun to blossom, now bending under the weight of the heavy snow I understand. And as I come to a breaking point I have to remind myself that someday it won't just be Spring in word only but I will see the fruit of Spring in my life.

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Ohhh... did I tell you I left Facebook? Feels a bit like what I think it would be like to give up any addiction. CRAZY!! Going on Day 4 of Facebooklessness. Catch up with me and the slow moving adventure over at Something New.

A Change of Perspective

Dear Winter,
I must confess, I have not always ever thought the best of you. As I have grown older and you seem to have grown more bitter my perspective has changed. Or maybe it's better said that my perspective is changing. This has been a terrible season. The expected cold that bears down is not surprising, yet I'm saddened or even angry when it's here. Then there are the sometimes unbearable snows that bust in on my already dreary days debilitating me. And then pity of all pities you present these sweet rays of hope scattered throughout the season that one day you will be gone and brighter days will surely be around again, but then you dash those hopes when after those bright peeks the temperatures plummet.

I could focus on all of these things, but here's what I'm seeing more. I'm seeing that I need you. You come and kill things, which if stopped there seems so bleak. But you kill things so that new life can spring forth at the proper time. You burst in with your crazy snows providing the very sustaining water plants will need when the scorching heat of summer saps them. You bring a crispness to the oxygen my lungs crave like no other season does. I need you. I need you because I need to remember how great Spring and Autumn are. You build anticipation for the very season I long for. But here's something I've seen as well. You hold a beauty of your own. You are not just a bridge for me to get from lovely season to lovely season, but you actually are quite lovely.

Snow, glitter from the heavens, looks so beautiful fluttering down blanketing the ground. It's so dreamy when I look up at the old lamp posts and see the magic swirling. I love awaking to see the snow pulled taught across my yard, no footprints yet marring the canvas. I love bundling up and braving your cold to play in the fluff. The ice that is too treacherous to tread on is magnificent when dangling so delicately off branches reflecting the tiniest rays of light. I love your clear nights, soup, and hot chocolate. You are beautiful and I need you.

It's funny because as I've seen you in a new light, I've also seen the past 3 years and future differently. You are not just a season to get through, as this is not a season of my life to just get through. There is a beauty to be seen here and I am confident my eyes are opening to see that. My trials are too be expected, that's what He has promised. The burial under the weight of many a snow shower is a time to hunker down and rest, to save my energy for a season when I will need more than I have. And this waiting, these trials, will one day give some relief to a new season. A season that is maybe more favored but no more valuable. Every season has its issues. Spring is a little too rainy for my liking, Summer can be brutal, and Autumn can be so fickle. You've gotten a bad rap and I've contributed to it but I'm changing.

As Spring enters in I welcome it gladly, likewise as a new season of life for me seems to be on the brink I wait expectantly for it. I cherish the memories I made in my Winter and I anticipate a time when you will come around again, because you always do, He promised.

Growing to Appreciate Who You Are,
A Life Under Grace

Have you heard this song?

{Now That The Wait Is Over} A Wedding Story

My best friend married yesterday. A day we waited and waited and waited and waited for. Finally it was here for her. It flew by but I was able to steal away moments in my mind that I will cherish forever.

On rehersal night we laughed about favorite memories we had together. We had the same favorite. When we were in high school we use to lay out on the trampoline in her backyard at night looking up at the stars, dreaming of our wedding days and talking about the boys we had crushes on at the time. Becky dated Mike in high school for a brief moment and I distinctly remember him being the topic of one of our trampoline talks. Who could have known, but the Lord, the plans He had of bringing them back together 12 years later. I love that!

I also loved seeing her so completely beautiful. I've heard people say that a woman will rarely look more beautiful than she does on her wedding day. She was stunning. We're talking magazine bride x10. At one point while taking pictures before the wedding we were all silenced as she stood in the shadows of an old church. She was breath taking. If she ever looks more beautiful than that moment it will be SICKENING!

As the doors opened for her grand entry I saw her face, burning red. She was losing it before everyone even stood to welcome her. Upon seeing her and the sweet uncontrollable release of all the emotion she had withheld, I too sobbed with my sister. There were few dry eyes in the church. And though we laughed about it, I'm positive I would have done the same were I her. I think of what my response will be when we, the Bride of Christ, will procede to our Groom, Jesus Christ himself, as that is indeed what the wedding ceremony is symbolic of. I imagine that her dear response walking down the aisle toward her love is a similar response that we will have walking towards our Love; so grateful, so overwhelmed with emotion, so glad the waiting is over.

I loved the proud father getting his line "Her mother and I do" right and standing proudly forgetting to give his daughter's hand to his soon to be son.

I adored the view I had. I know what Becky's face looked like in her vows to Mike, I've seen her face for 15 years, I could imagine. But I was looking straight at Mike. I saw the excitement, sincerity, happiness, and love in his eyes. I loved watching him make covenant promises to my sister that through God's grace he will uphold. I loved seeing him get choked up saying he would be her husband. It brought to tears to my eyes but comforted my heart to know that I was placing my dearest friend in the world in the hands of a man that is so honored to call himself her husband.

 I laughed with the Best Man giving the pastor the box instead of just the ring.

I blushed when Becky, the girl who doesn't like attention, made out with her husband for the first time as Mrs. Crowell. I mean, there is something to be said about a woman who's proudly waited 29 years. HELLO!

I honored signing the marriage license as a witness to their union though the bride and groom forgot to sign them at all.

Sitting in the limo warming up, as the sun was going down, waiting for the newly married couple to finish up a few pictures I watched as they snuggled and posed against a tree near the river by the big gazebo. Completely perfect.

I treasured being bitterness free! Y'all know as a single lady there could be a tendancy even in the happiest of moments to feel the twinge of jealously, to be bitter, to ask why not me. But I tell you in all truth, I was completely elated for and with her. I wanted to celebrate like it was going out of style, because how often does your best friend get married! So I twirled my way into the reception hall and danced all night for the joy of my sister marrying her best friend.

I appreciated Mike's every hug and calling me his sister as it was reassurance for me that I wasn't being replaced but that we were growing.



I love that I didn't cry a drop during my speech because the microphone was shoved in my face and I had no time to get emotional.

And I enjoyed worshipping side by side Mr. and Mrs. Mike Crowell on Sunday morning as they began their marriage going to the very church I invited Becky to 15 years ago. 

Can You Stand The Rain?

Tonight I smelled the storm. You know that smell right before a good rain comes? The dirt stirred up by the whipping air. The dampness hanging overhead, waiting. It was great. I wanted to go for a walk, a jog, a skip, a gallop, anything to stay, to smell, to be outside waiting for the storm to come.

But I walked to my car. Because, well, my crazy life doesn't allow me the leisure to stand outside in parking lots dancing around like a mad person for as long as I want. My life hollers for me to run here, go there, do this, see them, stop here. So, I rolled the windows down, welcoming the organic warning of rain.

A friend reminded me recently that storms don't last forever. No storm does. Not even a storm that flooded the entire earth. Tonight, thinking of the storms that have rolled through my life and the one soon to be rolling through St. Louis I found hope.

It's strange to me that I so easily welcomed a storm that would bring down more tree limbs, sweep in more gray clouds, and potentially leave people without electricity again. But when it comes to storms in my life, I resist. I roll up the window, bunker down in my bed, and wait.Wouldn't it be great if I could put my face to my storms like I do for rain? If I could delight in my Lord even in a down pour?

There's still hope. I may not be there yet, but I'm thinking with 2 years of tornado weather in my life I'm not the same girl I was when it first began and surely won't be the same when it does eventually end. And I'm confident of this, some day these crazy weather patterns for my life will end.  

Extraordinarily Plain

Have you seen this commercial?

I haven't tasted the yogurt but just by the commercial alone, I'm sure it's awesome!

Thoughts on Greek yogurt. It seems to be pretty popular right now.

For Better or For Worse

Happy March! Good news first.

Good news: It's March, which puts us one month closer to warm weather, flip flops, and bike riding. My Besty gets married in 11 days. Bambie is being released from the Disney vault.

Bad news: Farmer's Almanac says winter isn't over with unseasonable cold and significant snows still to come. Dear Mrs. Pulley passed today and yet the silver lining is she is with her Savior.

Losers Never Win

I lost at a game on Sunday that doesn't have winners or losers. I played the game "Would You Rather" with God. Scary territory. I of course, being the headstrong lady I am, changed the rules and in all practicality the entire game. It became an "I Would Rather" passive aggressive fight with God. Who was I kidding?

As you know, if you've followed my little spot here for any amount of time, life has not looked like what I thought it should at any point in the past 3 years. God has not met my expectations. In moments of spiritual strength (only given by the Spirit) I can handle this. In moments of weakness (doing it in my own strength), well, I play foolish games like this.

So Sunday, to put God in His place for again disappointing me over the weekend, I skipped church. That would show Him! Thus the game began. I'd rather skip church (which I NEVER do) than to go and be with YOUR people. I'd rather do, fold, and put away laundry (which I DESPISE) than talk to you. I'd rather read this book I have no interest in than listen to you. Of course, our Gracious Father would only let this go so far and then He would break my arrogant, misinformed, calloused heart.

I found myself through out the day, having to mentally stop myself from praying because I couldn't possibly talk to The One I was angry with. Then, I ran out of mental strength. I couldn't stop what my natural inclination was. I wanted to talk to God. I wanted to take my tears to Him, so he could bottle them up. I wanted to vent and be restored.

I crumbled on my bed, sobbing in only words He could understand. Game Over, I lost. I aapologized profusely for being angry with one who has loved me so well, who has graciously provided all things, who has carried me. And bringing before Him my worries.

A friend had encouraged me the previous day to not hold bitterness in my heart towards God. I heard it, responded, but didn't think it applied to me. I wasn't bitter, I was just momentarily angry. Well, those moments doubled on each other and other frustrations I had with God were thrown into the mix and tada, there I was that very evening into Sunday morning FUMING with my Savior.

I hate that I responded this way and yet I'm encouraged that it was a very quick process. He did not let me linger in my anger too long, but instead pulled me out of my pit, bringing conviction, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.

These areas are still sensitive. I still have deferred hopes, unmet expectations, desires in waiting. But, I am continuously being reminded by Him of His commitment to me. No, He will not meet my every expectation, I am a finite thinker, compared to an infinite God. He will supersede my expectations every time. I need to be looking for the new things He is and wants to be doing in my life instead clinging mercilessly to my plans, my hopes, my expectations. He, indeed, is SO much bigger than I can begin to give Him credit for.