Nope

So I started writing a post that was my attempt to explain the changes I've seen in myself recently but my words were muddled and didn't come close to what I actually wanted to say. Really the only thing that comes close to what I want to say in its simplest form is

I'm Happy.

It's the most amazing thing. I have a job that I love, hobbies I'm growing into, all of my family is near enough that I can hug and kiss them as much as I want. I have an amazing church that continues to reshape my skewed image of God. I'm apart of a bible study that holds me accountable to my own individual growth in the Lord while also challenging me in the leadership role He has placed me in. I have been blessed to have friends that I still keep up with from high school and from college. I have the privilege to make new friends in adulthood that I love and cherish deeply. I feel needed and valued. 

It's no surprise to you, I'm sure, that the tears are streaming down my face as I write this. But I just think of the deep valleys My God has brought me through. The uncertainties, the loss of hope, and for moments the loss of a will to live. Y'all it got bad. But I just have to tell you how in awe I am right now that this overflowing spring in me is happiness, is freedom, is restoration. 

I was asked Sunday by a person who I'm confident meant well, how things were going immediately followed by "any man?".  I was a little shocked at how little I had to say about the matter, nope. There is so much other amazing stuff going on in my life that I didn't even feel the need to qualify my "nope". I allowed it to stand out there on its own. Nope.

I'm single (not that I would mind being in a relationship if the right guy asked). I have no children though my womb and heart ache to love on my own little one. I live in someone else's house. I'm a teacher who has taken the position of a T.A. and I am happy. The happiest I've been in a long time.

I know that His goal is not my happiness but my holiness so what a sweet bonus that He has taken into consideration my happiness and given me these moments. He is true to His promise to me through His word that He will restore the years the locust have eaten. (Joel 2:25)

This song, though meant for the luvas,

kind of is exactly how I feel.

A Day of Autumn

Today is the first full day of Autumn and I felt every bit of it. I participate in this day the way people get amped up and dress out for Cardinals' opening day. I dreamed last night of dancing in falling leaves, purposely rolling my bike along the the side of the road just to hear the crunch. I dreamed of driving through the mountains with every tree being more brilliant than the last. Of long talks and hot drinks. I love Autumn. So, when my alarm went off this morning at 6:00 a.m.. I gladly woke and began my day.

I of course already had the outfit laid out; well the bottom portion at least. Whatever I wore I knew it would consist of the brown lace skirt and the boots. Anything else would simply be a bonus. So a fitted sweatshirt over a lace cami would have to do. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a staple outfit for me in the time ahead. None the less, today was a celebration so it called for a flower in the hair of course. And it was just nippie enough that a scarf had to accompany it. A quick change of purses and the outfit was together. I stepped into the air of Autumn. I love that first deep breath.

I love my drive to work. The roads leave the towering buildings in my rear view mirror, but ahead are nothing but cliffs and trees. It is beautiful. Everyday I get to see the leaves change a little bit more. This week though a fog has settled over some low lying areas of my commute. And though I know it's dangerous for drivers, I get lost in the romance of it. I always imagine my modern Mr. Darcy breaking through it to come to me. Always. 

Today I had the joy of stopping by the grocery to pick up some things to make pumpkin muffins with the kids. Though they didn't have hot coffee I got myself a Starbucks drink and a Heath Bar for later, because for me if there's a candy that says happiness in Fall it's candy with toffee. Yes, please. (Sidebar: I literally just remembered that Heath Bar still in my purse, yay for not letting food consume my thoughts!)

To every person I crossed paths with I smiled and said Happy Autumn. I drank my coffee. We ate our muffins. We had a dance party at the end of the day. And life is as it should be.

Tomorrow after the Cards/Cubs game I'll put my Fall decorations up, drink some cider, and pull out my warmer wardrobe, craft, read, and of course pop in You've Got Mail. I love Autumn.

At The Pump

I hope that where you are gas prices are dropping. Today I found a spot that was $2.98! Miracle of miracles. So I of course stopped by after work.

Pulling up I saw this woman hopping from car to car. She eventually swung by mine as I had my card out ready to swipe. "Do you happen to have a dollar?" she asked. I smiled politely and said no cause I didn't. The lady on the back of my pump poked her head around frown smiling. <----- does that make sense? Like that look of fake sympathy. "Poor girl," the woman said. I continued pumping my gas, watching this lady flutter about collecting dollars. I wondered what she was collecting money for. My imagination swirled. But then I thought of my own situation but months ago, when I too would have been desperate enough to wander about a gas station asking for dollars.

 And it was then that gas started to pour onto my foot. I had heard the clicking sound, but I had also seen the price and the two didn't reconcile in my mind. Surely I needed to pump more, I hadn't paid this little in quite a long time. So instinctively I continued to pump, but even as I felt the gas dripping on my foot I was reminded of how the Lord has provided. Much like I was flooding my car with gas, God has flooded me with His mercy and His faithfulness. Corny? That's ok, cause it was a moment for me. A moment for me to remember. To remember my own desperation needing so much more than a dollar. And God's generosity of giving this "poor girl" SO much more than a dollar.

from the slow moving hands of the pooped

I am so pooped. These are long days I'm living over here, but I LOVE most every bit of them.

So there were just a few things I wanted to tell you before my head hit the pillow. Remember how my computer is broken and I was borrowing the computer from the woman I live with? Well, luck of all luck, the computer screen broke. Like, shattered, brilliant colors splayed across the screen but impossible to actually see anything broken. Hence why I haven't posted anything in a few days and you know, that whole being pooped thing! But just tonight I mentioned to a friend my delima and wouldn't you know she was like hey borrow this computer we have just lying around! Don't mind if I do friend! So a big shout out to Stina and understanding how much I both need and love this blog (and Pinterest!). Thank you!

Of course during those few days without a computer is the time that I have the most ideas of what to write on here. I always remind myself to write it down so I won't forget, but then I inevitably forget to remind myself and the ideas are lost. Right now even searching around in my memory I vaguely remember something about animals, but vaguely remembering won't exactly be the most thrilling reading you've ever come across!

I'm in an Adele mood, not that's there's much difference between that and my normal mood, so I went to my "Someone Like You" Pandora station. I think I lose the mood as I start clicking those songs I like. Somehow I've gone from Adele, to Sinatra, Dean Martin, Otis Bedding, and now Nat King Cole singing in a language I don't understand. Whatever forlornness was there is now simply replaced with confusion. I guess maybe it's for the best, who needs to dream of unrequited love in English. Not I!

And lastly I have to tell you that on my Tuesday Thrifting I got a sweet little locket necklace that I'll be doting around, so go ahead and ask me about it. :) I also got a Banana Republic purse, brand new brown wedges, and a sweatshirt dress that is FAR cuter than it sounds and cuter than frumping around in a sweatshirt, but just as comfy!

Autumn Prep

Today was a terribly rainy day. The kind that makes you drive slowly AND move slowly, specifically when you walk by your bedroom. Debating whether or not to just rest your eyes for a minute. One of those kind of rainy days. My debate lasted about 2 seconds before I caved and nestled into my now ready for fall bed.

Do you change your bedding in preparation for cooler temps?

I add a creamy white fleece blanket and another brown fleece sandwiching the sheet so I get weight and warmth. Oh my goodness it's heaven! Are you a weight lover? I've had this discussion with others before and I didn't realize not everyone enjoys feeling the heaviness of things on them sometimes. Clearly I'm a person with some extra sensory needs. In dog piles I would gladly take the bottom spot just so I could feel the weight of others piling on. During massages one of my favorite parts is when they put the weighted warm blanket on your back. But when I don't have that sensory need, which is rare, the things surrounding me better be light as a feather but as soft as a cactus. I can't stand the touch of things too soft, like those baby blankets. Yeah, they make me cringe. Oh, sensory needs. So interesting, but I digress. 

So, I'm up right now due to a combination of things. One, I drank a cup of green tea around 10. Mistake. But to my advantage, I finished a load of laundry and began folding it only to stumble upon stain upon grease stain. A tube of my favorite lip gloss slipped into the laundry without me noticing, took off its lid and spilled its content all over my clothing. I don't know if you've ever had to deal with that kind of stain but it is a process, let me tell you! So, I'm now up, waiting to see the product of my efforts of scrubbing with a toothbrush and various products.

Besides this sad little incident this weekend was pretty fantastic. I spent all of it pretending I was a cowgirl and living in my boots. I only took them off to sleep. I love how I look and feel in boots. I may have just started a bit of an obsession for myself, especially for this fall. Oh, boots!

Source: polyvore.com via Angie on Pinterest

these are a few of my favorite things

I adore hanging out with this little guy and his mommy and daddy. I got to do just that minus his daddy today after a day of long meetings. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Though Fall for me is the beginning of normal schedules and the business of life, I also feel like it's a perfect time to slow down and cuddle with those you love. So we did that on this cool end of summer day. He, with runny nose and pajamas, picked out a book, crawled up on my lap, and snugglebugged with me in the kitchen as his momma cooked. We listened to music and he listened to us talk. I love how he shakes his head practicing active listening skills. The kid's brilliant. I may be biased a bit.

He is one of the most precious things in my world and I look forward to more snuggles with him before he's too big and despises the snugglebug. He'll be snuggling with someone else tomorrow though as he watches the Balloon Glow at Forest Park. I love St. Louis in the fall.

I'm also thrilled to bits about Greentree Festival this weekend. If you have time Saturday, swing on by Kirkwood and check it out. Christmas is closer than you realize and who couldn't always use a new piece for their jewelry collection. I'll be there selling some goodies (booth # 203) made by the beautiful hands of the women of Forai. I know they would love your support and I would love to tell you all about the sweet ministry of Forai.

Rainy Day Boots

                                            

It rained a-l-l day.

On any given day off

I would welcome the rain.

But today was not a day off.

Today I had to work.

I stared longingly outside,

wishing I could cuddle up with

The Help and some tea.

Wishing I could get out some cute rain boots

and stomp around a bit.

But alas, I was at that job

that I love.

Note:

For those of you that know me, I'm sure you've heard my rantings of movies or books being "too popular" for me to engage with. So you might be asking yourself about The Help as it is kind of a big thing right now. Here's my justification; I wanted to read it. Yep, that's it. Also, another side note. I don't own any rain boots. I think this calls for a casual shopping trip, yes? 

Tuesday Thrifties {things you should know about me}

A few things you should know about me.

I, more frequently than I'd care to admit, get so tickled sometimes I almost wet myself.

So tonight when a friend was telling me about the matching tennis shoes his girlfriend and he got and the matching velour suits that were bound to come at some point, you can imagine (or maybe you can't from that vague description of the convo.) I was laughing pretty hard with the imagery painted in my mind. I proudly say though, that my bladder and I held it together. Amigos!

You should also know that I ride a pendulum that swings, sometimes violently between laziness and perfection. Oddly enough I am a self labeled perfectionist that often quits at projects because of the fear of failure, therefore ruining my "perfect" image. Oh the pendulum rides I take sometimes! None the less, I feel it. I feel it swinging back up to perfection. I have all of these grand plans stirring around in my mind, all of these ideas, and dreams. All of these things I want to pursue coupled with the sobering reality of life around me right now.

I have 2 friends, my age, in the hospital right now. One fighting leukemia, the other a rare cancer. These are weighty words that came crashing down on me over the previous weekends. And I feel it. I feel myself seeing the uncontrollable circumstances they are in and so I'm grasping at straws to gain some kind of control in my own life. Jumping back into the vegetarian seat I let my legs drape out of as I enjoyed Chick-Fil-A. Nope, no more. I have to get this weight off. I have to do whatever is within my power to stave off cancer. See what I want and try to do it all. Sign me up. So what if I only get 5-6 hours of sleep. I'm going to be what they think I am; Martha Stewart. I bet Martha and MidWest Martha don't need 6 or more hours of sleep. Craft it? I will. Blog it? I will. Be the best at everything? It's a challenging job, but someone's got to do it. Right....?

Wrong. And I know that I'm wrong. So, yet again I'm trying to  find a balance instead of the violent swinging.

I took a run through the woods today and I'm thinking I love that! Nothing makes running slightly more entertaining than hurdling overgrowth, avoiding swampy waters, and keeping an eye out for the unexpected log. I'm thinking maybe I should have thought about that cross country thing years ago. I anticipate doing it again tomorrow when it's only 70 degrees. It's gonna be awesome, I can tell.

I've also decided to make Tuesdays my thrifting days, but as I walked into Goodwill I considered making a calendar of when certain thrift stores have certain sales and shopping accordingly. That's my OCD rearing it's head. I'm just going to stick with Tuesdays. Today I walked out with black khakis, black flats, and a pair of scissors. All for $10! The scissors I just actually borrowed because I needed to cut the paper off of my newly purchased tennis racket. That's right! If I'm going to be an athlete, I'll need some equipment, even if it's the cheap stuff.

I didn't want to pull up to my tennis lesson tonight with my friend with it still in the packaging. Lame. Pishaw! So I cut it off and am now scooting out the door to get some lessons.

Found any great deals at your favorite thrift store recently?

Tell me.

And while we're at it, if you're local, where do you go?

I'm always looking to expand.  

***

Here's a little project I want to try

with some thrift store

goodies.

Source: maryjanesandgaloshes.com via Angie on Pinterest

he knows every hair on my head and today he knows there's less

This hair was meant to be touched.

I work at a school for the severe and profoundly disabled. It's guaranteed that each day will be an adventure. It's a strong possibility I will come home with a new bruise, scratch, or hilarious story. I love it. Today, however was not one of those I love it days. Today was a day packed full of  "What the whats" and the like. As I was beginning to play a game today I was grabbed by the hair, a good gripper if I might say myself, and completely silenced in fear. I heard in my mind the tinkling music that would be played in a scene like this in a movie, where things in an instant changed from fun loving to dangerous. As I lay, torso sprawled on the desk,  I whispered, please let go as it was yanked harder. Feeling as though the skin I've come to love protecting my skull, nerves, and things might begin to tear at any moment I quietly asked the other person in the room nearby watching helplessly to press the button and call for support. Just as the intercom clicked off and I heard the steps of quick approaching feet my hair was released, I gathered my things, went back to the room I was originally working in and continued my task as though nothing had happened. I had other students to work with. But as the calm that had flooded me at first grab began to fade, and the reality of the situation that just occurred and the pain I just began to feel replaced it, the tears began to flow. I excused myself to the solitary restroom and balled.

I cried over the pain and the fear.

I cried over the job, that this is the norm.

And I cried over the students; some of them simply people who have strong emotions but lack a positive way to express it.  

The day continued from there with all the craziness that can happen in a day here. It's just the norm and you move on. I once asked myself why everyone doesn't do this work. I think I'm beginning to understand that maybe this is a gift that the Lord has given me  for this time. That somehow, by His grace, I'm able to go home after a day like today, put a flower bow in my hair to tame the now frizzed parts and keep stepping. I love this job, I love my students, I dearly love my coworkers, but man is it WILD!

**********

On a lighter note:

BSF started tonight and besides my forgetfulness (we'll chalk it up to the hair pulling) it was a GREAT evening. It's gonna be such a good study. You should come!

I'm officially calling The Pioneer Woman, The Midwest Martha Stewart. It's true, right! Maybe I'll shorten it to Midwest Martha.

I myself was called Martha Stewart at school today. This was not the first time and in my little fantasy world, I'm beginning to believe I am. (Though in all honesty I am nowhere near her!)

I almost peed myself laughing tonight. Thanks Tommy.

{this 4 letter word called life}

On a whim I visited a church on Saturday evening. As luck would have it, there was a bbq afterwards. I found a group of people who seemed as non-threatening as possible and settled there for the evening. As I threw my trash away and came back to my group I looked around realizing I was in a group of all men. Somehow, I found myself encircled by all but 1 single men at church on a Saturday evening. I don't know if this happens to you on the regular but for me, it does not. Not Ever. EVER. So, having better judgement than I normally do I gracefully bowed out knowing that if I stayed any longer, having realized my situation, I would begin rambling eventually making a fool of myself. I walked away confidently giddy that I had just found myself surrounded by men! ;)

Throughout the entire weekend I found myself being complimented, on my creativity, my weight loss, my style sense. Do you ever just need these times? Times of people taking notice. Not that I would consider myself vain, but I need assurances from others time to time in various areas, encouragements, compliments. It's not as though throughout my days I hear a constant barrage of negative comments from others in these areas. In fact, on the regular I hear nothing at all. But maybe that's because I'm fixated on the barrage of negative comments coming from my own self. I cannot tell you how many times in a day I belittle my own self, my own ideas, my own opinions. It's a battlefield over here with me, myself, and I. Most times I'm totally unaware of it until I find myself in a funk for no apparent reason. When taking time to process I can understand the funk because I've been listening to my unkind self talk for days and have begun to believe it. For a moment in that group of men that voice was blocked out and I was free to be me, without reserve for fear that I may not seem "marriage material",  without looking at each of them through my own "marriage material" lens. Just me. Just them.

So this evening I'm quiet and reflective. Thinking about life, the shortness of it, all the tragedy that comes through it, yet all the joy that is meant to be lived in it. There are moments in our lives that are sobering, tonight I think of September 11, 2001 of course, my own near death car accident in 2006, and I think of friends whose lives have recently been radically rocked forever with the news of cancer in their young bodies. Sobering. Life. Life is messy and incalculable. It is full of the unexpected when we continue to plan for what we presume to be the expected. So tonight I'm thinking there's just not enough time. Not enough time to fill my mind with all the can'ts, won'ts, nevers. There's not enough time in this 4 letter word called life to listen to my own rage and bitterness, mockery and self-defeat. There is still life to live. Life to be had. Life to dream up and pursue without the nagging voice of negativity.  

So this September 11th, I remember and am reminded that life is still mine to live.

*I remember being in my dorm room asleep 10 years ago today. A freshman in college with no early morning classes that day. A girl on the hall came in to wake me to tell me the 1st tower had just been struck in New York. I was so confused, feeling as though I had just woken up in someone elses' life. I live in America. Things like this don't happen here. She left and still completely confused I laid back down trying to process what I had just been told. There was so much commotion in the hall I realized this had to be for real. I opened my door to find girls racing up the stairs to get to the t.v. and on their cell phones. I meandered up as well still fuzzy about the whole thing. As I sat down in the silently hysterical room we watched as the rest of the events occurred. The second plane hitting the 2nd tower. The Pentagon. We watched on, helpless and horrified, fearful and perplexed. A stream of emotions felt so deeply that day, that even today as I write, even now, I remember and shudder. I remember walking ground zero the following year, ash and memorials crowding  the sidewalks. A sight I wouldn't have ever in my wildest imagination created as stood in the very same spot the summer of 2001. I remember. In a moment, everything about the world as I knew it was different and I remember.      

Foxes n Heels

I hope that where ever you are, today was as gorgeous for you as it was for me. It could not have been any better. Clear blue skies, a chill in the air with the hint of fall sprinkled in. Too good. So what better thing to do then enjoy it. I imagined my way through the work day, dreaming of the things I would do when I left. I'd go to the park and take a walk since I'd been using the heat as my excuse to not exercise out of doors. I'd go to the library and get some brilliant book that I could get lost in. And then, a little too late but just fine because it's almost autumn and the rules can be bent a bit, I'd get some deliciously healthy dinner and cozy up with my book. Doesn't that sound so wonderfully perfect? It does, but my plan was already sabotaged over the weekend.

This weekend I went to the country house, without a camera of course! My dear friend Kate's family has this house in my favorite memory of the country. Once, when I was apart of a traveling drama team in college we stayed at this gorgeous home on a farm that had all of these animals. It was because of this experience that I could ever imagine myself as some real country girl. I'm not, but I could imagine it. We'll the country house was just on the other side of the river from my memory. There were horses and cows, deer, and fish, rafts and the river. It was glorious! Perfect weather, perfect friends, and the perfect little setting. However, my not actually being a country girl or maybe just a coordinated girl did not fair well for me on the river. To save the story for another time I'll just tell you that I left the country house completely exhausted and sore as all get out only to get to return to work the very next day, today.

I, sadly, was a zombie today. I'm not sure that I could actually tell you much of what happened or who was there. I was sleepy. Really sleepy. So instead of cruising on to my awesome plans I decided a nap would be better. Then I could do all the awesomeness lined up for me. I set my alarm for 5 and was up at 6:50. I'm not sure how I do it but I'm quite skilled at ignoring or dismissing the alarm. I still wanted my dream evening to work out so I scrambled to the park. The sun was beginning to set so I knew I wouldn't be taking any long paths into the woods. So I more sauntered on my little path, looking at the trees, shoving my head phones into my pocket choosing the natural playlist already engulfing me. I passed readers, athletes, Mormon mommies, and old folks. A baby fox and I played what he probably thought was peek-a-boo. Whereas I was playing I'm-keeping-an-eye-on-you. I kept envisioning turning my head for one minute and him coming to swipe me out at the ankles. Whatever. I'm glad I have an imagination.

I took the long way to the library. Choosing the back curvy roads, lined with mansions whose costs are unspeakable. I stared, as much as I could while still remaining safe on the road, at the house of my dreams. A white 2 story, with southern charm. A sweet wrap around porch, with a second floor balcony complete with 2 white rocking chairs, ceiling fan, and a view of the expansive park. A cute little family played basketball in front of the garage while I pined away alone in my little car. *sigh* Someday. Well, maybe not someday for that exact picture but someday for the warmth that scene brought to my heart. Someday. Walking into the library, to what should my searching eyes rest on but Ree Drummond's book Black Heels to Tractor Wheels. Who's Ree Drummond you ask. Maybe you know her better as The Pioneer Woman. If you've not yet heard of her, continue to claw your way out from underneath that rock and fall in love with her sassy personality and heart stopping kitchen creativity over at her blog. You'll not regret it!

Then on the heels of 9o'clock I swung by Qdoba because it sounded tasty and I have a rewards card with them. If I'm going to eat out I might as well be rewarded for it right? I chose the vegetarian option, light on the dairy. He told me as he wrapped my bulging burrito that there was a slight tear. He asked if I wanted him to re-wrap it. When they ask you if you want it re-wrapped say yes. Always say yes. For if you don't and you chose, out of hunger  and fear of eating after 9, to eat the massive burrito while driving you will have the death of that burrito all over the front of your shirt and the seat of your car. Pulling into my driveway I emptied the rest of that burrito into the bag it came in sufficing to just eat the tortilla. Trying to find some way to walk into my house without exposing the murder scene on my shirt the bag tore and the burrito remnants fell on to the door step. As I was trying to pick them up and fling them elsewhere I dropped my keys and the book into the mess and the door opened. The Man I Live With (there's not a shortcut around explaining them so I will just say I live with a family and they will be referred to as The Family I Live With, I'm not actually just living with a dude.) stood there peering down at my disaster. His words of comfort were that the dogs would get it. I scrambled inside and soaked my bean drenched shirt.
 So, though, it didn't turn out quite like I expected I did have my glorious evening and feel like tomorrow I just be coherent enough to have another splendid evening!

What are you most excited for

with Autumn approaching?