To The Ones Who Need to Read This But Won't

Like the clouds over head bursting with rainfall there is a heaviness in St. Louis that is palpable. And like the very wind that rattles my windows and seemingly sways the very foundation my house is set on, so has the crisis that has risen here do to us. Something pushes at the very panes of our windows threatening to break in and there are varied responses. Some of these responses I've not been surprised by, others have shocked and appalled me as they have come from the very community that is to be the picture of reconciliation for world to emulate, The Church, and yet there is such hatred, such fear, and such refusal to listen for understanding.

Romans 12:17-21
"Repay NO ONE evil for evil, but give thought to do what is HONORABLE in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Some of you have forgotten what your position is to be in the face of real conflict, when faced with turmoil that is larger than your individual life. Some of you never knew because you've been consumed with only the needs of your own lives and refused to see the needs around you. Some of you have kept an arms length or a 100 mile radius from St. Louis in fear literally terrified to come to this city, terrified to drive through neighborhoods for fear that you may be attacked. What happened to your belief of "Do not fear for I am with you". The same verse you post around your home to "encourage your heart" loses it's power when placed against situations that are larger than you. May your foundation be shaken. May this crisis break every window pane you perceive the world through and may you actually find power in the words of God, who didn't say don't fear for ONLY the small individualistic problems we face but also for the larger scale ones that  we face as a community. You don't get to hide in fear here. He has given your heart courage. Do not back down in fear. Rather, walk into the very places you fear the most and do good.

Some of you seem to believe you can only support Wilson, because doing anything else would be unchristian. You are mistaken. The situation is complex because the 2 people involved were sinners. Is it possible that there was fault in both people? Is it possible that both Wilson and Brown made mistakes that day? Isn't that a more natural, logical conclusion. Instead of believing one person did EVERYTHING wrong. In your relationship with people when there is conflict isn't it true that there was often wrong done on both sides? So to simply only support Wilson, because he's a white authority figure that surely had to be doing everything right is ludicrous and exposes your beliefs about wrongness and rightness solely based on color and position of authority. I'm sorry, but if you're human you were born into sin and NO man is above it unless of course He's Jesus.... which I'm going to go ahead and tell you, he's not. So the ability to sin is available to all; white men in authority and disenfranchised black men both have the ability to sin equally. So may your walls and windows of pretense and judgement come crumbling down with the winds blowing through St. Louis. May God rattle you so that you may see the humanity and glory in each person that roams this earth.

And there are some of you, who sit in your ivory tower casting judgement on the protesters, the voice of this battle. You, in jest or in all seriousness, make snide remarks or in fear of making them yourself, "like" others remarks about the protesters and their need to find a job. You irritate me the most. You, clearly, have no understanding the bigger underlying issues the death of Mike Brown has brought out for the minority community. You have scrolled over the countless articles and status updates that address some of these issues without reading a word but have lingered and gawked at every picture of people midday protesting and developed your own thoughts on the joblessness of these people. Get over yourself. Were this a young man needlessly killed in your community by someone you trusted and looked to as a person of safety wouldn't you be up in arms too. If day after day you went seeking answers and yet got none. Wouldn't you make certain sacrifices until justice prevailed. Or do you care so little about the needs and welfare of others that you wouldn't be phased? I mean, what is the point of an ivory tower if not but to keep you tucked away from the needs of others. May your ivory tower crumble beneath your very feet and may you be found lacking and destitute so that you would actually turn to the compassion of Jesus and that through the very compassion you find in Him you would extend compassion to others.

To quote a song by Rend Collective "We are your church, we are the hope on earth." The song is called Build Your Kingdom Here. You know what it requires to build something new? It requires rattling and shaking the old systems to completely demolish them. Some of us have been living and thinking under old systems. God has come to build a new Kingdom. And it's not a white suburban kingdom and a black city kingdom and Chinese or Latino kingdoms. We ALL from every socioeconomic background, race, tribe, and nation will be established under the same Kingdom. It often seems the white community I know is more receptive to the idea of God's Kingdom being filled with white Americans and every other nation in the rest of the world. Let me tell you, dear white people, the very people you defame now struggling to have their voices heard in Ferguson are the ones that will be standing beside you in the Kingdom of God. Yeah, that's right, some of the very people you so despise and look down on are your own. I'll let you wrestle with that one for a bit.    

We are His church. We are the hope on earth.

There's No Sense In Apologies

Let's skip the apologies this time ok?

It's been 14 months since I last wrote here and in 14 months life happens. In 14 minutes life happens and there's no need to apologize for life and its happenings regardless of the amount of time that's passed.

Life happens and the next thing you know its been 14 months and your heart and hands are burdened with messages that need to be released in a world of white space and tiny scribblings. 

So here we are, with no apologies and endless amounts of white space left. It can be overwhelming....the white space and being unapologetic. Maybe more so the being unapologetic. I apologize for everything. Like EVERYTHING. I run into a table, I apologize to the table. I run to an elevator door closing, I apologize to those who held it open. I startle at someone walking into the same entrance as me and I apologize. I find I can be a walking apology. And I'm just kind of over it. As a side note you know what I never got "under" but am so over (see what I did there :)   )? #sorryiamnotsorry   SO. OVER. IT. You just apologized for being unapologetic! It's like people saying " You can't have your cake and eat it too." What the ***? Oh yes I can! What's the point of having a cake but not eating it? Someone riddle me that. Sorry I'm not sorry??? GAH!

Now I'm not saying there is never a time to apologize. When you're in the wrong, absolutely apologize. I mean I didn't buy that etiquette book years ago and learn nothing from it! I am saying though, that when I find myself  in a place where I'm apologizing to inanimate objects I also find myself apologizing for things that are outside of my control or that warrant no apology.

I can find myself internalizing the thoughts of; I'm sorry my skin color has made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry my grammar baffled you, I'm sorry my femininity made you question your masculinity, I'm sorry my body made you self-conscious of your own, I'm sorry my personality has made you feel inadequate. I'm sorry I am me, a voluptuous, educated, confident, brown skinned woman. And not in the humble-brag kind of way, but a legit apology for these things which make up... me. 

Well I am SO over that bull! I'm starting the I'm sorry I was ever sorry for that stuff I never had any reason to be sorry about movement! #isiwesftsinhartbsam

Over the course of the past 2 months I have encountered a plethora of white people apologizing for their whiteness and black people admitting their sense of apology for their blackness in a white dominant culture. Let's skip the apologies this time ok? They're not needed. Not for the color of your skin. Not for the upbringing you had. Your apologies aren't needed. The color of your skin, from the lightest to the darkest hue does not warrant an apology.

The negative intentions, words, and actions brought forth out of a belief that a hue is more superior, more deserving, more (fill in the blank) than the other is where the apologies need to begin flowing. Apologizing for injustice, oppression, ignorance, hatred, abandonment- Yes, please! But apologizing for the skin that you wear... oh no no no my friends, there's no sense in apologies.