{A single, hot mess, talks about marriage}

Spoiler alert: I'm single and looking for the perfect guy.
Spoiler alert: He doesn't exist!

These may not seem spoiler alert worthy to you, more like obvious, we should know this. But can I maybe suggest we don't know this as much as we think we do.

So, I'm pretty single, I don't know what exactly that means but it definitely felt like the right way to start this sentence. So I'm single and I do desire to be married someday and so it's because of this future desire that I feel obliged to read articles about marriage and singleness and learn while still single what it means to be a Godly wife. And to learn what it is exactly that I'm supposed to be looking for in the opposite sex when I say I want a "spiritual leader". And because I'm SUPER awkward around men I find the teensiest bit attractive there are articles out there to help girls like me. Except that maybe when I read lists of do's and don'ts and then it finishes with "just be yourself" I'm always a bit confused as to what I should be. So on my hunt for the perfect guy, I find that I'm not all that perfect myself... so there's that.

But on a real note, I feel like I'm coming to this place of beginning to grasp the very fringes of this mystery of both singleness and marriage. I'm finding what Paul says to be true in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. It is SO cheesy but it just honestly is what it is right now, I really love the Lord. Like... (a long hesitation)like a husband! I know I know. In college all these way over the top girls would be like Jesus is my husband!!!! And I'd be like you're crazy! But I've come to find that my devotion can be about the Lord's affairs and this has been a place of joy and rest and much comfort. So... I really have found the perfect man. You know, cause Jesus is the only man who came and lived a perfect life. And let me say, it would be real easy (and I use 'easy' loosely here) to stay in this place of saying "the Lord is my husband" and close my eyes to any other options because of fear of what a human husband would do to the dynamics of my relationship with the Lord. It would be really easy and in fact is a place that I'm currently dancing in and out of.

Nonetheless there is still a desire for marriage. And I know I'm not alone when I say sometimes the gazing can become quite superficial. We I can judge a man and immediately write him off because of his interest in Battlestar Galactica, a lazy eye, or a loud voice. Yes, these are all reasons I've heard or expressed myself at some point. It's awful right? Because the reality is, I can watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days on repeat for days without batting an eye. There are unsightly things about my body. And shall I even begin to talk about my laugh that can drown out conversations because it's so loud. I would be mortified if a man wrote me off for these things. Yet, I expect perfection. And it's not only in these silly things but also in more meaningful. I hold them to a higher standard than I do myself, expecting them to have it all together spiritually and emotionally. When I know I'm a hot mess being pruned and shaped by a gracious, loving God.

I guess I'm just thinking of conversations I've had with friends over the years where one of us was complaining about men and thinking about current situations where from a selfish perspective it would be justified to end the relationship or not give it any room to potentially bloom. But I think when our perspective shifts and it becomes more about God and less about us we can look at another person, seeing their imperfections, not ignoring them and chose to look past them to the actual person. If marriage truly is a representation on earth of the fellowship of God and man (Ephesians 5:25-33), then I think it is much more about our holiness than our happiness. It doesn't make a great Hollywood blockbuster but it sure does make for a beautiful story of redemption. We are to be a tool of refining for others and in the process we too get refined. This is holiness. And it actually makes room for happiness though our happiness is not the ultimate goal.

I suppose all I'm trying to say is stop looking for the perfect person. They don't exist outside of Jesus Christ himself. And that means you too, my friend, are not perfect. We're not. It's so hard to hear, I know. But I think the sooner we understand this the sooner we have healthier marriages, the sooner the divorce rates drop, and the sooner we can actually become content and effective in marriage and singleness.

So, that's enough of the rantings of a happily single girl who wants to get married yet is confused over if she ever wants to get married. I told you, I'm a hot mess!