The Fear

It's 4 days away from my 26th birthday. A dear old friend got me in the habit of allowing my birthday to linger for a week or so. So for the past 4 years I've been celebrating my birthday for days on end. There have been some magical moments.

This year though, I feel somehow distanced from people I love and memories to hold to. The season began bright with various friends mentioning fun things to do together. Yet with coming days nothing more has been spoken of them and each day that gets closer that I should be celebrating I get more sad.

I'm not sad that I'm not doing anything but sad that I don't hold a special place in 1 person's heart. 1 person that cares that it's my birthday and knows how excited I get when this time comes. I'm sad that I don't have that 1 person to share this with.

I'm realizing as I get older that the holidays really are a hard time of year and I'm not immuned to it. Thinking of loved ones lost during this time years ago. Thinking of love lost. Thinking of friendships changed. Thinking of my ever changing life. Thinking of this constant state of instability.

I know that marriage is not the cure all and comes with a world of other problems but in my selfish finite mind, I see it as that 1 person that is going through it all with me.

And even as I write I know that I am meant to be single for a purpose right now. And deep down I desire to be single right now, but there are moments of weakness, when it all seems just too much that it would be nice to share this with someone else. I'm then reminded that I have a slew of friends, a community of people that I love here, that God has provided me with. Still, I ache. I don't have that one, go to friend that I've had all of my life. Will life never be as it was? I feel this sense of loss often, that I don't have my core group as I had all throughout my highschool and college career.

Adult life is so very different than I expected. It has been some of the best times with so much freedom and choice and yet some of the worst times with so much freedom and choice. There have been real growth moments with God and me. Places where there was no other answer than God Is. And I suppose really that this is just another one of those moments.

The fear of being alone. The feeling of emptiness. The feeling of helplessness. And I must remember to answer that GOD IS. God is enough. God is deeper than my emptiness. God is capable. HE is. And when I choose to take this time to focus on all my havenots, I take away from this moment, Christmas, of clebrating all that HE is. All that I have in Him and all that I am in Him. When I choose to fear or live in inadaquecy and selfishness I'm saying that HE is not.

So my prayer this season, even before my potentially lame birthday, is that my heart is repositioned, not to look upon myself but to gaze upon Him. He, who is worthy of all praise, even in the midst of my loneliness. He who is.