from the bitter

Do you ever feel like you have just fallen behind on life? That's where I am these days. A bitterness creeping in because I can't find time to wipe my mirrors down or go on a date. To figure out what the hell  that film is on my car windows or have a baby. A feeling of complete distance from a dream I thought I was pursuing only to realize one day 3 months have gone by and I haven't actually moved one step closer to making that a reality. The feeling of epic sized failure when I think about the last time I communicated with those friendships that are dependent on me to stay alive. And then more bitterness that so many of my friendships are like this only given the justification that I am  single and childless so it's easier for me to make contact.

Oh the bitterness. My friends, it's an ugly place to be at, I know, but I think there's actually freedom in admitting everything is not "ok". There's freedom in saying this phase blows.  There's freedom to not put on a fake smile and pretend, but to instead just be real.  That's where I am.

I don't write this to receive some pep talk or weak "sympathetic" smile. I also don't want your scolding for using the word "hell" or for saying I'm not content in my singleness. Don't bother to tell me God's waiting for me to be "REALLY content in Him" because I could really smack the content off of someones face. I write this because I need to vent and my hand cramps when I write for longer than 5 minutes. Thanks technology. I write this because maybe there's someone who needs to know God can handle my frustration. And not just my frustration but my flat out anger and disappointment. All of my hurts, brokeness, and sin, He can handle it and isn't put off by me. He alone can also know my heart. To know that I will NEVER be able to love anyone the way I love Him. To know that I'm shaken to the core some nights at the overwhelming thought of His majesty and profound love for me. It's because of this confidence in my postion as His beloved daughter that I'm safe to be angry, to be hurt, to be frustrated, to be discontent. He doesn't change. My standing with Him doesn't change. His deep love for me doesn't change. And just because I'm angry or discontent with my postion in life right now it doesn't mean that my love for Him has wained any. Does He piss me off with His timing or seeming silence? Absolutely! But I still know His good intentions and that everything He does or doesn't do is motivated by love. I still know He is faithful. He is good. He is true to His promises even if I don't fulfill my side of the deal. I write this because sometimes I just need to preach truth to myself.