To The Ones Who Need to Read This But Won't

Like the clouds over head bursting with rainfall there is a heaviness in St. Louis that is palpable. And like the very wind that rattles my windows and seemingly sways the very foundation my house is set on, so has the crisis that has risen here do to us. Something pushes at the very panes of our windows threatening to break in and there are varied responses. Some of these responses I've not been surprised by, others have shocked and appalled me as they have come from the very community that is to be the picture of reconciliation for world to emulate, The Church, and yet there is such hatred, such fear, and such refusal to listen for understanding.

Romans 12:17-21
"Repay NO ONE evil for evil, but give thought to do what is HONORABLE in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Some of you have forgotten what your position is to be in the face of real conflict, when faced with turmoil that is larger than your individual life. Some of you never knew because you've been consumed with only the needs of your own lives and refused to see the needs around you. Some of you have kept an arms length or a 100 mile radius from St. Louis in fear literally terrified to come to this city, terrified to drive through neighborhoods for fear that you may be attacked. What happened to your belief of "Do not fear for I am with you". The same verse you post around your home to "encourage your heart" loses it's power when placed against situations that are larger than you. May your foundation be shaken. May this crisis break every window pane you perceive the world through and may you actually find power in the words of God, who didn't say don't fear for ONLY the small individualistic problems we face but also for the larger scale ones that  we face as a community. You don't get to hide in fear here. He has given your heart courage. Do not back down in fear. Rather, walk into the very places you fear the most and do good.

Some of you seem to believe you can only support Wilson, because doing anything else would be unchristian. You are mistaken. The situation is complex because the 2 people involved were sinners. Is it possible that there was fault in both people? Is it possible that both Wilson and Brown made mistakes that day? Isn't that a more natural, logical conclusion. Instead of believing one person did EVERYTHING wrong. In your relationship with people when there is conflict isn't it true that there was often wrong done on both sides? So to simply only support Wilson, because he's a white authority figure that surely had to be doing everything right is ludicrous and exposes your beliefs about wrongness and rightness solely based on color and position of authority. I'm sorry, but if you're human you were born into sin and NO man is above it unless of course He's Jesus.... which I'm going to go ahead and tell you, he's not. So the ability to sin is available to all; white men in authority and disenfranchised black men both have the ability to sin equally. So may your walls and windows of pretense and judgement come crumbling down with the winds blowing through St. Louis. May God rattle you so that you may see the humanity and glory in each person that roams this earth.

And there are some of you, who sit in your ivory tower casting judgement on the protesters, the voice of this battle. You, in jest or in all seriousness, make snide remarks or in fear of making them yourself, "like" others remarks about the protesters and their need to find a job. You irritate me the most. You, clearly, have no understanding the bigger underlying issues the death of Mike Brown has brought out for the minority community. You have scrolled over the countless articles and status updates that address some of these issues without reading a word but have lingered and gawked at every picture of people midday protesting and developed your own thoughts on the joblessness of these people. Get over yourself. Were this a young man needlessly killed in your community by someone you trusted and looked to as a person of safety wouldn't you be up in arms too. If day after day you went seeking answers and yet got none. Wouldn't you make certain sacrifices until justice prevailed. Or do you care so little about the needs and welfare of others that you wouldn't be phased? I mean, what is the point of an ivory tower if not but to keep you tucked away from the needs of others. May your ivory tower crumble beneath your very feet and may you be found lacking and destitute so that you would actually turn to the compassion of Jesus and that through the very compassion you find in Him you would extend compassion to others.

To quote a song by Rend Collective "We are your church, we are the hope on earth." The song is called Build Your Kingdom Here. You know what it requires to build something new? It requires rattling and shaking the old systems to completely demolish them. Some of us have been living and thinking under old systems. God has come to build a new Kingdom. And it's not a white suburban kingdom and a black city kingdom and Chinese or Latino kingdoms. We ALL from every socioeconomic background, race, tribe, and nation will be established under the same Kingdom. It often seems the white community I know is more receptive to the idea of God's Kingdom being filled with white Americans and every other nation in the rest of the world. Let me tell you, dear white people, the very people you defame now struggling to have their voices heard in Ferguson are the ones that will be standing beside you in the Kingdom of God. Yeah, that's right, some of the very people you so despise and look down on are your own. I'll let you wrestle with that one for a bit.    

We are His church. We are the hope on earth.

There's No Sense In Apologies

Let's skip the apologies this time ok?

It's been 14 months since I last wrote here and in 14 months life happens. In 14 minutes life happens and there's no need to apologize for life and its happenings regardless of the amount of time that's passed.

Life happens and the next thing you know its been 14 months and your heart and hands are burdened with messages that need to be released in a world of white space and tiny scribblings. 

So here we are, with no apologies and endless amounts of white space left. It can be overwhelming....the white space and being unapologetic. Maybe more so the being unapologetic. I apologize for everything. Like EVERYTHING. I run into a table, I apologize to the table. I run to an elevator door closing, I apologize to those who held it open. I startle at someone walking into the same entrance as me and I apologize. I find I can be a walking apology. And I'm just kind of over it. As a side note you know what I never got "under" but am so over (see what I did there :)   )? #sorryiamnotsorry   SO. OVER. IT. You just apologized for being unapologetic! It's like people saying " You can't have your cake and eat it too." What the ***? Oh yes I can! What's the point of having a cake but not eating it? Someone riddle me that. Sorry I'm not sorry??? GAH!

Now I'm not saying there is never a time to apologize. When you're in the wrong, absolutely apologize. I mean I didn't buy that etiquette book years ago and learn nothing from it! I am saying though, that when I find myself  in a place where I'm apologizing to inanimate objects I also find myself apologizing for things that are outside of my control or that warrant no apology.

I can find myself internalizing the thoughts of; I'm sorry my skin color has made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry my grammar baffled you, I'm sorry my femininity made you question your masculinity, I'm sorry my body made you self-conscious of your own, I'm sorry my personality has made you feel inadequate. I'm sorry I am me, a voluptuous, educated, confident, brown skinned woman. And not in the humble-brag kind of way, but a legit apology for these things which make up... me. 

Well I am SO over that bull! I'm starting the I'm sorry I was ever sorry for that stuff I never had any reason to be sorry about movement! #isiwesftsinhartbsam

Over the course of the past 2 months I have encountered a plethora of white people apologizing for their whiteness and black people admitting their sense of apology for their blackness in a white dominant culture. Let's skip the apologies this time ok? They're not needed. Not for the color of your skin. Not for the upbringing you had. Your apologies aren't needed. The color of your skin, from the lightest to the darkest hue does not warrant an apology.

The negative intentions, words, and actions brought forth out of a belief that a hue is more superior, more deserving, more (fill in the blank) than the other is where the apologies need to begin flowing. Apologizing for injustice, oppression, ignorance, hatred, abandonment- Yes, please! But apologizing for the skin that you wear... oh no no no my friends, there's no sense in apologies.

  

The One Where No Title Seemed Right

So, it's August. You deserve a big HELLO that's been 5 months in the making. The last time I wrote it was March and I was dreaming of spring. It's now the end of August and I'm giddy for autumn. Here in my Little City/Big Town the weather has been A-mazing. Usually we're sweating to the oldies remembering the good'ole times we had in dreadful winter. Not so this year. Not so.
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That part was written a week ago. This week it's been 100 degrees... literally and Sunday it will be September. In case I don't say it, welcome September!
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I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, she's been gone for 5 months and she's talking about the weather? THE WEATHER!! Well... my response to you is.... yep. It's hard being gone 5 months and then trying to catch up without being too overwhelming. So my default was the weather, but I lacked a transition. I've been gone too long. Bare with me.

So... the quick update so that you can make sense of what I'm about to say is:
In the span of 6 months 3 people I cared for deeply died. And 3 others were diagnosed with cancer.
I fell apart emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
After months of perpetual grieving I came back to life.
I postponed leaving for London one year.
I began eating less and moving more.
You are now caught up.

The other day I was running (because I run 3 miles everyday now! I know right. DO you even know me anymore??). My path, originally completely unintentional, gives me a view of the hospital my friend lived in the last months of her life. Everyday, I run by it and think of her. Some days are more emotional than others. Some days I'm more exhausted than others, you know how that goes.

Usually when I round the bend at the hospital there is grown up prairie on either side of the path. Just the day before there had been. But that day I rounded the bend to find the prairie on one side had been cut down. In the shadow of the looming hospital, standing next to the naked land my heart began to ache. I continued putting one foot in front of the other but my mind would not move forward. Why would they cut down my prairie? It was so pretty, so peaceful, a little hideaway home for animals of the woods. Why would they cut it down like that, without warning, without notice? As I ran slowly by it again I tried to pry my eyes away but could not. I wondered why I was so emotionally attached to this prairie land. I looked to the opposite side,  where there was lush growing prairie and beyond it the hospital. And the tears began to flow. I missed my friend Jenny. And as confused as I was about the prairie land I was confused about her death. And in that moment I was oddly comforted by the words of John 12:24, I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives.

In order to preserve the prairie it had to be cut down. It's a strange concept that from death will come life. But Jesus is kind of in the business of doing strange things that seem counter intuitive. I've seen this truth in my own life over the last few months of mourning. I've been led to a life filled place because of the death that once surrounded me. How many times have we heard of someone making a positive dramatic life change because of their loss? This is Jesus being faithful to His promise that from death, life will spring. 
I miss my friend dearly. But I'm convinced that, just like on the opposite side of my path there is still lush green, wild prairie there is beautiful life springing up in me because of the life she lived. 
I of course didn't always have that perspective. There were many days spent on the couch or in bed avoiding life. We'll call those my "Reliving Dawson's Creek Days". I questioned everything and shouted psychotically at God when my silence treatment had grown too loud, only to retreat back. I'm so grateful, on this side of it, that He can handle my outbursts and not just handle it but knows me so intimately to know what I'm actually saying under and through all my hurt and mourning. He has proven Himself more faithful and loyal than I know what to do with. It's because of His gentle kindness that I am gladly back at pursuing His plans for me in London after a few month hiatus from support raising.

There has been much pain and sorrow but I've also been able to experience more life and joy because of it. I've been encouraged to whole heartedly pursue losing weight and making healthy decisions in general. I have said yes to wonderful opportunities and no to things that have no value. I've treasured friendships and family more than I ever have. Life has come and is coming, but I only know that because death was once here.   

spring is coming

I parked under a tree and came back to a car covered in sap.

Driving away I, irritated by the spots on my window, sprayed them down and wiped them off.

Later, streaks still spreading across my window, I again cleared it off.

It was then that I realized, in the dark of night,

with one headlight beaming ahead, that sap was on my car.

Sap.

The trees are awakening from their slumber.

Though they look dead, bare and fragile arms reaching to the sky,

snow encircling them, deep underneath the topsoil of this earth

there is life percolating.

Life is spreading through the veins of the trees.

Life is seeping out, clinging to what it touches. 

Spring is coming. 

There are no blossoms, they sing no song of warning,

But there is sap on my car.

Spring is coming. 

{abundant life. really?}

I got the best news of my life and then I got depressed. 

True story. I could explain the whole grueling mess but let's suffice it say that following God's calling is often followed by trials. This was my experience and it has not been pretty. 

There have been many a "gray" day in the past few months. Days where I was so overcome by despair and hurt that though the sun was shining I could not drag myself out of bed. I could not interact and engage with the world around me. It has been fascinating to me to talk to other people who have walked through times of depression. A characteristic that I have exhibited as well as others is lack of motivation to shower. Y'all, I LOVE being clean. I LOVE the scent of my body wash. I LOVE when my curls do their thing. LOVE IT. I'm so for real when I tell you I could not do it. 

I've been rocking this bun on the top of my head for months now because even after finding the motivation to shower I don't care enough to do anything with the mop atop my head. Makeup has not touched my face but once in the past several months and that was to take a picture that would be going to the masses. And then, that makeup stayed there until it sank into the abyss of my pores or smeared my pillow cases. 

It's funny how depression manifests itself differently in different people. Some pull at their hair creating bald patches, some overeat, some hide away for days on end. Funny was maybe not the appropriate word, interesting, it's interesting. 

What I'm learning in the midst of all of it though is that even here in this gray place there is a wide spectrum of emotions to be experienced. Even in gray times there's still a place to experience joy and deep happiness. There is a place to actually be at peace and for my mind to find rest. Even here in these gray days.

Today, it's dreary out. Clouds hover low to the earth, puddles form on uneven ground. I'm moving to a place where this will be the norm and I'll have to learn to live in it. Depression will not always be the norm for my life, trials however are and likewise I'm learning that there's life to be lived in the gray days. There's life to be lived in the midst of trials. And there's life to be lived in depression. 

John 10:10 says The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Y'all this is GOOD NEWS! News that I need to remind myself of daily. Jesus Christ came so that we, you and me, would have life and not just life but abundant life. I had to Google abundant life and this is one beautiful description I found : superabundance, excessive, overflowing, surplus, over and above, more than enough, profuse, extraordinary, above the ordinary, more than sufficient.

This is not a meager living God is promising. He is promising extraordinary life both after we depart this world and now. I'm letting that sink in and wash over me. He's not waiting to give me a surplus of life but He is giving it now. 

One description said, " A quantity so abundant as to be considerably more than what one would expect or anticipate." It's reminiscent of  1 Corinthians 2:9 which says, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him."

Trials. Hardships. Maybe even depression. But He is giving life in the midst of it. That is His promise. And He is faithful to His promises. 

Like Whoa

Do you ever have those times when you look at the trajectory of your life and think WHOA? I finally had one of those moments today.

It's been since October that I've written on this little spot of mine. 4 months ago! My life is tremendously different since then and yet monotonously the same. I've been approved to move to London this year. Though I've been preparing for it for months now and chatting surreal-ly  with dear friends and family it wasn't until today that it became in the slightest sense, my story. 

I sat in a home with others listening to a friend talk about London. I listened and smiled remembering my own experiences from the summer. As he talked about various needs and thoughts he had I was keenly aware that this information being processed in my head at that very moment was not distant and unrelated to me but that in fact is what I'm entering into.

I am moving to London. Me? WHOA!!!! 

Ya'll!  If you knew half of the person I used to be before Christ, you'd be astonished too. For. Real. My new life looks radically different from the life trajectory I had. And I have no other response but WHOA!

Colossians 3:10 says, "and we have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator." 

I love this so very much because it gives me a secret insight into this new life I've been given. I know what the end result will be. I will be more like my Creator. Beautiful? Glorious? So amazing? Yes, but.

This process is not overnight and it's not easy. My old flesh is die hard. And it seems the more I commit myself to putting on the new self, the more my old self bucks against it. So this is where I've been. Caught up in the putting on of my new self while hourly slaying my old self and its ways that lead to death. This is hard work. 

Many people think the hard work starts when you do the thing you're called to do. Hard work it is, but I'm learning it doesn't start there. It's actually starts that moment when you, with reckless abandon, for the cause of Christ in the world, give yourself away to Him for His purposes. BAM! HARD. WORK. 

So I look at where I've been and am humbled that my Creator has and is redeeming my brokenness. I look at where I'm going and am stunned that this new life He's given me will (and is) being used up for Him. 

Whoa.

Wednesday Things

1. Do I even need to tell you how thrilled I am that my Cardinals are movin' and shakin' in the post-season? Now, in all honesty I must confess that I did think it wouldn't be the most terrible thing if they didn't go to the post season... because well my life kind of gets put on hold when we are in the post season. Late nights. Stats updates. Lower work performance. It's a bit exhausting but here we are and now WE MUST WIN.

2. Do you remember last year's World Series Song? What do you think it will be this year? This or maybe this?

3. Let's talk about my love of sweet potatoes and my love of cheesecake and how this just happened.

4. We all know my thoughts on my own singleness. I'm pretty vocal about it. I pray not in an obnoxious way, but more in a oh she wants to be married, I know a single guy that would be great for her way. Please tell me if I become this. Seriously..... seriously.

5. "I think singles must feel more acutely than most that we are 'aliens and strangers' in this world." 1 Peter 2:11. Want to read more, go here.

6. I blingged out a pumpkin tonight. I feel pretty bad about it. Like I've gone all Good Hair on it. This poor little pumpkin was just fine, even quite lovely in its natural orange state but then I came along and was all like, wouldn't you be prettier if you were white and sparkling. I know what you're saying... it's a pumpkin! But shall we just recall that I'm the girl who's beside herself with joy that I haven't killed my plant and I've had it for a month. You want to know what I do to keep it alive? I talk to it. Yep. Telling it how pretty it is and how badly I want it to live. I stroke its tender little leaves and I like never water it. Like ever. Except one time. Literally once and it's still alive. I think I've found my plant soul mate.

7. I got an awesome hair cut a few weeks ago. And I love my salon because they "teach" me as they go. I'm not a great learner when it comes to this stuff none the less I try real hard. Any way, I spent an inordinate amount of money to buy this shampoo especially meant for women with curly hair like mine. So you can imagine my shock after buying specialty shampoo and conditioner and going to a salon that knows how to cut curly hair when I found this rouge straight hair in my head among the gray scatterings. Such was my shock that I started snapping pictures in the fitting room.

8. I successfully missed watching the presidential debates tonight. I think this has got me pretty well covered and if not that than this should offer some help before voting day.

9. Um.... along with these political ads being over I'm wishing scary movie/show previews were over too. Driving down the highway today I saw a billboard for a haunted house with a creepy mask on it Because creepy masks aren't scary enough until they're plastered on billboards.

10. I'm turning 30 in T-minus 2 months and I still don't have an evening face washing routine. Things I thought I should have down by now. Discuss.
....no but seriously...

buses and men {it's hard waiting for either}

Bus! She sees them lined up outside waiting for her. It's been a long day, a long wait for the bus. She hits and claws as she is escorted to her next activity only wanting to be going to the bus. Bus! she yells dropping to the floor, crying. All she wants is the bus that will carry her away from this place to where she longs to be. She doesn't know that I want the bus for her too, that I'm not withholding the bus from her. She doesn't understand that it's just not time yet. Bus time is near but not quite yet.

Even as I write this I cry just as I did that exhausting day. I cried because it was a little message to me. Let's make me "She", "Bus" husband, and "I" God.

Husband! I see them lined up outside waiting for me. It's been a long wait for a husband. I hit and claw or yell and cry as I'm led to my next phase in life, only wanting a husband. Husband! I yell, dropping to the floor, crying. All I want is a husband that will carry me away from this place of loneliness to where I long to be. I don't know that God wants a husband for me too, that He's not withholding a husband from me. I don't understand that it's just not time yet. Marriage is near but not quite yet.

Watching her throw a fit, knowing that the clock was ticking and soon enough our day would be over and she would have bus, gave me so much more patience and compassion for her as I saw myself.

I don't want to waste anymore of my life weeping and whaling over buses. God has told me, no good thing will He withhold from me. If I don't have it right now, I don't need it right now.

Here's what my sweet friend Ashlie from Ashlie Writes said that I desperately needed to hear:

This morning I'm thinking of the sweet soul who is dried up and discouraged in a situation or season that has been dragging on for what seems like forever...God hears you. You're not alone. Keep trusting, even if you don't "see" any progress. God has a way of working in ways that we don't see...and that's where faith comes in. If your faith is weak today, know that you are being held up in prayer :) God is into bringing life into what seems dead, rebuilding the broken, restoring what seems lost, and bringing the surviving to a place of thriving. It doesn't always look the way we think it should...but remember He is always GOOD. Hang in there!! Rain IS coming to your wilderness :)

"For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." - Isaiah 43:19

weekend

Crunchy leaves.
Lake.
Cardigans.
Autumnal colors.
Friends.
Chilled breezes.
Late night.
Star gazing.
Tender moments.
S'mores.
Obnoxious singing.
Ice cream and diet cokes.
Hay.
Candy Corn.
Sweet children.
Laughter.
Tears.
Worship.
Naps.
Secret smiles.
And inside jokes.
Country music.
Quiet moments.

I. Love. This. Season.

Wednesday Things

1.Hallelujah! Blogger finally got my message and fixed the dang thing so spell check is back! I'll go ahead and tell you I've been writing in word cause I just like to type and have the freedom to mess up, knowing that a red line will pop up for my every mistake! I ride or die by the red line. That's right, I said it. Ride. Or. Die. Nope it doesn't make sense but that's how I roll over here! Whaaa.

2. OMGersh! Have you been counting down? Because I have. 3-0 in 2 months. WHAT!!! Where has the time gone. I was like oh I'll do that before I'm thirty and look at that, here I am 2 months and some days before 30. So... there's that. I may or may not have panic attacks occasionally about this fact. Some days there's so much excitement I could almost burst because somewhere in my head 30 will look like Sex and the City minus all the sex. Then other days I come back to reality, seeing my life looking a bit more like 13 Going on 30 except more on the 13 side.

3. Speaking of. I've fancied myself listening to the radio more these days. Ask me why? I have NO idea. Scratch that I have 3 ideas.(1, 2, 3) These three songs came on in a row today and I had to remind myself I was not 16 years old. If you're ever in the area and you pass a wild curly haired girl driving down the highway drumming on the steering wheel, seemingly singing at the top of her lungs with choreographed shoulder and hand moves it's me. Don't ask questions. Just know that 1 of these 3 songs is playing and I've exited mature adulthood for 4 minutes or more.

4.Did you read this? Cause I'm just putting it out there, I DO! 

5. And can I eat about a 10 of these a day and never get sick...ever?

6. Are we going to talk about this? But could we not talk about how bad I am with names. Like how I, even to this day, get Ryan Gosling mixed up with Jon Gosselin. I was all like what's the big whoop with Ryan Gosling. Is he what we're considering a heart throb these days. Yowzers! I now know the error of my ways. 

7. While we're at what we're not going to talk about, we're also not talking about how much I cry at Parenthood... every week...multiple times an episode. uggghh.
8. I may have fallen asleep with my laptop in bed with me. I may have realized I will never be that parent who has babies sleeping in the bed with them. I mean I know this slimline computer is lacking those precious chubby cheeks, rolly legs, tiny facial features, gurgles, and that sweet baby smell. *sigh*
9. If this is true. I need to be apologizing for like nearly every conversation I have.... pleeeeease tell me their wrong.
10. I'm going camping this weekend. I mean staying in a cabin and having mostly DElicious meals prepared. What?

with eyes wide open

It’s officially Autumn weather here in the STL. Maybe even a bit cooler than the average October. I don’t mind though, cause that means necessary layers which I love, but which looks and feels terrible in the summer. I don’t, however, like to layer it up while I’m at home. It’s a very strange thing. I actually wear as little clothing as possible while still maintaining proper roommate etiquette all throughout the year. So when I’m home and freezing cause we don’t want to turn the heat on there’s a problem.

The problem with turning the heat on so early though is that she wins. She, being Mother Nature and I look and feel like a wuss. She pulled a fast one here though. One day it was literally 83 degrees and the very next day it was 53. Wuss! Oh my word, I was such a wuss. I pulled out my heater fan, which I just think is the best thing ever, and warmed myself up.

However brilliant heater fans are, they are big energy suckers for being such small things.  None the less, my roomy had the same wussing out- heater fan experience. One thing led to the other and we flipped our breaker. Not such a big deal on a Saturday morning at 4 am when everyone gets up to their cell phone alarm anyway. It was a bigger deal when I was in the shower at 7 and the lights went out. You never really know just how dark those windowless interior rooms are until you’re unexpectedly left in the dark… in the shower, potentially already having your eyes closed… because it’s 7 in the morning on a Saturday… and you’re still not quite awake.

As I stood in that shower for those few confusing moments of darkness I thought about……. how dark it was. I know, pretty profound right? But really it was for me. I often do close my eyes in the shower and in those moments I could not tell whether my eyes were opened or closed. That’s how dark it was. But then the lights came back on and I could clearly tell darkness from light- eyes shut or eyes open.

2 Corinthians 4:4 says “In their case (those who are perishing vs.3) the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.”

I thought about how the god of this world, Satan, works and how he so blinds people that when they are in the dark they don’t know when their eyes are opened or when their eyes are shut. When in darkness, they don’t know that they are necessarily in darkness. It all looks the same with eyes open or with eyes shut.

But then light comes. John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  When the light comes it clearly distinguishes between dark and light. I know for certain whether my eyes are opened or closed. Even if I chose to keep them closed I know that light is on the other side.

Matthew 4:16 says “the people who walked in darkness have seen a great light,… on them a light has dawned.” 

 A light has graciously dawned on those who believe. It was no work that we did to make the light shine, it simply did and at that moment our eyes were opened. We don’t yell at physically impaired blind people to see because they in themselves cannot change their circumstances. Likewise, it is pointless to yell at a spiritually blind person. Instead, with eyes wide open, we speak of what light is like and pray that they too would have eyes pried open stepping out of darkness into glorious light.

what's in a name?

{Here on Hodiamont}


Peppermints. Who could have known but an 80 year old woman and the bottom of her purse how wildly popular peppermints would be among neighborhood kids. It’s hilarious. We gave some to some kiddos today and they began to pound down the door in droves asking for peppermints. In one batch of kids there was not one face that I recognized. So I asked them their names. Remember. Promise. Joy. Patricia. It seems as though someone got the short stick in the game of meaningful names.

Seriously though, when I heard them first come out of their mouths I was like whaaa these are some crazy names. Specifically Remember and Promise (who is a boy). But as I looked at them and thought about this very season in my own life their names became so beautiful and priceless to me. I don’t know that I’ll explicitly name my child remember or promise but a name meaning those very words is quite possible.

I’m sure when the day comes for me to have children I’ll want their names to be meaningful, some how embodying all the wrestling I went through with God to have them. I’ll need it for myself to remember the kindness of the Lord but also for them. For those days when I just don’t want to be a mom, when I don’t want to step back and discipline in love. When I don’t want to be patient or gentle. When I just want them to be in bed silent and asleep or saying respectful kind words to mommy. I’ll need those names repeating in my head as I’ve said them over and over throughout the day. Names like I longed and He provided, I wept and He saw, He heard my cries and answered, He is near to the brokenhearted. Names that are not just true for this season of waiting in my life but that are true forever about Him; faithful, good, provider, redeemer, Savior, Creator, God Almighty. I’ll just go ahead and tell you I’m not naming a child of mine God Almighty. So… there’s that. (sigh of relief).

At first glance it does seem as if peppermint Patty got the short stick in meaningful names but in reality her name is just as meaningful. Noble. Gentle, dignified, and excellent. So, I will Remember the Promise of my Noble Father with Joy.





“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days Trajedi” –George Carlin, Brain Droppings

Garbage Over Glory

{Here on Hodiamont}
I was eating eggs looking out my huge front windows that open up to the courtyard below and the parking lot with the dumpster to the side. If I sit in the right spot I can look over all the buildings and just see trees. I can imagine it a quaint little spot in the city. Our apartment is warm, cozy, and inviting. It's easy to just kind of get lost up here. To hear the laughter and voices of children and families below but not actually ever really see them. On this day I was taking time to see them. To watch them. Had someone looked up at me watching them it might have looked a little strange but the Lord was speaking truth to my heart and I could not pry my eyes away.

Behind the overflowing dumpster sat 2 mattresses. Mattresses meant to be picked up with the other trash in the coming days. Trash that’s teeming with bacteria, bugs, and I’m sure rodents of sorts. The dumpster’s sides caked with food remnants, trash from bathroom’s, and unwanted filth. Still, behind this dumpster, just mere feet from it sat these mattresses on the ground. I looked on as children began to come out to play. Where else would they go but to the mattresses. Trampolines, to the children here. Others got out their soccer balls and began kicking them in the middle of the parking lot, having no regard for the vehicles they may hit accidentally. All the while a park lay on the opposite end of the dumpster lot. A park that has play ground equipment to swing on and jump off. A park that has a soccer field with a goal setup. This beautiful park sits right next to the parking lot that the children play in. They’d rather play in the dumpster and cramped spaces than to enjoy the park that’s built for what they actually want to do.

As I stared at them I thought of myself. I too, often choose the dumpster. I choose to jump on the bedbug ridden mattresses rolling around in trash rather than the park that I can see from my squalor. I choose my sin over and over again though God has given me, through Jesus, freedom from the sin that bound me and a direct path to abundant life. I imagine myself jumping on those mattresses and thinking about the green fields I’d want to run in, thinking about the freedom that I want to have if only I could get to the park.

The park is here. The way is clear. I need but to step out of the filth that so easily entangles me. To choose the green grass instead of the trash. To choose the swings instead of the mattresses. To choose life instead of death. The thing is though, that sometimes as disgusting and putrid as this trash is, I just can’t say no. Hallelujah for Yahweh knowing that about me. Knowing that I would choose garbage over glory. So, He placed His very Spirit in me that leads me away from the garbage I desire, to the glory He has destined. Amen and amen for a God who sees and knows me and has provided the way for me.

Wednesday Things

1. So, I had a contest to see who had the best Pumpkin Spice Latte. This place won and then when friends went to get the freshly made maple pumpkin latte they were all out. Ummm... sorry about that. But can you blame them? I mean everything is fresh. Like straight up fresh pumpkin. Like straight up real maple syrup. Yum!
2.We had some wild crazy storms tonight that beat against my windows that bowed with the wind. I had visions of them shattering and cutting my retna. I then made an action plan if such a thing were to happen. Step one, pre-dial 911. This isn't the first time I've pre-planned an action plan in case of emergency. I kind of do it all the time.
3. Remember all those times I've been like Tuesdays blow!? Well, I just experienced my Tuesday night tv line up and I have to say it blows a lot less. I won't be productive at all after 7 but in between commercials. New Girl, Ben and Kate (still debating), another New Girl, The Mindy Project, Parenthood. Oh my! Pretty fantastic. Can we just talk about how I nearly pee myself laughing with Mindy? Can we not talk about how that's 3 hours of my life I'll never get back wasted on tv? It's not that big of a deal if that's all the tv I watch in a week, right? Well, besides Parks and Rec and potentially The Office since it's the last season.... So, turns out I might end being a couch potato on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Whatevs
4. Have you heard about the bacon shortage! Heart break! I think I might make a sausage stuffed pork tenderloin wrapped in bacon.

I googled this and it's legit! Go here for the recipe!

5. Have you seen this! Holy moly!
6. I don't know that I've shared with you my love for drumlines. Like, I was a bit obsessed with the movie. Like when I hear one I stop in my tracks and am filled with joy. Like I hear one practicing in the distance every Tuesday morning when I arrive to work, which I think is the only thing that helps me get through that day. Like watching a competition could be top 5 on my bucket list. Love them!
7. I don't know what the what Gangnam style is, nor how to pronounce it. Cause I may be calling it gingham style, which I'm quite postive is not what all the rage is about right now. So, I urban dictionaried it and I still don't get it but the song is catchy.
8. Even better combine number 6 and 7 and you get this!

9. Lets talk about number 9? Maybe not, too soon.
10. And these apple cider floats. WHAAA! Umm.. yes. You know I love me some fall! And these seem easy enough for me to actually make and enjoy!

Happy Wednesday~XXO

Oh Won’t You Be My Neighbor

There are a plethora of kiddos in the new place. Always a knock on the door asking for mints, selling for some fundraiser, or just wanting to chat. We open the door to the nations in our complex. Children from every ethnic background standing on my porch. Sometimes , when I just don’t have the time to entertain a slew of kids, I just look through the peep hole at their sweet little faces. It’s amazing really. Some of these kids I know from doing ministry in the community. Others I’ve seen around. And still others I meet as they bombard the front door.

The other day 2 little ones came over. And being an apartment of 3 educators we invited them in on the basis of if they could answer grade level questions. Once they were in we chatted a bit and I found myself being curled into by a kiddo who was looking at recipes with me, helping me decide what to make for the night. It was one of the weirdest/sweetest things. I had just met this little one and they already felt safe enough in our presence to be themselves. I loved that. I must say at the exact time that I felt honored to be trusted so much I thought of how I hadn’t actually earned that trust and how easily they trusted nearly anyone. I pray for their protection as they gallivant around the complex. That God would continue to bring them to trustworthy people.

A few days ago I was leaving for the evening, when a kiddo I used to tutor saw me and came running yelling my name. She plowed into me with a huge hug, which apparently set off the other kids who came running hugging me as well. I set my coffee down on the roof of my car and continued the hug fest. Prying them off of me, I said my goodbyes and got into my car. Savoring living in the community I do, I grabbed my coffee and took a drink to only be initially repulsed by the smell of my own hands. In the throws of all the hugging, my hand must have slipped into a child’s armpit. Any armpit is pretty nasty but a kiddos armpit is like 20 times worse because they haven’t yet experienced deodorant. As I recalled whose pit it might have landed in I was overcome with gratitude that I am a place of safety, trust, and hugs for many of the kids here. Drinking my coffee with the smell of the pit still lingering didn’t bother me as much then and in fact was kind of endearing.

There is never a dull moment here. Never. People always coming and going. Children always running and playing. Mothers and fathers lingering on sidewalks talking, laughing, and listening to music. A father in the community died unexpectedly last week in a car accident. The mother attempted suicide this weekend. Today a fight broke out between two Sunday picnickers. It’s never dull.

Always opportunities to engage, to pray, to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting community. Always opportunities to be loved on, cared for, laughed with, and talked to.

I love this place. It’s only been 3 weeks. I know I’ve yet to experience all the community has to offer; the good, the bad, and the ugly but the Lord is bringing me to a place of seeing it all and knowing before my eyes ever beheld it He saw. He cared. He burdened hearts to enter in. It’s small and seemingly insignificant but He is working on Hodiamont.



Here's a picture that has nothing to do with what I just wrote,
 but I know people love pictures. This is from our recent church
picnic in the park.

Starbucks vs Kaldis {Pumpkin Spice Latte challenge}

It’s officially fall and I can barely contain myself. I want to eat pumpkin at every meal and a pumpkin spice latte every morning. OMGersh! So at the first hint of fall, a day of fall festivals at that, I set out on the search to find the best pumpkin spice latte. At the likelihood of sounding like Goldilocks and the 3 bears I’m going to tell you about each of the stops. Stop 1 was Dunkin Donuts. Another blogging friend raved about their iced pumpkin spice latte. I had to try it! I wish I hadn’t started with this one. I think one of the factors I love most about the PSL is the warmth on a brisk fall day. I can’t cuddle up to ice or a drink that smells so warm yet feels so cold. Besides the ice, the combination was so sugar heavy. I like the bitterness of coffee. This drink masked that and while at it masked the actual pumpkin flavor. Oh, it was a sad start. Next was stop 2, Panera (or for the St. Louisans who refuse to acknowledge it as such, St. Louis bread company). Learning my lesson from DD, I got the hot latte. Holding the cup in my hands gave me visions of knitting/crocheting cozies for all my to go cups (that I actually don’t yet own because I’m actually not all that “green”). None the less, I took A sip and nearly wanted to spew. If DD was “sugar heavy” Panera topped the block with just straight up sugar. I like sugar like anyone else but it was SERIOUSLY disturbing how like syrup their pumpkin spice latte was. And that was before I even stirred up the whip cream that sat on top. Ick! I’ve never been more disappointed in Panera. Well, except for the time someone told me about finding a tooth in their salad! A TOOTH. Next, stop 3 at Starbucks. Now, the dilemma here is I know it’s going to be good. In years past I’ve gone here because there was no question as to if I would like their Pumpkin Spice Latte. It’s Starbucks for Pete’s sake. Coffee is what they do. Fudge on the coffee and you fudge on a multibillion dollar corporation. The question here wasn’t will I like it, but is it the best. So, to make this decision I brought in a friend of mine and we shared small PSLs from here and stop 4, Kaldis. Now, I have to tell you I likey the Kaldis. The hipster in me prefers it to the world renowned Starbucks only because it’s a smaller business and more local”ish”. I myself was skeptical of Kadlis ability to make a great PSL.

Our conclusion: Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is delicious. It is the faithful friend you can call up any time of day for the perfect blend of bitter and sweet. It’s so good. But Kaldis. Kaldis’ Maple Pumpkin Latte is the friend that is the same kind of bitter as you in the morning. It has the undertone of sweet but the face value of what you really need in the morning, a good wake me up. It is bitter without being harsh and is absolutely scrumptious! So for our little survey here Kaldis is the winner. However, that does not negate the fact that Starbucks is still delicious and will be had for nostalgia by this girl throughout the season. But when I need coffee to speak some bitter truth to this groggy soul it will be Kaldis.

from the bitter

Do you ever feel like you have just fallen behind on life? That's where I am these days. A bitterness creeping in because I can't find time to wipe my mirrors down or go on a date. To figure out what the hell  that film is on my car windows or have a baby. A feeling of complete distance from a dream I thought I was pursuing only to realize one day 3 months have gone by and I haven't actually moved one step closer to making that a reality. The feeling of epic sized failure when I think about the last time I communicated with those friendships that are dependent on me to stay alive. And then more bitterness that so many of my friendships are like this only given the justification that I am  single and childless so it's easier for me to make contact.

Oh the bitterness. My friends, it's an ugly place to be at, I know, but I think there's actually freedom in admitting everything is not "ok". There's freedom in saying this phase blows.  There's freedom to not put on a fake smile and pretend, but to instead just be real.  That's where I am.

I don't write this to receive some pep talk or weak "sympathetic" smile. I also don't want your scolding for using the word "hell" or for saying I'm not content in my singleness. Don't bother to tell me God's waiting for me to be "REALLY content in Him" because I could really smack the content off of someones face. I write this because I need to vent and my hand cramps when I write for longer than 5 minutes. Thanks technology. I write this because maybe there's someone who needs to know God can handle my frustration. And not just my frustration but my flat out anger and disappointment. All of my hurts, brokeness, and sin, He can handle it and isn't put off by me. He alone can also know my heart. To know that I will NEVER be able to love anyone the way I love Him. To know that I'm shaken to the core some nights at the overwhelming thought of His majesty and profound love for me. It's because of this confidence in my postion as His beloved daughter that I'm safe to be angry, to be hurt, to be frustrated, to be discontent. He doesn't change. My standing with Him doesn't change. His deep love for me doesn't change. And just because I'm angry or discontent with my postion in life right now it doesn't mean that my love for Him has wained any. Does He piss me off with His timing or seeming silence? Absolutely! But I still know His good intentions and that everything He does or doesn't do is motivated by love. I still know He is faithful. He is good. He is true to His promises even if I don't fulfill my side of the deal. I write this because sometimes I just need to preach truth to myself.

That time that I posted my Monday post on Wednesday night

I knew it was going to be a manic Monday when I woke up to the slam of my roommate shutting the door behind her. I scanned my clocks and alarms and realized either they never want off or I never heard them. My mind focuses on the music playing and I realize I've set my alarm to music. In a whim of, I wonder if I'll be happier when I wake up to music rather than an alarm. Problem is, I don't wake up to music.
And besides that, the dream I apparently couldn't lure myself away from went a little bit like this: I was hacking up something at an Opera like event. Running to the bathroom because I thought I might spew I ran into The X. Like literally ran into him. Hand covering mouth, head down, more like charged him. Choking on whatever nastiness was coming up I waved apologies and continued on. Graphic events occurred between me and my spit. I walk out to find such drama taking place. X's new lady has found her old guy. My friend is with her guy. X is yelling at me for charging him and her for leaving him. I am glad to be alive and loogie free. (Is that too much? That seems so gross, but the dream was centered around it. reason #12  why I'm single for a reason?) Anyhow, happy as a clam was I that instead of arguing back with him I simply apologized and walked everyone back to my balcony seats where we all sat happily ever after. What! Dreams are strange.
Another problem is that there are 3 cartons of eggs in our miniature fridge. I was going to have eggs for breakfast but out of habit made cereal instead. So, I'm thinking I'm going I have to try my hand at quiche if we're ever getting rid of all these eggs.
I know these things are not the real equivalent of a manic Monday but to happen in the span of 30 mins after waking up was feeling like it. I wish Sunday was my fun day, an I don't have to run day. Instead it was a busy busy day and now the new week is already here.
At least it's not Tuesday though!

Happy Birthday to my favorite curly brown haired niece! You are my favorite thing about today.

I'm alive and other babble

Hey so remember that time I was like Oh hey guys, just getting settled into the new place but will come back to blogland soon. Smooches and kissypoos.

Umm... ya, about that... It's 11:00 pm as I begin to type this and I'm thinking about all the other stuff that I've yet to get started on like I said I was going to this week; like reading the rest of the information for an interview I have later this week over doctrine and theology. Who's life is this!? When did I start having interviews over doctrine and theology and when did I become so almost relaxed over an interview about such big words that I wouldn't be studying my ACE off for the past 3 weeks. I'm also taking an online class that I haven't even visited the sight in oh lets say 3 weeks. So glad it's "go at your own pace" and "not actually for a grade". Problem is though, that after 3 weeks and a move I'm not sure that I even remember my password. Fail.
Let's also talk about how much I hated this move for various reasons but maybe the number one reason because I broke all my daggum fingernails! I mean to tell you every last one of them are gone! SO now I've got these stubs for fingers and haven't had the time to even paint them. SO what I'm telling you is that I have man hands right now and have for 2 weeks. 2 weeks people! I'll also just put it out there that I may or may not be going on 3 weeks in row of wearing my hair up in a pony or a bun. Not because I'm reminiscing ballerina days (because I didn't have any) rather because I haven't had time nor ambition to go shopping for my awesome shampoo/conditioner. So I've been using crudy shampoo and let me just tell you, once your hair folicals go fancy they don't take to going back to cheapo kindly.
I told you it's been a rough move, ... for all of me.
But a positive is, just today I got to partake in Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Spice Iced Latte. I wasn't supeer impressed with the drink, just loved that it's time to have pumpkin spiced everything in my life again. OH I LOVE IT!
Autumn, love of my life, is also a season where I feel particulary in the mood for a relationship with a man. For clarity purposes I also tend to be in this mood Winter, Summer, and Spring. So... feeling particulary in need of a husband and a child today I bought a cactus. I know the two thoughts may not coincide for you but it makes since for my life right now.
I can't possibly manage a dog, cat, bunny, or hammster for that matter. A pet bird is ludicris for me, I'd rather just put birds on everything I own (thank you Portlandia). I've killed every other plant that has come into contact with my hands. Orchids, supposedly as easy as 1 ice cube however often, KILLED IT. I can't just run up to a local grocery and purchase a family and even if I could I wouldn't actually have time to be a wife and mother to them this month... so cactus it was. I only have to water it once a month! That's amazing! So, I'll name it like it's a pet, talk to it like a husband, and care for it like a child. I may or may not be posting pictures later. FYI- that usage of may or may not actually meant I might post pictures, I'm not really sure yet. I know I've used it other times to signify that I definitely did or am going to to so something. Just wanted to clear that up for you.
It's officially 2 hours and 19 minutes passed my bedtime of which I've yet to abide by since moving. So... I should probably go to sleep now.

I'm Moving In The Rain {you know the tune}

Hey! Remember that time

I told you I was thinking about moving?

Well, that thought turned into

ACTION.

And that action is taking place this week.

Right in the middle of a midwest Tsunami.

So...

Please pardon my absence.

I'm moving over here!

See ya after the holiday.

I'll have some funny stories.

Or maybe just one.

And maybe not funny, but more awkward.

It confirmed another reason

why I'm moving.

Let's just say

I've seen far too many old men

in their underoos here.

I'M OUT!