The honest truth? Ughhh. Well, here it is. I have fallen for majority of the half-truths disguised as whole truths satan has brought my way. The most recent lie (and that's what they are) is that I'm not deserving of anything better.
You see, I started dating a boy we'll call "Kaden" when I was 12 years old. I remember how it started. We were at church camp where too many tragic love stories begin. My friends ran down the hill to tell me that Kaden had a crush on me. Now, I had always known Kaden and thought that he was very cute, but never thought I had a chance with him. Even at the ripe young age of 12 I had self defeating thoughts! So, blushing I denied it and brushed them off. The Sunday after church camp he passed a note to me that said no lie "Do you like me? Check yes or no" I didn't check a box because even at 12 I was already thinking I want to keep this to remember forever and share with our kids, talk about jumping the gun! I figured I could just tell him face to face.
***As a side note, as I'm writing this, I'm astounded at how much you can tell about me when I was 12 now 14 years later.***
So, I'm not sure how the rest of it played out but I remember at youth group that night we were a "thing". Nothing had really changed but it was now somehow different. I couldn't make normal eye contact with him, I couldn't sit by him, we didn't hold hands. We simply had the title and awkwardness between. A sign of fantastic things to come I'm sure.
Well, later that week I was sick of our "long distance relationship", we went to different middle schools, so I broke up with him for the first time. And so it began. We have now spent the past 14 years playing that same game one of us liking the other, dating, breaking up for various reasons. 14 years later and I am now devastated.
While I was in college Kaden enrolled for the Army. The fear of him leaving and the thrill of a summer together left us what I've always called quazi engaged without a ring. I loved him as much as I knew how and at this point I think he loved me as much as he knew how. Two people who don't know a thing about love trying to love each other now literally living hundreds of miles apart was not a good thing. As I grew intellictually and spirtitually, he trained to fight for and protect our country. Our paths were headed in completely different directions; mine wherever the Lord led, his wherever the army took him. After much prayer and heartache I again decided to end things with him because he didn't passionately love the Lord like I'd always desired my future husband to. This was truely the end of this saga we'd had, so I thought.
A year later and desperately seeking to find myself I called him out of the blue and we finally talked about things we'd avoided for the past year and became nakedly honest with each other. It was one of the most beautiful things I've been apart of. There was some healing for my heart in that moment. What I didn't realize was I all I had done was put a bandaid over a gapping wound that needed some serious medical attention.
Every year from that point on we subconciously made it a habbit to find each other and try to rekindle things. Every year it was this search to see if the Lord had changed him, if this was our time, if things were different now. Every time though it was a resounding no. Sometimes I would listen obediently and run the other way and other times I would linger in the realtionship till I could stand the conviction no longer. They were almost like emotional "bootycalls". Either way I was sinning against a Holy God.
Just recently Kaden of course made his yearly appearance in my life. Things seemed to be different. He spoke of the Lord as if He were a person he had a realtionship with, not a distant realtive like before. He seemed far more caring than he had ever been in my whole life of knowing him. He seemed "ready". With a 14 year history of an onagain/offagain relationship when things start up again they don't start up slowly. They pick up right where they left off, which for us was an egagement period. Emotionally, I think within a few days of actually being around him I was right back in the saddle of loving him.
So much so in fact that I invited him to enter my adult world in Hannibal. This world had never been tainted by him or one of our dramatic break ups. It was a blank canvas, much like our "newly" developing realtionship. Things were different, so I thought.... but my oh my how the heart lies.
He later revealed his true colors unmasking all the beauty that I had been seeing. Or maybe the Lord was finally revealing the ugliness in him that I needed to see. Either way I was reminded of why we never worked out in the first place and why I should have known better. Yet still it hurt excrutiatingly.
So in an attempt to find closier for 14 years I sent him an email saying various things but one that stands out now. I asked him to, just in case I forget the pain he put me through and try to communicate with him, avoid all contact with me even if I initiate it.
The sad thing is, is that the heart is resilient (that part is beautiful), it can be broken but mended, cut but stiched, I know I will forget. Or worse yet but so true is that I'll remember but still choose him. I'll choose him because like I thought when I was 12 I can't do any better. "Kaden likes me? No way could a boy that cute like me." The tune has a changed a bit but still rings true Kaden likes me? No other guy would like me if he truely knew me. Kaden knows some pretty secret things about me and was willing to marry me. Why should I, a girl who has her fair share of sin, expect anything better than a guy who half heartdly loves her and worse yet the Lord?
The questions have turned and turned and the tears have poured and poured. I'm still left with all these questions and concerns, doubts and fears. I was reading a friends blog post about a book she was getting ready to read. The top ten reasons why singleness is on the rise. She gave a bit of a summary from the back and listed the top 10 reasons. I felt like I could relate to 8 of the 10. That is a scary thing, to know that I am letting my own fears stop me, my own insecurities hinder me and what God may want to do through me. I am essentially telling God that He is not in control of my past, present, or future. And that He can't make something that once was hideous, something beautiful.
That's not the sweet nothings I want to whisper to my God. That's not what I wanted to say at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment