Over this amazing break I've had, I decided to take a minute and read a book my small group will be reading starting in the new year, Crazy Love by Francis Chan. My friend Amiee told me how fantastic it was, as did others, so I bought it. I'm the reader who starts a book, reading a few pages and then starts another book, eventually returning to the first one. I started this book weeks ago but couldn't quite get into it.
You see, I have to be honest in saying that my spirtiual life, essentially my life, has not been right with the Lord for a few months. Complacency snuck in, showing symptoms I simply ignored. When things aren't right in my relationship with Lord I can physically feel it. I knew things weren't right but I continued to dust it under the rug. Even as Christmas came and went I couldn't find it in myself to change. I was in a rut. I came to a point that I wanted to change, not because I love Christ but because I knew I should. It's the right thing to do. With that mindset, with that heartset, I didn't change. I celebrated Christmas, the birth of my Savior, without really be connected to him.
I went to church the Sunday after Christmas to hear a message that shook me up a bit. Jeff was talking about being a lukewarm Christian and how the Lord detests that. He'd rather me be hot or cold, but lukewarm he spits out. I realized I had become lukewarm. I questioned, when did this happen, how could this happen to me? I love God!
Well I took that message to heart and took a step to change, so I began reading Crazy Love. Little did I know that the Lord had a plan going this whole time to lead me to Him on my knees. Truth was revealed to me through reading those pages and I am delighted to share what I've learned.
The lukewarm Christian:
It just so "happens" that Crazy Love deals with this person. He gave a list of qualifiers found in the bible and when I got honest with myself I matched a great majority of them. I was broken, so I thought. The next chapter then went on to say that the lukewarm christian doesn't exist, can't exist, is an oxemoron. Because a Christian, isn't one who simply claims Christ, but obeys his commands. His greatest command is to love HIM. When I'm not loving him I'm not in Him. (James 2:19) He calls us to be devoted followers, not convient followers. Anyone who comes after Him, must deny himself. (Matthew 16:24-25) Anyone who does not give up everything cannot be His disciple. (Luke 14:33) He is an all or nothing God. SO when I cling so tightly to things of this world, when I relax in state of complacency, when I say to GOD ALMIGHTY that HIS larger than life LOVE is not compelling enough to draw me to Him, and ( the real kicker for me) when I tell GOD that he is not quiet in control enough to handle my past or my future love life (ouch) I'm saying I don't love God. And when I say or my actions say I don't love God. I am not His child.
My world completely shattered reading this. The walls I had built up completely crumbled. I was staring truth in the face and had nothing to combat it with. There was nothing to say, no words to justify. I had been judged fairly and found at fault. I saw that I was deserving of death of complete seperation from GOD. I could not stop sobbing. In my mind though I kept thinking of all the good things I had done, all the times people had told me what a good person I was. None soothed, because it's not enough. It's not enough that I do or that I am. The only thing that is enough is GOD and I for months had been indifferent to HIM. My only response was to repent. A real repentance because for the first time in a while I saw my need for grace.
You see the thing about God is that He could have justifiably left me on the floor exposed and weeping. He soveriegnly had the right to pass by my broken ego but....
Praise HIM that HE is not what I deserve! He is much more, so much better. Instead HE choose to show me HIS grace. His abounding, astounding grace. Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that can pardon and clean within. Grace, grace, God's grace that will free us from all our sin. SO I come away from reading that entire book having such a sweeter understanding 1) of my role as believer. This is for real. Not a game that He wants to play with us that we can sit indifferently and watch. And 2) this love that He has for me is absolutely, undeniably the craziest thing and my response must be to love Him just as crazily!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
The Fear
It's 4 days away from my 26th birthday. A dear old friend got me in the habit of allowing my birthday to linger for a week or so. So for the past 4 years I've been celebrating my birthday for days on end. There have been some magical moments.
This year though, I feel somehow distanced from people I love and memories to hold to. The season began bright with various friends mentioning fun things to do together. Yet with coming days nothing more has been spoken of them and each day that gets closer that I should be celebrating I get more sad.
I'm not sad that I'm not doing anything but sad that I don't hold a special place in 1 person's heart. 1 person that cares that it's my birthday and knows how excited I get when this time comes. I'm sad that I don't have that 1 person to share this with.
I'm realizing as I get older that the holidays really are a hard time of year and I'm not immuned to it. Thinking of loved ones lost during this time years ago. Thinking of love lost. Thinking of friendships changed. Thinking of my ever changing life. Thinking of this constant state of instability.
I know that marriage is not the cure all and comes with a world of other problems but in my selfish finite mind, I see it as that 1 person that is going through it all with me.
And even as I write I know that I am meant to be single for a purpose right now. And deep down I desire to be single right now, but there are moments of weakness, when it all seems just too much that it would be nice to share this with someone else. I'm then reminded that I have a slew of friends, a community of people that I love here, that God has provided me with. Still, I ache. I don't have that one, go to friend that I've had all of my life. Will life never be as it was? I feel this sense of loss often, that I don't have my core group as I had all throughout my highschool and college career.
Adult life is so very different than I expected. It has been some of the best times with so much freedom and choice and yet some of the worst times with so much freedom and choice. There have been real growth moments with God and me. Places where there was no other answer than God Is. And I suppose really that this is just another one of those moments.
The fear of being alone. The feeling of emptiness. The feeling of helplessness. And I must remember to answer that GOD IS. God is enough. God is deeper than my emptiness. God is capable. HE is. And when I choose to take this time to focus on all my havenots, I take away from this moment, Christmas, of clebrating all that HE is. All that I have in Him and all that I am in Him. When I choose to fear or live in inadaquecy and selfishness I'm saying that HE is not.
So my prayer this season, even before my potentially lame birthday, is that my heart is repositioned, not to look upon myself but to gaze upon Him. He, who is worthy of all praise, even in the midst of my loneliness. He who is.
This year though, I feel somehow distanced from people I love and memories to hold to. The season began bright with various friends mentioning fun things to do together. Yet with coming days nothing more has been spoken of them and each day that gets closer that I should be celebrating I get more sad.
I'm not sad that I'm not doing anything but sad that I don't hold a special place in 1 person's heart. 1 person that cares that it's my birthday and knows how excited I get when this time comes. I'm sad that I don't have that 1 person to share this with.
I'm realizing as I get older that the holidays really are a hard time of year and I'm not immuned to it. Thinking of loved ones lost during this time years ago. Thinking of love lost. Thinking of friendships changed. Thinking of my ever changing life. Thinking of this constant state of instability.
I know that marriage is not the cure all and comes with a world of other problems but in my selfish finite mind, I see it as that 1 person that is going through it all with me.
And even as I write I know that I am meant to be single for a purpose right now. And deep down I desire to be single right now, but there are moments of weakness, when it all seems just too much that it would be nice to share this with someone else. I'm then reminded that I have a slew of friends, a community of people that I love here, that God has provided me with. Still, I ache. I don't have that one, go to friend that I've had all of my life. Will life never be as it was? I feel this sense of loss often, that I don't have my core group as I had all throughout my highschool and college career.
Adult life is so very different than I expected. It has been some of the best times with so much freedom and choice and yet some of the worst times with so much freedom and choice. There have been real growth moments with God and me. Places where there was no other answer than God Is. And I suppose really that this is just another one of those moments.
The fear of being alone. The feeling of emptiness. The feeling of helplessness. And I must remember to answer that GOD IS. God is enough. God is deeper than my emptiness. God is capable. HE is. And when I choose to take this time to focus on all my havenots, I take away from this moment, Christmas, of clebrating all that HE is. All that I have in Him and all that I am in Him. When I choose to fear or live in inadaquecy and selfishness I'm saying that HE is not.
So my prayer this season, even before my potentially lame birthday, is that my heart is repositioned, not to look upon myself but to gaze upon Him. He, who is worthy of all praise, even in the midst of my loneliness. He who is.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
What I Know For Sure
Oprah has posed a question to mankind; what do you know for sure? I found this to be an interesting question in such a time as this. I began thinking and this is the list I have developed.
1. I am loved, undeserevedly, by the Lord of all creation.
2. I should have relished childhood more, instead of wishing adulthood so quickly.
3. My body will never move like it did when I was 14.
4. Time will never slow down. Instead, regardless of my disapproval, it will hurry along my life.
5. There will never be a more care free time than college.
6. True frienship is not easliy found.
7. There is something soothing in chocolate milk, even if you are lactose intolorant.
8. A baby's smile makes me reflect their same joy.
9. A child's laughter is contagious.
10. I will always have tears stored away for every occasion.
11. The first snowfall is always the most beautiful.
12. There is great benefit of looking at yourself for who you truely are, ugliness and beauty, and determining to be who Christ has made you to be.
13. Families are little boxs of complicated contradictions. At least my family is.
14. Your first true love will never be forgotten, regardless of the tactics you use to rid yourself of them.
15. There is a chemical reaction within a woman when she is in love or is pregnant that makes her glow.
1. I am loved, undeserevedly, by the Lord of all creation.
2. I should have relished childhood more, instead of wishing adulthood so quickly.
3. My body will never move like it did when I was 14.
4. Time will never slow down. Instead, regardless of my disapproval, it will hurry along my life.
5. There will never be a more care free time than college.
6. True frienship is not easliy found.
7. There is something soothing in chocolate milk, even if you are lactose intolorant.
8. A baby's smile makes me reflect their same joy.
9. A child's laughter is contagious.
10. I will always have tears stored away for every occasion.
11. The first snowfall is always the most beautiful.
12. There is great benefit of looking at yourself for who you truely are, ugliness and beauty, and determining to be who Christ has made you to be.
13. Families are little boxs of complicated contradictions. At least my family is.
14. Your first true love will never be forgotten, regardless of the tactics you use to rid yourself of them.
15. There is a chemical reaction within a woman when she is in love or is pregnant that makes her glow.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Me I See
Ok, here we go!
This is a validation of my singleness. I have always felt like blogs for families was the cutest idea ever. I couldn't wait until I had a family to do the same thing. I'm the girl who years ago wanted to send out a newsletter over the holidays to catch everyone up on my life. I never did because of the lingering thought of "that's for families."
As this age of technology has grown and the length of my time of singleness has increased, I've come the the conclusion that blogs, current day newsletters, are not just for familes. So, I'm joining what many of my friends have already been doing and blogging. I'm single yes, but can still do the things I hope to someday continue with my own family :)
So, to play the lovely game of catch up let's rewind 8 years!
I graduated highschool in 2001, to then pursue a career in Nursing at Hannibal LaGrange College. Upon entering college I realized that blood was not my thing and changed my major to Elementary Education. I graduted in 2006 with my degree and an endorsement in Middle School English. The years in between were some of the sweetest memories, many mistakes, and many glories. Going to a Christian college was possibly the best move I ever made. I grew so much in my walk with the Lord and am such a different person because of it.
Graduation came quickly, along with a wonderful job opportunity in the Hannibal Public School System. Who would have ever thought this city girl would end up working in Hannibal? Low and behold I love it! I have worked and lived in Hannibal for 3 years now. Each year coming with a new move! This weekend I actually thought about it and I have moved 10 times over the past 8 years. I'm pretty much over that now and am looking to settle down.
Currently I work at Eugene Field teaching 5th grade. In college I began thinking about doing missions as an occupation. Teaching is such an easy "in" when talking about overseas missions. My heart has always been for "there". The Lord has been showing me though that my "there" is right here! Hannibal is just as lost as the villigers of Africa and the merchants of Costa Rica. I don't have to leave the country right now to "do" missions. This is my mission field.
It comes with many challenges. I must constantly remind myself that this is not just a job, this is my mission, my ministry. I can easily be discourged by focusing on me and what I lack as a missionary but I must remember to keep my focus on Christ and making Him known within the hearts of my precious 5th graders and their families.
So, this is life as I know it right now, the superwarpedspeed summary of it at least. Until next time, much love!
This is a validation of my singleness. I have always felt like blogs for families was the cutest idea ever. I couldn't wait until I had a family to do the same thing. I'm the girl who years ago wanted to send out a newsletter over the holidays to catch everyone up on my life. I never did because of the lingering thought of "that's for families."
As this age of technology has grown and the length of my time of singleness has increased, I've come the the conclusion that blogs, current day newsletters, are not just for familes. So, I'm joining what many of my friends have already been doing and blogging. I'm single yes, but can still do the things I hope to someday continue with my own family :)
So, to play the lovely game of catch up let's rewind 8 years!
I graduated highschool in 2001, to then pursue a career in Nursing at Hannibal LaGrange College. Upon entering college I realized that blood was not my thing and changed my major to Elementary Education. I graduted in 2006 with my degree and an endorsement in Middle School English. The years in between were some of the sweetest memories, many mistakes, and many glories. Going to a Christian college was possibly the best move I ever made. I grew so much in my walk with the Lord and am such a different person because of it.
Graduation came quickly, along with a wonderful job opportunity in the Hannibal Public School System. Who would have ever thought this city girl would end up working in Hannibal? Low and behold I love it! I have worked and lived in Hannibal for 3 years now. Each year coming with a new move! This weekend I actually thought about it and I have moved 10 times over the past 8 years. I'm pretty much over that now and am looking to settle down.
Currently I work at Eugene Field teaching 5th grade. In college I began thinking about doing missions as an occupation. Teaching is such an easy "in" when talking about overseas missions. My heart has always been for "there". The Lord has been showing me though that my "there" is right here! Hannibal is just as lost as the villigers of Africa and the merchants of Costa Rica. I don't have to leave the country right now to "do" missions. This is my mission field.
It comes with many challenges. I must constantly remind myself that this is not just a job, this is my mission, my ministry. I can easily be discourged by focusing on me and what I lack as a missionary but I must remember to keep my focus on Christ and making Him known within the hearts of my precious 5th graders and their families.
So, this is life as I know it right now, the superwarpedspeed summary of it at least. Until next time, much love!
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