Learning to Float

Sometimes I feel like I've jumped ship from my own life. Like I'm barely holding my head above the crashing waves around me, as I watch the ship I was on sail away over the horizon. And in all honesty sometimes I feel like I didn't jump, but rather God pushed me out of my possibly too comfortable ship. The waves still rage and I often feel like He's abandoned me to this sea of chaos without a life vest.

Sometimes I'm glad He pushed me out of the ship. Sometimes I'm glad life isn't at all what I expected it to be. But now. Right now at 2:23 in the morning, when I can't sleep because of anxiety, because of the fear that maybe He has abandoned me, the threat that life as I know it is over, I am not glad.

That ship I was on was nice. It held promise of better things, of stability, of permanence, of never really having to rely on God for my daily bread, not really. This. This flailing about in the open sea was exhilarating in the beginning. Something new. The unknown. But the thrill has gone now. My limbs are tired from treading water and I fear that if I stop, if I let go, I'll sink. Sink so deep that there will be no chance of revival. So I must tread. I must try to stay above water.

But I've felt the waves crash overhead. I've experienced the discombobulation of not knowing up from down. And somehow, this whole time of treading I've not drown, I've received strength when I didn't think I had anything left in me, and though I don't see Him and sometimes believe He sailed away with my life, I know He has not abandoned, I know it's been His hand always lifting my head back up from the overwhelming sea.

I find myself often looking for that ship I left one way or another. Maybe I should be looking for something totally different as that ship really has sailed. My feet are not set on solid ground just yet. Every time I feel they are, the earth shifts and I lose my footing, resuming the treading position. So I'm slowly learning not to trust the ground I find and instead maybe learn to float.

Pumpkins in September

I enjoyed this delicious piece of pumpkin bread accompanied by a sweet cup of Pumpkin Spice Latte! Here's hoping you enjoy every morsel of September.

Fragile Hearts

Today as I washed my face I realized the area around my nose ring was still sensitive. Months later this little hole is still not healed and I still need to be gentle with it.

I instantly thought about my own heart. The little piercings it's had along the way and the two massive, but shrinking, holes I placed there myself. All are healing by the grace of God but every now and then there is a careless movement and I'm reminded of how fragile I am. How sensitive I am. And how gentle I must be with my breakable heart.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Pure Autumn

picture courtsey of bing.com

Hey there September, I've missed you.

I've been thinking about how much I love Fall lately, but specifically September. Though Autumn doesn't begin until the 23rd I classify all of sweet September as the purest of all the Autumn months. October and November have Halloween and Thanksgiving while September stands on it's own in the simple beauty of Fall. Nothing to enhance, just pure Autumn. Maybe it's the fact that first is generally the best. The first taste of a delicious morsel, the first kiss, the first to cross the finish line.

Now please don't get me wrong, I enjoy October and November as much as the next person but there's the newness of Autumn that's worn off by then. Which is why it's great to have these holidays tossed in there to keep you liking the season. For me though, it's never quite as much as the first.

So, in honor of the first day of the pure month of Autumn I'm doing a little Fall decorating, lighting a pumpkin spice candle, wearing orange and brown, and baking! Happy Autumn to you. (in 22 days) :)

On We Go

Have I told you that I am currently jobless? I'm going on week 4 of unemployment after Harambee. Each week has started with a very distinctive feeling on Monday that has carried through the entire week. The first week was VACATION! Of course there was a small undercurrent of anxiety only because it was so strange to go from working so hard everyday to then relaxing. Nonetheless, that week was highly enjoyable. Week two I was in power mode. I knew if I just diddled around home I would drive myself insane, so I planned something everyday and was always on the hunt for a job. Week three? An absolute crash and burn in the beginning. I didn't take the time to plan anything so when Monday came without a job and without a specified activity, all hell broke loose and the wrestle began. Over the course of the week I spent some quality time on my knees, sobbing, trying to understand the mind of my Savior when I wasn't in my bed weeping over His infinitness. I wholly related to David in Psalms when he says that my tears were my food both day and night. As the week marched on, as time always does, I became a little less "why" focused and a little more "what now".

So it's Monday of week 4 and I'm feeling a little take the bull by the horns attitude stirring. I'm also pretty infatuated with the coming Autumn season and wanting to clean away the mess that summer left on my home and do a little crafting to welcome my new love. So, here's to a positive, productive, cleaning and crafting week! Hope yours is as filled with excitement as mine is sure to be!

Apple Pie, Warm Spice, Perfect Temps

I am longing for fall. For rustling leaves of splendid colors. For scarfs, jackets, and flats. I'm longing for hayrides. For warm sweet scents to fill my home. For apple picking, warm colors, and cuddling in throws.

This week I had the divine tasting of Renae's Apple Pie, Starbucks Chai Tea Latte, and God's cool blessing in August. It makes my heart quicken thinking of the joys of fall. It makes me think of The Wellman House. Looking out from the porch, across the highway to my favorite back road canopied with towering trees, leaves chasing the tail end of my car, a stream winding, and pastures littered with animals contributing to the smell of fall.

I miss that little town. What it lacks in amenities though, it makes up in ambiance particularly in the fall, by the river, in the park looking out over the perfect scene with a train whistling in the background. It's pretty perfect.

But maybe this little city will offer it's own beauty this season. Maybe I'll be able to appreciate it more this year than last as a year does quite change perspective. Maybe I'll find some cozy coffee shop with fun little trinkets and sweet graphics. Or maybe I'll find an avenue with welcoming little store fronts and even better treasures. Maybe I'll go to that park and explore a bit. Find a little niche, bring a blanket and a book, dream a little.

Hmmm... maybe.

I Have A Hope

I have a hope
I have a future
I have a destiny
That is yet awaiting me
My life's not over
A new beginning's just begun
I have a hope
I have this hope

God has a plan
It's not to harm me
But it's to prosper me
And to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me
Working all things for my good
Though trials may come
We have this hope

I will yet praise Him
My great Redeemer
I will yet stand up
And give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness
And He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him
My Lord my God

My God is for me
He's not against me
So tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great work He'll help me to complete
I have a hope
I have this hope

Goodness and mercy
They're gonna follow me
And I'll forever dwell
In the house of my great King
No eyes has ever seen
All He's preparing there for me
Though trials may come
I have this hope

There's still hope for me today
For the God of Heaven loves me.

~Tommy Walker~