Losers Never Win

I lost at a game on Sunday that doesn't have winners or losers. I played the game "Would You Rather" with God. Scary territory. I of course, being the headstrong lady I am, changed the rules and in all practicality the entire game. It became an "I Would Rather" passive aggressive fight with God. Who was I kidding?

As you know, if you've followed my little spot here for any amount of time, life has not looked like what I thought it should at any point in the past 3 years. God has not met my expectations. In moments of spiritual strength (only given by the Spirit) I can handle this. In moments of weakness (doing it in my own strength), well, I play foolish games like this.

So Sunday, to put God in His place for again disappointing me over the weekend, I skipped church. That would show Him! Thus the game began. I'd rather skip church (which I NEVER do) than to go and be with YOUR people. I'd rather do, fold, and put away laundry (which I DESPISE) than talk to you. I'd rather read this book I have no interest in than listen to you. Of course, our Gracious Father would only let this go so far and then He would break my arrogant, misinformed, calloused heart.

I found myself through out the day, having to mentally stop myself from praying because I couldn't possibly talk to The One I was angry with. Then, I ran out of mental strength. I couldn't stop what my natural inclination was. I wanted to talk to God. I wanted to take my tears to Him, so he could bottle them up. I wanted to vent and be restored.

I crumbled on my bed, sobbing in only words He could understand. Game Over, I lost. I aapologized profusely for being angry with one who has loved me so well, who has graciously provided all things, who has carried me. And bringing before Him my worries.

A friend had encouraged me the previous day to not hold bitterness in my heart towards God. I heard it, responded, but didn't think it applied to me. I wasn't bitter, I was just momentarily angry. Well, those moments doubled on each other and other frustrations I had with God were thrown into the mix and tada, there I was that very evening into Sunday morning FUMING with my Savior.

I hate that I responded this way and yet I'm encouraged that it was a very quick process. He did not let me linger in my anger too long, but instead pulled me out of my pit, bringing conviction, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.

These areas are still sensitive. I still have deferred hopes, unmet expectations, desires in waiting. But, I am continuously being reminded by Him of His commitment to me. No, He will not meet my every expectation, I am a finite thinker, compared to an infinite God. He will supersede my expectations every time. I need to be looking for the new things He is and wants to be doing in my life instead clinging mercilessly to my plans, my hopes, my expectations. He, indeed, is SO much bigger than I can begin to give Him credit for.