Crazy Love

Over this amazing break I've had, I decided to take a minute and read a book my small group will be reading starting in the new year, Crazy Love by Francis Chan. My friend Amiee told me how fantastic it was, as did others, so I bought it. I'm the reader who starts a book, reading a few pages and then starts another book, eventually returning to the first one. I started this book weeks ago but couldn't quite get into it.


You see, I have to be honest in saying that my spirtiual life, essentially my life, has not been right with the Lord for a few months. Complacency snuck in, showing symptoms I simply ignored. When things aren't right in my relationship with Lord I can physically feel it. I knew things weren't right but I continued to dust it under the rug. Even as Christmas came and went I couldn't find it in myself to change. I was in a rut. I came to a point that I wanted to change, not because I love Christ but because I knew I should. It's the right thing to do. With that mindset, with that heartset, I didn't change. I celebrated Christmas, the birth of my Savior, without really be connected to him.


I went to church the Sunday after Christmas to hear a message that shook me up a bit. Jeff was talking about being a lukewarm Christian and how the Lord detests that. He'd rather me be hot or cold, but lukewarm he spits out. I realized I had become lukewarm. I questioned, when did this happen, how could this happen to me? I love God!


Well I took that message to heart and took a step to change, so I began reading Crazy Love. Little did I know that the Lord had a plan going this whole time to lead me to Him on my knees. Truth was revealed to me through reading those pages and I am delighted to share what I've learned.


The lukewarm Christian:
It just so "happens" that Crazy Love deals with this person. He gave a list of qualifiers found in the bible and when I got honest with myself I matched a great majority of them. I was broken, so I thought. The next chapter then went on to say that the lukewarm christian doesn't exist, can't exist, is an oxemoron. Because a Christian, isn't one who simply claims Christ, but obeys his commands. His greatest command is to love HIM. When I'm not loving him I'm not in Him. (James 2:19) He calls us to be devoted followers, not convient followers. Anyone who comes after Him, must deny himself. (Matthew 16:24-25) Anyone who does not give up everything cannot be His disciple. (Luke 14:33) He is an all or nothing God. SO when I cling so tightly to things of this world, when I relax in state of complacency, when I say to GOD ALMIGHTY that HIS larger than life LOVE is not compelling enough to draw me to Him, and ( the real kicker for me) when I tell GOD that he is not quiet in control enough to handle my past or my future love life (ouch) I'm saying I don't love God. And when I say or my actions say I don't love God. I am not His child.


My world completely shattered reading this. The walls I had built up completely crumbled. I was staring truth in the face and had nothing to combat it with. There was nothing to say, no words to justify. I had been judged fairly and found at fault. I saw that I was deserving of death of complete seperation from GOD. I could not stop sobbing. In my mind though I kept thinking of all the good things I had done, all the times people had told me what a good person I was. None soothed, because it's not enough. It's not enough that I do or that I am. The only thing that is enough is GOD and I for months had been indifferent to HIM. My only response was to repent. A real repentance because for the first time in a while I saw my need for grace.
You see the thing about God is that He could have justifiably left me on the floor exposed and weeping. He soveriegnly had the right to pass by my broken ego but....


Praise HIM that HE is not what I deserve! He is much more, so much better. Instead HE choose to show me HIS grace. His abounding, astounding grace. Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that can pardon and clean within. Grace, grace, God's grace that will free us from all our sin. SO I come away from reading that entire book having such a sweeter understanding 1) of my role as believer. This is for real. Not a game that He wants to play with us that we can sit indifferently and watch. And 2) this love that He has for me is absolutely, undeniably the craziest thing and my response must be to love Him just as crazily!

The Fear

It's 4 days away from my 26th birthday. A dear old friend got me in the habit of allowing my birthday to linger for a week or so. So for the past 4 years I've been celebrating my birthday for days on end. There have been some magical moments.

This year though, I feel somehow distanced from people I love and memories to hold to. The season began bright with various friends mentioning fun things to do together. Yet with coming days nothing more has been spoken of them and each day that gets closer that I should be celebrating I get more sad.

I'm not sad that I'm not doing anything but sad that I don't hold a special place in 1 person's heart. 1 person that cares that it's my birthday and knows how excited I get when this time comes. I'm sad that I don't have that 1 person to share this with.

I'm realizing as I get older that the holidays really are a hard time of year and I'm not immuned to it. Thinking of loved ones lost during this time years ago. Thinking of love lost. Thinking of friendships changed. Thinking of my ever changing life. Thinking of this constant state of instability.

I know that marriage is not the cure all and comes with a world of other problems but in my selfish finite mind, I see it as that 1 person that is going through it all with me.

And even as I write I know that I am meant to be single for a purpose right now. And deep down I desire to be single right now, but there are moments of weakness, when it all seems just too much that it would be nice to share this with someone else. I'm then reminded that I have a slew of friends, a community of people that I love here, that God has provided me with. Still, I ache. I don't have that one, go to friend that I've had all of my life. Will life never be as it was? I feel this sense of loss often, that I don't have my core group as I had all throughout my highschool and college career.

Adult life is so very different than I expected. It has been some of the best times with so much freedom and choice and yet some of the worst times with so much freedom and choice. There have been real growth moments with God and me. Places where there was no other answer than God Is. And I suppose really that this is just another one of those moments.

The fear of being alone. The feeling of emptiness. The feeling of helplessness. And I must remember to answer that GOD IS. God is enough. God is deeper than my emptiness. God is capable. HE is. And when I choose to take this time to focus on all my havenots, I take away from this moment, Christmas, of clebrating all that HE is. All that I have in Him and all that I am in Him. When I choose to fear or live in inadaquecy and selfishness I'm saying that HE is not.

So my prayer this season, even before my potentially lame birthday, is that my heart is repositioned, not to look upon myself but to gaze upon Him. He, who is worthy of all praise, even in the midst of my loneliness. He who is.