Wednesday Things

1. Do I even need to tell you how thrilled I am that my Cardinals are movin' and shakin' in the post-season? Now, in all honesty I must confess that I did think it wouldn't be the most terrible thing if they didn't go to the post season... because well my life kind of gets put on hold when we are in the post season. Late nights. Stats updates. Lower work performance. It's a bit exhausting but here we are and now WE MUST WIN.

2. Do you remember last year's World Series Song? What do you think it will be this year? This or maybe this?

3. Let's talk about my love of sweet potatoes and my love of cheesecake and how this just happened.

4. We all know my thoughts on my own singleness. I'm pretty vocal about it. I pray not in an obnoxious way, but more in a oh she wants to be married, I know a single guy that would be great for her way. Please tell me if I become this. Seriously..... seriously.

5. "I think singles must feel more acutely than most that we are 'aliens and strangers' in this world." 1 Peter 2:11. Want to read more, go here.

6. I blingged out a pumpkin tonight. I feel pretty bad about it. Like I've gone all Good Hair on it. This poor little pumpkin was just fine, even quite lovely in its natural orange state but then I came along and was all like, wouldn't you be prettier if you were white and sparkling. I know what you're saying... it's a pumpkin! But shall we just recall that I'm the girl who's beside herself with joy that I haven't killed my plant and I've had it for a month. You want to know what I do to keep it alive? I talk to it. Yep. Telling it how pretty it is and how badly I want it to live. I stroke its tender little leaves and I like never water it. Like ever. Except one time. Literally once and it's still alive. I think I've found my plant soul mate.

7. I got an awesome hair cut a few weeks ago. And I love my salon because they "teach" me as they go. I'm not a great learner when it comes to this stuff none the less I try real hard. Any way, I spent an inordinate amount of money to buy this shampoo especially meant for women with curly hair like mine. So you can imagine my shock after buying specialty shampoo and conditioner and going to a salon that knows how to cut curly hair when I found this rouge straight hair in my head among the gray scatterings. Such was my shock that I started snapping pictures in the fitting room.

8. I successfully missed watching the presidential debates tonight. I think this has got me pretty well covered and if not that than this should offer some help before voting day.

9. Um.... along with these political ads being over I'm wishing scary movie/show previews were over too. Driving down the highway today I saw a billboard for a haunted house with a creepy mask on it Because creepy masks aren't scary enough until they're plastered on billboards.

10. I'm turning 30 in T-minus 2 months and I still don't have an evening face washing routine. Things I thought I should have down by now. Discuss.
....no but seriously...

buses and men {it's hard waiting for either}

Bus! She sees them lined up outside waiting for her. It's been a long day, a long wait for the bus. She hits and claws as she is escorted to her next activity only wanting to be going to the bus. Bus! she yells dropping to the floor, crying. All she wants is the bus that will carry her away from this place to where she longs to be. She doesn't know that I want the bus for her too, that I'm not withholding the bus from her. She doesn't understand that it's just not time yet. Bus time is near but not quite yet.

Even as I write this I cry just as I did that exhausting day. I cried because it was a little message to me. Let's make me "She", "Bus" husband, and "I" God.

Husband! I see them lined up outside waiting for me. It's been a long wait for a husband. I hit and claw or yell and cry as I'm led to my next phase in life, only wanting a husband. Husband! I yell, dropping to the floor, crying. All I want is a husband that will carry me away from this place of loneliness to where I long to be. I don't know that God wants a husband for me too, that He's not withholding a husband from me. I don't understand that it's just not time yet. Marriage is near but not quite yet.

Watching her throw a fit, knowing that the clock was ticking and soon enough our day would be over and she would have bus, gave me so much more patience and compassion for her as I saw myself.

I don't want to waste anymore of my life weeping and whaling over buses. God has told me, no good thing will He withhold from me. If I don't have it right now, I don't need it right now.

Here's what my sweet friend Ashlie from Ashlie Writes said that I desperately needed to hear:

This morning I'm thinking of the sweet soul who is dried up and discouraged in a situation or season that has been dragging on for what seems like forever...God hears you. You're not alone. Keep trusting, even if you don't "see" any progress. God has a way of working in ways that we don't see...and that's where faith comes in. If your faith is weak today, know that you are being held up in prayer :) God is into bringing life into what seems dead, rebuilding the broken, restoring what seems lost, and bringing the surviving to a place of thriving. It doesn't always look the way we think it should...but remember He is always GOOD. Hang in there!! Rain IS coming to your wilderness :)

"For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." - Isaiah 43:19

weekend

Crunchy leaves.
Lake.
Cardigans.
Autumnal colors.
Friends.
Chilled breezes.
Late night.
Star gazing.
Tender moments.
S'mores.
Obnoxious singing.
Ice cream and diet cokes.
Hay.
Candy Corn.
Sweet children.
Laughter.
Tears.
Worship.
Naps.
Secret smiles.
And inside jokes.
Country music.
Quiet moments.

I. Love. This. Season.

Wednesday Things

1.Hallelujah! Blogger finally got my message and fixed the dang thing so spell check is back! I'll go ahead and tell you I've been writing in word cause I just like to type and have the freedom to mess up, knowing that a red line will pop up for my every mistake! I ride or die by the red line. That's right, I said it. Ride. Or. Die. Nope it doesn't make sense but that's how I roll over here! Whaaa.

2. OMGersh! Have you been counting down? Because I have. 3-0 in 2 months. WHAT!!! Where has the time gone. I was like oh I'll do that before I'm thirty and look at that, here I am 2 months and some days before 30. So... there's that. I may or may not have panic attacks occasionally about this fact. Some days there's so much excitement I could almost burst because somewhere in my head 30 will look like Sex and the City minus all the sex. Then other days I come back to reality, seeing my life looking a bit more like 13 Going on 30 except more on the 13 side.

3. Speaking of. I've fancied myself listening to the radio more these days. Ask me why? I have NO idea. Scratch that I have 3 ideas.(1, 2, 3) These three songs came on in a row today and I had to remind myself I was not 16 years old. If you're ever in the area and you pass a wild curly haired girl driving down the highway drumming on the steering wheel, seemingly singing at the top of her lungs with choreographed shoulder and hand moves it's me. Don't ask questions. Just know that 1 of these 3 songs is playing and I've exited mature adulthood for 4 minutes or more.

4.Did you read this? Cause I'm just putting it out there, I DO! 

5. And can I eat about a 10 of these a day and never get sick...ever?

6. Are we going to talk about this? But could we not talk about how bad I am with names. Like how I, even to this day, get Ryan Gosling mixed up with Jon Gosselin. I was all like what's the big whoop with Ryan Gosling. Is he what we're considering a heart throb these days. Yowzers! I now know the error of my ways. 

7. While we're at what we're not going to talk about, we're also not talking about how much I cry at Parenthood... every week...multiple times an episode. uggghh.
8. I may have fallen asleep with my laptop in bed with me. I may have realized I will never be that parent who has babies sleeping in the bed with them. I mean I know this slimline computer is lacking those precious chubby cheeks, rolly legs, tiny facial features, gurgles, and that sweet baby smell. *sigh*
9. If this is true. I need to be apologizing for like nearly every conversation I have.... pleeeeease tell me their wrong.
10. I'm going camping this weekend. I mean staying in a cabin and having mostly DElicious meals prepared. What?

with eyes wide open

It’s officially Autumn weather here in the STL. Maybe even a bit cooler than the average October. I don’t mind though, cause that means necessary layers which I love, but which looks and feels terrible in the summer. I don’t, however, like to layer it up while I’m at home. It’s a very strange thing. I actually wear as little clothing as possible while still maintaining proper roommate etiquette all throughout the year. So when I’m home and freezing cause we don’t want to turn the heat on there’s a problem.

The problem with turning the heat on so early though is that she wins. She, being Mother Nature and I look and feel like a wuss. She pulled a fast one here though. One day it was literally 83 degrees and the very next day it was 53. Wuss! Oh my word, I was such a wuss. I pulled out my heater fan, which I just think is the best thing ever, and warmed myself up.

However brilliant heater fans are, they are big energy suckers for being such small things.  None the less, my roomy had the same wussing out- heater fan experience. One thing led to the other and we flipped our breaker. Not such a big deal on a Saturday morning at 4 am when everyone gets up to their cell phone alarm anyway. It was a bigger deal when I was in the shower at 7 and the lights went out. You never really know just how dark those windowless interior rooms are until you’re unexpectedly left in the dark… in the shower, potentially already having your eyes closed… because it’s 7 in the morning on a Saturday… and you’re still not quite awake.

As I stood in that shower for those few confusing moments of darkness I thought about……. how dark it was. I know, pretty profound right? But really it was for me. I often do close my eyes in the shower and in those moments I could not tell whether my eyes were opened or closed. That’s how dark it was. But then the lights came back on and I could clearly tell darkness from light- eyes shut or eyes open.

2 Corinthians 4:4 says “In their case (those who are perishing vs.3) the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.”

I thought about how the god of this world, Satan, works and how he so blinds people that when they are in the dark they don’t know when their eyes are opened or when their eyes are shut. When in darkness, they don’t know that they are necessarily in darkness. It all looks the same with eyes open or with eyes shut.

But then light comes. John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  When the light comes it clearly distinguishes between dark and light. I know for certain whether my eyes are opened or closed. Even if I chose to keep them closed I know that light is on the other side.

Matthew 4:16 says “the people who walked in darkness have seen a great light,… on them a light has dawned.” 

 A light has graciously dawned on those who believe. It was no work that we did to make the light shine, it simply did and at that moment our eyes were opened. We don’t yell at physically impaired blind people to see because they in themselves cannot change their circumstances. Likewise, it is pointless to yell at a spiritually blind person. Instead, with eyes wide open, we speak of what light is like and pray that they too would have eyes pried open stepping out of darkness into glorious light.

what's in a name?

{Here on Hodiamont}


Peppermints. Who could have known but an 80 year old woman and the bottom of her purse how wildly popular peppermints would be among neighborhood kids. It’s hilarious. We gave some to some kiddos today and they began to pound down the door in droves asking for peppermints. In one batch of kids there was not one face that I recognized. So I asked them their names. Remember. Promise. Joy. Patricia. It seems as though someone got the short stick in the game of meaningful names.

Seriously though, when I heard them first come out of their mouths I was like whaaa these are some crazy names. Specifically Remember and Promise (who is a boy). But as I looked at them and thought about this very season in my own life their names became so beautiful and priceless to me. I don’t know that I’ll explicitly name my child remember or promise but a name meaning those very words is quite possible.

I’m sure when the day comes for me to have children I’ll want their names to be meaningful, some how embodying all the wrestling I went through with God to have them. I’ll need it for myself to remember the kindness of the Lord but also for them. For those days when I just don’t want to be a mom, when I don’t want to step back and discipline in love. When I don’t want to be patient or gentle. When I just want them to be in bed silent and asleep or saying respectful kind words to mommy. I’ll need those names repeating in my head as I’ve said them over and over throughout the day. Names like I longed and He provided, I wept and He saw, He heard my cries and answered, He is near to the brokenhearted. Names that are not just true for this season of waiting in my life but that are true forever about Him; faithful, good, provider, redeemer, Savior, Creator, God Almighty. I’ll just go ahead and tell you I’m not naming a child of mine God Almighty. So… there’s that. (sigh of relief).

At first glance it does seem as if peppermint Patty got the short stick in meaningful names but in reality her name is just as meaningful. Noble. Gentle, dignified, and excellent. So, I will Remember the Promise of my Noble Father with Joy.





“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days Trajedi” –George Carlin, Brain Droppings

Garbage Over Glory

{Here on Hodiamont}
I was eating eggs looking out my huge front windows that open up to the courtyard below and the parking lot with the dumpster to the side. If I sit in the right spot I can look over all the buildings and just see trees. I can imagine it a quaint little spot in the city. Our apartment is warm, cozy, and inviting. It's easy to just kind of get lost up here. To hear the laughter and voices of children and families below but not actually ever really see them. On this day I was taking time to see them. To watch them. Had someone looked up at me watching them it might have looked a little strange but the Lord was speaking truth to my heart and I could not pry my eyes away.

Behind the overflowing dumpster sat 2 mattresses. Mattresses meant to be picked up with the other trash in the coming days. Trash that’s teeming with bacteria, bugs, and I’m sure rodents of sorts. The dumpster’s sides caked with food remnants, trash from bathroom’s, and unwanted filth. Still, behind this dumpster, just mere feet from it sat these mattresses on the ground. I looked on as children began to come out to play. Where else would they go but to the mattresses. Trampolines, to the children here. Others got out their soccer balls and began kicking them in the middle of the parking lot, having no regard for the vehicles they may hit accidentally. All the while a park lay on the opposite end of the dumpster lot. A park that has play ground equipment to swing on and jump off. A park that has a soccer field with a goal setup. This beautiful park sits right next to the parking lot that the children play in. They’d rather play in the dumpster and cramped spaces than to enjoy the park that’s built for what they actually want to do.

As I stared at them I thought of myself. I too, often choose the dumpster. I choose to jump on the bedbug ridden mattresses rolling around in trash rather than the park that I can see from my squalor. I choose my sin over and over again though God has given me, through Jesus, freedom from the sin that bound me and a direct path to abundant life. I imagine myself jumping on those mattresses and thinking about the green fields I’d want to run in, thinking about the freedom that I want to have if only I could get to the park.

The park is here. The way is clear. I need but to step out of the filth that so easily entangles me. To choose the green grass instead of the trash. To choose the swings instead of the mattresses. To choose life instead of death. The thing is though, that sometimes as disgusting and putrid as this trash is, I just can’t say no. Hallelujah for Yahweh knowing that about me. Knowing that I would choose garbage over glory. So, He placed His very Spirit in me that leads me away from the garbage I desire, to the glory He has destined. Amen and amen for a God who sees and knows me and has provided the way for me.

Wednesday Things

1. So, I had a contest to see who had the best Pumpkin Spice Latte. This place won and then when friends went to get the freshly made maple pumpkin latte they were all out. Ummm... sorry about that. But can you blame them? I mean everything is fresh. Like straight up fresh pumpkin. Like straight up real maple syrup. Yum!
2.We had some wild crazy storms tonight that beat against my windows that bowed with the wind. I had visions of them shattering and cutting my retna. I then made an action plan if such a thing were to happen. Step one, pre-dial 911. This isn't the first time I've pre-planned an action plan in case of emergency. I kind of do it all the time.
3. Remember all those times I've been like Tuesdays blow!? Well, I just experienced my Tuesday night tv line up and I have to say it blows a lot less. I won't be productive at all after 7 but in between commercials. New Girl, Ben and Kate (still debating), another New Girl, The Mindy Project, Parenthood. Oh my! Pretty fantastic. Can we just talk about how I nearly pee myself laughing with Mindy? Can we not talk about how that's 3 hours of my life I'll never get back wasted on tv? It's not that big of a deal if that's all the tv I watch in a week, right? Well, besides Parks and Rec and potentially The Office since it's the last season.... So, turns out I might end being a couch potato on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Whatevs
4. Have you heard about the bacon shortage! Heart break! I think I might make a sausage stuffed pork tenderloin wrapped in bacon.

I googled this and it's legit! Go here for the recipe!

5. Have you seen this! Holy moly!
6. I don't know that I've shared with you my love for drumlines. Like, I was a bit obsessed with the movie. Like when I hear one I stop in my tracks and am filled with joy. Like I hear one practicing in the distance every Tuesday morning when I arrive to work, which I think is the only thing that helps me get through that day. Like watching a competition could be top 5 on my bucket list. Love them!
7. I don't know what the what Gangnam style is, nor how to pronounce it. Cause I may be calling it gingham style, which I'm quite postive is not what all the rage is about right now. So, I urban dictionaried it and I still don't get it but the song is catchy.
8. Even better combine number 6 and 7 and you get this!

9. Lets talk about number 9? Maybe not, too soon.
10. And these apple cider floats. WHAAA! Umm.. yes. You know I love me some fall! And these seem easy enough for me to actually make and enjoy!

Happy Wednesday~XXO

Oh Won’t You Be My Neighbor

There are a plethora of kiddos in the new place. Always a knock on the door asking for mints, selling for some fundraiser, or just wanting to chat. We open the door to the nations in our complex. Children from every ethnic background standing on my porch. Sometimes , when I just don’t have the time to entertain a slew of kids, I just look through the peep hole at their sweet little faces. It’s amazing really. Some of these kids I know from doing ministry in the community. Others I’ve seen around. And still others I meet as they bombard the front door.

The other day 2 little ones came over. And being an apartment of 3 educators we invited them in on the basis of if they could answer grade level questions. Once they were in we chatted a bit and I found myself being curled into by a kiddo who was looking at recipes with me, helping me decide what to make for the night. It was one of the weirdest/sweetest things. I had just met this little one and they already felt safe enough in our presence to be themselves. I loved that. I must say at the exact time that I felt honored to be trusted so much I thought of how I hadn’t actually earned that trust and how easily they trusted nearly anyone. I pray for their protection as they gallivant around the complex. That God would continue to bring them to trustworthy people.

A few days ago I was leaving for the evening, when a kiddo I used to tutor saw me and came running yelling my name. She plowed into me with a huge hug, which apparently set off the other kids who came running hugging me as well. I set my coffee down on the roof of my car and continued the hug fest. Prying them off of me, I said my goodbyes and got into my car. Savoring living in the community I do, I grabbed my coffee and took a drink to only be initially repulsed by the smell of my own hands. In the throws of all the hugging, my hand must have slipped into a child’s armpit. Any armpit is pretty nasty but a kiddos armpit is like 20 times worse because they haven’t yet experienced deodorant. As I recalled whose pit it might have landed in I was overcome with gratitude that I am a place of safety, trust, and hugs for many of the kids here. Drinking my coffee with the smell of the pit still lingering didn’t bother me as much then and in fact was kind of endearing.

There is never a dull moment here. Never. People always coming and going. Children always running and playing. Mothers and fathers lingering on sidewalks talking, laughing, and listening to music. A father in the community died unexpectedly last week in a car accident. The mother attempted suicide this weekend. Today a fight broke out between two Sunday picnickers. It’s never dull.

Always opportunities to engage, to pray, to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting community. Always opportunities to be loved on, cared for, laughed with, and talked to.

I love this place. It’s only been 3 weeks. I know I’ve yet to experience all the community has to offer; the good, the bad, and the ugly but the Lord is bringing me to a place of seeing it all and knowing before my eyes ever beheld it He saw. He cared. He burdened hearts to enter in. It’s small and seemingly insignificant but He is working on Hodiamont.



Here's a picture that has nothing to do with what I just wrote,
 but I know people love pictures. This is from our recent church
picnic in the park.

Starbucks vs Kaldis {Pumpkin Spice Latte challenge}

It’s officially fall and I can barely contain myself. I want to eat pumpkin at every meal and a pumpkin spice latte every morning. OMGersh! So at the first hint of fall, a day of fall festivals at that, I set out on the search to find the best pumpkin spice latte. At the likelihood of sounding like Goldilocks and the 3 bears I’m going to tell you about each of the stops. Stop 1 was Dunkin Donuts. Another blogging friend raved about their iced pumpkin spice latte. I had to try it! I wish I hadn’t started with this one. I think one of the factors I love most about the PSL is the warmth on a brisk fall day. I can’t cuddle up to ice or a drink that smells so warm yet feels so cold. Besides the ice, the combination was so sugar heavy. I like the bitterness of coffee. This drink masked that and while at it masked the actual pumpkin flavor. Oh, it was a sad start. Next was stop 2, Panera (or for the St. Louisans who refuse to acknowledge it as such, St. Louis bread company). Learning my lesson from DD, I got the hot latte. Holding the cup in my hands gave me visions of knitting/crocheting cozies for all my to go cups (that I actually don’t yet own because I’m actually not all that “green”). None the less, I took A sip and nearly wanted to spew. If DD was “sugar heavy” Panera topped the block with just straight up sugar. I like sugar like anyone else but it was SERIOUSLY disturbing how like syrup their pumpkin spice latte was. And that was before I even stirred up the whip cream that sat on top. Ick! I’ve never been more disappointed in Panera. Well, except for the time someone told me about finding a tooth in their salad! A TOOTH. Next, stop 3 at Starbucks. Now, the dilemma here is I know it’s going to be good. In years past I’ve gone here because there was no question as to if I would like their Pumpkin Spice Latte. It’s Starbucks for Pete’s sake. Coffee is what they do. Fudge on the coffee and you fudge on a multibillion dollar corporation. The question here wasn’t will I like it, but is it the best. So, to make this decision I brought in a friend of mine and we shared small PSLs from here and stop 4, Kaldis. Now, I have to tell you I likey the Kaldis. The hipster in me prefers it to the world renowned Starbucks only because it’s a smaller business and more local”ish”. I myself was skeptical of Kadlis ability to make a great PSL.

Our conclusion: Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is delicious. It is the faithful friend you can call up any time of day for the perfect blend of bitter and sweet. It’s so good. But Kaldis. Kaldis’ Maple Pumpkin Latte is the friend that is the same kind of bitter as you in the morning. It has the undertone of sweet but the face value of what you really need in the morning, a good wake me up. It is bitter without being harsh and is absolutely scrumptious! So for our little survey here Kaldis is the winner. However, that does not negate the fact that Starbucks is still delicious and will be had for nostalgia by this girl throughout the season. But when I need coffee to speak some bitter truth to this groggy soul it will be Kaldis.

from the bitter

Do you ever feel like you have just fallen behind on life? That's where I am these days. A bitterness creeping in because I can't find time to wipe my mirrors down or go on a date. To figure out what the hell  that film is on my car windows or have a baby. A feeling of complete distance from a dream I thought I was pursuing only to realize one day 3 months have gone by and I haven't actually moved one step closer to making that a reality. The feeling of epic sized failure when I think about the last time I communicated with those friendships that are dependent on me to stay alive. And then more bitterness that so many of my friendships are like this only given the justification that I am  single and childless so it's easier for me to make contact.

Oh the bitterness. My friends, it's an ugly place to be at, I know, but I think there's actually freedom in admitting everything is not "ok". There's freedom in saying this phase blows.  There's freedom to not put on a fake smile and pretend, but to instead just be real.  That's where I am.

I don't write this to receive some pep talk or weak "sympathetic" smile. I also don't want your scolding for using the word "hell" or for saying I'm not content in my singleness. Don't bother to tell me God's waiting for me to be "REALLY content in Him" because I could really smack the content off of someones face. I write this because I need to vent and my hand cramps when I write for longer than 5 minutes. Thanks technology. I write this because maybe there's someone who needs to know God can handle my frustration. And not just my frustration but my flat out anger and disappointment. All of my hurts, brokeness, and sin, He can handle it and isn't put off by me. He alone can also know my heart. To know that I will NEVER be able to love anyone the way I love Him. To know that I'm shaken to the core some nights at the overwhelming thought of His majesty and profound love for me. It's because of this confidence in my postion as His beloved daughter that I'm safe to be angry, to be hurt, to be frustrated, to be discontent. He doesn't change. My standing with Him doesn't change. His deep love for me doesn't change. And just because I'm angry or discontent with my postion in life right now it doesn't mean that my love for Him has wained any. Does He piss me off with His timing or seeming silence? Absolutely! But I still know His good intentions and that everything He does or doesn't do is motivated by love. I still know He is faithful. He is good. He is true to His promises even if I don't fulfill my side of the deal. I write this because sometimes I just need to preach truth to myself.

That time that I posted my Monday post on Wednesday night

I knew it was going to be a manic Monday when I woke up to the slam of my roommate shutting the door behind her. I scanned my clocks and alarms and realized either they never want off or I never heard them. My mind focuses on the music playing and I realize I've set my alarm to music. In a whim of, I wonder if I'll be happier when I wake up to music rather than an alarm. Problem is, I don't wake up to music.
And besides that, the dream I apparently couldn't lure myself away from went a little bit like this: I was hacking up something at an Opera like event. Running to the bathroom because I thought I might spew I ran into The X. Like literally ran into him. Hand covering mouth, head down, more like charged him. Choking on whatever nastiness was coming up I waved apologies and continued on. Graphic events occurred between me and my spit. I walk out to find such drama taking place. X's new lady has found her old guy. My friend is with her guy. X is yelling at me for charging him and her for leaving him. I am glad to be alive and loogie free. (Is that too much? That seems so gross, but the dream was centered around it. reason #12  why I'm single for a reason?) Anyhow, happy as a clam was I that instead of arguing back with him I simply apologized and walked everyone back to my balcony seats where we all sat happily ever after. What! Dreams are strange.
Another problem is that there are 3 cartons of eggs in our miniature fridge. I was going to have eggs for breakfast but out of habit made cereal instead. So, I'm thinking I'm going I have to try my hand at quiche if we're ever getting rid of all these eggs.
I know these things are not the real equivalent of a manic Monday but to happen in the span of 30 mins after waking up was feeling like it. I wish Sunday was my fun day, an I don't have to run day. Instead it was a busy busy day and now the new week is already here.
At least it's not Tuesday though!

Happy Birthday to my favorite curly brown haired niece! You are my favorite thing about today.

I'm alive and other babble

Hey so remember that time I was like Oh hey guys, just getting settled into the new place but will come back to blogland soon. Smooches and kissypoos.

Umm... ya, about that... It's 11:00 pm as I begin to type this and I'm thinking about all the other stuff that I've yet to get started on like I said I was going to this week; like reading the rest of the information for an interview I have later this week over doctrine and theology. Who's life is this!? When did I start having interviews over doctrine and theology and when did I become so almost relaxed over an interview about such big words that I wouldn't be studying my ACE off for the past 3 weeks. I'm also taking an online class that I haven't even visited the sight in oh lets say 3 weeks. So glad it's "go at your own pace" and "not actually for a grade". Problem is though, that after 3 weeks and a move I'm not sure that I even remember my password. Fail.
Let's also talk about how much I hated this move for various reasons but maybe the number one reason because I broke all my daggum fingernails! I mean to tell you every last one of them are gone! SO now I've got these stubs for fingers and haven't had the time to even paint them. SO what I'm telling you is that I have man hands right now and have for 2 weeks. 2 weeks people! I'll also just put it out there that I may or may not be going on 3 weeks in row of wearing my hair up in a pony or a bun. Not because I'm reminiscing ballerina days (because I didn't have any) rather because I haven't had time nor ambition to go shopping for my awesome shampoo/conditioner. So I've been using crudy shampoo and let me just tell you, once your hair folicals go fancy they don't take to going back to cheapo kindly.
I told you it's been a rough move, ... for all of me.
But a positive is, just today I got to partake in Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Spice Iced Latte. I wasn't supeer impressed with the drink, just loved that it's time to have pumpkin spiced everything in my life again. OH I LOVE IT!
Autumn, love of my life, is also a season where I feel particulary in the mood for a relationship with a man. For clarity purposes I also tend to be in this mood Winter, Summer, and Spring. So... feeling particulary in need of a husband and a child today I bought a cactus. I know the two thoughts may not coincide for you but it makes since for my life right now.
I can't possibly manage a dog, cat, bunny, or hammster for that matter. A pet bird is ludicris for me, I'd rather just put birds on everything I own (thank you Portlandia). I've killed every other plant that has come into contact with my hands. Orchids, supposedly as easy as 1 ice cube however often, KILLED IT. I can't just run up to a local grocery and purchase a family and even if I could I wouldn't actually have time to be a wife and mother to them this month... so cactus it was. I only have to water it once a month! That's amazing! So, I'll name it like it's a pet, talk to it like a husband, and care for it like a child. I may or may not be posting pictures later. FYI- that usage of may or may not actually meant I might post pictures, I'm not really sure yet. I know I've used it other times to signify that I definitely did or am going to to so something. Just wanted to clear that up for you.
It's officially 2 hours and 19 minutes passed my bedtime of which I've yet to abide by since moving. So... I should probably go to sleep now.

I'm Moving In The Rain {you know the tune}

Hey! Remember that time

I told you I was thinking about moving?

Well, that thought turned into

ACTION.

And that action is taking place this week.

Right in the middle of a midwest Tsunami.

So...

Please pardon my absence.

I'm moving over here!

See ya after the holiday.

I'll have some funny stories.

Or maybe just one.

And maybe not funny, but more awkward.

It confirmed another reason

why I'm moving.

Let's just say

I've seen far too many old men

in their underoos here.

I'M OUT! 

Wednesday Things

Blogger still hasn't fixed their site to include spell check. We'll see if I care enough to go back and correct mistakes.

1. I'm currently listening to Whitney Houston playlist on Spotify because I'm missing the Whitney Houston tribute concert at the park. I feel pretty sorry for myself, except for the fact that I didn't even know it was happening until like 5 hours ago. So...

2. I ran in The Color Run! I mean like I jogged in the beginning for .5 miles and then really ran the last .5 miles. Like hurdeling someone who was rolling on the ground in yellow, dodging people and trees, running on sidewalks. I couldn't stop my legs when I saw the finish line. I bolted and it was the best feeling ever! Who the what am I?!

3. Things just recently fell into place to move A--GAIN. So, I move next weekend! What the what?! Brilliant idea. Pack and move in one of the busiest times of the year for me. When else would I do it? Why not get overwhelmed with everything all at once and then be settled. We'll see if this is bad logic. I already have an inkling. (I could really use spell check for that word.)

4. A moment of brutal honesty: 1) I shop at Walmart. And I like it. I even sometimes buy grocieries there because it's so convient to get everything I need in one spot. One of my favorite shirts is from Walmart. Scandelous I know. 2) I love McDonalds. I've tried to deny it but I'm just tired of that. My fave meal, the classic: cheeseburger with fries and a diet coke. It is maybe one of my absolute favorite things in the world. In fact I took a picture of a McDonalds bag when in Boston returning from London. I deleted it because I was embarassed of how happy I was to have McD's. 3) I also really like White Castles. I can't even begin to explain it, it just is what is. 4) We've talked about my love for Quick Trip. Originally it was for cheap gas and pellet ice. But let me just tell you QT has some mad game. If you haven't had a slice of cheesecake from there you must! I've only had it once in my life because A slice was 800 calories.... so not super healthy but TOTALLY delish.  5) I reuse ziploc bags. * It feels really good to confess all that.

5. I've made my bedtime 9pm because I like to get up at 5am well rested. This plan won't work on Monday's because of a bible study that doesn't get over until after 9, Tuesdays because of a late night show, Wednesdays because of small group that ends at 9, or Fridays because who goes to bed at 9 on Fridays? The plan works brilliantly on Thursdays.

6. I'm still in mourning over the Olympics. I'm so grateful though for friends who send me pictures of gorgeous athletes.
*** I really tried looking for a good picture to put here but the only great ones I found were from sites with domain names involving sexy olympic men. How true degrading.*** 


7. I went to the library and found a hilariously inappropriate book called Haiku for the Single Girl. Some poems were hilarious, others too raunchy, and still others that were a little to close to home that they hurt a little bit.

I feel its approach,
Inevitable as death:
Internet dating.

8. I may or may not be on the lookout for colored jeans. I hate it when I break my own fashion rules but I just can't stop imagining myself in a pair. I'm thinking green, although that may draw out my green undertones and make me look ogorish. It really happens and it's really not pretty.

9. Until I get those jeans I pretty much only want to live in sweat pants these days. I don't know what happened. Except that I do. And let me tell you this phase gets ugly. It comes with a cold, no interest in folding laundry or cleaning, or showering for that matter. It happens to me throughout the year, when I really have to convince myself that it's good to get clothes out of the closet rather than out of the hamper. Oh lazy phases.

10. I think the entire world is giving birth from the month of Decemeber to February. I however am not. I read of a group who is getting together to ban baby pictures on Facebook. Ummm... I'm not apart of the legitimate baby hating group, however all the status updates about the progress of babys is about to drive me mad. I can't eat a plum without thinking Peggypregger's baby is about this size.

11. In 4 months I'll not be able to say I'm in my twenties anymore. I'm not sure how to feel about this just yet. I already round up because I feel like words of a 30 year old are a bit more credible than words of a 29 year old. I mean what do they know, they're still in their twenties. I'm totally accidently an ageist. I really just realized this. Anywho, it's one thing to fake 30 for street cred. and another thing to legitimately be 30 and single with no prospects or children or a house or a nightly face washing routine.

12. I blame one of my students for the Justin Beiber playlist that is now on my spotify. I blame her for having me add to it everyday. I blame her that its stuck in my head. But I can't actually blame her when I listen to it at home... dang it Bieber.

Happy Tuesdays?

I hate Tuesdays but I still really love it that my dad wants to protect me from dangerous places. "I'll let you do it, but I'm not happy about it." This is what he said to make my Tuesday happy. I really love that man.

London {chunks of my heart} part 4

We spent one day out in Central London exploring. I was on a tour with my new friend Ed (whom you'll see in pics.) and others. I typically don't like touristy places so we spent alot of time in East London. Specifically Brick Lane area then headed into central and at least caught a glimpse of everything else. When I move there maybe I'll take time to visit things.... but maybe not.



Wednesday Things

1. If ever you should have to survive on an island with an average Jane chef that has limited resources you should choose me. I made ravioli with spinach and tomatoes in an electric skillet with a spatula! I've had to make lots of things in this little skillet for the past year with a spatula. Today's conquest of pasta was a success.

 2. Let me not lead you astray, that island mentioned above would have to have electricity and a store that sold frozen ravioli and spinach and canned tomatoes. I don't garden, I kill things. And I mean I kill plants, not like I hunt. Cause I don't do that either. I also don't swim in oceans.... you know what, come to think of it, I may not be your best choice if you're looking for survival.

3. This weekend is The Color Run.... I already told you my feelings on that.

4. I've been walking at a park near my house. Everyone else there is jogging. Blah. Today I went right after work because I felt laziness setting in and knew if I came home I'd never get back out. So, yes, I went in my work clothes, which today consisted of a frilly blue tank under a coral deep cut tank and a maxi white skirt with my Toms. Needless to say I didn't look the part of an athlete. At least when I'm in my "workout" clothes (which also double as my bedtime clothes and cleaning clothes) I can pretend I'm cooling down or gearing up for a big run. In this getup, everybody knows the non-athlete.

5. Sitting on the bench after my walk, a woman with a rambuncous dog that I feared was going to start dry humping my leg said I looked so peaceful. Those words were all I needed to justify my walking in my flower power skirt. To others who passed by with their jogging and bike riding I imagined them, inbetween their sharp breaths and rythmic feet thuds, thinking I was so peaceful instead of thinking who's the hippy on the bench!?

6.The dogs are barking upstairs and I would gladly punt each of them out the door to shut them up. And I mean that in the nicest, most animal freindly way.

7. This past weekend was filled with birthdays, avoiding weddings, brunch, and great friends. Went to this new to me place, Rooster. If you are a St. Louisan you must go here. If you're stopping by St. Louis swing by here. It's mostly out of the way unless you're hanging out in the downtown area but it's delish. Crepes oh plenty and other things that I didn't care about because I was craving me some crepe!

8. I'm pretty much obsessed with this now.

9. Numbers 29 and 33.

10. Did you watch the closing ceremonies. Can't get this out of my head.

11. My spellcheck here just stopped working. You wouldn't believe the fury that ran through me. I'm pretty much laost withouts sit. Dang it!

And I really, really, really wanna zingazingahh. 

London {chunks of my heart} part 3

I didn't feel quite as awful at book tables as I did at door to door. In various communities we set up book tables, handed out leaflets, and prayer walked. Along most of the sidewalks were so many others handing out things it didn't seem so out of the norm to be handing out another leaflet to people, even if this one they received brought up questions about their god(s) and Jesus Christ.

We were encouraged before going that we are not peddlers. 2 Corinthians 2:17 "Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God." It was so hard to keep this in mind standing near others who were selling their goods and in some cases their gods. How do I make God look better than what they're pushing? I confess, this was a mindset I went in and out of. Realizing I was trying to "out sell" them I'd repent and return to humbly handing fliers and smiling, as that crosses all language barriers. My God, the God of the universe, is better. He is I AM and there is not one thing I can add or take away from Him that would make Him more appealing. HE IS. Period. Evangelism, it really brings out my sin issues.

It had been a long day. An apprentice had partnered himself with me to make me step COMPLETELY outside of my realm of normalcy to do surveys with people on the street. AHHH. I'm SO grateful he was there with me though, as I felt like a bumbling idiot trying to speak without a fake English accent and listen to/understand a real English accent. What was I doing here? A question that surfaced many moments of his leading the conversation. I resisted the urge to drop the clipboard and run, though that may very well have been what happened to 2 guys who I was surveying later. In the middle of the conversation one literally just walked away while his friend stayed. Then moments later the friend, without looking at his phone said he needed to take a call and ran like the wind. Ok, maybe he didn't run from me, but he sure did disappear quickly.

Anywho, by the end of this day I was more than happy to close down the book table, and head back to LST for a concert of prayer. I had my back to oncoming pedestrian traffic as I organized bags of books from the table. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see a Pakistani ( she later told me) woman beaming and winded a bit. She asked if we were the evangelizers. I, slightly surprised by the new label as "THE EVANGELIZERS" (said in the most precious British accent), nodded questionably. I saw she had a book in her hand from our table and my brain, racing to write her conversion story, began to think of questions to ask her.
Me: So, did you read that book?
Her: (out of breath from being so excited) Yes, I..
Me: (thinking oh my goodness she's read the book and now wants to be a Christian holla! I interrupt her.) Well, do you have any questions?
Her: Yes
Me: (oh ya, this is making a brilliant story)
Her: Can I do evangelism with you?
Me: what?(......)

So it turns out Her has a name. Kay. Kay was born in a Christian home but didn't become a believer in Jesus Christ until 3 years before that very moment. She had wanted to do evangelism but hadn't found opportunities to. Kay's sister walked by the table, saw the books, picked one up, took it home in the next community over. Kay, just happened to be home. Her sister told her about the evanglizers down the way. So Kay, aching to do evangelism, hopped in her car and came down. Now, I don't know if you know about London traffic, but to get 10 miles might literally take you an hour. AN HOUR! So, just as we are closing down the table, calling it quits for the day, I feel this tap on my shoulder.

Enter Kay.

Hearing her story, we sent her with an apprentice (the same one I had been a bit pissed with because of  the surveys but actually ended up being really grateful for because of the surveys. Funny how that happens.) She ended up being invited back to LST to join us for dinner and the concert of prayer.

When I walked into LST she was there waiting for all of us to come. I went and sat with her. Now, I know women in other countries do this, but we Americans, even the touchiest, don't do this. But we held hands and literally just kept looking into each others eyes giggling and telling brief versions of our stories to each other. It was the weirdest, most special moment I've ever had with a stranger. That sounds so phony but I'm so for real! She came along and did evangelism with us for the remaining days. I LOVED getting to know this precious lady and really developing a friendship with her.

When it was time to say our final farewells to each other it was one of the most dramatic things I've ever been apart of, and I was in a theatre troupe! I couldn't find her anywhere when it was time to go. I was already one of the last ones because I'm always one of the last ones and I needed to say MORE goodbyes. So I started running for the bus, parked blocks down. As I'm running I hear some one calling my name. I turn around and she is running towards me waving. I, maybe from seeing her run and having already been in running mode, turn around and run to her. We meet in the middle with a huge hug, lots of panting, laughing, and talking. I couldn't help thinking how I would have much rather have this dramatic moment with a man, but I digress.

So tears started to come AGAIN, as they always do. With the rush of me being the last one on the bus, the people ahead of me yelling the bus is going to leave soon, my legs tingling because I'm not a runner, nor is it easy to run in awkwardly tied Ssekos, I invited her back to LST because I couldn't bare this being our last interaction face to face. So, she came back, and thank God all the drama had worn off because it was actually quite anti-climactic. But she came back, took some pictures, and we were able to say goodbye without the threat of me being in lost in London because of a missed bus.

I've been back almost a month now and we communicate several times a week. She is still doing evangelism with one the teams in London and is loving it! And I love that God chose to collide our lives together; forever impacting both of us and His kingdom for good. *Another one of my favorite stories from London.*



Kay, on her first day of evangelism.





Kay makes an endless photo shoot.



Kay makes herself at home.



Kay makes connections.





Kay provides entertainment, teaching some how to juggle.



Kay is "quite lovely!"



Waiting On The Sun

I love beginnings. I also love middles and ends because I love stories. But there is something special about beginnings, especially in life. It's officially the end of summer and the beginning of school. Students come back Monday, for better or worse.

I love the planning that happens at beginnings. Like New Year's resolutions. Only here, you work extremely hard not to let good habits slip by the way side after a month start. So, like the good teacher I am (though I gladly threw in the towel on that, so like the good teacher I am at heart) I have visions of what I want my mornings to look like so that I can maximize my days. So I bought a new planner and began planning, because a new plan cannot be implemented without a new planner. :) From the start the plan had a major kink in it though

The plan was to get up at 5, go outside if it was nice, read my bible, pray, walk, have some tea. Just enjoy the morning. Then I'd come in around 6 get ready. 7 make lunch. 7:30 be out the door so I don't have to speed to school everyday. Brilliant! Except that the sun isn't up at 5..... so.....

It was one of the more ridiculous moments I've had in my life. I woke up first thing to my alarm. Looked out my window letting my plan inspire me out of bed only to find pitch black. I hadn't thought of the sun!

A simple flip in the schedule solved things but as I got ready for the day I just kept thinking how often I do this. I live, making plans and decisions, as though the sun rises and sets on my watch. Of course this translated to my relationship to the Lord. I do feel there are great things to be done in my life, a beautiful story being written, and I am rip rearing ready to go after them but sometimes I have to wait for the sun. That doesn't mean I lay back down in bed and wait for it. But that I make adjustments so that when the sun comes I'm ready for it. I heard once this phrase that makes sense this morning, "Get busy and wait." So shall it be in my life.

{A single, hot mess, talks about marriage}

Spoiler alert: I'm single and looking for the perfect guy.
Spoiler alert: He doesn't exist!

These may not seem spoiler alert worthy to you, more like obvious, we should know this. But can I maybe suggest we don't know this as much as we think we do.

So, I'm pretty single, I don't know what exactly that means but it definitely felt like the right way to start this sentence. So I'm single and I do desire to be married someday and so it's because of this future desire that I feel obliged to read articles about marriage and singleness and learn while still single what it means to be a Godly wife. And to learn what it is exactly that I'm supposed to be looking for in the opposite sex when I say I want a "spiritual leader". And because I'm SUPER awkward around men I find the teensiest bit attractive there are articles out there to help girls like me. Except that maybe when I read lists of do's and don'ts and then it finishes with "just be yourself" I'm always a bit confused as to what I should be. So on my hunt for the perfect guy, I find that I'm not all that perfect myself... so there's that.

But on a real note, I feel like I'm coming to this place of beginning to grasp the very fringes of this mystery of both singleness and marriage. I'm finding what Paul says to be true in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. It is SO cheesy but it just honestly is what it is right now, I really love the Lord. Like... (a long hesitation)like a husband! I know I know. In college all these way over the top girls would be like Jesus is my husband!!!! And I'd be like you're crazy! But I've come to find that my devotion can be about the Lord's affairs and this has been a place of joy and rest and much comfort. So... I really have found the perfect man. You know, cause Jesus is the only man who came and lived a perfect life. And let me say, it would be real easy (and I use 'easy' loosely here) to stay in this place of saying "the Lord is my husband" and close my eyes to any other options because of fear of what a human husband would do to the dynamics of my relationship with the Lord. It would be really easy and in fact is a place that I'm currently dancing in and out of.

Nonetheless there is still a desire for marriage. And I know I'm not alone when I say sometimes the gazing can become quite superficial. We I can judge a man and immediately write him off because of his interest in Battlestar Galactica, a lazy eye, or a loud voice. Yes, these are all reasons I've heard or expressed myself at some point. It's awful right? Because the reality is, I can watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days on repeat for days without batting an eye. There are unsightly things about my body. And shall I even begin to talk about my laugh that can drown out conversations because it's so loud. I would be mortified if a man wrote me off for these things. Yet, I expect perfection. And it's not only in these silly things but also in more meaningful. I hold them to a higher standard than I do myself, expecting them to have it all together spiritually and emotionally. When I know I'm a hot mess being pruned and shaped by a gracious, loving God.

I guess I'm just thinking of conversations I've had with friends over the years where one of us was complaining about men and thinking about current situations where from a selfish perspective it would be justified to end the relationship or not give it any room to potentially bloom. But I think when our perspective shifts and it becomes more about God and less about us we can look at another person, seeing their imperfections, not ignoring them and chose to look past them to the actual person. If marriage truly is a representation on earth of the fellowship of God and man (Ephesians 5:25-33), then I think it is much more about our holiness than our happiness. It doesn't make a great Hollywood blockbuster but it sure does make for a beautiful story of redemption. We are to be a tool of refining for others and in the process we too get refined. This is holiness. And it actually makes room for happiness though our happiness is not the ultimate goal.

I suppose all I'm trying to say is stop looking for the perfect person. They don't exist outside of Jesus Christ himself. And that means you too, my friend, are not perfect. We're not. It's so hard to hear, I know. But I think the sooner we understand this the sooner we have healthier marriages, the sooner the divorce rates drop, and the sooner we can actually become content and effective in marriage and singleness.

So, that's enough of the rantings of a happily single girl who wants to get married yet is confused over if she ever wants to get married. I told you, I'm a hot mess!

London {chunks of my heart} part 2

I'm not sure that I've communicated to you how much I LOVED my trip to London. Well, that's not totally true. I think you're well aware of my new found love for London but you may not know why, so the story must go on.

So in the mornings we had a session discussing missionary things. You know; the gospel, cultural sensitivity, purpose, what not. We couldn't have a bunch of Americans out on the street talking about our depravity but not mentioning Jesus, or offending the various cultures we encountered, while aimlessly galavanting around London. These sessions proved very helpful! We'd discuss something and then immediately put it into practice on the street. Brilliant strategy. Reason #1365 why I want to homeschool my kids; because this strategy works and typical school does not really allow for it.

On 3 occasions in the evening we did door to door surveys. Just going around in the neighborhoods where the churches were located and asked questions about the community and their religious background. This may not sound like a big task but it really was for me. I mean, going to someones home seems a bit intrusive and I just felt pretty umm... how do you say.... awful for the job!

So the first night we came back and it was just an all around rough experience for me and my group. I was sitting on the floor really rethinking missions because I had bombed so badly at door to door. I was thinking, if THIS is missions I don't think I'm called to this. I'm so terrible. Which really put a kink in my mood and plans because, well you know, I've thought about being a missionary for 12 years. I'm just now pursuing it for real. If this isn't what God is leading me to, I'm back at square one, not having any idea where to go or what to do. So, you could say I was feeling pretty low. When along comes this bright eyed girl. I looked up from my pit of despair on the floor to her vibrant blue eyes to hear her ask me how'd it go. How'd it go? How'd it go!!? Her eyes were filled with such hope and expectancy I felt like if I told her how I was really feeling at that particular moment I could have really pulled a Debbie Downer and crushed this poor girl. So I instead softned my tone and words and said something like, "Umm... ya, it was alright." That's really the best I could do. To which her eyes got glassy with a tint of red as she told me what a horrible experience her group had had. Can you imagine if I would have unloaded on her. Poor thing. God was protecting her, but also about to minister to me. So as she told me their story a boy from the same group popped up. Listening to what Girl was saying, nodding his head in agreement. Though they were towering over me on the floor I couldn't muster the energy to care to stand up so I countinued to sit, watching, neck crained, listening to her story.

I must have looked awkward (not unusual) because Boy was then like oh hey I havent met you yet. To which I replied ya, I don't know either one of you. They introduced themselves as Hannah and Aaron. I invited them down to my pit, which was slowly, with their presence, less like a pit and more like a normal floor. In the moments that followed I can't tell you exactly what happened because I'm not exactly sure. What I am sure of is that I'm not an elequent speaker, I rarely remember a thing, and that the holy spirit used me to speak into the lives of these 2 teens. They told me of their desires to do missions yet their fear of not knowing if that's God's will for them and the doubt of that calling. I, in a supernatural way, recalled what the Lord has taught me in the past few weeks, months, and years regarding knowing His will and feeling a call on your life that friends don't relate with. Through their tears I encouraged them and prayed for them. Just as quickly as they appeared, they were gone on to the next group thanking me for taking the time to talk with them. I, stunned at the events that had just taken place, leaned back to remotely begin processing. When a friend, as excited as could be came over with all her paperwork from door to door, sat in front of me, and half talking to herself, and half talking to me, began to recount her evening with such joy and excitement.

It was at this moment, that the Lord made it perfectly clear to me. He has gifted us each differently. He has a different work for each of us to do. I am not gifted nor passionate at this moment in my life to do door to door surveys. But yes and amen to speaking with and entering into life with some teenagers I barely know. I felt very clearly in that moment that God was saying, No, no dear one. Don't you throw in the towel yet. I can use you. I can use you.

And He can. I've been convinced of this. There are several other stories like this throughout the week in my own life, being like Lord, maybe you've not called me to this, and then in that sweet tender voice He responds, No, no dear one. I can use you. It was pretty amazing to experience this. The moment with the teens and the moments of doubt afterward. The Lord of all creation speaking into my doubt and fears, bringing calm and peace to my anxious and restless heart. How gracious He is.

Someone asked me what the best moment of the trip was. There are some other stories to come, but I have to tell you, this moment with Aaron and Hannah was such a sweet moment with the Lord that I think it tops the list. They told their leaders about me and thanked me the rest of the trip for that moment with them. But if only they knew, I needed it so much more than them.